A Letter To Claire's Birth Mama

Dear Birth Mama,

I have been so angry at you...for so very long.  I don't know why you have had to bear the brunt of my anger.  I have certainly harbored no anger nor ill feelings towards my oldest daughter's birth mother.  But you...well...that's another story.

I think all of the negative aspects that I had to deal with concerning Claire's adoption just kind of packed themselves into a tight ball of hatred that lodged in my heart and I turned it all towards you.  The endless fights with the agency...the mix-up with our LID...the wait which just continued to get longer and longer...the fact I was not allowed to travel to China to bring her home.  That's her in the picture by the way.  It was snapped just moments after her Daddy held her for the first time...she was ten months old.  Do you see that smile?  He named her Claire.  Claire means clear, bright, and shining.  I chose her middle name, Yi Ming.  Yi meaning strength and grace.  And Ming?  Well...it means clear...bright...and shining.  After seeing her smile don't you think we made the right choice?

I was able to learn so much about my oldest daughter's life before I entered it.  We have pictures...and clothing...and a note from her birth mama.  For Claire?  We have nothing but the clothes she was wearing the day Daddy met her in China.  They were torn...and dirty...she was dirty...her fingernails and toenails overgrown and filthy...her little body was covered with scabies...and she was coughing so violently she was throwing up.  I have since heard that conditions at her SWI have improved greatly.

The director of the SWI at that time was unable or unwilling to share any information about what Claire's life was like while she lived there.  Again...nothing to share with her as she gets older.  What little we did learn was from the few legal papers we received.  It says you left her the day she was born.  How could you do that?  How could you just leave her...walk away from her...when she was just a few hours old?

She's ornery you know.  She is bright and funny and has a temper at least three times her size...and a stubborn streak like none I've ever seen.  She is a natural mama bear...she wants to take care of you when you're sad and make things better.  Apparently others have seen these traits in me.  She wants to help with everything.  She wants to know everything...do everything.  She lives each moment to the fullest.    She loves her sister...and they are typical sisters.  Holding hands, singing and giggling one moment, fighting, yelling and screaming the next.  She loves teddy bears, Barbie's, Disney movies, playing make believe, and going out to eat.  She is most definitely a girly girl...the diva.

She turned four this week.  On her previous birthdays I had but one thought towards you, "Do you even remember what today is?  Do you even care?"  Not so this year.  God has been doing a lot of work within my heart lately...or perhaps more to the point, I've been allowing God to work within my heart lately.  This year things were very different.  I know you had nothing to do with the agency or the LID mix-up or the director of the SWI or the conditions there or any of that.  I KNOW this.  I was told I'd have to wait six months for our baby...it ended up being fifteen.  People are now waiting four years.  Again, I know this isn't your fault...I allowed my hurt and my anger to cloud what was right...what was real.

As I was looking through the pictures of Claire taken while she was in China, trying to choose one for this letter, I was struck by yet another certainty.  As I sat here crying...and aching...and hurting...because I had missed a part of her life I should not have...not allowed to hold her...touch her...comfort her...make her feel better...I realized that for me, the wait was over.  I was able to see pictures of her, and talk to her on the phone, and know that within two weeks time I would be able to do all of those things I had been waiting so long to do.  And then I realized that when you laid her safely down, in a well populated area, and walked away from her that you would never have that.  Your wait is forever.  You will never hold her, or hear her laugh, or see pictures, or watch her grow.  How much greater must your heartache be?

I am so sorry...so very sorry for allowing my own hurts to usurp yours.  You were doing what has been done and has been an accepted practice for so very long.  Please forgive me for ever thinking you did not care about our daughter.

I have started telling her what very little I know about you...first and foremost...that you love her.  It is your blood running through her veins...your eyes staring back at me...your hair...your skin...her beauty is yours.  She is truly a combination of both of us.  And I promise that I will love her, cherish her, and fight to protect her until my last breath.

Thank you for the gift that is Claire,

Fingerprint Friday---A Letter To Hope's Birth Mama

Fingerprint Friday is hosted by Beki.

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:

I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God

Dear Birth Mama,

I don't know your name...or where you live...or even if you are still a part of this world...but I wanted to let you know that your daughter...my daughter...OUR daughter is the most precious gift you have ever given.

My husband and I named her Hope An-Li...An meaning tranquility and Li meaning strength. The name chosen for her by the CWI staff was Han Tao meaning cold, big waves. I wish I knew what name you had chosen for her. I'd tell her you know. We talk about you all the time. She knows you loved her and wanted the best for her. She knows you kept her for a week before, for whatever reason, you chose not to. She knows that it might have been because she was so sick she couldn't keep food down and you couldn't afford medical care for her. (By the way, the staff at the CWI took excellent care of her. They fed her every single hour until she was able to gain weight and thrive.) She knows that you might have had to place her for adoption due to cultural reasons. She also knows that you dressed her as warmly as you could and placed her in a busy area where she would be found right away. We have pictures of the school where she was found...did you know I used to be a teacher? I don't know the name of the person who found her, but he or she took her to the police station and the police took her to the Anqing Children's Welfare Institute that same day. We have the clothes you dressed her in...and the note you left pinned to her. I can only imagine how precious these things are going to be to her one day.

The above picture was taken the day she joined our family. That is the director of the CWI, Mme. Xu Xian Mei. She is such an amazing woman. If Hope couldn't have been with you or me, then I'd want her to be with Mme. Xu.

She turned six last week. Can you believe it? It seems like just yesterday we were in China and she was being placed in my arms. She's a pretty awesome kid. She loves music...and she loves to sing...like me. She loves puzzles and figuring things out...like her Daddy. She is more beautiful than these pictures could ever portray. I think she looks just like you...even though I've never seen you. Her hair...her eyes...her skin...these are all you. She talks all the time...I mean it...ALL the time. She is scary smart. She loves to read books and write the answers to questions about them in her reading journal. She can do incredibly difficult math problems. She likes to build with Legos...and play with Hot Wheels cars. She started school last fall and loves it. She often wonders what you are good at and what you like to do.

She lost her first tooth this week. She was sooooo excited.

I don't know why you couldn't keep her. But I know it was probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do...walking away from her and knowing you'd probably never hear anything about her ever again. I think of you often...but especially around her birthday. I know you must be thinking of her then and wondering what has become of her. I hold no anger towards you...how could I? You gave me our child. She is my LIFE. I didn't know what living was until I held her for the first time. When I find myself losing patience with her or snapping at her, it's your eyes that I see looking back at me filled with tears...you are always here.

You know...the first time we saw her she had these little pointed ears...we called them Spock ears. But the more we looked at them, the point was more of a little squished spot that was just the size of a thumbprint. We've called them "God's thumbprints" ever since. We told her that when she was born, God put His thumbprint on her to show that THIS baby was the one chosen just for us. And she was...she truly was. Thank you from the very depths of my soul Birth Mama...I can never repay you for this gift. But I can and will raise her to the very best of my ability. She will be well fed...and well educated...and loved beyond all measure. I would die for our child.

I pray that somehow God would bless you with the knowledge that she is with a family who loves her unconditionally now and forever.

Thank you so very much,

Fingerprints Of God can be found on my playlist at the bottom of this page.

Hope is four years old today. I simply can't believe it. It was just yesterday that Madame Xu placed her into my arms and I could do nothing other than weep and say "I love you Han Tao...I love you Han Tao."

Somewhere, her birth mother is thinking of her too. I can only imagine that she thinks of her everyday...but somehow the day of her birth has to be a day she will never forget. I pray that God gives her peace and lets her know that the daughter we share is happy, healthy, and loved beyond measure.