One year ago today...

I was sitting here wondering how I was going to survive for the next two weeks...

Hope was napping...

Claire was in the Qianjiang SWI...

Garry was on a plane headed for China.

Four years ago today...

Garry and I were at H.H. Gregg buying a new camcorder and packing for our trip to China...

Hope was in the Anqing CWI...

Claire...wasn't.

Today...

I got some wonderful news after battling some old demons for a couple of days...seems I won this time. Thank you God...

I dropped Hope off at preschool and when she got out of the car she said, "I love you Mama!"...

When I put Claire down for her nap I said "I loooove you Claire!"...she laughed...then babbled three syllables + Mama in the same tone I had just used with her...

I don't think I've ever had a better day.

This weekend we are going to cocoon as a family. It's going to be too cold and nasty to go out and do anything. So we made sure we accomplished all of our errands during the week, we're going to have a HUGE amount of food delivered from Zeppe's, and we're just going to be the family that we've become...and waited so long for.

Stay warm...and be blessed!

Another bunch of disjointed ramblings...

Another word about comments...when someone leaves a comment on the blog I'm supposed to get an email telling me about it. Sometimes this happens...sometimes it doesn't! LOL If I have missed replying to someone's comment please forgive me. The only way I find out about some of them is if I stumble upon one when I'm typing a new post.

My humblest apologies to our neighborhood for the state of my flowerbeds. I'm embarrassed that I've let them go so badly this season. I found out it took me much longer than I would've hoped to get used to taking care of two kids, a house, two cats...etc.! Once I finally figured out how to juggle all of that, along came my surgery/surgeries and I wasn't ALLOWED to play in my overgrown weed patches. My landscaping suffered greatly. I promise to do better next year!

The boys get along like they were littermates. I still can't get over it. I've never had two cats get along let alone love each other like these two do. The girls think they are endlessly fascinating and Claire is madly in love with Gus who just lies there purring and lets her do just about whatever she wants. Yet another double blessing from God.

And yes, I'm going to talk about my cats if I want to. They are just as much a part of my family as my girls. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you don't understand it there's nothing I can do or say that will illuminate it for you. You either get it or you don't. I'm not being snide or sarcastic so please don't read that tone into my words. I'm only saying, either you're an animal person or you're not. If you're not, please don't hold it against those of us who are! ")

The girls are growing and changing every single day. They have both gotten so TALL! We went for our first vacation as a family of four in late August. We spent five days or so in and around Frankenmuth, Michigan. It was so much fun...but I was glad to get home too! The girls had a blast. They loved Bronner's...they are their Mama's daughters after all. The last time Garry and I were there was two months before we received our referral for Hope. We had visited many times before and found it such a special place. We purchased our stockings there...one for Mama, one for Daddy, and one for Hope...whom we hadn't even seen yet. The emotions that washed over me as I walked through those doors again...this time not only with Hope but with Claire who wasn't even a THOUGHT the last time we were there. And of course, we bought Claire *her* stocking on this trip. ")

Hope started her second year of preschool in September. She has the same teacher she did last year and she's in the same room...and she loves it! I pray she can *always* be this excited about school. She is still into Lilo and Stitch...loves to play with Little People...likes to visit the library and devours just about any book you hand her...still obsessed with Little Einsteins...and she loves her little sister.

One of the mother's at Hope's preschool whose child was also returning this fall saw Claire and said, "She's not a baby anymore! She's a real live toddler!" Yeah, she's her own person. She has the strongest personality of any human being, adult OR child, I've ever known. She's got a temper like nothing I've ever witnessed...and of course have had jokes tossed my way about my *own* temper. ") She will literally eat just about anything and in huge amounts. She is not only walking, but running and climbing as well. She does a lot of talking...we can make out most of it but I wouldn't put anyone else on the spot! LOL She's got her own words and sounds for a lot of things...and most of them sound very similar. Our pediatrician's have assured us that this is normal and she's exactly where she's supposed to be developmentally. She knows everyone in our family and calls us by name. I am Mama. Garry is Da-Da. Hope is Puh-Puh. Gus is Guh. And Wally? Well, I'm not really sure how to spell her version of Wally! LOL She is another little beacon. People flock to her just like they did and continue to do with Hope.

I love both of my girls fiercely...but don't think for a moment that life with them is all hearts and flowers! LOL As much as they adore each other there are screaming fits...both individually and together! Today they were fighting over a toy. I put the toy in timeout. I've found that's more effective that putting the girls in timeout! We've had some small jealousy issues but really nothing major. In short they're perfectly normal sisters.

A word about posting pictures...I'm becoming increasingly uneasy about posting pictures of my girls online. There are too many nutjobs out there that will snag pictures of children and do God only knows with them. At one point I had some posted at Yahoo photos. They could only be seen by folks I allowed to see them. Yahoo photos is no more...so I've got some up at facebook.com. It's not foolproof but at least I can attempt to restrict their viewing to people I know.

Hope and I decorated the house for Halloween this week. She is so excited about trick or treat...and so am I! ") I've waited so long to have two that can share a "theme"! LOL Terri, you will enjoy this...

Last year I looked all over for a Stitch costume for Claire. I had high hopes she'd be home for Halloween and I wanted to dress the girls like Lilo and Stitch. Hey, it isn't hard. Hope wants to be that EVERY year! The only ones I could find were for beaucoup bucks and I couldn't see paying that amount of money and not knowing what size she'd be or even if she'd be here. SO! This year, after MANY years of coaxing, Hope agreed to be Mulan. I was just about doing cartwheels in the street. I went online trying to find a Mushu costume for Claire. Again, if I wanted to pay $40-$60 it wasn't a problem. So I thought maybe I'd dress her like Yoda...simply because I'm insane and I think it would be hilarious. Last year AFTER Halloween, I bought several costumes for next to nothing that were on clearance at The Disney Store. We gave some to Hope for Christmas and some for her birthday. She uses them to play dress up. One of them was a Hula Lilo costume. It still fits her perfectly...so I said to her, "Would you like to wear your Hula Lilo costume this year and maybe Claire can dress like Stitch?" She was jumping up and down she was so excited. I went straight to eBay, found a brand new one in Claire's size, and got it for less than $25 WITH shipping and insurance. It arrived yesterday. It is simply ridiculous how excited I am about it! LOL

A word for those still waiting for referrals...AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! My heart just aches for these folks! CCAA just finished matching babies to parents whose LID's went to the end of November...*2005*! To put that into perspective...our LID was September 5, 2005. Claire has been home for almost nine months. People whose LID's were only three months after ours are still waiting to see a picture of their baby. AND, geez I thought "The Great LID Mix-Up" was horrifying. That doesn't even begin to compare with what's going on now. You can read about it starting here. You will end up at the Rumor Queen's site. You are looking for posts titled "A Mystery", "Still A Mystery", and "Trying to Solve the Mystery". To Cheri, Shane, and everyone else still waiting...JUST HOLD ON! YOU ARE SO CLOSE!

I've rambled long enough. I'm headed over to facebook to play Scrabble. I am hopelessly addicted to online scrabble and am currently playing 13 games. ")

Barb, if you are reading this please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you! ")

Blessings y'all!

So Mel...what's going on with...

1) Humphrey? Well, if you noticed the last post and the giant gap of time between posts I guess you've figured out that we lost our precious Humphrey. On the 17th I received news that *my* liver was just fine. On the 18th we received news that not only had the lymphoma spread to Humphrey's liver but he also had the start of fatty liver disease. There are NO words to tell you how badly this whole situation SUCKED. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone but even his oncologist used the same terminology. So, on the day after what we had always considered his birthday, we said good-bye to our boy. I can still hear Hopie screaming, "But Mama! I want to keep him!" Me too princess...me too.

All in all he was NOT a good cat! LOL He wasn't known for his good behavior. But as I told all of his doctors...

"That boy was such an anus…yes…I said anus. We used that word to describe him every single day. 'Humphrey stop being an anus!' 'You’re such an anus!” 'Stop anusing about!' You get the idea. That boy had not one single solitary shred of impulse control. If he wanted to do something he did it…repeatedly…for years. Yet the cat who destroyed more breakables than all of my other cats together, was the same cat who sat next to his brother Horatio until Horatio’s seizures would pass. The cat who would find the highest perch in our bedroom at 2 a.m. and yowl like his toenails were being ripped out, was the same cat who would awaken me in the middle of the night kissing my face. The cat who would get behind furniture and chew electrical cords was the same cat who would walk me upstairs to bed every single night…and perhaps that’s when I miss him the most. He would hear me getting an allergy pill…yes…most cats come when they hear food…he came when he heard my allergy pills. He’d appear from wherever he’d been…and God only knows what he’d been doing there. He’d meow, raise that two foot long tail straight up in the air, I’d take hold if it, and he’d lead me up the stairs."

I miss him more than I ever imagined I would. The house is too quiet...I have much more time on my hands now that I don't have to keep an eye on his activities 24/7. Do I want another one like him? Absolutely not. Would I take *him* back? In a heartbeat.

I played "what if" for weeks...what if I would've noticed the lump sooner...what if we didn't let them operate...you get the idea. It was pointless and all it did was make me feel guilty...I believe I've read it's called survivor's guilt. I also spent a great deal of time being more angry than I ever thought I could be at God. For the life of me I still can't figure out WHY He'd want Humphrey back. One night in the shower (and you know that's where He does all of His talking to me) I was sobbing and basically saying what I just did here. I said, "What do you want me to do!!!???" Loud and clear I heard, "Trust me." I think I went certifiable right after that. "TRUST YOU??? ISN'T THAT EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING??? AND YOU STILL TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME!!!!" For those who haven't known me for darn near all of my life, I trust no one. Honestly, I think The X-Files snagged my tagline. So to be asked to trust? He knew He was asking something major. Oh mercy...I've got a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

Long story short, I'm going to trust Him. It ain't easy...but I guess following His plan for our lives isn't. I choose to believe that something good will come of all of this. I don't know...maybe Hopie will grow up and find the cure for feline lymphoma...or human lymphoma. I would never ever say that to her though. If she's meant to do that I want her to go in that direction ON HER OWN.

2) Mel? My MRI guided biopsy went well...or so we thought. The results came back benign and we celebrated with pizza and donuts! And then several days later we got the radiologist's report that said something to the effect of "I'm not confident I biopsied the right spot." Well isn't that special? In the meantime the spot he *did* biopsy became infected. So I spent ten days on antibiotics every 6 hours...even set the alarm to go off at 4 a.m. so I wouldn't miss my early morning dose! AND to top it off, this radiologist is the *only* guy in these parts that does the MRI thing. SO, at the end of the month I have to go BACK to him and he is going to insert a guide needle/wire into the spot (please pray he gets the right one LOL) and then I will be wheeled into surgery where MY surgeon who we trust completely will remove WHATEVER this little blip is that is causing so much concern. She (my surgeon) said she truly thinks it's nothing but with two small kids at home that depend on me, she's not taking any chances. Soooo...what was that message that I got about trusting? ")

3) The state of Chinese adoptions? Aye carumba...please pray for everyone still waiting. The CCAA just last week completed matching parents with LID's up to November 7, 2005. YES I SAID 2005!!! People whose papers were logged in two months after OURS are just now seeing a picture of their baby's face for the first time. CCAA has also told at least one country to expect the WAIT...that's AFTER you send your papers to China...to be up to THREE YEARS. My heart ACHES for these people.

4) THE Agency? Don't get me started. This is a MAJOR challenge for me to try and remain even the slightest bit positive. I have so much anger and bitterness directed towards these folks. I work every single day to let SOME of it go. Eventually I pray that with God's help I can let ALL of it go.

We are required to send monthly progress reports for the first year after returning home with Claire and then quarterly for the next two years. We are also required to send pictures with the reports. Well...like the dutiful servants that we are we signed everything the agency gave us and sent everything we were supposed to for Hope. We later found out that the 4-5 pictures we were sending each and every month were NOT going to China as we had been told verbally. The pictures were being used in all manner of the agency's publications both in print and online. We were never notified when our pictures were used...and by the way each and every picture we ever sent them has our name and address printed on the back...we found out five different times by accident. The first couple of times it was kind of flattering...then it just got creepy. I mean, how many pictures do they receive each month and they've used us five times that we know about? How many other instances DON'T we know about? Hope's face was plastered on every single page of the China portion of their website...now removed thank heavens! There are too many creepy folks out there that I don't want having unrestricted access to my girls' pictures.

So when the post placement packet arrived for Claire and I opened the booklet...there was Hope's face staring back at me again. I literally went ballistic. This is a new publication and they are still using her pictures. We haven't sent them a new picture of her since February of '05. Upon further reading there was a waver that we were told to sign basically saying that we give up all rights to our photos and this adoption agency can use them any way they want to. Again...ballistic. Hormones in overdrive I vowed I wasn't going to do ANY post placement save the two visits with our social worker...no monthly reports, no pictures, NOTHING! After I let that eat at me for about a month I decided I couldn't do that and remain healthy. So, I've been doing two months worth of reports at a time. Along with the reports I send one page of thumbnail photos printed off of our computer. At the bottom of this sheet is this statement:

"The Hageman Family requests that (insert the agency's name here) NOT use our photos for any reason without express written permission from us. We will not be signing the release included in the post placement packet. We feel as if (your agency) has overused the photos of our oldest daughter, Hope. While we are flattered that you think she is so photogenic, we would respectfully ask that you stop using her likeness in all new materials. (Your agency) receives countless pictures from parents who would be thrilled to see their daughters’ faces printed in the agency’s materials. Regrettably, we are not one of those families. We feel very uncomfortable granting strangers carte blanche with our daughters’ likenesses.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter,
signed...dated..."

Snarky? Probably. But honestly folks, we've had enough. Not only don't we like not knowing when and for what purpose our baby's likeness is being used, but we don't want anyone to SEE those pictures and think we endorse the services they are about to receive from this agency. I pray with ALL of my heart that no one else has to go through what our family went through with this place. And I'll say it again...it's not just this agency! There are problems with many other adoption agencies.

Garry called the probate court to ask a few questions about readopting Claire. Yes, we have to readopt for our COUNTY. The gal he spoke to said, "Your agency should be helping you with this! Who are you working with?" He told her. She said, "Oh...I've heard they're not very helpful."

On Friday, May 25th we received a letter from said agency. It was full of legalese and basically the only thing I could get out of it was that our home study was going to expire...to which I thought, "big deal". However as you read further there were statements saying, "You will lose your status as an adoptive home!" "You must sign and return this by May 31st!" And what was I seeing in my head? "YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR DAUGHTERS!"

On the verge of throwing both girls in the car and heading for the state line I called Garry and read it to him. He couldn't make sense of it either. He called the agency and actually got the person who had sent it out. Ok, get this...all it was saying was that if you think you're going to want to adopt AGAIN you need to sign it and return it before the end of the month when your home study expires. If you don't do that then you have to start all over again. He assured her that we would never completely lose our minds and want to go through the process yet again. When she complained to him that she had been fielding phone calls all day over the letter he suggested that perhaps said agency should include a cover letter that EXPLAINED the legalese as she just had.

Yet, in true agency fashion, the letter was dated May 18th...we received it on the 25th...it had to be back in their hands by the 31st. That was Memorial Day weekend...so it couldn't have gone back out in the mail before the 29th. If we DID want to do this again there was a sentence at the bottom of the form saying that $1000 would be needed for the update and if we wanted to use said agency they'd need another $1000 for post placement. Hey y'all...I don't know about you, but we always have an extra $2000 or so lying around.

Done...stepping down from my SAID AGENCY soapbox now.

5) The girls? They are FABULOUS! Absolutely the reason I get out of bed each and every day. Claire is cruising the furniture like nobody's business and eats like a linebacker! That kid will eat anything...and I do mean anything...doesn't have to be food! LOL She lights up like a Christmas tree and squeals with delight when she sees her sister each morning. They are starting to interact with each other and it is just a joy to watch. Of course, with that interaction sometimes comes conflict...not so joyous...but normal!

Hopie finished her first year of preschool and is already looking forward to going back in the fall and being in "The Big 4 Year Old Class" as she calls it. Realizing that she will be starting Kindergarten next year...well...it's simply a terrifying thought! LOL She's excited about going to Vacation Bible School for the first time at the end of the month. Her favorite activities include eating outside on the patio at her new picnic table, playing with Play-Doh, and anything having to do with Disney's Little Einsteins.

Claire's favorite pastimes? Taking off her pants when I'm not looking, ridding her feet of those accursed socks, pulling the barrettes from her own hair AND her sister's, and calling Gus..."Ki-ki-ki-ki". For those of you who don't speak 14 month old that's "Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty"! ")

Speaking of kitties...we're going to go meet a prospective new furry member of the family tomorrow evening. He has his own story which I will share later. Let's just say that Hopie has already named him and in true Mel fashion, once I saw his picture I knew he was mine.

Until next time be blessed...

All right...I have calmed down considerably and will now attempt to tell you about the latest chapter in "Our I171H---Part Two---The Terror Continues". I also liked "Electric Boogaloo" but "The Terror Continues" was a more appropriate title for the sequel.

Let's start with yesterday. The person at our agency who was supposed to call Garry...didn't. He spent most of his day leaving messages on numerous agency employees' voicemail. None of them called him back either. He was set to start dialing again today when the first person he called, called me! Of course, I was on my way out the door to pick up Hope from preschool at the time...and all of the messages that we left said to call Garry on his cell...and our file states that Garry's cell is our main contact number...sorry...slipped into another rant...

So she calls and tells me that Garry has left several messages on her voicemail asking about the length of the wait for the I171H from Cleveland USCIS. My mind snapped...actually heard it break...much like a dry twig used for kindling. As nicely as I could I told her that was NOT what we were asking. I told her that USCIS doesn't have our home study. "Yes they do." Ummm...noooo...they sent us a letter on Friday saying they couldn't process our request because they don't have our home study. "They have it." At this point, you want to know what I'm hearing in my head? Raucous cackling followed by a singsong voice saying, "We've got your baby and you're not going to get her" over and over and over. She said ALL of their families are receiving this letter and all she can do is put me on a list...and on...and on... I asked her if she would please call Garry on his cell because I had to go pick up Hope. She apologized, said she would call, checked the number, I hung up and shook all the way to preschool.

On the way home we stopped to share Claire's pictures with a friend who happens to be one of the sweetest women God has ever placed on this Earth. Hey, I needed to absorb some of her positive energy before I went back home to deal with the dark side again.

We got home about an hour after our agency called me. I called Garry and said, "So what's going on?" He didn't have a clue. No one had called him. I explained to him what had happened and he said he was going to call THEM as soon as we hung up.

About 20 minutes later he called back. Six of our agency's families who are trying to renew their I171H documents received a letter from Cleveland USCIS saying they had not received their home studies. The person who spoke with me was currently on the phone with someone AT Cleveland USCIS. This person assured her that the USCIS had EVERYONE'S home studies AND everything else they needed from the six families.

Garry was told, "It's like they are targeting this agency!" You know what? Go ahead and insert your own sarcastic remark here because my friends, this is just tooooo easy.

We were also given a piece of information that made us smile even more than knowing the USCIS had our papers. EVERYONE IN OUR GROUP HAS RETURNED THEIR ACCEPTANCE LETTERS AND THEY ARE ALREADY IN THE AIR BACK TO CHINA! The sooner they get there the sooner CCAA can do their thing and get our travel approvals sent back.

I really am a lot calmer now than what I was just 30 minutes ago. Y'all have received "The Sanitized Version" of events. It's been awhile since blood has threatened to spurt out of my eye sockets like that!

Y'all take care...

Mmmmm...spooky cheese fingers...

No, I didn't go through with my threat to go postal. These little morsels are what Hope took to her preschool Halloween party. I made them with my own two hands...and *my* fingers are still intact!

Well, there aren't any rumors out there so I have nothing to share on that account.

Apparently there were eight agencies involved in the "Great CCAA LID Mix-Up". I give our agency credit. They informed us that we were switched last January. Other folks from other agencies weren't told until they didn't receive their referrals when they thought they were coming. What a nightmare. And also apparently, we were not just added to the September group, we *became* the September group...while they became the August group. According to members of the original September and now August group, they were not told that their LID's had been switched. The agency didn't want to have to call them back and tell them that they had been switched back again should CCAA have decided to correct the error.

SO, moving on...congrats to the new families...and I'm ready to see my baby!

Another word or two...or fifty about adoption agencies. I've been doing a lot of reading online lately and for the life of me, I don't understand how ANY of these agencies stay in business. Some sound slightly better than ours, and others sound grossly worse. There are people out there going through grander ordeals than we are. Some are being denied at the very last minute...when they are expecting their referral. Some are living and dying by when the next referrals come out.

At this point I don't care. I just want my baby. As one waiting parent put it, "I'm not getting on that roller coaster again. I'm just going to stand on the side and watch what happens." Amen sister. I want to be able to say, "We're next!" and know that's true.

Until next time...

P.S. In case you are wondering I am hopelessly caught up in the phenomenon that is "Dancing With The Stars". And yes...I cast all my votes for Emmitt and Cheryl!

A little early...but it needs to be done!

Things I Am Thankful For

1. I am eternally grateful to everyone who has taken the time to call, pray, email, or speak with us personally over this latest mess. I couldn't possibly name all of you without forgetting someone, so I'm not even going to try. Please know that it means so very much to us to have your support!

2. The group of babies that was just referred to our agency were from Jiangxi. We had requested that if it be at all possible, we would like our daughter to be from Anhui, just like Hope. A sign? Perhaps!

3. I have had curly AND wavy hair since oh...I don't know...fourth grade? When we returned home from China my curl disappeared...all of it. I joked with many people who say pregnancy hormones completely change your hair...so do adoption hormones! I also joked that I knew it would be time to bring Claire home when and if my curls returned. They are back, as well as the waves...with a vengeance.

4. Thank you TLC for running a week's worth of stories dealing with international adoption on "A Baby Story". If you are unfamiliar with this show you can learn more here. I've watched many babies being born and while it is heartwarming I have no personal point of reference for the experience. This week however, watching babies being handed to new parents in airports, government buildings, and orphanages...well, this I get...and I've needed Kleenex's every single day. Today was China and although I've seen this episode before it was no less touching than the first time. The mother was traveling with her sister, while daughter number one from China stayed home with her daddy. In his words, and I can't remember if I've posted this before or not, so bear with me, "Yes, I'm going to miss not having the same experience I did the first time. But things are different the second time around." Amen.

5. Thank you God above for my precious husband. I wouldn't even be alive today had I not met him. And yes, most people who don't know him think he's very much like "House" on the television show of the same name. However, within our little family he is the kindest, gentlest, most patient and loving individual I've ever known. The man keeps me sane and stable.

6. Another giant thank you to our Heavenly Father for my girls. Kim, my little sis who is more grown up than I am; Jennifer, my separated at birth twin who has opened my heart and mind to so much more than I ever could've imagined; Rachael and Alicia who I couldn't love anymore if I *HAD* given birth to them; Hope An-Li, there are no words to describe how deeply I love this gift from God; and my Claire, I don't know what you look like...I don't know where you are...but I love you with my whole heart baby girl and I can't wait to meet you.

7. Ok, so 7 is a partial repeat...I'm going to talk about Hope some more! We've had almost two full weeks of no tears at preschool. She's been upset about her own things...and what with the tension in the house over the current adoption, things were bound to boil over soon. One morning at breakfast she asked me, "When Daddy go to China, he will come back?" Yet another time she opened up with, "When Mama hold Claire, she will still hold Hopie?" Lots of talking...lots of reassuring...lots of EXTRA holding. She's amazing.

She's also HILARIOUS! She's obsessed with Disney's "Little Einsteins". Again, if you'd like more information visit them here! Every so often she'll throw out, "Mama? Who's Mozart?" My personal favorite this week was, "Mama? Who's Georges Bizet?" She's also become highly proficient at, well, how do I describe it? You know how kids put their tongues in and out of their mouths really fast and make a...I don't know..."blethu, blethu, blethu" sound? LOLOLOLOL Ok, well, my daughter performs Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight Of The Bumblebee" that way. You can't make this stuff up friends!

And lastly, this weekend we went to Sugarcreek in Amish Country. We ordered a new kitchen table from Andreas and as you HAVE to do when in Amish Country, we ate too much! Monday morning while I was getting her dressed I asked her where she went on Saturday. Her answer? "Boogercreek!" We both collapsed in a fit of giggles until we were both gasping for air. Probably NOT my best parenting moment but the kid knows when she's got me!

8. A final thank you for my boys...Humphrey and Gus who make each and every day special in one way or another! And Garth and Horatio who are God's lap cats...for now!

More disjointed ramblings from a waiting parent...

I am beyond insane...simply beyond it...and not in a GOOD way! On a happy, well, maybe not...maybe INTERESTING note, the last referral cutoff was August 9th, 2005. That was the date that our dossier was sent to China.

I have come to rely on the rumors now. Whereas before I found them irritating, now as we get closer and closer I find them NECESSARY to get through the day. The latest are certainly interesting. Supposedly referrals are coming out next week and the cutoff will be August 23-24, 2005. Remember our first LID? AUGUST 25, 2005. There is also a new one saying that all of us with messed up LID's will be taken in the order that our files were RECEIVED and not logged in. Hey, it's a long shot but at least it's positive. Either way I'd like to think that if we aren't included in this batch that they could include BOTH of our LID's in next month's group.

We are more than ready to be finished, done, completed, through etc. with THE AGENCY. I don't want to go into a long diatribe about this agency...there are many, MANY satisfied current and former clients... but after almost two years in the program this time, we've just seen, heard, and witnessed too many things that shouldn't be going on. First and foremost is the "cloak and dagger" attitude. Client "A" calls agency Contact "1", asks a question, gets a response. Client "B" calls agency Contact "2", asks the same question, gets a DIFFERENT response. Client "C" calls agency Contact "3", asks the same question, gets yet another response. Client "A" calls agency Contact "1" again to find out what's going on and is told yet a fourth different response. You get the idea...and it usually all happens within the same day. Other agencies post helpful hints on the wait etc. on their websites...they post any information they have about when referrals are coming/updates on the wait etc. We get the "It's a secret and don't tell anyone I told you..." treatment. No, wait, to be fair, that was what we got when we were waiting for Hope. This time it's all been, "Don't get your hopes up. Don't believe the rumors." And my personal favorite for which I may just go postal, "Once you have that baby in your arms all of this will be forgotten!" Ummm...right...you really do think I'm *that* stupid.

It looks like our Holy Grail I171-H is going to expire before we have our consulate appointment in Guangzhou. So here we go again! Dena, our social worker is updating our homestudy. Garry filled out another I600-A last night and wrote the check. We need certified copies of our birth certificates (again) and our marriage certificate (again). Total cost to re-do this stuff...around $700. Again, I am beyond insane. I'm not even nice anymore...if I ever was to begin with!

Our family recently came through a real test. Our lives were filled with anger, sadness, and fear. God brought us out of it with peace and light and hope. I know if I can just put this STUFF with the agency in proper perspective, He will certainly bring us through this as well. I also know that I want my baby.

Baby number one is an amazing creature. She started preschool last month with a flourish. I cried of course. Daddy had an upset stomach. Hopie ran off into her classroom without so much as a wave over her shoulder! LOL She can't wait to get there, she loves her teachers, she talks about all of the children every day...and this week the bottom has completely fallen out. On Tuesday she screamed bloody murder that she wasn't going and I barely got her there. Today was better but she tizzed out once we got there. I'll be darned if I know what's going on. I've talked to her teacher...and Garry and I have both talked to Hopie. We're at a loss right now to help our precious angel. The only thing Garry and I can think of is she went absolutely, completely insane last October too. Maybe it's cyclical for her! Let's just pray that Claire's month to go nuts is different from her sister's!

Oh! My weight! You remember I was hoping to lose 10 pounds before Hope started school. I didn't, but I was halfway there! I continue to work on it and am doing well. My clothes already look and FEEL a lot better. Still nothing drastic...I'm aiming to get to the low 130's and maintain. Garry is going great guns! He weighed himself this morning and has lost 11 pounds! Does my husband rock or what? ")

Claire's room looks like it is ready for her! (Just don't open the closet!) It gets cleaned just like the other rooms do now but I can't bear to go in there to organize clothes or toys yet...not until I know what her little face looks like.

And so that's where we are! Don't get me wrong, we have more positive up days than not...today is just a very down day. God will do what He does best and I just have to let Him do it!

Blessings y'all!

And now...for the disorganized ramblings of a waiting parent...

We were on cloud nine here at The Family Homestead last week for a couple of days. The rumor was that CCAA was working hard to catch up and make the wait for referral 12 months. The next batch of referrals were to contain the rest of July 2005 and all of August 2005. We were GIDDY I tell you! I mean, even with the LID mess, that would've meant that we would receive our Claire's picture and information in either that batch or the very next one.

HA! So much for giddy! Referrals came out last week...on a good note, EARLIER than everyone had expected. On a silly ridiculous note, they only included seven working days worth of matches. No "official" cut-off date has been published however, it seems that in the last 3-4 weeks they've only moved from July 13, 2005-July 22, 2005. Want to hear something insane? I laughed. Yes...laughed. I mean, how much more proof do I need that God is orchestrating this whole thing? SEVEN DAYS? HILARIOUS! I get it...I really do...Claire isn't ready yet...but could you just hurry her up a little bit? ; )

Sadness sets in when I think about when the referral might come. Yes, I still hold out hope that they are going to catch up. However, if we don't receive our referral by mid-October at the latest, there is very little chance of having her here with us for Christmas. We have a little porcelain ornament from last Christmas which I have hanging on our fridge. It says, "Waiting For Claire 2005". I think I'm going to have to pull out one of my pigma pens and add 2006 as well.

We were refingerprinted on August 10th. We received our updated I 171-H (The Holy Grail of All International Adoption Documents) on the 19th! Seriously...I almost passed out. That turnaround is UNHEARD of! Now, if we could just get the CCAA moving! ")

Because...our I 171-H expires in mid-December. If we aren't back in the US with Claire by then, we have to spend more money, update paperwork, file more forms, visit our social worker...you get the idea.

Hope starts preschool next month. With the added stress of the extended wait for Claire, and trying to be upbeat about being separated from my OTHER baby I have, well, extended MY weight. Eating everything that doesn't eat me first doesn't seem to be the healthiest coping mechanism OR a good example for my girls. SO! I've been busy doing extra workouts, skipping dessert, and limiting portions. I'm doing very well, no eating disorder danger signs. I'm down three pounds and I plan to lose seven more before preschool starts. Again, nothing drastic. It was just very depressing that I couldn't fit into some of the shorts I had gotten at the beginning of THIS summer.

I finished the text for Hope's lifebook and we have been working on putting it together all this week. She's really enjoying playing with the pictures and stickers. I'm really enjoying seeing it come together. It is turning into a real work of art...but more importantly, it is going to be an invaluable tool for her AND us as she deals with where she came from.

Garry and Hope put up Claire's crib last weekend. I've yet to do anything other than clean it. I'll get busy this week...I promise! :)

Y'all take care...

UPDATE...HOPE

My precious baby is three years old. So help me where does the time go? She had her three year well baby visit last week and as we all suspected, is perfect. She is 35 inches tall and weighs 28 pounds. Save for a small patch of eczema on her knee she is the picture of health.

We are busily filling out forms and enrolling her in preschool. The very thought grabs ahold of my chest and sqeeeeeezes! We think we've gotten her into our first choice and although they said they had room for her now we've decided to wait until fall. Of course I'm not going to be any more ready by then but I think I can stand two mornings a week for a couple of hours! ")

She is absolutely obsessed with puzzles, Jo Jo's Circus, Dora The Explorer, and anything having to do with letters and numbers. I caught her last week counting, "101, 102, 103, 104..." She amazes us EVERY SINGLE DAY! She is constantly asking what letter things start with and can now rattle off a list of things that begin with just about any letter. The last two days we've started working on what sounds letters make...she's got about 1/2 dozen down so far! Am I bragging? Well DUH! She's my BABY! ")

I look at her and I still cannot believe that she is here with us. I remember so clearly how hard it was waiting for her to join us and we didn't have a third of the problems we are having with Claire's process. I love this little creature so very much...thank you God for placing her into our hearts and lives.