Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Becoming...


Sooo...if you read my last post, you know I'm going THROUGH. One of my favorite Joyce Meyer messages is "the only way OUT is THROUGH". And believe me friends...I want out...I want faarrrrr out...I want shot from a cannon out.

I suppose I've come to that point in my life, that so many women before me have. I have absolutely not one single clue as to who Mel is. Strip away the titles...Mama...friend...wife and what do you have? I have no idea. What happened to her? Did she ever exist? Most days I feel like I am screaming into a vacuum. I am completely invisible.

I have been beyond blessed with someone who reentered my life several months ago. This amazing person opened my eyes to a lot of things. Possibly the most important is that it's time for Mel to live...and feel...and see Mel the way OTHERS see her. Very simply, put a mirror up in front of my face...my life...and made me take a good long look.

The Mel I know has lived behind walls of her own making for decades. Those walls were built for survival...if you don't feel...you don't hurt. Oh sure, the feelings were always there, but they were always controlled...metered...monitored. She is extremely weak...avoids people, and conflict, and relationships of all kind because those all, eventually, bring pain. Think beige...think wallpaper paste.

Lately I hear people describing me as intelligent, amazing, beautiful, strong, classy, sassy, creative. It boggles my mind. As the months have progressed the walls have not just been torn down, they have been obliterated. Which, I'm sure, in time I'll be able to see as a good thing. However, right now? I LONG for those walls...to run behind...and take a breather from the feelings...from this...living thing I'm supposed to be doing. Those walls held a virtual torrent of feelings...feelings that have been repressed for longer than I care to think about right now. And while I allowed the good ones to filter through during the years, and couldn't help but let some of the negative ones escape? Now? Now it is almost beyond overwhelming. It is a mind numbing, heart breaking, soul crushing flood of never ending grief. I am literally completely exhausted by 4:00 every single day. Accomplishing the simplest of tasks is like trying to reach the summit of Everest in an hour. I collapse in bed every night...and this morning I can safely say that when I got up, I couldn't even tell I had been asleep for the last 8 hours. And the depression that sets in at that time of day is horrendous.

I pulled up an article on Elizabeth Kubler Ross's stages of grief today. Wow...I hit that nail squarely on the head when I described what I was feeling as grief. I was assured that what I was feeling was ok...normal...and that it's ok to flip between said stages at will. Of course I also felt like I was smacked in the face with an ironing board when I read that this could last for months. And yet I have to keep fighting. I want to KNOW this Mel that others seem to see...to know...to embrace.

Which brings us to this time of year...my VERY favorite...please do read with heavy sarcasm.

August has always brought about it's own set of challenges...and irrational fears. August has always meant "Back To School". When I was a student I dreaded it. When I was a teacher I could barely function. And now that my girls are heading off to school? I find it almost crippling. I spoke about it last year...when Hope started Kindergarten. It is worse if that's possible this year, now that she'll be away from me all day long...and facing the distinct possibility that Claire will be in preschool two mornings a week. What I left out last year at this time was the why I feel this way. Very simply, and going with this Mel that other people see...the one who is strong enough to deal...for several years I was what would be called "inappropriately touched" by a male member of the faculty of the school I attended. I did what I had been told...reported it to my mother...my best friend. I was told by my mother that he wouldn't do something like that...he was a teacher. I was told by my best friend that she couldn't understand why he'd want to do that to me...it wasn't exactly like I was attractive or anything. He continued until *I* told him to stop. Explains a lot...doesn't it? So yeah...there it is...out for the world...or at least the few people who stumble in here to see.

My fear increases as Hope's enthusiasm for school to begin increases. She can't WAIT. And yes, I've taught her accordingly...she knows about what to do if someone touches her and she doesn't like it...she knows I will do something about it. This morning her excitement has reached fever pitch. She not only isn't listening to me anymore, she simply doesn't hear me. Claire is following her lead. I find myself repeating things over...and over...and over...with no results...ever. See? More invisiblity.

I'm afraid I've let my demons touch the lives of those I care the most about lately. I find myself repeating the same things over and over to adults now as well and I fear I am hurting you by making you think I don't trust you...or making you think I doubt what you have told me. I don't mean to push you away. I don't WANT to push you away. What I've done is gone back into survival mode. In the past that meant dealing with everything by myself...and it meant pushing people away before they could push me away. I pray that I can embrace this change and stop hurting those that mean the most to me before I lose y'all.

So what am I grieving? I suppose everything that I've ever lost...relationships...dreams...people. It's all in there. Some days it's just a dull ache that I can push through. Others, like today? My mind won't stop...and neither will the tears.

Again, I don't tell you this for kudos, or pats on the back. I do it because I have to get it OUT before it destroys me. Check the tagline...Because Blogging Is Cheaper Than Therapy. The aforementioned friend also shared a song with me that has been playing in my head just about non-stop for the last two weeks. I've spent many a very early morning lying in bed "listening" to it in my head. The lyrics can be found below...and the song can be found on my playlist at the bottom of the page.

Another pretty special friend recently compared me to a chrysalis...likening "New Mel" to the caterpillar who thought her life was over...when in fact...it was only changing into something more unbelievable, more intense, more beautiful than she could ever imagine. I am holding fast to that my friends. I am holding fast to becoming...Mel.

Be blessed y'all,

If Today Was Your Last Day
Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?
What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past?
Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories?
Would you forgive your enemies?
And would you find that one you're dreaming of
Swear up and down to God above
That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

© ARM YOUR DILLO PUBLISHING INC; WARNER-TAMERLANE PUBLISHING CORP;

4 comments:

Twinks said...

<3 you. always have, always will.

mrstalkstoomuch said...

I think society does a really good job teaching us women how to put the masks of each role we take on very effectively but there is an abysmal job of teaching us how to hold onto what is underneath. I know it hurts being faced with this many years of repressed emotion, just remember 3 things - 1)You are stronger than you think, 2) You are never going to have this backlog to deal with again, make it THROUGH this and the worst is over and 3)I (and a lot of other people) love you. None of this happened overnight and it's not going to get fixed overnight. Allow yourself to take the time you need to get to where you need to be. And don't forget in all your being strong that it's ok to lean on your friends when you need to - that's what we are here for.

Beautiful Creation said...

The Lord has blessed me many times through the words of Joyce Meyer. I am wishing you well that you may find peace and happiness.
Isaiah 40:31 Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles....
One more thing...I found this quote just the other day and it is one of my new favorites:
Our God has not promised smooth sailing...Just a safe landing. Please take comfort in the promise of a safe landing.
Take care!

Carolina said...

Oh Mel, I'm so sorry that you feel sooooo lousy. Mrstalkstoomuch wrote a wonderful comment I think. So true.
I really truly love and admire you Mel. Weird, as I hardly know you, but I feel I've known you for a long time. Your wonderful writing does that!
You know when you think about your friends and a warm feeling fills your heart? Your one of those little stoves that warms my heart Mel. If I could I'd send Biggles over to you to cheer you up. He is the best dog to do that! But I have to be selfish and keep him here. Sorry ;-) Perhaps you could do with a Biggles of your own. Although you probably don't need another creature to take care of. You have to take care of yourself. Take some deep breaths sweet Mel.

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