Tuesday, May 19, 2009

ABC Wednesday---Are Those REAL?

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

Yes...I'm a wife. Yes...I'm a mother. And most weeks I tend to center my posts around those two sides of Mel. But, like all of you Mel is a multi-faceted person and some days I just need to blow off some steam...you know...let loose with just a tad of sarcasm. Yeah, I know...who knew...Mel...sarcastic.

Sooo...let's talk about shopping. I haven't been shopping for myself, by myself in a very long time. And that is by nobody's choice but my own. Garry and I have always done everything together, including shop. When we were waiting (and waiting...and waiting) for our girls, we did plenty of shopping...for them. I didn't feel the need for anything new for me. I just wanted my kids. When I needed clothes we'd head for Old Navy and I'd buy four or five shirts of the same style in different colors with matching tanks, and a couple of pairs of jeans. You can find me in my uniform any day of the week...t-shirt or maybe a henley, over a tank, and a pair of jeans.

Garry is an extremely patient shopper and has always gone back and forth getting me whatever I needed to try on...and I've done the same for him. About a year ago during a trip to Kohl's we were walking past the bras and I said, "You know...it's about time to start looking for new ones of those too." He got this pasty faced, deer in the headlights look and mumbled, "I was afraid of that." I looked over at him and he actually resembled someone being chased by...oh...brain eating zombies. He said, "How about I just stay home with the girls and give you all the money in my wallet when the time comes?"

I can't really say that I blame him. I mean, I'm a woman...I'm supposed to wear the blasted items of torture...and I hate shopping for them. It doesn't matter what size you are currently wearing...or what style. If you are lucky enough to be able to find either on the rack I guarantee, once you get in the fitting room? They won't fit. Sometimes...even the one I wear INTO the fitting room...doesn't fit. And I'll be darned if I'll go to that...you know...where the certain former British queen is keeping something hush-hush? They have "fitters" there. Are you KIDDING ME? Yeah...I'm going to let some stranger "fit" me...for a bra. I don't really know what that entails? But it sounds like some type of physical contact is required. Umm...no thanks. Conjures up all sorts of thoughts involving cold tape measures, and any one of the sales staff from "Are You Being Served"...telling me it's going to "ride up with wear". So no...you're not going to catch me in there.

Once, when I was in my late teens, I was trying on a pair of jeans in a London shop...whose name escapes me at the moment. The jeans were too small and I was trying to get them off. The extremely helpful shop employee threw open the door of the changing room, much to my horror, and started to yank on the zipper with great vigor. I tried to explain to her (yes, thank the gods above it was a HER...because HE was helping the girl in the room next to me) that the jeans were too small and I was going to try on the larger pair I had brought in with me. She then started to try and peel me out of said too small jeans. Have I mentioned I hate human contact? ::shudder:: I finally got her to leave me to my own devices and bought the jeans. I LOVED those jeans...they were called FU's. Not a single solitary Brit could ever tell me what that actually stood for...but they would always say, "I can tell you what we think it means." Yeah...I'll bet y'all can figure it out too.

Ok...back to bras. A couple of weeks ago Kohl's was having a killer sale and they had sent us an equally murderous gift card trying to entice us to come in and provide our own economic stimulus package. I went online to see if they had anything worth buying. I found some nice shirts...which honestly, I do need for those rare times that I actually leave my house. I mentioned it to Garry...also said maybe I'd look for some bras. He said, "I'll stop at the bank machine on the way home. Have a good time." WOOT! I gave the girls their dinner and as soon as he got home I grabbed the cash, gave the three of them a kiss and disappeared into the night.

I felt positively scandalous! I mean...people...it has been decades since I'd done this. I didn't know how to act. I could listen to my music in the car...and crank it if I wanted to. I didn't have to wait for two other people to go potty or be buckled into carseats or keep reminding them to stop taking your sister's...whatever. It was no different once I got to Kohl's either. I didn't have to keep track of anyone...or hold anyone's hand...or tell anyone to stop touching things. Once I heard a child start to whine and I had to stop myself from telling him/her to stop it! The adrenaline rush was intoxicating.

So I started with shirts. The ones I had found online? They didn't have in my size or the color I liked. But I somehow managed to find at least eight to try on...along with a pair of capris. I fell in love with one of the shirts. The capris fit, so I chose two other colors as well...you know...me and that uniform mentality. Next I wandered over to the Junior's Department. I know...I know...I'm 46 years old. I'm not a Junior anymore. But Mom! Their stuff is so much CUTER! I found another shirt I couldn't live without after trying on four or five more. So...I'm up to two shirts and three pairs of capris. Feeling bolstered by my newfound soon to be purchases I headed for...yep...the bras.
My head started to spin the minute I stepped into Maidenform Territory. Let me just say that I could easily get away without wearing one. I should've probably stayed in the Junior's Department and checked out the trainers. I mean...rows and rows and rows of these ginormous...things. They look like those hideous 18 hour monstrousities...you know...lunch lady bras? You know what I'm talking about...a yarmulke for a two-headed Shrek? ::shudder:: Of course I'm drawn to the cute little black numbers with the green polka dots, which as we know, look simply fabulous under a white tank and t-shirt. Practicality strikes again. So I start to meander the rows and start plucking the fruits from the Underwire Tree. I had about six of the things in my hot little mitts when something drew me to the Wonderbra display. Pondering just how wondrous these bras might be I fumbled through the rack until I found one that I perceived just might fit and headed off for the changing room.

None of the blasted things fit...what a surprise! I was tired...it was getting late...I had about thirty minutes before the store was closing. I attempted to get the aforementioned ill fitting bras back onto their hangers. And by the way, what sadistic (male) human came up with HANGERS for BRAS? I had just gotten the last one hooked onto the hanger when I noticed something. There sat the lonely little Wonderbra...batting it's big old Bambi eyes at me and whispering, "But you haven't tried ME on yet. C'mon...I'm wondrous...you'll see!" I heaved a dejected sigh...pulled it from it's hanger...muttered to myself something to the effect that, "I don't know why I'm doing this...you're not going to fit either."

And then...something wondrous happened. It fit. Not only did it fit? But it, well...it did what Wonderbras say they are going to do. I kid you not. I said out loud, "OMG! I've got ____!" Ok, so technically I didn't say OMG...I said the words that those letters stand for. And I didn't say ____! I spewed forth a mildly derogatory word referring to that portion of a woman's anatomy. It starts with "t". I think you can figure it out. If you can't, email me. I will come to your house and hit you in the head with a ball peen hammer. I was fascinated...amazed...and thrilled. I think I may even have heard a chorus of angels. The next thing out of my mouth was, "I've got a rack!" There's another r word for this post. Hastily changing back into my clothes I grabbed the much coveted prize and shot back out to the display. I managed to find one more in my size! Success!

Clinging to my purchases like a woman possessed I made a sprint for the shoe department and managed to try on a dozen pairs, grab a pair of sandals, and dash for the checkout with ten minutes left before closing. The clerk immediately picked up The Bra Of Wonder and said, "You know...I think it's time I got one of these too. I just wish they made them for your butt." We chortled. Ah...female bonding over the fact that she gets to go home soon and I've found a bra that fits and gives the illusion that I'm stacked.

I sped home, eager to share my newfound rack with Garry. He was indeed impressed. The first thing out of his mouth? "Do NOT take pictures and post them on the internet! Now you look even younger and perkier." OOOOO! People! First off, y'all know how I LOVE to have my picture taken...so that's moot. But hey! I look younger...and p-e-r-k-i-e-r! Yeah baby!!!!

The title for this post comes from Claire. My precious three year old has had a thing for my chest since Garry handed her to me for the first time. She has always loved to yank the collar of whatever I'm wearing out a good six to ten inches and stick her head down in there. The first time I held her wearing the now beloved Wonderbra? She did her usual...pulled the neckline of my shirt out as far as it would go, popped her little head down there and said, in possibly the most amazed and confused inflection I've ever heard, "Mama! What DAT?!"

"Dat", or more accurately, "Doze" my girl, are something your mama has been wanting for 46 years.

And this picture? Yeah...the bras of wonder really are THAT good. Google "wonderbra ads" sometime. You'll see a lot more than what I felt comfortable posting here!
Wonderbras...they're a good thing. Nothing but love for y'all,


Life with Kaishon said...

I think I need to get one. Immediately : ). Thanks for this great tip!

jay said...

Hahaha! That was a very funny post! LOL!

I've gone the route of getting fitted for a bra. You do usually end up with something that fits, I'll say that, but now I know how to measure me properly, I can do it myself, thanks. The trick is to measure yourself just under the bust and work from there. There's a formula where you take that measurement and the measurement around the largest part of your bust and do maths, but I've forgotten it.

I know how good it makes you feel to walk out with a good bra though. I did that recently and came out of the very first shop with TWO bras that fit most excellently! I'm sure I arrived at the checkout with a grin a mile wide!

Tumblewords: said...

Laughing! Great post - really!

Janie said...

Funny shopping trip description! Love the bra tips. I hate shopping for them, too!

Q said...

Thank you for such a funny post.
ABC Wednesdays are my favorite. I need a few good bras...

pictureeachday said...

hehe, that was hilarious! Congrats on your excellent purchase!

I had the bra fitting done once, but unlike Jay's experience, she didn't measure UNDER, and she only took one measurement. She put the tape measure around my back and then up and over, and immediately declared my size. I'm still very confused about how it worked. The size she gave me was right though, so I guess she knew what she was doing..

Kohl's SERIOUSLY has an awesome juniors department! It is still my first stop when I need something in particular :)

PS My toe nail polish changes color in the sun! :D

Mel said...

Life with Kaishon---run...don't delay...you won't be sorry! ")

Jay---yes ma'am...I haven't STOPPED smiling! And I love your new hair color/colors by the way!

Tumblewords---happy to have been of service!

Janie---I think it's a universal feeling...I don't know any woman that likes shopping for them!

Sherry---try the wonderbras...honestly...they are...well...wonderful!

ped---I'll meet you in the Junior's Department of Kohl's...I need some new shorts. Your toenail polish changes color in the sun! NO FREAKING WAY! Where can I get some!?

I don't know how far back you've read but I have a thing for toenail polish...take a look: http://ourjourneycontinues.blogspot.com/2008/10/welllll.html#comments

Megan Mary said...

I actually just got home from Kohl's for the very same reason! And let me just say that it sucks for those of us who ARE stacked... and don't want to wear flesh-coloured granny bras covered in flowers. Kohl's has a brand called "Lillyette" that makes AWESOME push-ups, in case you ever get sick of paying an arm and a leg for the wonderbras ;)

Mel said...

Megs---The wonderbras were on sale, dirt cheap. But I will DEFINITELY check out the Lillyette models. Thanks!

pictureeachday said...

I got it at a store called Del Sol, in the mall one time when I was in New Orleans. I am pretty sure it's a chain, but I'm NOT sure if they're still in business. They also had t-shirts and hats and stuff that change in the sun, but I thought the nail polish was the coolest :D

I took a picture of my toes in the sun this weekend for you - I'll post it soon!

pictureeachday said...


Mel said...

ped...WOOT! I know what I'm going to be doing later today. Can't wait to see the picture! Thanks!

Carolina said...

Woohooo!!!!! Hehehehe. I want a Wonderbra. Although I have t..s to speak of (not that they are HUGE, thank goodness), so technically I probably don't need them to create the illusion of a rack, but hey...if it makes me look younger and perkier ;-) I'm always up for that.
We are soooo alike. Jeans and shirts. Same shirt, different colours.
I have to go bra shopping too. Some day. In the near future. Help!

Mel said...

Carolina---I wish you lived closer! We could brave the Scary Bra Jungle together. Imagine the giggles!

Mel said...

Sigh, awesome Mel! But kinda sad, I mean, even "when" I hit my goal, I would never be able to shop in a Junior Dept...lol. This does however totally exemplify how I feel about bra shopping....there is no such bra thats my size...I'm a bigger girl and apparently plus size girls do not EVER have A or even to a lesser extent B cups WTH LOL.. ah well, by August 2010 its not going to matter! WOOT!
<3 Ya Mel, and indeed you do rock my world :P

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