Breaking The Surface---Part Two

Ok! So as you might remember I had a wonderful road trip and everything was solved! Not. That road trip was just what I needed at the time but it solved nothing. By the end of that week I had had at least one day where I found myself prostrate on the floor, trying to pray but the only thing that was finding its way out were sobs of the gut wrenching variety. And yes, those still count as prayers...God knows better than I what those sobs mean. My girls do NOT witness these scenes. They are busy downstairs emptying every single toy box, drawer, storage cube, etc. and having a righteous blast. Once they are busy I go upstairs to my room, sit on the side of the bed, and talk to God. That is when the tears appear. I'll talk more about that topic in a future post.

Before I go on, let me clarify something. I LOVE my children, BOTH of them. I do NOT want to LEAVE my children...or send them back to China...or make them disappear...or any one of several other ridiculous ideas. That is NOT what this is about. This is about Mel. I already know Mama. I'm well acquainted with her. "She" is the way I'm wired. I'm an empath...a nurturer...a Mama. If there's something wrong, I want to help you take care of it. I want to make you feel better. So maybe what this is all about, is turning Mama loose on Mel. Mel needs to figure out, discover, create the person she wants and needs to be.

So the aforementioned friend...the one who talks me down from my ledges? This person allows me to ramble at will via email. Did I mention said friend is sooo going to heaven? Whenever something is bothering me...confusing me...making me smile...pissing me off...I ramble...and send it off. Besides having a "Living Journal" to share all of this with, I've also got a treasure trove of blog entries just waiting for me to cut, paste, and edit.

The following is a portion of a ramble written the Thursday before Hope's first full day of school...which coincidentally was the day God had to decipher those sobs of mine:

"My heart is crushing dealing with the thought of my baby being gone from me all day on Monday. The fear isn’t that she’s not going to come back. The fear is losing a huge chunk of her…she’s going to have 8 hours a day that don’t involve me. She’s going to have an entire life apart from me at age 6…where Mama Bear can’t be there to protect her from the hurt and the fear and the evil. I was snuggled up to her, reading her a story this afternoon and it just smacked me right between the eyes. This “thing” that I’ve been doing…this routine…this reading to her in the afternoons since she was 11 months old…will be over tomorrow. And yes, I’ll still read to her...but it’s just the saying goodbye. Like when she lost her first teeth…they were the same two teeth she had when she was handed to me.

When I finished reading to her I told her I’d miss her on Monday. She’s amazingly strong that kid…GOD I love her. She won’t cry unless something is absolutely killing her. She reached up and wiped away a tear, never admitting that she was crying, and asked, “Mama…I’m going to be gone all day. Are you going to be ok?” Then she did something she’s never done…ever. She crawled over and draped herself over me for a hug. The kid isn’t affectionate…never has been. I held onto her for dear life and let my tears flow for both of us. I told her I’d be fine…I’d miss her but I’d be waiting for her at the bus stop with Claire when she got home. We talked about all the fun things she’s going to experience in first grade. She pulled back…ground another tear away with her fist and said, “But Mama…if I’m gone all day…how am I going to remember you?” That one just about tore my heart out by the roots. I have worked very, VERY hard…maybe too hard…to make my girls strong, and confident, and independent. I worry about leaving them without a mother…again. So we talked about what Mama smells like…and looks like…and sounds like…and dresses like…and how she can think of those things when she’s gone. She sat there for the longest time…her face not two inches from mine…staring into my eyes…trying to decide what color they are so she could remember. Again…I LOVE that kid."

The next installation is from Monday, her first day. I just reread it...and yes, it's only been three weeks, but all the feelings just rose to the surface again. The thing is...now? I'm able to let them rise to the surface, deal with them, and move on. No more denying they exist...no more pushing them back down:

"This day has already kicked my butt. I didn’t sleep last night. I think I saw every 40 minutes from 10:45 until 6:15. Had both girls ready with time to spare…took the first day pictures…put the “Mama loves you” notes in Hope’s lunchbox and her school box. Talked to her about a bunch of stuff and tried my hardest NOT to cry in front of her. She asked me several times again if I was going to be ok without her all day. I did just fine until the bus was pulling away. She was waving up a storm at me…and her mouth was smiling…but her eyes weren’t…her eyes showed fear. And I *KNEW* she was going to be fine once she got to school…but that one just about killed me. Made it until, I don’t know…10:30 until the big tears came. Let Claire watch tv…I went up to my bedroom and let them out. Was in Hope’s bedroom twice before noon…just to “smell” her. Got a few things accomplished that didn’t really keep my mind off of anything. Lunch was killer. Opening the fridge and seeing her milk in there from breakfast this morning…only having to get lunch ready for one…her place empty at the table. Claire upset and telling me we had to go wait for the bus (like we did when Hope was in Kindergarten) before we could have lunch. After lunch…same thing…only one to make sure she brushes her teeth…one story to read…one monitor to bring downstairs. More big tears after that."

And that day just got better...yeah...right. I had Claire up from nap and we were waiting for the bus at least 20 minutes before it was due. It was the first day, I knew it was going to be late. I didn't care. When it finally came up the hill I could exhale again...and let loose of the picture in my mind of me running after the bus, ripping the door from its hinges, and grabbing my frightened child from her seat. The bus stopped, four of the five children who were supposed to get off got off. The door closed and the bus started moving...and Hope was nowhere to be seen. I waved at the driver and mouthed, "Hope?" She stopped, looked behind her, smiled, then got on the radio and got Hope's attention. One thing I had neglected to tell her? Only the Kindergarten bus drops you off at your own house. NOW you have to get on AND off at the bus stop. I breathed another huge sigh of relief, squeezed the breath out of my oldest child, and walked home.

Things went progressively downhill that week. I had at least two days worth of wordless prayer. I don't think I can say it any better than I already have:

"This week bit. Flat out blew…dare I say sucked ass. Fear and anger and depression the likes I’ve never seen…nor do I want to again. At least earlier this month I’d have a moderately up day or just a stasis day in between. Not so this week…one black hole after the other. Hope comes home insane or exhausted or both. The school/teacher sends home things that need to be done immediately with no instructions. I read through everything…look at her website…look at the school’s website. Nothing. So finally I email her and ask her. Nope…nothing is published anywhere…but what a good idea! She gave me the info I needed and then also added, “I don’t know why they don’t send that information out to the first grade parents.” Yeah…me either. This morning Hope was in tears…SHE’S deconstructing now. She was clinging to me…and remember…this is the kid who is NOT affectionate…and crying, “Mama I miss you too much! I’m at school more than I’m at home!” ::sigh::"

After three weeks she still tells me every day that she misses me too much. I miss her too. So does Claire. But we're adjusting. She loves school and all of her teachers. She thinks being able to buy her lunch is beyond awesome. Recess is still tops on her list followed closely by Gym...although she's talked a lot about Music lately too.

Right now I'm working on a winning streak. I've had at least 12 days that I consider GOOD in a row. Not just baseline days either...there have been a lot of them in there that were downright wonderful...filled with sunshine, giggles, and utter silliness. Today I am feeling blue. But that's all it is...just blue. I'm not sad...nor depressed...nor angry. I think it has a great deal to do with the fact that today is the anniversary of 9/11.

Will I plunge again? I don't know. Do any of us know, really, what our emotions are going to do from second to second, let alone day to day? I fully expect to drop, yes. But I'd like to think it won't be as far, or last as long. But again, how can I know? I will continue to deal with each day as it comes. Some go in the win column, some don't. But so far? He's still letting me get up and try it again the next day.

Blessings y'all,

My computer is full...the C drive is about to explode...the D drive is almost there...I keep getting all of these dire warnings that I am dangerously low on space. This last weekend Garry and I went through and deleted a bunch of things that we don't use to free up some much needed space. I ran across everything from my now defunct Prayer, Praise & Peace website. I'm not getting rid of any of it...all of those articles and pages and testimonies are far too precious to me.

For those of you "new" to my life I began a web ministry in 2000 called Prayer, Praise & Peace. The why is a story for another post, but while going through a dozen or so of the 90+ pages that made up my site it became crystal clear that some of those pieces of wisdom need to be OUT there again and not just buried on my D drive.

I thought the following series of what were originally three different testimonies would be more than appropriate to share this month. Please notice the dates on these...they are not recent. However, as the title of my blog says, Our Journey Continues. I finished my five year course of Tamoxifen in May! Whoo hoo! And guess what? Still here! There have been other incidents since these testimonies that are described in the blog...though never mentioned specifically. I am trying very hard to see each incident as simply a "blip". We handle each blip as it comes...I'm still here...I plan on keeping it that way...my surgeon is STILL my treasure...I do not now nor do I ever plan on having cancer. And should that happen? I will fight it with all the strength God has given me and I will win. Count on it! ; ) Now think good thoughts...start your own monthly BSE TODAY if you haven't yet...get a yearly mammogram...mine is Friday!

January 16, 2001

Well, I certainly didn't plan on having another testimony to share with you so early in the new year. But then, I suppose I'm still learning that God's plans for me are much more important than my own.

Last Wednesday was like any other day. I did some ironing, picked up around the house, ran the sweeper and the dishwasher, put away some Christmas decorations, worked on the site, put a pot roast in the oven for dinner...nothing spectacular. Nothing out of the ordinary until I went upstairs to take my shower.

While I was reaching for the shampoo, a voice fairly shouted, "CHECK YOUR BREASTS!" It was so loud in fact, that I actually responded aloud with, "O.K.!" Now, I don't check my breasts nearly as often as I'm supposed to, but I've learned, you don't ignore that still, small voice when it beckons.

My right breast was fine, just another ordinary part of my ordinary Wednesday. I wasn't so lucky when I moved to the other side. There was a lump; a rather pronounced lump, just sitting there in my left breast waiting to disrupt my ordinary Wednesday.

As it happens, my husband was late getting home from work that night and I had worked myself up into a minor state of emergency by the time he walked through the door. When he saw me crying he assumed that I was upset with him for being late. When I told him why I was crying, I felt even worse, seeing how much the situation frightened him as well.

That ordinary Wednesday night turned into one of the longest and most frightening nights we've ever lived through. A lot of prayers went up that night and I have no doubt that each and every one of them was heard, as small, yet very significant blessings started popping up everywhere.

The next day, Garry stayed home from work to take me to see the doctor. Thank God I was able to get in that day! And I also thank God every single day for sending my husband to me. He is my rock and I truly don't know what I would ever do without him. After being examined I was told that it "most probably" was a cyst, but seeing as I had just had a normal mammogram in May of 2000, and with my family's history of breast cancer, I would need to be referred to a breast surgeon and he or she would determine the next step. I now have an appointment for next Thursday, January 25th, with a surgeon.

January 18, 2001

My appointment with the surgeon is officially one week away. To say that I was apprehensive would be an understatement! But I am also nowhere near the state of terror that I was last week. God has revealed so many blessings to me in this last week that have brought me so much peace. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I needed to go through this, so that God's blessings in my life would become more apparent.

When I found the lump in my breast, I felt my world spinning out of control again. The whole eating disorder, stomach problem, and nausea central kicked into high gear. I stopped eating, I even stopped drinking water. I think we all have that one spot in our lives that we allow Satan access to. You know, that really weak area that we let him come into and poke around in? The one that no matter how many times we've chased the little demon out, he still comes back? Guess what my weak area is? ; ) But you know what? The battle was different this time. I laid it all at God's feet and I was eating and drinking the very next day. Even the nausea is gone.

When I go through one of these episodes, I often become frightened for several days afterwards, most often at night. It seems my symptoms are always worse when it's dark, and that's when I'm most likely to let The Evil One start messing with me. I voiced these fears to my husband who took them all away with one simple statement. He said, "Jesus was born at night and he wasn't afraid."

After I dried my eyes and blew my nose from that incredibly sage piece of wisdom, I sat down to look at a "page a day" calendar that Garry had purchased for me that day. He had spotted it in a local bookstore for 50% off seeing as the new year had already started! Each page of the calendar features an inspirational quote from Max Lucado and a Bible verse that goes along with the quote. On the very first page, January 1, 2001, the Bible verse read: God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all. 1 John 1:5

I dried my eyes again and continued to read on. The entry for January 9, 2001 read: "Where is God when we hurt? Where is he when sleep won't come? Where is he when we awaken in a hospital bed with pain that won't subside? He's right here! He hung on the gallows to prove once and for all---with pierced hands and blood-stained face---that he's here, that he didn't create the hurt, but he came to take it away." My friends, do not be surprised at the terrible trouble which now comes to test you. Do not think that something strange is happening to you. But be happy that you are sharing in Christ's sufferings so that you will be happy and full of joy when Christ comes again in glory. 1 Peter 4:12-13

I am continually amazed at the awesomeness of God's timing.

I also thank Him daily for the wonderful friends he has placed into my life. Without their support I don't think I would have made it through last week. I told three people, all by email, the day after I found the lump. One is my "little sister", Kim, whom I have been in love with since I was seven years old and she came into my life as a screaming, wiggling, tiny, take-charge dynamo. She went through a very similar situation about a year ago, and without knowing it, had pretty much prepared me for every single step of this process. She is a God-send, but then, she always has been. Another email went to my best e-buddy Jennifer. I met Jennifer online about four years ago and I have to say, she owns a big chunk of my heart too. She is one of the most unique individuals I've ever come across and I don't ever want to imagine my life without her. Her response was hilarious and it was exactly what I needed at the time. I needed a huge, giddy laugh, and that's just what she provided. The third message went to my newest e-buddy Linda. I still believe Linda has a "hotline" to God. This lady's prayers kept me going. She displayed such caring and support...to someone she's never even seen. I don't have the words to express my thanks to her and her family.

I have not told many people at this point, and I apologize for that. It's not that you are any less important to me, because you aren't. I hope you are not reading it here first! If you are, feel free to let me have it! I just want to wait until I know something definite before I worry them as well. A fourth message ended up going out to my friend Terri. Terri and I have been friends since we rode the school bus together and I should've known better than to try and keep it from her. She spotted the prayer request I put up for myself and in her own inimitable style let me know in no uncertain terms that if that "Mel" was me, she wanted to know what was going on right now! She too, had gone through a very similar situation and has provided her strong shoulder and support.

January 24, 2001

It is now two weeks since I discovered the lump, and tomorrow is my appointment with the surgeon. I think I've told just about everybody who needs to know now. And they have all provided an unending supply of prayers and strength.

I have also had another message from that still, small voice. It came in the shower again, telling me, once more, to check my breasts. Believe me, I didn't want to! I was afraid to touch myself for fear of what I'd find! But I did, I listened and you know what? The lump is smaller. Praise God and thank you ALL for your prayers. I promise as soon as I have any information from the surgeon I'll post it here. It is my hope that by reading this, someone else will be able to catch a lump that may not "most probably" be a cyst.

I have joked with quite a few people that as soon as I get the all clear from the surgeon, whether it be tomorrow or however long it takes, the first thing out of my mouth is going to be, "I'm going to Disney World!" = D So remember, if you happen to see that line appear on my homepage, you'll know what it means!

January 26, 2001

My appointment is now over. I'd like to be able to shout, "Hey, I'm going to Disney World!", meaning that I received a totally clean bill of health and I'm on my way to a major celebration. But as I sit here typing this final entry I am reminded of Monday's calendar page which read: "God loves us so much that sometimes he gives us what we need and not what we ask."

I know he gave me exactly what I needed yesterday. I was calm and clear-headed all day, definitely a first for me in these types of situations. Perhaps God is telling me I "need" to go through this to reach my next level of relationship with Him. I am not afraid anymore dear friends. Whatever happens, God will be there giving me exactly what I need in that moment.

No, I wasn't given a totally clean bill of health, but I wasn't given a death sentence either. I will need to have a biopsy done on the lump. However, God blessed me, even through that news. The surgeon is going to be out of town for two weeks and didn't feel it was necessary to do the procedure until after she returned. I take that as a very positive sign. Sooo...while she's gone for two weeks, I'm going to Disney World anyway! = )

Praise God, and may He bless each and every one of you.

Copyright 2001---Mel

June 22, 2001

Many kind people have inquired as to how my biopsy turned out so I thought I'd add a "Part 2" to the original testimony.

First of all, I want to say thank you to each and every person who prayed for my recovery, sent cards, email messages, visited, called or just thought good thoughts. I couldn't have made it without you. Secondly...we had a GREAT time in Disney World and we plan on going back next February! LOL

August 23, 2001

Well, my friends...this has proven to be a formidable task. I think I've done just about everything I could think of to do, just to put this off until another day. This whole ordeal has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through in my life, and I didn't want to sit here and start to share these feeling with you until I could have something positive to say. I think it has something to do with the fact that I feel I have to be in control of every situation I encounter and in this case, only God has control. There have been days when I have *not* handled things very well. I've told more than one person that on those days, I have acted like a petulant two year old! ; ) To those of you that deal with me regularly, thank you for remaining quiet on that last point! = D

In any case, I have learned that God is in charge. I made the choice to surrender to His will a long time ago and now I've just got to learn that that means surrendering *everything*, I can't pick and choose, and frankly why would I want to? I mean, I don't want to spend my days here on Earth filled with worries and fears about the future! I want to enjoy my time here as much as possible. Life is too short to begin with, why should I make myself miserable? Was that The Serenity Prayer I just heard some of you muttering?

So what made me start typing today, you ask? Well, several things. First of all, the advice of, yet again, my little sister, Kim. Folks, last week, I was literally at my wit's end over the treatment I have received from the surgeon and the oncologist that I have been going to. Please, let me assure you that I am sure that these two physicians are competent. They wouldn't have the thriving pratices that they both do if they weren't. I, however, need a physician who is willing to treat the entire patient. One who has good communication skills, who can convey that he/she genuinely cares about the patient, who treats the patient like a human being, and one who can display at least some rudimentary organizational skills. I know, I know...that last requirement was a bit snarky, but that's just me! After months of agonizing and literally feeling that being sick is better than going back to these people, my YOUNGER sister reminded me that there are plenty of other doctors out there who are much better suited to my personality and why should I continue to put myself through this torture!? Isn't she a treasure? And isn't it amazing how someone who loves you can make you just step back and see things from a calm, rational, and more neutral viewpoint?

Secondly, a visitor named Kate signed my guestbook today. It was one of the sweetest, most moving messages I have ever received. She said that through reading my testimonies, that I was an inspiration to her. Friends, that simple message given straight from the heart, opened the floodgates. As soon as I sent her a thank you message, I started working on this page and I've yet to get writer's block! ; )

Now that you know why I finally got started, let's go back in time and update you on what's been going on.

After a lot of confusion and miscommunication the biopsy was finally scheduled for Thursday, March 8, 2001. It was done as an outpatient procedure and truthfully, it wasn't any big deal at all. I was asleep for the whole thing! I had virtually no pain afterwards, and didn't even feel the need to fill the prescription for pain meds that the surgeon had given me. Of course, I was disgusted that I couldn't shower for two days...I am a girly girl after all! ; ) There was the normal pulling sensation on the wound and I had minor pain but nothing that Tylenol couldn't handle. The surgeon called the following Tuesday and told me that there was absolutely no sign of cancer and that I'd need to come in in four weeks or so to have the strips removed from the incision. Off I went, happy as a clam to "start" living my life again...until I had to go have my strips removed the first week in April.

So I'm sitting there on the table wearing that really groovy little paper top when in comes the surgeon. After checking the incision, and removing the steri-strips I was told that although I didn't have cancer, there was an area of "cellular change". There I sat smiling and shaking my head like one of those little bobbin' head dolls while inside I was screaming, "What does that mean and why wasn't I told before today?" The surgeon continued by saying that an appointment had now been scheduled for me with a "specialist". I was told that this "specialist" would put me on meds that would prevent me from getting breast cancer in the future, but not for awhile yet, because they don't give those meds to women who haven't gone through menopause. WHAT? My appointment was concluded with me being told that there was no need for me to return this surgeon.

I was so confused when I came stumbling out of there! I guess you can probably guess that my big problem with this doctor was the communication or lack thereof! I don't know why I wasn't told about the cellular change via the phone four weeks earlier, but then, I don't know why I wasn't told a lot of things about what to expect after the surgery. As my friend Lori told me, don't focus on the negative. This person found the area of cellular change and that's the important thing.

The specialist turned out to be an oncologist and let's just say that, going to an appointment there was not fun. There are many things I could say, and have already said about this whole situation, but I'm trying very, very hard to let God deal with it, and me. The one point I will make about this person is that there is no focus on the positive, only what might happen in the future. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!!!" This doctor doesn't seem to get that and tells me things like, "I just don't know what more I can do to offer you some peace" and then schedules another test for me.

SO dear readers, with all of that said, I am moving on! I have been doing some research and I have received referrels for breast surgeons and oncololgists from trusted friends who have gone through this themselves and also from my family doctor whom I have gone to since I was a teenager and love dearly. I am going to have the latest test at the end of September that the oncologist scheduled for me, but I will not be returning there for any further treatment. The results of the test will determine whether I schedule an appointment with a new surgeon, or a new oncologist.

Several times this year I have said, "I just want this to be over with so I can get on with my life!" Shortly after voicing this sentiment God spoke to me in that still, small voice that has now become so familiar to me and said, "Mel, this is your life! You can't put your whole life on hold while you wait for it to be what you want it to be!" He, of course, is right and my friends, that is what I'm going to do, to the best of my ability. I am going to live the life He has given me.

God bless you and as always, thanks for being there!

Copyright 2001---Mel

October 29, 2003

Well, well, well! Who would've thought it, huh? Who would've imagined that I'd have a "Part 3" to add to this testimony? Certainly not me!

I still have the tremendously bad habit of putting things off for way too long. This testimony was no different. Now, whether you know it or not, I'm pretty much a pack rat. I save just about everything...including old email messages. In this case, I thank God for that trait! Because, it is from these old email messages that "Part 3" emerges. These incidents took place in April, May, and June of 2003.

Monday, April 28, 2003

Welll...I'd like to tell you that I've been absolutely fine all day, but that would be a lie! LOL I have, in my humble opinion done well though!

Last night was just the normal week after the period check...I'm not even sure it *is* anything but I don't want to futz around. If something needs to be done I want it done *yesterday*. I've got too much to look forward to. This is *NOT* I repeat *NOT* going to get me! Ok...now I'm bawling. As the day wears on the tears and the fears are starting to creep in. I think what this may be is His way of telling me it's time to start taking the Tamoxifen. If this stuff can keep me from having to go through this again, I'm ready to start popping it. I have a wonderful husband, two precious furry boys, and a miracle baby depending on me. I'm not going to mess around any longer.

Friday, May 2, 2003

Well, what can I say, other than God is totally awesome?

The lump that I found was unlike any I've ever had before. It was small, and hard and that scared me. I made absolutely sure that my gynecologist felt it and do you know what she said? "That little thing!? We don't worry about anything that small! We just keep an eye on it and look for changes." I immediately starting sobbing and just sat there on the table with my arms wrapped around her. She is, however concerned with one of my bigger cysts and made an appointment for me with my surgeon before I left the office. My appointment with the surgeon is May 12th.

In any case my gynecologist told me from now on, should I find anything that bothers me to call the surgeon first. "I love you, but she's the one I'd send you to anyway!" I can't even describe how I felt leaving there yesterday. It was such a total and complete feeling of relief. I was so scared.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

First of all, I'm OK...really! I just wanted to make sure you got the news first. My surgeon said she really didn't feel anything that concerns her. She does think the area that my gynecologist was concerned about has gotten denser. She drained a MAJOR cyst in that area while I was at the office.

She took two slides of the stuff she drained out and was sending them to the path lab. The results should be back Friday, or Monday at the latest. No matter what the results, I have an appointment with her in two weeks for two reasons. One, I'm about 6 minutes away from starting my period so I'm extra lumpy and swollen. She wants a good feel when I'm not so "expanded". Secondly, she says my left breast is a "busy" breast. There's a lot of stuff going on in it and she brought up Tamoxifen again. We talked about it for awhile and she gave me a couple of pamphlets to take home and read. I asked her if I had to find an oncologist to prescribe it for me, she said no way, she can do that.

I can't read Garry's take on taking it right now. He's close to being in total denial. He just keeps saying, "I don't want you to go anywhere." I told him that God wouldn't tell us to adopt a baby girl and then have me die. "You're not going to die!" I told him that eventually I was going to die but he just kept repeating, "Not in my world."

I'm leaning towards going for it. The thing is, it is a five year commitment. However, she did say that some people can take it and others can't. If you can't, no big deal...we'll just keep doing what we're doing. It doesn't prevent breast cancer it just reduces the chance of getting it, the kind that is estrogen fed that is. There is an increased chance of cataracts, stroke, blood clots, and cervical cancer. I've read her pamphlet and I've also done some research online before I even saw her. The incidences of those things occurring are low. Also, she says she usually prescribes one baby aspirin a day along with the drug to reduce the risk of blood clots/stroke even further. Now, about the cervical cancer...I figure I see my gynecologist every year. If it happens, it will be caught early, and I get a hysterectomy. No cervix, no chance of cervical cancer. Even the information says that. If you've had a hysterectomy, there is no chance of cervical cancer. She also said depending on what the path report says, she may do a biopsy near the other one just to see what's going on.

So, that's where we stand right now. I'm not going to let this get me! I've got a whole new chapter of my life ready to unfold and I want this mess behind me before it starts! ") I told her I'd do whatever it takes because I want to be around for my daughter for a good long time.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

The surgeon's office called this afternoon. The path report came back. No cancer, but it sounds like the same thing as last time...there is way too much cellular activity. So, yep, you guessed it. I get to have surgery again. I was really ok until I started typing this! ") I'm waiting for the office to call me back with the date and time. It will most probably be Tuesday or Friday of next week. I just feel...empty I guess if that makes any sense. I know this is happening for a reason and I have to trust God...and I do. I'm just afraid that this is something I'm going to have to go through every two years and I don't think I have it in me to. I want to scream and cry and beat my chest and say why me?! Instead I'll just leak a little while longer. I guess all of the delays with the adoption paperwork make a lot more sense now, eh?

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

The surgeon's office called this morning and my surgery is scheduled for next Friday, the 30th at 10:00. I have to be there at 8 of course. I'm better now than I was last night and that's all I care about at the moment. Every day gets a little better and I just keep reminding myself of that. All I have to do is look at my precious Garth to see just what miracles God takes care of each and every day.

Monday, June 2, 2003

Well, the surgery is over and all went well. I can't tell you just how much I appreciate my surgeon! She is SOOO much more a human being than the one I had last time. I had more aftercare instructions a week before I went in for the surgery than I did *after* my last one. She spent quite awhile after the surgery talking to Garry. He said she drew a picture on a white board and explained everything she did. She also discussed Tamoxifen with him and I am sooo glad.

I had the same kind of anesthesia as last time, more than a local, but less than a general. But, as with everything, it was much lighter and much better this time. I could actually hear them talking all through the surgery but I just didn't care or feel anything. I remember them sitting me up and telling me to hold my arm up. I heard a voice say, "We're giving you a really sexy tank top Melissa!" Then, me being me, hear my voice say, "COOL!" A male voice then says, "Yeah! She's old enough to remember tank tops! It's supposed to be nice today, you can go lay out!" Me again, "Right...in my sexy tank top and my 30 SPF sunscreen." Laughter in the OR! My eyes were open and my doctor was talking to me before I left the OR for recovery. She said everything looked good to the naked eye, it just looked fibro-cystic. As soon as I have the results I'll let you know.

I refused the Darvocet they offered me at the hospital and I didn't have Garry fill the prescription for it either. I took Extra Strength Tylenol three times Friday and once Saturday. Other than that, no pain, nausea or anything else. I took my walk this morning but I was moving pretty slow! ") I am tired but I'm trying to keep moving, but I'm not pushing myself either. I took *many* naps this weekend and one this afternoon too. I spent a GREAT deal of time the last two weeks cleaning my house and getting enough food in for the next week or so. Therefore, I can afford to take it easy for a couple of weeks. ") The kitties are in HEAVEN. They are both stuck to me like glue and Garth isn't into sharing with his brother. Lots of hissing the past couple of days.

Wednesday, June 4, 2003

Got my call from the med tech today. In her words, "Your biopsy was fine."

October 29, 2003

So there you have it! In case you haven't guessed it by now, I have a new breast surgeon and she is wonderful. She is highly talented, communicates extremely well, is very organized, and treats me like a human being. She is a treasure and came highly recommended by my gynecologist. I am no longer seeing an oncologist, and I don't really feel the need to. I do not have cancer and the good Lord willing, I never will. But should the disease rear its ugly head, then, and only then will I start looking for an oncologist.

At my follow-up appointment two weeks after the surgery, she went over the biopsy report with me in detail. It was actually a better report than the first time...but then, EVERYTHING was better this time. ") She also gave me a prescription for Tamoxifen which I have been taking daily since mid-June. My side effects have been minimal and I will be having my "every six months" appointment with her at the end of this year.

Thank you God for bringing me through yet another trial and making me a stronger person. Thank you to my gynecologist and to my surgeon for your brilliant work. A special thank you to my friend Linda, who was the recipient of all of the email messages you just read and for all of her love, prayers, and support.

God is so good and He continues to get through this angry, stubborn exterior any way that He needs to.

God loves you...He is right there beside you every step of the way 24/7...don't you ever forget it.


Copyright 2003---Mel

Ohhhh...the cockeyed, whirling, jumble that is this entire process just continues!

Word has it that our TA's are in hand at the agency. This information came into *my* hot little hands just before noon. Has anyone from THE AGENCY called? Heavens no! If they didn't call when they received our referral, why would they call when our TA arrived? Which, by the way, Garry asked why we weren't called about our referral. Are you ready? "I already knew you were coming in to take a picture of the wall after work. It was one less call I needed to make."

SO! The phone rings about ten minutes ago and it's Gateway Travel...the travel agency that books all of our agency's flights. Bless her heart...she said her name is "Carol". I would bet you everything I've got that that is not her birth name. Her given name is probably something closer to Hua Mei or Ming Na. And I am *not* a racist! I'm simply pointing out that she had a VERY pronounced Chinese accent. Hey, when we went through this before, our agent's name was "Marvin". You guessed it...I had a really hard time understanding him too.

Anyway...Carol calls here and wants to talk to Garry. I ask if I can take a message, she gives me her phone number and starts to hang up. I say, "And this is about?" She says, "Your trip to China!" I immediately gave her Garry's cell phone number and told her to call him. She wanted to know if we were both going. I told her no, just him. Then she wants to know if he wants "extra seat for baby on flight home". Again I told her, "Call Garry. He's the one who's going. He's the one who knows the answers to your questions."

About five minutes after I hang up with Carol, Garry calls me. *HE* hasn't heard anything from THE AGENCY yet but Carol has called him. So...he asks Carol, "So what date is it that we are supposed to be leaving on?" She says, in a rather exasperated tone, "Well the 18th!"

At this point, Garry and I are laughing so hard that there isn't a single sound escaping from our lungs. How par for the course *is* this latest development? Hmmm...so we *may* have TA but we don't know...and he *may* be leaving on the 18th...but again...we don't know.

Am I excited? No. Am I mad? No. I believe the only word that describes it is numb. I refuse to get excited or upset or depressed or joyous until my youngest daughter is physically *in* my arms. I will tell you this, our family can't take much more of this. We are holding onto our sanity by our cuticles.

God bless each and every one of you out there that continue to wait for your chosen child. Our hearts and prayers are with you!

UPDATE: Garry just called again after getting off the phone with someone at the agency. I can't remember if he said that they called him or vice versa. At any rate, they do have TA's and they have been faxed to the consulate. They are expecting/hoping/predicting/WA guessing that our consulate appointment date will be faxed back to them overnight. Everyone is hoping for a departure on the 18th...if not they are looking at the 25th. Told you...God's sense of humor times 10.

Emotions are getting through. Mostly fear...lots of tears...and just afraid to hope.

UPDATE #2: Technically, this is an update on the update! The agency never did call about our TA. Garry is the one who called them. ::sigh:: I cannot WAIT to get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Ok...remember this statement from a couple of posts ago?

"We are all just trying to smile and keep positive attitudes while we work through the junk!"

Well folks, the junk continues. I've kept smiling and kept my positive attitude...until today. (Linda, please note the day of the week!) In short, the last couple of weeks have been absolutely exhausting both mentally and physically. Why you ask? Read on...or not! :)

1. For reasons I don't care to get into on the worldwide web, Hope became frightened of darn near everything. It started with a couple of our Halloween decorations which I immediately put away. It then progressed to things like the television...so much so that she wouldn't even enter the family room to play with her toys. After that it could be anything...things hanging on the walls or sitting on an end table that have been there for years...Humphrey...you name it. The child who chased Humphrey through the house trying to pet him was now crying if he was even in the same room with her. After a lot of love, talking, and extra attention she's just about back to her normal happy self and all is right in her little 2 year old world...and she's chasing Humphrey through the house trying to pet him again!

REASON TO SMILE? It's over...we lived through it...and she now knows that TALKING about something that bothers her is a good thing.

2. The tendonitis in my foot is trying to creep back. After 10 days on Prednisone it was feeling better and I had about a week of pain-free normalcy. Don't get me wrong, it's still better than what it was, it's just so dang ANNOYING! Add this to the fact that during those 10 days on Prednisone I ate darn near anything that wasn't moving I now feel, in the words of Gaston from Disney's Beauty & The Beast, "...I'm roughly the size of a baaaaaarrrrge!"

REASON TO SMILE? The foot does feel better...it has its good days and bad days. I've been able to cross one med off of my daily who gets what and when calendar! Please notice I didn't say I *am* the size of a barge, only that I *feel* like I'm the size of a barge. There is a big difference! I've worked long and hard to change those evil thought processes!

3. I’ve been working in Claire’s room cleaning out the closet…tossing things…putting things in a pile for a yard sale…organizing. My wedding dress is in a big storage box on the top shelf. On top of that were some of my old toys and a bunch of my baby things that my mother insisted I take. As I was reaching for something on top of the box, a box containing my old electric baby food dish toppled off and fell to the ground. I ignored it and continued to go through things. A few minutes later I went to pick it up and there, underneath it, on my cream colored carpet, was a straight line of about ½ dozen dime sized spots of SOMETHING that was deep forest green. I touched it and it was wet and oily. I opened the box containing the dish and all three compartments were FULL of this green oily slime. I grabbed it, wrapped it in some old blanket that was nearby and raced it downstairs to the trash. I spent the next block of my time trying to get it out of my carpet. I think I’ve got most of it…can’t really see it but if you get too close you can smell the stuff! ICK!

REASON TO SMILE? When we got the carpet we got really GOOD carpet. The guy told us that if we ever needed to cut any out and patch it you’d never be able to see it. AND the wretched thing only leaked on my carpet. It must’ve dribbled out of the compartments when it fell…there was NOTHING on the outside of the box of my wedding dress. Although I told Garry that I’d almost rather that it was on the dress instead of the carpet. I can’t imagine either one of my girls ever wearing a 10 in anything!

4. So much for any of us rotating out of our 8 or more week periods of ringworm meds. Yes, The Hageman Family will now and forever be known as The Fungal Family. Horatio and I presented right around the same time in late August and started our meds in early September. He's officially done today but read on. I'm still applying the cream. All three of my spots are very faint and almost gone. Once they are gone I still need to use the cream for two more weeks. Hope got her little happy spot early in October. So far she only has one and the over the counter stuff her nurse recommended is working great. Humphrey started his bout in late October and his earliest cut-off date is December 2. However, to prevent Horatio becoming re-infected we will have to continue with his meds until Humphrey has had no new spots for two weeks and hair has begun to re-grow.

REASON TO SMILE? Garry has been spared. The meds are definitely working. No one is itching like crazy anymore. The vets will have to administer the meds while we are in Florida for 10 days! Let me tell you...giving a cat liquid medicine twice a day is not a fun proposition. Horatio does much better than Humphrey...whom during administration is known as "El Diablo".

5. Wednesday night I heard this weird hissing noise…but I could only hear it in the laundry room. I asked Garry if he heard anything. He said no…I told him to listen in the laundry room. He did and said it was coming from downstairs. He went downstairs and our hot water heater had sprung a leak. Honestly, the first thing out of my mouth was, "GREAT!" The first thought was, "Gads...what next?"

REASON TO SMILE? Hope had already had her bath for that night. Our builder was a genius and has the basement set up so that if something like that ever happened that it simply drains down a small slope and into the drain in the floor. I quickly took a shower with what was left while Garry filled the sink to wash the dishes. We had the new one installed by dinner time the next day by a really nice young guy…couldn’t have asked for anyone better. It could've happened while we were on vacation...but it didn't. It could've sprayed everything all over the basement...but it didn't. It could've blown up...but it didn't! Those three statements were my next thoughts right after the discovery and I held on to them for DEAR LIFE! ")

6. Last Thursday, while the new hot water heater was being installed, I sat down to work on Hope’s Halloween costume. I was, seriously, about an inch away from being done when my sewing machine literally ate her costume. I could not free it no matter what I did. Garry had to take the miserable thing apart and then I was finally able to gingerly work the costume out…however during it’s adventure there was now a cigarette burn sized hole in it…along with a couple of oil stains. Friends, I had just about reached my limit! LOL I simply went into my office while Garry worked on putting the machine back together and played on my computer and tried not to cry.

REASON TO SMILE? After he finished I went right back to it and finished that last inch. And now I know why I was able to find an exact match between red thread and red t-shirt...have you ever tried to match reds? It was so I could mend the hole and no one would see it. I also know why I decided to start on the back instead of the front! I worked on the front all afternoon on Friday and finished it Saturday. YAY!!!

I don't mean to offend anyone or their beliefs by what I'm about to say. I figure everybody reading this already knows what I believe and either shares those beliefs or loves me in spite of them! ; )

I truly believe that God has been allowing Satan to poke and prod at me so that I can be ready for our next great adventure. This may simply be our trip to Disney World this month or it could be our trip to China next year. In any case my patience and strength of will obviously needed some work. Heaven knows that a flight of *any* length can be pretty stressful when you have a two year old along. I just hope I passed the test because I've had enough for awhile!

I remember going through a stage of very intense anger and frustration during the waiting period for Hope's referral. Well, I guess today begins (and hopefully ends!) that stage for Claire. I simply had reached my limits and took it out on some poor woman who called to tell me that, "Since I was such a good customer I qualified for blah, blah, blah." When I asked her why she didn't tell all of this to Garry when she called two nights ago she said, "I can't. It's federal law. It's to protect your privacy." Ok...so if Garry would've said he was me, then you would've spoken to him? "Are you saying you'd like to be placed on our Do Not Call list ma'am?" I said, "Ma'am I've asked REPEATEDLY to be placed on your Do Not Call list." "Well ma'am I have to read you a disclaimer!" I really don't remember a whole lot after that other than I'm pretty sure I heard myself raising my voice...and I know I told her to leave me alone several times...and then I hung up on her. ::sigh::

Am I whining? Probably. But my BIG point here is that several years ago any ONE of these things would have immediately triggered a migraine headache, anorexia, or a 2 a.m. trip to the emergency room for some much needed drugs to stop the uncontrollable nausea and its side effects. I am amazed at how far God has brought me and how much strength He has given me. I don't have time to get sick! I have an incredible, God given family I need to take care of and enjoy! Thank you God for Garry, Hope, Humphrey, Horatio...and Claire too! You have blessed me beyond my wildest imagination!

Until next time y'all!