First of all, no more apologizing for not posting as often as I would like. I found a WONDERFUL little philosophy today called "Blogging Without Obligation". You should really check it out. The guilt and stress that have been hanging around me concerning Our Journey Continues...and the thoughts of possibly just deleting it...have lifted.

Secondly, as most mothers experience with their firstborn, I am having a tough time dealing with the fact that Hope will be starting school in less than two weeks. Yes, she's done two years of preschool, but THIS is different. Just ask her. THIS is BIG KID SCHOOL.

This is where I have to walk my precious angel to that giant child eating yellow monster each and every morning and watch it devour her and then race off...with her inside...where I can't see her...or hear her...or smell her...or touch her. This child of mine...who I waited and trusted God for...for 41 years. This child that I had to jump through enough hoops to satisfy The U.S. Government...The State of Ohio...and The People's Republic of China. This child that was handed over and entrusted to MY care and now I'm just supposed to let her go.

My issues have issues where school is concerned. They've been in there festering since I was just a little older than Hope. So what did I do? Yeah, I became a teacher. What an ironic moron I am. And seriously? The next person that tells me that this is a HAPPY occasion? It's not going to be pretty. Ok? As I told a friend of mine several months ago, "This is NOT a happy occasion. This is sending my baby into a pool of sharks and I'm not there with a baseball bat to protect her."

I guess I'm doing a pretty good job of hiding it from Hopie though. She's thrilled beyond belief that she has SCHOOL SUPPLIES and we went BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING and she gets to RIDE THE BUS. ::sigh:: She's basically doing the Snoopy Dance and can't wait to skip down the halls. God bless her. She LOVED Safety Town and I was beyond thrilled that they loaded all the kids on a school bus and took them for a ride. It did a lot to ease my fears for her first day...and I know she was apprehensive about it as well. Her mouth goes non-stop when she's worried about something...even though she NEVER says anything about what she's worried about. The last few weeks have been non-stop Ariel and all things The Little Mermaid. It's how she deals. She's going to be fine...she's going to be fine...she's going to be fine...

So I play headgames with myself. Once she gets on the bus I can go for a walk with Claire. There is just something so calming to me about taking a walk...especially in the fall. I LOVED doing it with Hope...now I'll have a chance to share it with Claire. I tell myself, "she's only going to be gone for the morning...she'll be home in time for lunch." I imagine I'll be outside waiting for the bus long before it's due. And yes, I know millions of other mothers have gone through this and will continue to go through this...and they've all survived. As you may have guessed or learned for yourself...I ain't one of those Mama's.

As God tends to do...whether I want Him to or not...because He knows I'd rather just sit and worry and sulk...He sent me an incredible gift today. After I had finished reading Claire her story before nap she jabbed her little finger into my chest. This isn't new. She does this when she wants me to sing to her. It started when Garry would hold her and say, "YOU sing!" and put his finger to her chest. But today, she jabbed me and said something so unbelievable that I had to ask her to repeat it...mostly because she NEVER says anything when she does that...but also because I couldn't believe what she said and how clearly it came out. She said, "Bay My". For those of you who don't speak Claire that is "Baby Mine". That is the song that I chose for her lullaby long before she was even born...the song I recorded for Garry to play to her when I couldn't be with her in China...the song that I sang to her in the airport when she didn't know me from Adam...the song that as soon as she heard me sing it, turned her little head my way, reached out and touched my face...the song that when she now hears it on any CD will say, "Mama sing?" So yeah...that was a gift...and maybe...just maybe...it's going to be ok.

Care to listen to Baby Mine? Allison Krauss' version can be heard on the music player at the bottom of the page.

Whoo hoo! Both girls are sleeping...it's FINALLY stopped snowing outside...now we have 18 or so inches of the white stuff with below zero wind chills. Ohio is simply LOVELY! ")

As promised...here is your update...

Let me preface this by saying that the two weeks Garry was in China were probably the most harrowing of my life. It is neither a time I want to relive or think about. I was barely holding it together and by the mid-point of the trip I was finding it harder and harder *to* hold it together. For all those who prayed, called, cleared the driveway, emailed, or posted at the blog, I am eternally grateful for your support. YOU are the ones who held me together.

SO! By the time January 31st rolled around I was clutching my last thread...with my hangnails! I had joked with Garry that I would be waiting at the airport around noon...his flight wasn't due until 6. I started tracking his flight around 10 or so that morning and I actually, physically, jumped up and down when I saw it. They were already over western Canada and beginning their turn towards Detroit. NEVER has a silly little picture of a white airplane pasted over a map of Canada brought so much unfettered JOY to my life!

He called after they landed in Detroit and got through immigration and customs. Again, just seeing "Garry Cell" on my caller I.D. was enough to send me into fits of cartwheels! Claire hadn't slept, neither had he...both were tired, cranky, and hungry. Honestly, it was all I could do not to get in the car right then and drive to Akron/Canton...even though he wasn't due to leave Detroit for another 2-3 hours.

I woke Hope up from her nap around 4, got her ready, gagged down some more oyster crackers...(I don't care if I ever see another one of those things again...I lived on them for two weeks) and by that time it was a little after 4:30. I had planned on leaving around 4:45 in an attempt to avoid the heaviest traffic AND get to the airport while the sun was still shining. We left here around 4:50 and as soon as I pulled out onto the street I forgot how to get to the airport. My mind went completely blank...hand to my heart. Thank God for his grace and mercy because I figured it out before I had to get on any major highway! Traffic was pretty much a nightmare but whenever I needed to change lanes or merge, He cleared the way for me. I can't say when we arrived at the airport because, my mind being what it was, I forgot to put on a watch! DUH! I'm guessing it was close to 5:30 and his plane was due in at 5:58.

Hope and I checked the board and there was nothing listed for the status of his flight. Right away...stomach started bothering me. We sat down and waited...watched several flights worth of passengers walk past us...Hope ate the Honey Nut Cheerios that I had brought for her. When we got up to throw her trash away I checked the board again and now his flight was flashing DELAYED. We walked upstairs to the observation deck which gave us a great view of the air conditioning units. If we squinted, and looked faaaaar off into the distance I think what we were looking at were the runways...but I can't be sure! LOL Back downstairs...walk a little...check the board...still delayed...watch the time on the board change at least 6 different times from 5:58 to 6:19. The last one just about did me in. It said, "Now arriving 6:19." And the clock below it said, "6:20". I really was about to lose it. I had long since put the camera away...Hope was going completely stir crazy. We sat down again and another group of passengers made their way past us. No Garry or Claire. Hope started whining about not wanting to wait anymore...my stomach felt like it was going to make a run for it...and there they were. He had been the last one off of the plane and of course it took him longer having to carry her and get her ready for the cold.

I started WEEPING the minute I saw them. I couldn't even stand...my legs wouldn't work. I just sat there squeaking, "There they are!", and holding on tight to Hopie. She was jumping up and down and shrieking, "DADDY! DADDY!" I remember hearing his voice so I knew it was safe to let go of Hope. I remember reaching out my hand and him taking it, and I remember the stress leaving my body for the first time in a long time.

After hugs and kisses all around, I tried to get Claire's attention. She was exhausted, sick, and didn't know me from Adam. No matter HOW prepared you think you are for that, you aren't. She turned completely away from me. I started to sing the lullaby I had recorded that Garry had played for her in China. She turned her head towards me, looked me straight in the eyes, and reached out to touch my face. Yeah, I was bawling, but I think I bawled pretty much continuously from the moment I saw them coming towards us.

As we went to get their luggage and as we walked out into the deep freeze that has become NE Ohio, I don't remember a whole lot of people around us, but those who were there, were smiling and sharing our joy.

Once we were all loaded in the car we held hands and thanked God for bringing us all back together. Yeah...still crying.

Claire rode VERY well for her first time in the carseat. She was a little scared at first but her big sister, sitting right beside her, kept cooing, "Ni hao Li Lu. Ni hao." Uh-huh...crying.

When we got home and Garry carried her in the house I was completely overwhelmed with the need to hold her. I said, "Can I hold her?" He just laughed at me and handed her over. She did ok, but she didn't want Daddy to get too far away from her.

Again, what words are there to tell you what a wonderful job he did? And once we were home, it's not like he could rest either. When she cried, she wouldn't accept comfort from me, she needed Daddy. The first couple of nights home, he maybe saw three hours of shut-eye.

It has only been in the last 3-4 days that she has realized that I am Mama and I'm not going anywhere. She will hold eye contact with me now, whereas before she stared at the ceiling while I was feeding her. She'll actively try to GET my attention and then just laugh the heartiest little laugh. Her smiles are absolutely addictive! She will put her arms out to me to pick her up and she even came to me FROM Daddy.

When she first joined us she could barely roll over. She remedied that while in China. She could sit, but not for very long. That is also improving. The kid is strong. She has a WHOLE lot more upper body and trunk strength than Hope did at this point. She also had no interest or clue as to how to eat from a spoon. Again, that's been taken care of now too. Baby food...homemade or jarred is FABULOUS...as are crackers. She has four teeth and more coming in. I know I'm probably forgetting something but I'm on a deadline. She has awakened and is now on my lap! You try typing with World's Strongest and Grabbiest Baby on your lap!

Hope has her moments. She does really well most days but I don't mind telling you she's had two days this week that, well, they weren't pretty. Her two morning a week preschool has been cancelled so many times due to weather for the last two weeks...and she NEEDS that time to just be Hope away from her sister. She finally got to go today and enjoy her Valentine's Party. She was in a much better mood when I picked her up.

Garry went back to work on Monday and I did surprisingly ok. Tuesday was no school for Hope and she was just not happy...and it rubbed off on her sister! Garry stayed home yesterday due to the weather. Thank God he did...we didn't have any heat! It was quickly resolved and again, thank God for our fireplace. Today was Mama's first trip to preschool with both girls. Aye carumba. It takes 30 minutes just to get them both in their carseats!

Ok, I'm going to have to quit for now. Claire has discovered that smacking the keyboard is WICKED FUN!

Next nap, more pictures!

Claire's lullaby, Baby Mine, can be found on the music player at the bottom of the page.

Sorry for the lack of updates...however we've...and I say "we've" like I have anything to do with it other than worry...we've had a sick baby.

I guess all of the girls have colds to some degree and Claire had the unknown rash on her back. Dr. John (thank you so very much from the bottom of my nervous Mama heart) checked her out on their Tuesday morning. She had been coughing so hard that she was throwing up...a lot. Dr. John said that she felt a little warm, she was NOT dehydrated, he felt it was just a snotty nose, and the rash, well, he said it looked more like impetego but since she had been in an institution to go ahead and use the scabies cream that Garry had brought. In Garry's words? "She's just like you! She coughs and then she throws up!" Awww...she really *is* my baby! LOL

Garry also said that he felt incredibly sorry for the maid who had to come in and strip every single piece of linen from the room covered in baby puke.

Their Tuesday was pretty laid back. I think he called me a half a dozen times. By the last call we were all feeling better. She was coughing less, keeping the Tylenol down, keeping her bottle down for longer and longer amounts of time, and sleeping more. Thank you God. Before he told me goodnight he told me what they were going to do on Wednesday...yes, they've already HAD their Wednesday. Again, in his words, "We're going to go puke on the pandas!" ROTFL!!!

He said the trip to the zoo went VERY well. She didn't puke on the pandas, but she did "spit up" a little. Hey, this is the first time he's used that term. I'm thinking we've turned the corner.

Also, at least two of the other girls have started the severe coughing/throwing up cycle and two more have presented with "The Rash". Dr. John has recommended that they all go through the two treatments of scabies cream and that if there is any left, the parents should use it as well before going home.

There is also a sign posted in the hotel lobby that Internet usage may be limited or down due to the earthquake in Taiwan. I know Garry told me this morning that he had sent me an email which I've yet to receive. He said that Kristian was complaining about not being able to post pictures as well.

The gal who lost her passport, I believe has her temporary visa. She can't travel to Guangzhou without it. As for the passport, I'm guessing that's being taken care of as well.

So what's Claire like? Through it all she's always smiling! He said the only time she's screaming or upset is when he tries to wipe her nose, or bathe her! Hey, *that's* normal, right? She doesn't have a clue yet about solid food or eating from a spoon...again...just like Hope. She's got the two bottom teeth, one coming through on the top, and ANOTHER top one appearing just below the surface. So on top of being sick and having a new Daddy, she's teething. Several of the other families have commented on what a great personality she has. Sorry to keep saying this...we heard the same about Hopie! I don't think it's anything *we* did, I just think we've been blessed beyond measure. Sandy! Remember how Garry kept calling Alice "Baby Alice with Kung-Fu Grip"? Well, Claire has apparently inherited her Kung-Fu grip. He said even Zhou has commented on how strong she is.

Garry played the DVD for her that Hope and I made. He said she sits perfectly still and watches while I sing to her, but as soon as Hopie comes on she tries to grab the camera. How perfect! She's already going after her sister! This morning he told me that he had given her the book with all of our pictures in it. He says that every time he tries to turn the page away from my picture, she turns it back...and pats my face. Oh crud...I really was fine until I typed that!

He holds the phone to her ear and I talk to her. I know very little Mandarin, but what I do know, I use with her. He said that she was trying to kiss the mouthpiece just like she gives him kisses. How awesome is that? They've been together for three days and she's already giving Daddy kisses!

The move I personally can't wait to witness is the head-bob. He says she's got this emphatic up and down "yes" deal. One is very slow and serious, and the other is two very short yet firm up and downs. He said if you watch the Chinese, it's how they greet each other. In any case it sounds too cute for words.

Thanks to Rick for watching her so Daddy can partake of the breakfast buffet without a baby on his hip. And I *know* he would without complaining, but it's just nice that Rick is there to help too! I'm not sure I could balance a plate and fill it AND hold a baby...but I'm willing to try!

The grandmother who is traveling with the family from Tennessee picked Claire up. She said she couldn't help herself! I completely understand...I can't wait to get my hands on her either. Garry reminded her of my "No women get to hold her rule"! LOL

I guess my shopping list is a big hit too. At least one family has asked if they can have a copy! LOLOLOLOLOL

Well, it is time to feed jie-jie! Thanks to all for your prayers, emails, and support through this entire journey.

Later y'all! ")

Peace has returned to our home. ::sigh:: It is a wonderful feeling.

Yesterday was possibly the longest day of my life...and I didn't spend it trapped on an airplane. We had to be out of the door by 5 a.m. to get Garry to the airport on time. I woke Hope up, put her on the potty, and went into her room to get her some clothes. When I went back into the bathroom she was sitting there, quiet as a mouse, with tears streaming down her face. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "Nothin!" I asked her if she was sad. She said, "Yes!" Daddy came around the corner and she just wept..."I don't want Daddy to go to China!" Her heart was breaking...my heart was breaking...I can't even imagine what Garry felt like.

When we got to the airport, we waited for Garry while he checked in. We stood beside a group of 6-8 young Asian men who were in love with Hopie. They were all smiles and kept waving at her trying to get her to wave back. One of them looked at me and said, "She crying!" Yes...she was. But nothing like what she was doing about 20 minutes after that when we were saying good-bye to Daddy before he went through security. It was just tragic. She was screaming and freaking out...she was doing exactly what I felt like doing but couldn't. I couldn't even look at Garry because I knew I would lose it completely. We hugged him good-bye, then I picked her up and we walked off through the airport and out into the frigid morning air with tears streaming down both of our faces. Again, I don't know how Garry managed to get on the plane...he's a strong man.

We spent the day doing quiet things. She wanted to look for pictures of The Three Gorges. Don't ask...physically she's three...mentally I'm thinking in her thirties. We couldn't find any so I went online and printed out one for her. She says it's ok for now, but she wants Daddy to email her one from China. The reason? When I showed her the picture of The Three Gorges she said, "I can only see two."

We made a paper chain to hang in her room. Last night before bed she got to take off one link to symbolize her first day without Daddy was over. We have little presents ready for her...one for each day he is gone. (Thank you Sandy for the idea!) Each morning I make a big deal out of "finding a present that Daddy and Claire hid for her." She loves unwrapping them and so far, each day has asked if there are any more! We also bought her some of those individual boxes of cereal. I have them lined up on the kitchen counter so she can choose one each morning and watch the boxes dwindle each day until Daddy & Claire get home.

Me? I just play games in my head...you only have to clean the bathrooms two times and then they'll be home! You get the idea.

I spent A LOT of time yesterday online tracking his flights. He had promised to call during a layover and didn't. I was freaking out big time. You can imagine the things I had going through my head. When I talked to him this morning I asked what had happened. He said that he was afraid him calling so soon would upset Hope. He's such a good Daddy. She talked to him this morning and was just the picture of total cuteness. As soon as she heard his voice her face lit up with the brightest smile. She stood there talking to him, smiling, and wringing her little hands. It was adorable.

Thanks to everyone who has offered to help should we need you. We appreciate it! So far so good. We're a pretty independent bunch...but we will certainly give you a call if we need something.

Many of you have asked us for specific dates. When we went through the process for Hope we published all the important trip dates, passed out our itinerary...why nothing this time? Well...this time is different! This time it is all about a family of three having the time to bond and become a family of four. Hope had BOTH of her parents with her in China. She had to depend on both of us to take care of her. By the time we got home, she had bonded with us and knew that we were Mama and Daddy. Claire isn't going to have that luxury. We are sure she will bond with Garry as she will have to trust him to care for her in China. But once they get off that plane back home, she's not going to know Mama or Hope from any of the other strangers that are milling around her at the airport. More than likely it will be a rough couple of weeks as she adjusts not only to her new surroundings but as she learns that I am her Mama and I'm not leaving her. And let's not forget she's got a big sister who's jumping up and down to get ahold of her!

I have given Garry "STRICT INSTRUCTIONS" (LOL) that he is not to let ANY women hold her. I keep remembering what we were told in our attachment and bonding class that we had to take the first time through. Babies will bond three times before they start to distrust. The first time is with their birth parents. And yes, even those who are put up for adoption at such a young age have bonded with their birth parents. Both of my girls will forever be bonded to their birth mothers if only by the simple fact that they carried them inside their bodies for nine months. The second bonding has already occurred with the caretakers at the orphanage. In both cases, those she has bonded with have "left" her. The third bonding occurs with their new parents. So you see...with Hope and I not making the trip, it looks like we're going to miss the third bonding period.

In an attempt to at least "introduce" ourselves to her, I prepared a book with pictures of all of us for Garry to take with him. I also made a video of me singing a lullaby to Claire, and one of Hope talking and singing to her. In this way he can play them over and over for her while we are apart.

Another thing that I hear a lot is, "You must be so excited!" Not really. For over two years now we've had to keep our emotions in check. Anger and frustration became the only emotions we knew. But now, ever so slightly...especially after hearing that Garry was safely in Beijing...things are starting to change. I am still guarded...you can't help be with this whole process...but I'm starting to believe that this just may happen. No excitement yet, but something much more wonderful...inner peace.

Until next time!

P.S. You can hear Allison Krauss singing her version of Claire's lullaby at the bottom of the page.

Still nothing to report officially.

Garry talked to Chris at the agency last week. She said that CCAA was going to update their website that week. They didn't. My best guess? The computers are all screwed up with the move. Isn't it so cute how I can come up with a logical explanation?! Creating order out of chaos...that's me...Super Mel.

Let's see...Garry asked Chris about our LID. Oh my friends, good news simply ABOUNDS! Depending on which reviewer at the CCAA she talks to...who knows? One told her it was August 25th, 2005, and another told her it was September 5th, 2005. So, we don't know and we WON'T know until somebody from the agency calls us and tells us we have a baby.

Our CIS fingerprints are going to expire. I am beyond thrilled (read with HEAVY sarcasm) at this. When we turned in our final paperwork I put this little note on the fridge that said something like, "CIS fingerprints expire August 31, 2006. Call in May of 2006 to reschedule and notify the agency of the date." I remember laughing and saying to Garry, "We won't need to worry about this!" HA!

The fur has FINALLY started to fly on the Yahoo boards concerning our agency's new travel policy. Apparently there are some other folks who feel as if they've been taken advantage of just like we do. I can't say that it's going to change the situation, but it kind of makes me feel better. At least now I KNOW that it's not just us. Some of these folks are coming up with some verrrrry creative ways to get around the new policy. I am watching with great interest!

So, in the last post I told you that I had told God that I couldn't do this anymore. Still feel that way...still true. This week, He reminded me that several months ago I told Him that I didn't THINK I could do it anymore. His answer this time, was the same as several months ago. He said, "If you could hold Horatio and comfort him while he passed, then you can get through this wait." I know He's right...I know it...but it is just so incredibly frustrating. Everyone is trying to apply logic and rules and mathematical principals where there AREN'T any!

A million and twelve thanks to Jeannie, who called me last night to reschedule my dentist appointment. She told me her computer had crashed and wanted to know if we had any news of Claire yet. When I told her no she said, "Then we'll just keep praying."

Another million and twelve go out to Sandy, a member of our first travel group. She read the last post and emailed me letting me know that our wait this time was extremely similar to their wait for their first daughter, Zoe. She said, "After the going nuts stage, I just kind of checked out…coasted in a fog." I am SO there now friends. Coasting in a fog is the way to go.

And thanks to each and every person who reads this and "listens" to me whine. I know there are a lot of you who check in every now and then and although you may not let me know, I know you are praying...it means the world to all of us.

On a happier note...while running errands this weekend we were inundated with "signs". The Disney Store was filled with new baby items sporting Dumbo and Timothy on them...we bought several to add to the stuffed Dumbo we had already purchased for Claire. AND, it seemed that no matter where we were, the lullaby I have chosen for Claire, "Baby Mine", was playing somewhere in the background. Yes, people in Target and Toys-R-Us probably wondered what I was bawling about, but you know what? Who cares?! Let them wonder!