A Letter To Claire's Birth Mama

Dear Birth Mama,

I have been so angry at you...for so very long.  I don't know why you have had to bear the brunt of my anger.  I have certainly harbored no anger nor ill feelings towards my oldest daughter's birth mother.  But you...well...that's another story.

I think all of the negative aspects that I had to deal with concerning Claire's adoption just kind of packed themselves into a tight ball of hatred that lodged in my heart and I turned it all towards you.  The endless fights with the agency...the mix-up with our LID...the wait which just continued to get longer and longer...the fact I was not allowed to travel to China to bring her home.  That's her in the picture by the way.  It was snapped just moments after her Daddy held her for the first time...she was ten months old.  Do you see that smile?  He named her Claire.  Claire means clear, bright, and shining.  I chose her middle name, Yi Ming.  Yi meaning strength and grace.  And Ming?  Well...it means clear...bright...and shining.  After seeing her smile don't you think we made the right choice?

I was able to learn so much about my oldest daughter's life before I entered it.  We have pictures...and clothing...and a note from her birth mama.  For Claire?  We have nothing but the clothes she was wearing the day Daddy met her in China.  They were torn...and dirty...she was dirty...her fingernails and toenails overgrown and filthy...her little body was covered with scabies...and she was coughing so violently she was throwing up.  I have since heard that conditions at her SWI have improved greatly.

The director of the SWI at that time was unable or unwilling to share any information about what Claire's life was like while she lived there.  Again...nothing to share with her as she gets older.  What little we did learn was from the few legal papers we received.  It says you left her the day she was born.  How could you do that?  How could you just leave her...walk away from her...when she was just a few hours old?

She's ornery you know.  She is bright and funny and has a temper at least three times her size...and a stubborn streak like none I've ever seen.  She is a natural mama bear...she wants to take care of you when you're sad and make things better.  Apparently others have seen these traits in me.  She wants to help with everything.  She wants to know everything...do everything.  She lives each moment to the fullest.    She loves her sister...and they are typical sisters.  Holding hands, singing and giggling one moment, fighting, yelling and screaming the next.  She loves teddy bears, Barbie's, Disney movies, playing make believe, and going out to eat.  She is most definitely a girly girl...the diva.

She turned four this week.  On her previous birthdays I had but one thought towards you, "Do you even remember what today is?  Do you even care?"  Not so this year.  God has been doing a lot of work within my heart lately...or perhaps more to the point, I've been allowing God to work within my heart lately.  This year things were very different.  I know you had nothing to do with the agency or the LID mix-up or the director of the SWI or the conditions there or any of that.  I KNOW this.  I was told I'd have to wait six months for our baby...it ended up being fifteen.  People are now waiting four years.  Again, I know this isn't your fault...I allowed my hurt and my anger to cloud what was right...what was real.

As I was looking through the pictures of Claire taken while she was in China, trying to choose one for this letter, I was struck by yet another certainty.  As I sat here crying...and aching...and hurting...because I had missed a part of her life I should not have...not allowed to hold her...touch her...comfort her...make her feel better...I realized that for me, the wait was over.  I was able to see pictures of her, and talk to her on the phone, and know that within two weeks time I would be able to do all of those things I had been waiting so long to do.  And then I realized that when you laid her safely down, in a well populated area, and walked away from her that you would never have that.  Your wait is forever.  You will never hold her, or hear her laugh, or see pictures, or watch her grow.  How much greater must your heartache be?

I am so sorry...so very sorry for allowing my own hurts to usurp yours.  You were doing what has been done and has been an accepted practice for so very long.  Please forgive me for ever thinking you did not care about our daughter.

I have started telling her what very little I know about you...first and foremost...that you love her.  It is your blood running through her veins...your eyes staring back at me...your hair...your skin...her beauty is yours.  She is truly a combination of both of us.  And I promise that I will love her, cherish her, and fight to protect her until my last breath.

Thank you for the gift that is Claire,

Hey y'all...well...I truly and fervently hoped I would NEVER have to revisit this tired old rant...notice...RANT...leave now if you're only here for sweetness and light.

A few months ago, again, thinking I was done with "it", I went through each and every blog post and removed the name of the agency we used to facilitate both Hope and Claire's adoptions. Rationally I figured that having their name published in my blog might make someone think we endorsed their behavior...irrationally I was just hoping to avoid a lawsuit...actually I was dabbling in an ancient Egyptian practice. By removing an individual's (in this case agency's) name from all documents you are destroying their very existence and memory. If you've been reading for any length of time you know it wasn't a pleasant experience. If you're new and would like to be enveloped in the drama, do a search of my blog for this phrase: problems with the agency.

About this time last year I spoke of "battling some old demons". You can find that post here. As most demons do, they let me THINK I had won.

Our contract states that once Claire returns home from China we need to have two post placement visits with our social worker; one at six months and one at twelve. If we do not provide the agency with proof of Claire's citizenship before the twelve month report we have to have another post placement report every six months until citizenship is provided. SO! We were told by someone we trusted at the agency that it would take a long time to get Claire's citizenship since only one parent traveled. Yeah...I know...don't get me started on that. I was actually getting to the point where I was working on forgiving them for that. When we both traveled to bring Hope home her official citizenship arrived I think less than two weeks after returning home. Since only Garry went for Claire, she received a green card until we readopted her in Ohio. We were told that once we readopted, the birth certificate would be filed and then we would get her citizenship. THE AGENCY needs a GOOD COLOR COPY of that paper so they can send them to China. Well folks we didn't have the money to readopt her in 2007. Plain and simple. After two international adoptions and a slew of surprise medical bills it was all we could do to keep our heads above water. We worried about paying for an 18 month report, seeing as we had no official citizenship paper at the end of our 12 month report. Again, someone we trusted told us that we would surely have it BEFORE the 18 month report was due...don't worry. Famous last words.

When our wonderful, and I don't mean that sarcastically, she IS wonderful, social worker came in December of '07 for our 12 month report she told us that the agency had now changed the policy. She would have to come back at 24 months and at 36 months...this had nothing to do with the citizenship deal...she would also have to do another report on HOPE!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT?????????? At that point in time, Hope had been HOME for 47 months and we had been told by two different people at THE AGENCY that her file was closed. Here's a surprise. I freaked. My question was, "Ok...she had a 6 month report and a 12 month report...she's missed the *new* 2 and 3 year reports...so you want a FOUR year report for her?" Our social worker graciously brought this up with the agency staff...and they dropped their request for a report for Hope.

Garry calls the person at the agency whom we have worked with one on one through both adoptions. She won't return his calls. She has someone else in the department call him back. Nope, sorry...that doesn't work. I finally sent an email asking "if said person is still an employee of said adoption agency then kindly return our calls. We are only doing what YOU told us to do when we started this process and that was to deal ONLY with you." Said person called Garry within 20 minutes. She told him a lot of things that made us feel better...because we are so incredibly naive and wanted to believe we could still trust her...they were all false...and some were just out and out lies. The new 2 and 3 year reports were to be sent to China. They had to add them because they were now Hague Certified. (The new 2 and 3 year reports were not going to China. They were going to sit at the agency just in case China decided they wanted 2 and 3 year reports. AND they did NOT have their Hague Certification at THAT time or for the next 3-4 months.) We were told AGAIN that we didn't have to do an 18 month report. Just stop waiting for the citizenship paper to arrive and go get her a passport and send a copy of that.

Sooo...come March/April of last year we get a call from said agency saying we have to do an 18 month report...after being told twice we didn't. That means that in July of '08 we would've had to meet with our social worker again. I sent her an email telling her this. She knew nothing about it and said she had only been told about the new 2 and 3 year reports.

July of '08 came and went and we heard nothing from anyone. Figuring they had changed horses in midstream yet again we just forgot about it. We also assumed that the new 2 and 3 year reports were still in effect and we would be seeing our social worker again in December of '08. We received a letter from the agency telling us that we were now responsible for supplying an envelope and postage for our reports to be mailed in, and also for our social worker's mileage. This is all well and good...save for the paragraph in the contract stating they will NOT charge any other fees than what are set forth in the contract...oh wait...they broke that when they told us we couldn't travel as a family unless we paid another $1500 to take Hope...and another $1500 to bring someone ELSE along to take care of Hope. Sorry...I digress.

December of '08 came and went...still nothing from the agency about the new 2 year post placement report. Then...on Friday, January 2nd there was a letter in the mailbox from THE AGENCY. As I was walking up the driveway I started to open it and actually said aloud, "I'm not going to like this, am I?" If only I had known. What I read angered me so greatly I was actually shaking...perhaps QUAKING would be a better term. There was an invoice stating we owed them $300+ to pay for our 24 month post placement because we hadn't yet provided them with proof of Claire's citizenship. I really and truly think the top of my head actually blew off. I had sent a copy of her passport to the agency at the very least, two months before receiving that letter. Garry called and was told by THIS person that she'd need to see this letter...she knew nothing about it...even though it had her number at the bottom of it to call with questions. She said she was LOOKING at the copy of the passport I had sent her so she has no clue as to why that letter was sent. Oh...wait...you never did your 18 month report. That's when I think the top of Garry's head blew off. She actually ADMITTED, "Oh...I guess that one must've slipped between the cracks." Yes my friends...insert your own sarcastic comment here. She told us we'd have to do an 18 month report...even though it would be 6 months late. But she would try VERY hard to see if we could get the fee waived. Garry told her as nicely as possible that it didn't matter what they decided. We had no problem seeing our social worker again but we would NOT be giving them another red cent of our money. We were done paying for their mistakes and we were done doing their jobs for them.

So, our 18 month report, 6 months late, is scheduled for the 22nd of this month...the two year anniversary of Claire's Gotcha Day. And no, we aren't paying anything for it. And if things weren't already confusing enough to make your head explode, listen to this one. Our social worker asked waaaaaaaaaay back when, after I had told her about the 18 month report, if it would be required and was told...are you ready? Sure? Wait for it..."Don't worry about it. Just plan on doing one at 24 months."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Did I mention the NEW 2 and 3 year reports are suddenly no longer required? Or that Garry did some checking on his own and found out that we would NEVER be getting the citizenship paper unless we wanted to REQUEST it personally and pay another $400? The U.S. Government is well and truly satisfied that she's a legal citizen once she has an Ohio birth certificate. Just another fact that was skimmed over in our years of dealings with THE AGENCY.

If you're still reading...and you are ever thinking about going through this process...PLEASE learn from our mistakes. PLEASE document each and every conversation, promise, "fact" that you are given. Don't be naive and think everyone you encounter is going to be professional. Protect your back.

I am NOT angry with, nor am I blaming the agency for the LID mix up. That was NOT their fault nor did they have anything to do with it. The sad fact is, it appears it may be happening again with CCAA. Nor do I hold anyone there responsible for the HUGE increase in wait time. Again they have nothing to do with that. I am holding them responsible for one giant mess after the other. And yes, I have several people that won't talk to me at all because I would DARE say anything bad about this wonderful place and these wonderful people (that was sarcasm by the way). I am thrilled beyond belief that this place has happy, satisfied clients. I wouldn't wish this nightmare we've been living now since...2002?...on my worst enemies. And no...I don't have my daughter's because of these people...I have my beautiful children IN SPITE OF these people. I mean...folks? What else have they forgotten...or lost...or hidden...or lied about? Is someone going to come to my door and tell me that my girls AREN'T my children? Will someone be taking them away from me? Wouldn't you say that's a pretty valid fear?

Again...I was just coming to the point where I could forgive a LOT of it. I guess God obviously isn't done dealing with me over this yet. Still...the one thing I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to forgive is them not calling us when our referral came in. How could they NOT know that after waiting all those months that we wouldn't want to know as soon as they had Claire's file? And when we asked we were told, "Well we knew you were coming in tonight to take pictures. That was just one less call we needed to make." So 6 other families had their daughters' pictures and files by 9 a.m. yet the 7th family could just wait until "tonight". Sorry...that smacks of punishment to me...for all the times we asked them not to call us unless it was important. We don't want to be called every time they are having a party...or there are tickets for agency night at the Tribe game etc.

And...in case you're wondering if we like to stir the pot...the answer is a GIANT no. Especially in this case. We were NO different during the wait this time than we were with Hope's wait. We didn't bother them...we didn't call once a month asking if they'd heard anything...we didn't berate anyone for screwing up...and hey...THAT was a hard one! ") But the difference this time was literally the difference between receiving our daughter or NOT receiving our daughter! If you haven't read it yet, read this post for an explanation. There was NOTHING we were going to do to rock the boat on Claire's adoption...NOTHING!

Our precious social worker, in her quiet, calm, and soothing way has said, "Just think! This will be the last one!" I wish I could have the faith in people that she does.

Rant #1 of 2009 is now complete. I feel better. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

One year ago today...

I was sitting here wondering how I was going to survive for the next two weeks...

Hope was napping...

Claire was in the Qianjiang SWI...

Garry was on a plane headed for China.

Four years ago today...

Garry and I were at H.H. Gregg buying a new camcorder and packing for our trip to China...

Hope was in the Anqing CWI...

Claire...wasn't.

Today...

I got some wonderful news after battling some old demons for a couple of days...seems I won this time. Thank you God...

I dropped Hope off at preschool and when she got out of the car she said, "I love you Mama!"...

When I put Claire down for her nap I said "I loooove you Claire!"...she laughed...then babbled three syllables + Mama in the same tone I had just used with her...

I don't think I've ever had a better day.

This weekend we are going to cocoon as a family. It's going to be too cold and nasty to go out and do anything. So we made sure we accomplished all of our errands during the week, we're going to have a HUGE amount of food delivered from Zeppe's, and we're just going to be the family that we've become...and waited so long for.

Stay warm...and be blessed!

So Mel...what's going on with...

1) Humphrey? Well, if you noticed the last post and the giant gap of time between posts I guess you've figured out that we lost our precious Humphrey. On the 17th I received news that *my* liver was just fine. On the 18th we received news that not only had the lymphoma spread to Humphrey's liver but he also had the start of fatty liver disease. There are NO words to tell you how badly this whole situation SUCKED. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone but even his oncologist used the same terminology. So, on the day after what we had always considered his birthday, we said good-bye to our boy. I can still hear Hopie screaming, "But Mama! I want to keep him!" Me too princess...me too.

All in all he was NOT a good cat! LOL He wasn't known for his good behavior. But as I told all of his doctors...

"That boy was such an anus…yes…I said anus. We used that word to describe him every single day. 'Humphrey stop being an anus!' 'You’re such an anus!” 'Stop anusing about!' You get the idea. That boy had not one single solitary shred of impulse control. If he wanted to do something he did it…repeatedly…for years. Yet the cat who destroyed more breakables than all of my other cats together, was the same cat who sat next to his brother Horatio until Horatio’s seizures would pass. The cat who would find the highest perch in our bedroom at 2 a.m. and yowl like his toenails were being ripped out, was the same cat who would awaken me in the middle of the night kissing my face. The cat who would get behind furniture and chew electrical cords was the same cat who would walk me upstairs to bed every single night…and perhaps that’s when I miss him the most. He would hear me getting an allergy pill…yes…most cats come when they hear food…he came when he heard my allergy pills. He’d appear from wherever he’d been…and God only knows what he’d been doing there. He’d meow, raise that two foot long tail straight up in the air, I’d take hold if it, and he’d lead me up the stairs."

I miss him more than I ever imagined I would. The house is too quiet...I have much more time on my hands now that I don't have to keep an eye on his activities 24/7. Do I want another one like him? Absolutely not. Would I take *him* back? In a heartbeat.

I played "what if" for weeks...what if I would've noticed the lump sooner...what if we didn't let them operate...you get the idea. It was pointless and all it did was make me feel guilty...I believe I've read it's called survivor's guilt. I also spent a great deal of time being more angry than I ever thought I could be at God. For the life of me I still can't figure out WHY He'd want Humphrey back. One night in the shower (and you know that's where He does all of His talking to me) I was sobbing and basically saying what I just did here. I said, "What do you want me to do!!!???" Loud and clear I heard, "Trust me." I think I went certifiable right after that. "TRUST YOU??? ISN'T THAT EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING??? AND YOU STILL TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME!!!!" For those who haven't known me for darn near all of my life, I trust no one. Honestly, I think The X-Files snagged my tagline. So to be asked to trust? He knew He was asking something major. Oh mercy...I've got a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

Long story short, I'm going to trust Him. It ain't easy...but I guess following His plan for our lives isn't. I choose to believe that something good will come of all of this. I don't know...maybe Hopie will grow up and find the cure for feline lymphoma...or human lymphoma. I would never ever say that to her though. If she's meant to do that I want her to go in that direction ON HER OWN.

2) Mel? My MRI guided biopsy went well...or so we thought. The results came back benign and we celebrated with pizza and donuts! And then several days later we got the radiologist's report that said something to the effect of "I'm not confident I biopsied the right spot." Well isn't that special? In the meantime the spot he *did* biopsy became infected. So I spent ten days on antibiotics every 6 hours...even set the alarm to go off at 4 a.m. so I wouldn't miss my early morning dose! AND to top it off, this radiologist is the *only* guy in these parts that does the MRI thing. SO, at the end of the month I have to go BACK to him and he is going to insert a guide needle/wire into the spot (please pray he gets the right one LOL) and then I will be wheeled into surgery where MY surgeon who we trust completely will remove WHATEVER this little blip is that is causing so much concern. She (my surgeon) said she truly thinks it's nothing but with two small kids at home that depend on me, she's not taking any chances. Soooo...what was that message that I got about trusting? ")

3) The state of Chinese adoptions? Aye carumba...please pray for everyone still waiting. The CCAA just last week completed matching parents with LID's up to November 7, 2005. YES I SAID 2005!!! People whose papers were logged in two months after OURS are just now seeing a picture of their baby's face for the first time. CCAA has also told at least one country to expect the WAIT...that's AFTER you send your papers to China...to be up to THREE YEARS. My heart ACHES for these people.

4) THE Agency? Don't get me started. This is a MAJOR challenge for me to try and remain even the slightest bit positive. I have so much anger and bitterness directed towards these folks. I work every single day to let SOME of it go. Eventually I pray that with God's help I can let ALL of it go.

We are required to send monthly progress reports for the first year after returning home with Claire and then quarterly for the next two years. We are also required to send pictures with the reports. Well...like the dutiful servants that we are we signed everything the agency gave us and sent everything we were supposed to for Hope. We later found out that the 4-5 pictures we were sending each and every month were NOT going to China as we had been told verbally. The pictures were being used in all manner of the agency's publications both in print and online. We were never notified when our pictures were used...and by the way each and every picture we ever sent them has our name and address printed on the back...we found out five different times by accident. The first couple of times it was kind of flattering...then it just got creepy. I mean, how many pictures do they receive each month and they've used us five times that we know about? How many other instances DON'T we know about? Hope's face was plastered on every single page of the China portion of their website...now removed thank heavens! There are too many creepy folks out there that I don't want having unrestricted access to my girls' pictures.

So when the post placement packet arrived for Claire and I opened the booklet...there was Hope's face staring back at me again. I literally went ballistic. This is a new publication and they are still using her pictures. We haven't sent them a new picture of her since February of '05. Upon further reading there was a waver that we were told to sign basically saying that we give up all rights to our photos and this adoption agency can use them any way they want to. Again...ballistic. Hormones in overdrive I vowed I wasn't going to do ANY post placement save the two visits with our social worker...no monthly reports, no pictures, NOTHING! After I let that eat at me for about a month I decided I couldn't do that and remain healthy. So, I've been doing two months worth of reports at a time. Along with the reports I send one page of thumbnail photos printed off of our computer. At the bottom of this sheet is this statement:

"The Hageman Family requests that (insert the agency's name here) NOT use our photos for any reason without express written permission from us. We will not be signing the release included in the post placement packet. We feel as if (your agency) has overused the photos of our oldest daughter, Hope. While we are flattered that you think she is so photogenic, we would respectfully ask that you stop using her likeness in all new materials. (Your agency) receives countless pictures from parents who would be thrilled to see their daughters’ faces printed in the agency’s materials. Regrettably, we are not one of those families. We feel very uncomfortable granting strangers carte blanche with our daughters’ likenesses.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter,
signed...dated..."

Snarky? Probably. But honestly folks, we've had enough. Not only don't we like not knowing when and for what purpose our baby's likeness is being used, but we don't want anyone to SEE those pictures and think we endorse the services they are about to receive from this agency. I pray with ALL of my heart that no one else has to go through what our family went through with this place. And I'll say it again...it's not just this agency! There are problems with many other adoption agencies.

Garry called the probate court to ask a few questions about readopting Claire. Yes, we have to readopt for our COUNTY. The gal he spoke to said, "Your agency should be helping you with this! Who are you working with?" He told her. She said, "Oh...I've heard they're not very helpful."

On Friday, May 25th we received a letter from said agency. It was full of legalese and basically the only thing I could get out of it was that our home study was going to expire...to which I thought, "big deal". However as you read further there were statements saying, "You will lose your status as an adoptive home!" "You must sign and return this by May 31st!" And what was I seeing in my head? "YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR DAUGHTERS!"

On the verge of throwing both girls in the car and heading for the state line I called Garry and read it to him. He couldn't make sense of it either. He called the agency and actually got the person who had sent it out. Ok, get this...all it was saying was that if you think you're going to want to adopt AGAIN you need to sign it and return it before the end of the month when your home study expires. If you don't do that then you have to start all over again. He assured her that we would never completely lose our minds and want to go through the process yet again. When she complained to him that she had been fielding phone calls all day over the letter he suggested that perhaps said agency should include a cover letter that EXPLAINED the legalese as she just had.

Yet, in true agency fashion, the letter was dated May 18th...we received it on the 25th...it had to be back in their hands by the 31st. That was Memorial Day weekend...so it couldn't have gone back out in the mail before the 29th. If we DID want to do this again there was a sentence at the bottom of the form saying that $1000 would be needed for the update and if we wanted to use said agency they'd need another $1000 for post placement. Hey y'all...I don't know about you, but we always have an extra $2000 or so lying around.

Done...stepping down from my SAID AGENCY soapbox now.

5) The girls? They are FABULOUS! Absolutely the reason I get out of bed each and every day. Claire is cruising the furniture like nobody's business and eats like a linebacker! That kid will eat anything...and I do mean anything...doesn't have to be food! LOL She lights up like a Christmas tree and squeals with delight when she sees her sister each morning. They are starting to interact with each other and it is just a joy to watch. Of course, with that interaction sometimes comes conflict...not so joyous...but normal!

Hopie finished her first year of preschool and is already looking forward to going back in the fall and being in "The Big 4 Year Old Class" as she calls it. Realizing that she will be starting Kindergarten next year...well...it's simply a terrifying thought! LOL She's excited about going to Vacation Bible School for the first time at the end of the month. Her favorite activities include eating outside on the patio at her new picnic table, playing with Play-Doh, and anything having to do with Disney's Little Einsteins.

Claire's favorite pastimes? Taking off her pants when I'm not looking, ridding her feet of those accursed socks, pulling the barrettes from her own hair AND her sister's, and calling Gus..."Ki-ki-ki-ki". For those of you who don't speak 14 month old that's "Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty"! ")

Speaking of kitties...we're going to go meet a prospective new furry member of the family tomorrow evening. He has his own story which I will share later. Let's just say that Hopie has already named him and in true Mel fashion, once I saw his picture I knew he was mine.

Until next time be blessed...

OOOOOOHHHHH!!!! I want to HOLD HER!!!!!

I don't know who is more excited that the paper chain is dwindling...Hopie or Mama. I simply cannot wait to have them home.

Hope is showing the strain...she's not napping...she's irritable...she just wants her Daddy home. She says she wants her "baby sista" home too...we'll see how she feels after Claire has been home for awhile! ")

Her daily presents from Daddy and Claire have been a big hit. Every night, after she is asleep, I choose one from my secret stash and "hide" it somewhere in the house. She has an absolute blast each morning searching for her gift. She was explaining to me just how they get to her...

"Daddy makes them in China then Claire holds them. After Daddy wraps them he sends them down while I'm asleep so I can find them in the morning." Ahhhh...to have the innocence and faith of a three year old! I am beyond envious.

She also can't wait to see the pictures that Daddy emails, or Zhou posts, or Kristian posts. Come to think of it, neither can I. " )

Garry and Claire had a very productive Sunday. He said that he's almost finished with my list! What a MAN! It appears that both Zhou AND Garry were right about Sunday's itinerary...two day's activities were combined into one. They spent the morning at the art museum in Guangzhou. We visited there with Hope and really enjoyed it...the museum shops were good too. Our girls...well...let's just say we now have a picture of BOTH of them sleeping there. He said it was a beautiful, warm, sunny day with just the slightest breeze. While they were walking through one of the courtyards he heard sparrows. He immediately took out the video camera and took some video so I could hear one of my favorite sounds in the universe. Crying again...here he is, stressed out of his mind, separated from his family, worried about baby number two...and he's still thinking of me. Is it any wonder why I love this man?

After the art museum they went to the jade market. None of the vendors were interested in bargaining. If you told them no to their first offer they ignored you. Hey, as far as Garry and I were concerned, who cares?! That place was SCARY! LOL I remember it as being dark and smoky and scary...like an old black and white movie about opium dens! ::shudder::

From the jade market they walked to the pearl market. NOW WE'RE TALKING! He did some serious damage there buying gifts for our girls and others. Then he tells me that he chose a strand and had them string a bracelet for Claire, a bracelet for Hope, and the remaining pearls into a bracelet for me. Crud...I guess I'm just going to keep crying during this post.

The group had lunch at Pizza Hut. Again, Garry and I wouldn't be caught dead near a Pizza Hut in the states, but in Guangzhou, it's good enough to roll in! LOL Kristian posted a picture of Garry and Claire at Pizza Hut. He looks so tired...I'm starting to worry.

After lunch, back on the bus and back to the hotel. Zhou told them he needed one member from each family to meet him for paperwork. Ok...what about Garry? He told him to put Claire to sleep in the stroller and bring her. That wasn't happening. Rick, like the sweet, sweet man that he is, came to Garry's room and sat with her while Garry was finishing paperwork. She's bonding with her Daddy so well! She wouldn't take her bottle from Rick...and when Garry returned she put her arms out to him to be picked up. Need more Kleenex!

While doing paperwork Garry was told that the forms the agency had told me to fill out two days before he left, were not needed. Garry kept asking Zhou, "Are you sure? They told me she HAD to fill these out and get them notarized." Zhou said, "Yes, sure! Garry, I do this all the time! I no make mistake!" After forms were passed out there was one rather long and complicated one...and Garry's was already filled out! He said, "Umm, Zhou? Mine's done." Zhou says, "I know. I feel sorry for you. I do it. I no know Melissa's maiden name. You do that."

For those of you who have never dealt with Zhou, he is the best. I would NEVER want to be in China without him. However...and you know the problems we've had with the agency...while the group was waiting for Zhou to join them, one of the fathers said, "We'd use this agency again just so we could have Zhou." Almost in unison, FOUR of the other families said, "He's good but that's not enough." Sad but true. I guess it's good to hear that it wasn't just us...but how sad that four out of seven families in one group had a horrible agency experience. And it was horrible...they shared their stories.

Tomorrow they have the entire day to themselves. Zhou has to go work his magic at the consulate and they have the day to bond...and shop!

More later!

Ohhhh...the cockeyed, whirling, jumble that is this entire process just continues!

Word has it that our TA's are in hand at the agency. This information came into *my* hot little hands just before noon. Has anyone from THE AGENCY called? Heavens no! If they didn't call when they received our referral, why would they call when our TA arrived? Which, by the way, Garry asked why we weren't called about our referral. Are you ready? "I already knew you were coming in to take a picture of the wall after work. It was one less call I needed to make."

SO! The phone rings about ten minutes ago and it's Gateway Travel...the travel agency that books all of our agency's flights. Bless her heart...she said her name is "Carol". I would bet you everything I've got that that is not her birth name. Her given name is probably something closer to Hua Mei or Ming Na. And I am *not* a racist! I'm simply pointing out that she had a VERY pronounced Chinese accent. Hey, when we went through this before, our agent's name was "Marvin". You guessed it...I had a really hard time understanding him too.

Anyway...Carol calls here and wants to talk to Garry. I ask if I can take a message, she gives me her phone number and starts to hang up. I say, "And this is about?" She says, "Your trip to China!" I immediately gave her Garry's cell phone number and told her to call him. She wanted to know if we were both going. I told her no, just him. Then she wants to know if he wants "extra seat for baby on flight home". Again I told her, "Call Garry. He's the one who's going. He's the one who knows the answers to your questions."

About five minutes after I hang up with Carol, Garry calls me. *HE* hasn't heard anything from THE AGENCY yet but Carol has called him. So...he asks Carol, "So what date is it that we are supposed to be leaving on?" She says, in a rather exasperated tone, "Well the 18th!"

At this point, Garry and I are laughing so hard that there isn't a single sound escaping from our lungs. How par for the course *is* this latest development? Hmmm...so we *may* have TA but we don't know...and he *may* be leaving on the 18th...but again...we don't know.

Am I excited? No. Am I mad? No. I believe the only word that describes it is numb. I refuse to get excited or upset or depressed or joyous until my youngest daughter is physically *in* my arms. I will tell you this, our family can't take much more of this. We are holding onto our sanity by our cuticles.

God bless each and every one of you out there that continue to wait for your chosen child. Our hearts and prayers are with you!

UPDATE: Garry just called again after getting off the phone with someone at the agency. I can't remember if he said that they called him or vice versa. At any rate, they do have TA's and they have been faxed to the consulate. They are expecting/hoping/predicting/WA guessing that our consulate appointment date will be faxed back to them overnight. Everyone is hoping for a departure on the 18th...if not they are looking at the 25th. Told you...God's sense of humor times 10.

Emotions are getting through. Mostly fear...lots of tears...and just afraid to hope.

UPDATE #2: Technically, this is an update on the update! The agency never did call about our TA. Garry is the one who called them. ::sigh:: I cannot WAIT to get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

No...we don't have our TA yet...and we're not happy about it!

We were told on December 27th that our agency was expecting them the next day. If we didn't hear anything we were to call in two days. Garry called. We were told that CCAA hadn't even started on ours and it would be another week. Call then. Garry called. More excuses...storms...delays...more complicated paperwork...all adds up to still no TA and still no idea as to when we can bring Claire home.

Garry's visa came today! So hey, he's ready...and has 30 days to get in and out of China before we need to buy another one of those. He put January 10th as his date of departure per the agency's instructions. I think we all know he's not going to make that! We've been told that we could leave on January 12th or January 19th. Other folks in the group were told the 11th or the 18th...and now the 25th. The 25th is God's sense of humor times 10. We left to bring Hope home on January 25th, 2004.

THE AGENCY isn't returning phone calls...I found an email in our old account today that we haven't used in over a year from them, apologizing for not returning our call last Thursday. Apparently not returning our call from last Wednesday didn't rate an apology. Again, they've been told numerous times over the last year that we don't use that email address and please update our file...you know the drill.

The email also wanted to let us know that there was no news on TA's yet and that we should be getting our I171H soon as USCIS had sent it out on 12/27. FAX them a copy as soon as we get it. I was as nice as I could be folks...honestly...but I still think my message came off way past snarky. I begged them to once again change our email address. I told them that we've had our I171H since 12/28 and that we notified THE AGENCY on the same day. I won't even go into what I said about the FAX.

I'm done...truly done. It does no good to even try and communicate with them, so I'm done. Sorry Garry but it's all you from here on out. And truthfully, it's been mostly him for quite awhile because I'm just gonna go off on someone.

People whose agencies sent their acceptance letters back weeks after the date we were told ours were sent already have their TA's, consulate appointments, and are leaving as soon as this week. SO! Who knows where this mix-up lies...LIE being the operative word...and yes...I am beyond angry.

I'm going back into drifting in a fog mode...

CORRECTION: In my AGENCY and Paula Zahn inspired ire yesterday I fear I made a mistake concerning Garry's visa. So, with a somewhat clearer head, here is the lowdown on that topic.

Garry's visa is good until June of 2007. He can make two trips to China from now until June and each trip can last up to thirty days.

I felt better for about two seconds after clearing that up then I just got mad again...I hope to God in Heaven that we won't be waiting until June now. : p

Haven't heard about the Paula Zahn thing yet? Well, she had several "experts" on her show last Friday expounding on adopting from China. Basically, I learned that I am only going through this process because it is the "in" thing to do, and I am a racist. (Hey, who wouldn't want to go through this easy, quick, painless process?! International adoption is FUN!!!) It was a simply lovely broadcast. LAST night she had a couple of the panelists back, along with two more who, well, had a clue! It was slightly better but...well...go to the CNN site and read the transcripts.

All right...I have calmed down considerably and will now attempt to tell you about the latest chapter in "Our I171H---Part Two---The Terror Continues". I also liked "Electric Boogaloo" but "The Terror Continues" was a more appropriate title for the sequel.

Let's start with yesterday. The person at our agency who was supposed to call Garry...didn't. He spent most of his day leaving messages on numerous agency employees' voicemail. None of them called him back either. He was set to start dialing again today when the first person he called, called me! Of course, I was on my way out the door to pick up Hope from preschool at the time...and all of the messages that we left said to call Garry on his cell...and our file states that Garry's cell is our main contact number...sorry...slipped into another rant...

So she calls and tells me that Garry has left several messages on her voicemail asking about the length of the wait for the I171H from Cleveland USCIS. My mind snapped...actually heard it break...much like a dry twig used for kindling. As nicely as I could I told her that was NOT what we were asking. I told her that USCIS doesn't have our home study. "Yes they do." Ummm...noooo...they sent us a letter on Friday saying they couldn't process our request because they don't have our home study. "They have it." At this point, you want to know what I'm hearing in my head? Raucous cackling followed by a singsong voice saying, "We've got your baby and you're not going to get her" over and over and over. She said ALL of their families are receiving this letter and all she can do is put me on a list...and on...and on... I asked her if she would please call Garry on his cell because I had to go pick up Hope. She apologized, said she would call, checked the number, I hung up and shook all the way to preschool.

On the way home we stopped to share Claire's pictures with a friend who happens to be one of the sweetest women God has ever placed on this Earth. Hey, I needed to absorb some of her positive energy before I went back home to deal with the dark side again.

We got home about an hour after our agency called me. I called Garry and said, "So what's going on?" He didn't have a clue. No one had called him. I explained to him what had happened and he said he was going to call THEM as soon as we hung up.

About 20 minutes later he called back. Six of our agency's families who are trying to renew their I171H documents received a letter from Cleveland USCIS saying they had not received their home studies. The person who spoke with me was currently on the phone with someone AT Cleveland USCIS. This person assured her that the USCIS had EVERYONE'S home studies AND everything else they needed from the six families.

Garry was told, "It's like they are targeting this agency!" You know what? Go ahead and insert your own sarcastic remark here because my friends, this is just tooooo easy.

We were also given a piece of information that made us smile even more than knowing the USCIS had our papers. EVERYONE IN OUR GROUP HAS RETURNED THEIR ACCEPTANCE LETTERS AND THEY ARE ALREADY IN THE AIR BACK TO CHINA! The sooner they get there the sooner CCAA can do their thing and get our travel approvals sent back.

I really am a lot calmer now than what I was just 30 minutes ago. Y'all have received "The Sanitized Version" of events. It's been awhile since blood has threatened to spurt out of my eye sockets like that!

Y'all take care...

And the fun just contiues...

When the mail came on Friday I was beyond ecstatic when I saw an envelope from the USCIS in Cleveland. If you remember we had to re-apply for our I171H which expires on December 18th. If you don't have your consulate appointment in Guangzhou by that date, well...you can just go home without your baby!

We had been told by the agency to fill out another I600A and send it to USCIS with a check, MINUS the money for fingerprints since we had them redone in August. We did what our agency told us to do and in less than a week we received a BIG manila envelope from USCIS with all of our documents returned to us saying that we owed them money for fingerprints. We never even THOUGHT of calling the agency to ask them what to do. We just assumed it was a government agency not realizing that this was a renewal and whoever was looking at our paperwork didn't want to look up our case number. SO! We made a copy of our amended I171H which states very clearly that our fingerprints are good until November of 2007 and sent everything back to USCIS.

Shortly after we mailed it off for the second time, all heck broke loose on the boards AND at our agency. It seems a lot of people were getting their paperwork back from the Cleveland USCIS and were having to pay and be fingerprinted FOR A THIRD TIME. The agency was no help whatsoever. They basically told us to expect to get our papers kicked back to us yet again and expect to pay the fingerprinting fee AND be refingerprinted for the third time. They advised their other clients to pay the fee and be refingerprinted a third time...without contacting the USCIS and asking them what was going on. Well guess what? All the USCIS needs is A COPY OF YOUR AMENDED I171H to prove to them that your fingerprints are current. It is SO wonderful to do something that your gut tells you is right even when your agency tells you something different.

SO! Back to last Friday. There sat that little...notice I said LITTLE...not big old manila envelope...but a little envelope from the USCIS in Cleveland. I tore into that sucker like a kid on Christmas morning. I mean, we got our referral the day before and now here was our brand new I171H which gives us permission to adopt her and bring her home!

WRONG!!!!!

They can't process our request because...are you ready? THEY DON'T HAVE OUR HOME STUDY. Ok...we were told on November 7th by OUR agency that it had been sent. This means either THE AGENCY is lying, it was lost by the postal service, it was lost by the USCIS, or it fell through the wardrobe and is living happily somewhere in Narnia.

Garry called the agency on Friday and was told that the person he needed to speak to was away from her desk. He left a message on her voicemail...which by the way stated that she is there until 5:30 on Friday's. She didn't return his call. He called back at 5:00 and was told she had left for the day. I am ready to go up there and start SHAKING people! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!!! YOU ARE SCREWING WITH PEOPLE'S LIVES!!!!

Ok, I'm going to go back to gazing at my beautiful Claire's face. It is impossible to be upset AND look at that silly little smile.

Until next time...

Oh YEAH! Just another example of working on communcation skills with waiting clients...we aren't GETTING a call! LOL

Garry is on his way home right now with the packet! I want him to get home safely...but I also want him to SPEED!!!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

Still nothing to report officially.

Garry talked to Chris at the agency last week. She said that CCAA was going to update their website that week. They didn't. My best guess? The computers are all screwed up with the move. Isn't it so cute how I can come up with a logical explanation?! Creating order out of chaos...that's me...Super Mel.

Let's see...Garry asked Chris about our LID. Oh my friends, good news simply ABOUNDS! Depending on which reviewer at the CCAA she talks to...who knows? One told her it was August 25th, 2005, and another told her it was September 5th, 2005. So, we don't know and we WON'T know until somebody from the agency calls us and tells us we have a baby.

Our CIS fingerprints are going to expire. I am beyond thrilled (read with HEAVY sarcasm) at this. When we turned in our final paperwork I put this little note on the fridge that said something like, "CIS fingerprints expire August 31, 2006. Call in May of 2006 to reschedule and notify the agency of the date." I remember laughing and saying to Garry, "We won't need to worry about this!" HA!

The fur has FINALLY started to fly on the Yahoo boards concerning our agency's new travel policy. Apparently there are some other folks who feel as if they've been taken advantage of just like we do. I can't say that it's going to change the situation, but it kind of makes me feel better. At least now I KNOW that it's not just us. Some of these folks are coming up with some verrrrry creative ways to get around the new policy. I am watching with great interest!

So, in the last post I told you that I had told God that I couldn't do this anymore. Still feel that way...still true. This week, He reminded me that several months ago I told Him that I didn't THINK I could do it anymore. His answer this time, was the same as several months ago. He said, "If you could hold Horatio and comfort him while he passed, then you can get through this wait." I know He's right...I know it...but it is just so incredibly frustrating. Everyone is trying to apply logic and rules and mathematical principals where there AREN'T any!

A million and twelve thanks to Jeannie, who called me last night to reschedule my dentist appointment. She told me her computer had crashed and wanted to know if we had any news of Claire yet. When I told her no she said, "Then we'll just keep praying."

Another million and twelve go out to Sandy, a member of our first travel group. She read the last post and emailed me letting me know that our wait this time was extremely similar to their wait for their first daughter, Zoe. She said, "After the going nuts stage, I just kind of checked out…coasted in a fog." I am SO there now friends. Coasting in a fog is the way to go.

And thanks to each and every person who reads this and "listens" to me whine. I know there are a lot of you who check in every now and then and although you may not let me know, I know you are praying...it means the world to all of us.

On a happier note...while running errands this weekend we were inundated with "signs". The Disney Store was filled with new baby items sporting Dumbo and Timothy on them...we bought several to add to the stuffed Dumbo we had already purchased for Claire. AND, it seemed that no matter where we were, the lullaby I have chosen for Claire, "Baby Mine", was playing somewhere in the background. Yes, people in Target and Toys-R-Us probably wondered what I was bawling about, but you know what? Who cares?! Let them wonder!

UPDATE...AGENCY DRAMA

Well, it continues. Just when we thought we had moved on and were dealing with it, we received yet ANOTHER happy little letter from the agency on Monday of this week saying exactly the same thing. I guess we are supposed to feel better about this one as it states "FROM THE DESK OF UNCLE ZHOU" at the top and we don't have to sign and return it. This after we signed and returned the FIRST one saying that we understood and would abide by their rules that change with the breeze it seems. The latest letter contained yet another bit of hilariously frustrating drivel. In my own words...if a parent chooses to travel singly then he/she should bring along someone to help.

Ok...let me get this straight. The sizes of the tour groups are too large and to keep the size down you don't want us to bring our children. I'm with you so far. However, if we want to bring our child then we can, we just have to bring yet another person to take care of that child. SO, in order to preserve the small size of the tour group I will stay home with our daughter and Garry will travel alone. But wait...he needs someone to travel with him to help him. AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! Apparently LOGIC is a foreign concept to the folks out there at THE AGENCY.

I ran into an acquaintance at the grocery store the other day who has also adopted a daughter from China. She told me that they are in the process again and I shared that we were as well. She asked which agency we were going through. I told her. Her face...her voice...her entire demeanor changed immediately to that of sincere sympathy and she said, "Oh...I'm so sorry." Strangely the whole incident made me feel much better! LOL

I know many people are thrilled with this agency and those who work there. I know *we* are thrilled with our precious Hope and said agency certainly played a part in bringing her to us. I pray incessantly that Claire will come to us sooner rather than later as well. However, I cannot in good conscience recommend this agency to anyone else out there. I like organization, kindness, respect, and common courtesy. I thank Chris and Emily for all of their help but they are the exceptions and not the rule. Oh, and in case you were wondering, the director has yet to contact us in response to our letter.

Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see...*

Details...on Thursday February 16th we, and every other set of parents waiting for their referrals from our agency's China program, no matter how far along they were in the process, received a "happy little letter". I won't bore you with the details but some of the questions were things like, "Why do you want to travel to China?" "Why did you choose China?" Also outlined in this happy little letter were the agency's new policies for traveling to China.

The travel groups have become too large with too many extra family members/friends traveling. This was not mentioned in the letter. Zhou is overburdened in China trying to keep track of groups with over 40 members. This was not mentioned in the letter. There has been an influx of parents taking their other children to China and not using wise parenting strategies...this is as nicely as I can put it. This was not mentioned in the letter.

What was mentioned in the letter was that if you want to take a child under the age of 10 with you, another adult (other than the parents) must travel with you to take care of that child. This is going to keep the size of the groups down...how? For each additional person that travels, including your child, you must pay $75 per day per person which adds up to roughly $1500 per person due BEFORE leaving for China. By the way, no one at at the agency seems to be able to explain where this extra money is going or what it will be used for. Oh, this happy little letter was just so perky! Little exclamation points everywhere and kind genteel phrases about how this was ultimately to "keep the focus on the girls". Well folks, just because you put cute little exclamation points everywhere and ask seemingly innocuous and absurd questions, makes it no less cruel. And believe me, that's exactly what it is. The whole thing reeks of cruelty and betrayal. Our family and many others are in the same position. They have no one to leave their children with when they travel to China and/or no other "required extra person" to travel with them. Are we angry? You had better believe it. Are we hurt. Absolutely. Truthfully, the only thing I can think of that would've been any crueler would have been for them to stop us at the airport before boarding our plane to China and handing us the happy little letter. There were rumors in the wind of this several months ago. We were told, and I quote, "Your little group of three is safe and always has been." So much for assurances. I wrote the agency's director a letter...no complaining, no anger, just common sense and reason. The letter was sent signature required so we know that she has received it. We have received no reply. Another member of our travel group called and asked that said director return her call. That was two weeks ago and the call has not been returned. If this is the way that at least two of us are being treated, you can bet it doesn't stop there either. Others have contacted lawyers...I just pray that it doesn't affect anyone's referral.

Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you...*

Some of the best advice I received out of all of this came from my surgeon. She looked at me and said, "Get enough rest...eat...take a walk every day...don't let this stress you out. You're going to have a new baby to take care of." Amen. By Wednesday of this week I'd had enough. Every time I'd walk by that stupid letter staring at me on the kitchen counter it would make my stomach churn. That agency does not control my life now or ever. I signed the stupid thing and told Garry to do the same. The goal now is to get Claire home any way we can and as soon as we can so we can put THE AGENCY as far behind us as possible. My one act of true defiance? I refused to answer any of their inane questions. I signed the thing saying I understood and agreed to their ridiculous terms. If that's not enough I'll just open a vein for them. Once the letter went out in the mail an incredible strength, determination, and feeling of peace enveloped me. Thank you God.

No words describe a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where there's hope

Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see...

The last couple of weeks have not been fun to say the least. As I stated in my earlier post sleep was the impossible dream and to say that I thought about this whole mess 24 hours a day is not an exaggeration. I'm down to about 8 hours a day now! ; ) It took a toll on my weight too. I know...I know...give me a break! I'm down about 10 pounds but it's coming back slowly. I just watched the video from Hope's birthday party and I look remarkably normal! I'm amazed because that was only two days after the happy little letter arrived! Another...thank you God!

Three different people have offered to watch Hope while we go to China and one even offered to travel to China with us so Hope could go. (Thank you Helen...you are the best.) I'd like to say that we will be taking one of these people up on their offers but as it looks right now, we won't. What this mess has forced us to do, and pardon my language but it's the only phrase I can think of that fits, is sac up and be the parents that we claim to be. It's time to focus on what's best for BOTH girls and not just some romantic notion of what we think it's supposed to be like. Hope is three and yes, she was born in China but she has been raised in America. The girl won't put anything Chinese in her mouth...the only rice the kid eats is the spicy kind from the Mexican restaurants! The flight, trip, and emotions were grueling and confusing for the two of us...how much more so will that be for my precious baby girl? We were both so worn out when we arrived home with Hope. I literally couldn't get off of the bed that first night to help Garry take care of her...and Garry had had NO sleep whatsoever during our almost 24 hours in the air. Who is going to take care of TWO babies after the long trip? The answer is...me. I will stay home with Hope while Garry travels to China to get Claire. Problems solved. As soon as we discussed it sleep returned and I was able to eat again. I would say that's a resounding endorsement from God by allowing my peace to return.

Am I going to miss the great shopping in Guangzhou? Absolutely. Am I going to miss taking 100's and 100's of pictures with my new camera that we bought specifically for this trip? Absolutely. Am I going to miss waiting for the baby van to arrive? Absolutely. Am I going to miss seeing my baby for the first time in her home country? Absolutely. Is my heart breaking that I'm going to have to wait another 10 days to 2 weeks before I can hold her? Absolutely. Do I feel as if I've been asked to miss the birth of my own child? Can I even think about it without crying? I think you already know the answer. But let's face it. God knows what He is doing. It's time to give Him something I *want* and see what miracles He has in store for me. And as hard as that first trip was, I was looking forward to going back. He hasn't asked me to give Claire up, only to be patient for a little longer. Oh, I still waffle a bit and I pay for it. This week I was thinking, "Well, maybe we will leave Hope at home while Garry and I go." In a voice as clear as a bell I heard Him say, "Look Melissa...do you want what I have for you or not?" I do. I truly do. Am I happy about it. Not yet, but I'm working on accepting it.

Every moment now the bond
grows stronger
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see...*

So once again we are looking towards receiving our referral with joy. CCAA has continued to get slower and slower. They have finished matching babies to parents with LID's up to May 25th. Did I mention they will be moving to a new building? More delays. The agency told us that our LID may have been corrected but they don't know for sure. So, depending on which of our LID's they use...August 25th or September 5th...we don't expect to hear any good news until late May or early June. But you know what? Everything is all going to work out for the best! God has a plan for us in all of this. All we have to do is have faith and let Him work.

Blessings to y'all!

*All italicized lyrics from the song "Two Worlds" written by Phil Collins
This song can be found at the bottom of the page...give it a listen.

Thank you Carol for buying me this CD for Christmas! I can't tell you just how much this song has meant to me the last couple of weeks!

And...the beatings continue.

Without going into great detail...mostly because I am sick to death of thinking about it...I am asking all of you who are reading this to PLEASE PRAY FOR ALL THOSE WAITING IN THE CHINA PROGRAM FOR THEIR REFERRALS FROM OUR AGENCY.

We received news from them this week that they have changed their travel policies...not only for those who are new to the program, but to all of us who have been waiting for months... and for all intents and purposes either Hope doesn't travel with us to China or I stay home with her while Garry goes.

It really is more than I can bear. Eating has become a problem again...sleep is at a premium. Neither Garry nor I like the fact that not only we, but many, MANY other families who have prepared, and prepared, and prepared not only themselves but their little ones for the trip, now feel like they have to decide between which daughter needs them the most.

It is simply the most agonizing thing we have ever gone through. Please pray that reason and common sense will win out and our ENTIRE family can be together with Claire in China. If you feel so moved, add the concern to any other prayer groups/chains you may be a part of. My only request is you at NO TIME mention our names. Remember, the agency still ultimately holds all the cards. We don't want to do anything to antagonize them because they are the only ones right now between us and Claire.

Still not beaten...but I'll tell you...this one has me on the ropes...

All righty folks...here's your update!

Wednesday, July 6th was indeed our road trip day. Our appointment with the attorney to have the documents notarized was at 10. We were late. You try rushing a two year old who tells you she has to "go potty"! I sat in the reception area and chatted with Doris (the wife of Fred, the attorney, and also his secretary) while Garry and Hope worked with Fred in the back conference room. The day before I had checked and double checked everything and even printed the "official notarization" words on the backs of the papers before we got there to save time. It must have worked because we were on the road for our two hour journey to Columbus shortly after 11:00. We stopped around noon for some lunch and then piled back into the car. Hope did REALLY well until we got to the actual exit we needed in Columbus where she proclaimed loudly and with great emotion, "ALL DONE RIDING IN CAR!!!"

She was, understandably, an imp during the whole certification process. She'd been quiet and sitting in her carseat for a looooong time. No one really seemed to care save for her parents. While I walked the short hallway with her Garry met another prospective adoptive parent waiting to have his stack of papers certified...also for China. Small world folks...small world. We were there for maybe all of 20 minutes and then back in the car towards home. ATTENTION LINDA!!! I saw a Tim Horton's in Columbus!

Hope got VERY cranky on the way home and finally conked out for the final 50 minutes or so of the return trip. Her mother conked out shortly after she did.

Garry tried calling Chris at the agency a couple of times from the road to see if she was going to be there so we could drop off our papers. He either got her voice mail or someone telling him she was on a break. I had a baaaaad feeling...

Once home I sat down at the copier and copied my brains out. I made one copy of each of our close to 30 documents. Remember, we needed two originals of everything so technically I was only making around 15 copies. However, that included the front of the document, the back that now contained the notary stamp, AND the certification sheet of paper stapled to each one by the Secretary Of State's office. All of those copies need to travel to China with us in case they are needed.

I checked to make sure all of our originals were still there and then we were off to the agency in Strongsville to drop it all off. Hope wasn't happy. I still had a bad feeling.

Once we got there I told Garry he could go in by himself...I knew I couldn't deal with the not so kind individual (NSKI) if she was there. He said that if Chris was there he would wave us in. ") Off he went with our folder full of papers which I had labeled with Chris' full name in huge, black letters. He was gone for a verrrrry long time. My bad feeling remained and Hope wasn't getting any happier. When he returned to the car, he wasn't very happy either. Since it was after 5 Chris had left for the day and the NSKI appeared to take the folder. Everything was complete, had been checked first by her, then by Chris, then by Chris again, then notarized and certified. Want to know what she did? She took the folder clearly labeled with Chris' name, sat down, and WENT THROUGH EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF PAPERWORK AGAIN. Garry told her that it had already been checked and OK'd by Chris. She just smiled blankly at him and continued going through everything. Garry had left several spaces blank on the financial statement where the answer was zero. Chris said this was perfectly acceptable. Chris is the one who has final say on all the China paperwork. The NSKI made him put zeros in the blanks before she would let him leave. She then dumped out the envelope of a dozen pictures that are needed to complete the dossier and went through each and every one of them. Once she was satisfied she gave her usual, "Well as always, the final decision is up to Chris." We were ALL mad. Once again, if she KNOWS this, why is she putting us, and I'm sure other clients through her ridiculous scrutiny? ::grrrr::

On the drive home we all did some deep breathing and thanked God that we were done and would never have to deal with her again. Oh...sometimes we can be so naive!

I would like to remind you that this person has called here incessantly since we started the process in late December. Garry told her gently at that time that we do not need to be called. When we have a question, we call Chris. We do not need reminders...we have our own time table...we've been through this before...you get the idea. He also told her that we weren't officially starting the process until March 2005. She said she wouldn't call until March. She lied. Seriously, and without exaggeration, she has called here more times than the GRAND TOTAL number of calls that we made to the agency AND that the agency made to us during Hope's adoption. We spoke to Chris about it. She talked to this person...she still calls. Chris then put a note in our folder that she was not to call us. She still calls. Garry told her point blank after the whole "your guardians are too old" call that she is NOT to call us again. Any contact with the agency will be made through Chris. She still calls.

Her last call came after we received our contract. Chris sent our dossier off to the consulate to be translated into Chinese the day after we dropped it off. On Friday, June 22nd, we received our contract. It basically says that nothing is the agency's fault if something goes wrong etc. Pretty standard stuff. It also includes a page showing what you have already paid and what is owed. Besides initialing each and every page and signing and dating the last page, there were five more pieces of paperwork for us to complete.

1. Release And Authorization---Again, standard release saying they can use our pictures, names, whatever and not pay us or be sued by us.

2. Personal Contact Form---This is in case of emergency while we are in China. They want the name, address and phone number of someone in the U.S.

3. Post Placement Affidavit---This states our intent to use our agency for our post placement and that we will fully comply with the requirements for post placement as outlined by the country of adoption. This one also needs to be notarized.

4. Information Summary---Yes my friends, the exact same form I've filled out for both the home study and the dossier...once again with feeling for the contract.

5. CIS Fingerprint Reminder---The CIS now requires prospective parents to be re-fingerprinted after 15 months. If we don't receive our referral up to three months before they expire we need to call the CIS and make an appointment to be re-fingerprinted. This is a BIG deal. Why? If we are in China and ready to bring Claire home and they find out our fingerprints have expired, we go home without her. This paper basically says we are aware of the policy and we will take care of it should the need arise. Last time...it did. We had to be re-fingerprinted and guess when we got our approval notice? Yep, it was about two weeks AFTER we returned home with Hope. Classic...simply classic.

As I said, we received all of this on Friday the 22nd. On Monday the 25th, guess who called again? Yep. She wanted to know where our contract was because they need it back along with a check. How do you deal with someone like that? Neither one of us wanted to so we didn't. I let the contract sit until Friday the 29th. I filled out everything...the next day we got the one form notarized at the title bureau here in town...Garry sat down on Sunday night and signed and initialed everything...he turned it all into the agency along with the check on Monday, August 1st.

It has taken me this long to be able to type this because I get so angry just thinking about the whole situation! I just didn't feel there was any way I would be able to communicate our frustration using polite language! ")

Garry's mantra is "Keep your eyes on the prize." He is such a smart man. One of my favorite speakers is Joyce Meyer. Recently her message was, you are going to encounter a lot of people who drive you crazy. God has put them into your life for a reason. You had better learn to deal with them now because if you don't, if you run away from them, He's just going to put two more of them right in front of you! I don't want ANY more of her anywhere near me so I'm going to start dealing! ")

Now, with that out and done with, here's some wonderful news! Chris (I love you Chris!) called me on Monday afternoon this week to tell me that our dossier was being picked up at 7:30 that evening and was being sent to Beijing! YAY!!!! So, we are August 2005 DTC (documents to China). In the past, this was when the OFFICIAL wait began. However, now it is your LID (log in date). When our dossier arrives at the CCAA (China Center of Adoption Affairs) someone will log all of our information into their computers. THAT is when the official wait begins. Chris said that is usually 10-14 days after the dossier is sent to China. Again, the official wait is being broadcasted as six months so we shall see!

Until next time!

OK! I made copies of everything needed for the dossier. Garry dropped them off at the agency on June 9th for Chris to take a look at. Chris wasn't there and for whatever reason, the aforementioned not so kind individual went through them. She called here during the evening the following Monday while Garry was in Dallas and by the time she was finished I was in tears. Her first two points were HIGHLY valid and I'm certainly glad she pointed them out. The first was that the amount of Garry's salary on our financial form didn't match the amount on our 1040 form. That's pretty important, and very easy to correct. The second point was that I needed to add 3-4 little words to our letter asking to adopt which meant "as healthy as possible". (China now has a special needs program which wasn't in place when we adopted Hope.)

The next item she came up with was REALLY reaching in my opinion. Instead of copying one passport per page, just turn it the other way. Two will fit on an 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper. I assured her I knew this and had done so on the copies for our home study. I also told her that we had been told to put ONE passport on each copy. She wasn't dissuaded.

Her final concern was the one that sent me over the edge. She implied, without ever implicitly stating such, that the people we had chosen to be our girls' guardians, were too old. She gave me an age range that the Chinese officials "like to see". I told her that these were the same people we had appointed as Hope's guardians and that they didn't meet that age requirement last time and nothing was ever said. Again, she wasn't dissuaded. She said, "Hopefully we can just let it slide. Your home study has already been forwarded to CIS and the Secretary of State. I'd hate for you to have to make any changes now...maybe no one will notice...but it's best to get these things corrected before the papers get to China. We don't like getting calls from China!" She then went on to tell me that I should expect our I-171H in mid-July. ( I guess this should've been a clue that I shouldn't have put too much stock in what she was telling me.)

As soon as I hung up with her I called Garry. He wasn't very happy with the news I shared with him. He called this individual back and by the time they had finished the conversation she admitted that she had no business even MENTIONING the age thing before she checked on it with Chris. She suggested that we just put "anybody's" name on our guardianship letter as it isn't a legal and binding document. Garry told her we weren't going to lie to the Chinese officials. She didn't seem to think that what she was suggesting was lying OR that what she had told either one of us was cause for concern. Here's *my* big concern with that. What if the Chinese officials pull the documents from Hope's adoption and see that Claire's guardians are different from Hope's? Somehow I don't think they would look upon that as favorable.

Garry spoke with Chris the next day who said, and I quote, "There is NO problem with the ages of the appointed guardians." She had just finished going through our papers and mentioned the salaries not matching, and also placing the additional statement into, what is affectionately referred to as, "the suck-up letter". She had one other thing concerning the financial statement that she wanted Garry to add...nothing was mentioned about the passport copies. She also said that the next time I see their number on my caller I.D. to let the machine pick up. If it is anyone other than herself we are to listen to the message, jot down a few notes, call HER and she will tell us what is really going on. That woman is an angel I tell you, an ANGEL! Not everyone likes her...and she doesn't like everyone either! ") But Chris is one of those incredible souls who "what you see if what you get"...she is very REAL and I love her to pieces.

Our corrections/additions were made and Garry faxed them, along with our long awaited health insurance form and our I-171H on the 24th. Chris called him yesterday. The Holy Grail is on it's way to the Secretary of State for certification and everything else is ALL GOOD! YAY! Next step is to make an appointment with our attorney to have every single piece of paper in the dossier notarized. Next comes the trip to Columbus to get every single piece of paper certified...then back in the car and off to Strongsville to drop it off. Yes, it makes for a long day...and yes, we could mail it to Columbus and wait an extra day or two. But folks...after all of that work and running around, we don't really want to trust anyone else with getting those papers to and from Columbus! Garry is in Dallas again this week so hopefully, we can finish up next week. In addition to the Dossier, we will be turning in two passport sized photos of each of us for agency use, 12 pictures of the inside and outside of our home, and the dossier fee.

More as it develops! ")