Friday, October 16, 2009

Changes

Yeah...so...

The last few days have sent me back into the pit. No, not all the way back to the bottom thank God. Let's just say I tumbled over the edge, slammed against a few sharp boulders along the way and landed on my face a good 50 feet from the surface.

What brought about this delightful little detour? I would hazard to guess that it's a combination of a lot of little things. I've been going full throttle for the last couple of weeks. I'd reached that stage in the grief articles where you are looking forward to life again...feel the need to clean out, start over, organize your life. Mel being Mel, I only have one speed...Mach 20. Fueled by the EXTREME high of a clear head for the first time in months I was the very vision of a white tornado. Rooms that hadn't been cleaned in ages sparkled. It was suddenly no longer taking your life in your hands to open the door to the pantry. The magazines being shoved under the couch since 2007 are no more. I cannot tell you how liberating it was to clean out and organize all of my drawers and in the process throw away two garbage bags full of clothes, and donate another two shopping bags full. I am no longer that person. I don't want to wear her clothes.

I had started on the closet when the bottom fell out. I didn't even want to take my bath last Friday. I felt like crap. I spent my entire Saturday in bed. It was torturous. The sun was shining...it was most probably the last nice day we'll see until spring. Well great...now I'm crying...this just sucks. Sunday? Back to my normal (yeah, whatever that is) self. Up, dressed, sorted laundry, took the girls shopping for their Halloween costumes, had lunch with the fam at Rockne's, even managed to sneak in a walk, albeit a chilly one. Right before bed, the blues returned. Folks, I don't get the Sunday night blues. I haven't since I quit my teaching job, but let me tell you, that's what I had.

This week has progressed and my mood has darkened. Yesterday? On three separate occasions I found myself sequestered in an out of the way, quiet room in my house sobbing...projectile tears...body shaking...gut wrenching...sobs.

Besides being sick and exhausted the girls are doing the holiday thing. You know...every year Hope becomes a loon around no matter WHAT holiday it is and Claire has learned by example. Speaking of examples, Hope's picked up some FABULOUS new things at school. I don't know how many times in the last week she's told me I have a big butt. Let's see...I've also heard that I'm the oldest one in the family (the truth hurts), I have a giant belly, and boy I sure am fat. Swell. And no, she has not heard these things from anyone inside this house because if her Daddy said those kinds of things to me or anyone else Mama would already be in prison for teaching Daddy some manners the hard way.

The sorrow of yesterday is today's anger. I woke up on simmer and it boiled over about an hour ago. I am well and truly pissed at everyone and everything. Today? Without exaggerating? The girls haven't listened to a single thing I've told them. Not once. Mama Vesuvius erupted after lunch when she walked into the girls' bathroom and found...puddles...all over the vanity. I asked why there was water all over the vanity...I thought that was a logical question. Claire chimed in with, "I no do it! Hopie do it!" Sooo...I say, "Hopie? Why is water all over the vanity?" No answer and she was closer to me than Claire. I repeated myself for the third time. She said, "What did you say?" At this point there was actual steam coming out of my ears. I repeated myself a fourth time and was told that she did it because she wanted to and just to see what would happen. The top of my head is getting ready to blow off. Then while I'm ranting at her about the mess she's made she puts her hand to her mouth, blows one of those delightful little fart noises, and laughs herself senseless. Yeah...the explosion was felt three states away. I'm not going to win any Parent Of The Year Awards today.

I think something else that is bothering me has to do with the fact that it will soon be my dad's birthday. He would've been 86 this year. Wow. For those of you that don't know the story:

When I was a sophomore in college, my mother and I had gone into town to do some shopping. When we returned home she looked out the window and said, "Why is your dad laying in the backyard?" This really wasn't an unusual question as I have pictures of Dad sleeping just about anywhere...even in an upturned wheelbarrow. I said, "I don't know, he's probably sleeping." She said, "But the ground is so cold..." I ran out the door like a shot, called to him the entire time I ran through the backyard. When I finally reached him he wasn't breathing and his lips were blue. I started CPR. My mother came up behind me and said, "Should I call an ambulance?" I told her yes. She was frozen in shock. I got up, ran back to the house, called for an ambulance, ran back outside and started CPR again until it arrived. He was pronounced dead at the hospital...massive coronary. He was 58...I was 19.

Losing a parent at any age is hard but somehow I think the younger you are the worse it is. You carry that with you every single day for the rest of your life. I can still tell you that his mouth tasted like cigarettes. Want to bet if I took up smoking after that? I could taste what he had eaten for lunch...and I can't even think about eating said item. I won't share it with you. I don't want to ruin something that you might enjoy by attaching it to someone's death. I have a tremendous amount of anger towards my father for basically leaving me in charge. I became the "mother" that day. My mother is NOT helpless, but will portray that role with relish. There were many things she refused to do that she could've done. I want to be able to say that's done and over with. I want the hurt and anger and the just plain I am SO PISSED OFF feelings to go away. I don't want to hate my Dad because he died.

Add to this the ever present, ever fluctuating hormones and OH what a great life I'm having. I have learned through all of this that feelings LIE. And those frickin' little hormones get in there and poke at those lying feelings with sharp pointed sticks. I have become very good at realizing when the hormones are trying to take control. I try very hard NOT to listen to them. I refuse to make any type of important decision until they stabilize, and when they are as bad as they have been this week? I pull back from anyone I care about...WAY back. My life doesn't suck but that's what my feelings are telling me today. They are telling me that:

1. You suck as a parent. You NEVER should've dragged those children 1/2 way around the world to be exposed to you.
2. You suck as a person. You don't have a CLUE as to what you want to do with your life. You're 46 years old for crying out loud! You have no talent and by the way? You're stupid too.
3. You suck as a friend. Seriously. No wonder nobody likes you.
4. You're old...and you look it. You're trying too hard you know.
5. That thing you've been fighting God about for the last 6 months? Yeah, you're going to lose that too.
6. Need I go on?

Again folks, I KNOW this isn't the truth...ok, so today I PRAY it isn't the truth. I KNOW things are going to get better. I know I can get through this...this is nothing compared to what it was just a few months ago. But right now all I can feel is the hurt and the anger and the frustration.

What helps?

1. Being self aware for one. I know what's happening, I know I'll get through it.
2. Being determined to get through it and back on the course I've plotted for New Mel.
3. Dark humor. Honestly, when I'm like this, the darker the better. I took the girls to Target this morning. As we were passing the DVD's I noticed one called, "Drag Me To Hell". The very first thought that popped into my deranged mind? "No need. I'm already there." It made me laugh people. I needed it.
4. Music? Always. I've mentioned 3 Doors Down before and how perfectly their songs fit my life at this point in time. I'll close with one that seems frighteningly appropriate to this psychotic rant.

Until next time y'all,


Changes
Matthew Darrick Roberts; Robert Todd Harrell; Christopher Le Henderson; Brad Arnold


I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me 'cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone (and I believe)
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me 'cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

But I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
And I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

Changes can be found on my playlist at the bottom of the page.

5 comments:

sedgwilla said...

I love you, Sister Mama, and I'm sorry you have these bouts. Just know that they're normal for people who think a lot. You probably think too much, even, but there's no changing that.

Shall I sing the "Facts of Life" theme song to you? ;)

Mel said...

And that, my precious wahine, is why you are Lifetime Pass Holder 001 of 003. I love you too...I always have.

Oh, and seeing as how I've been waiting at least 10 years to hear you sing, yes, I'd even listen to you sing "Facts of Life".

Carolina said...

Gosh Mel, I'm torn between feeling sorry for you and laughing out loud. Because you are a GREAT WRITER and I love your dark humour. Hang in there. I'm glad you KNOW you don't suck AT ALL!

Love you ;-)

Mel said...

Oh Carolina...don't feel sorry for me. I'm just so glad you have decided that I'm not a serial killer...oh wait...did you decide that yet? P.S. I don't like piano tuners either.

Carolina said...

I'm almost convinced you're not a serial killer. But one can never be sure :-)

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