Random thoughts zooming around my brain...

Last time, the wait was easier. Why? Because I had no clue about rumor sites, or DTC groups, or anything like that! LOL Honestly, it was sooooo much easier not knowing a blessed thing until the day the phone rang out of the blue with Hope's referral. And me being me, I can't police myself well enough to stay away from those sites! I'm weak...so very weak...

Now, waiting and waiting and waiting for the phone to ring...THIS is the first time I can actually say the wait has been easier because Hope is here. When she snuggled up to me today and gave me a big hug and a kiss...well y'all...there's just not anything much better than that.

Ok, NOW I'm freaking out.

We have YET to be called and at least one member of our group was called almost two hours ago. Is something wrong? Garry is on his way to the agency right now to see what's going on. I don't mind telling you I've had enough AND I WANT TO SEE MY BABY!!!!!

Here is every single thing I know about her so far. This information comes from Zhou:

We got referrals for Sept.5 LID families too. They are from Chongqing area. Two babies from Fengdu, 5 from Qianjiang. Beautiful babies and they are young too.

THANK YOU to Cheri who let me know that that info had been posted.

Still waiting...

Still nothing...

And Sandy...I'm not going to call and ask! ")

Let me clarify my emotions for y'all if I can...I am NOT sad. I am not even close to sad! After 23 full months of angst and false starts and disappointments I am about as far away from sad as I can get! My emotions are all over the place, but they are all positive!

I am also having a few little nagging doubts...you know...everyone else got their referrals but we didn't get ours...or our LID has changed yet again. Those kinds of things...

Someone from the agency will call when the referrals are ready to be picked up...and not before! For me, I really don't think it would help knowing that they were there and I couldn't do anything about it! LOL

Cheri, thanks for the sweet, sweet comments about our family in your blog. I know the torture you are going through...waiting and watching each and every month only to be met with disappointment. Your turn will come and I pray that it comes VERY SOON! Once you are holding *your* precious Hope in your arms, you will know just why you had to wait so long. You still won't *LIKE* that you had to wait so long, but you'll understand! ")

I can't focus...I can't complete simple tasks...I can't stop crying...

Still no call...

I decided to write in the journal I've been keeping for Claire. That started the tears flowing. THEN I opened Hope's journal and read what I had written to her at the same point in our journey to her. Now I REALLY can't stop crying.

Losing what little mind I have left...

More disjointed ramblings from a waiting parent...

I am beyond insane...simply beyond it...and not in a GOOD way! On a happy, well, maybe not...maybe INTERESTING note, the last referral cutoff was August 9th, 2005. That was the date that our dossier was sent to China.

I have come to rely on the rumors now. Whereas before I found them irritating, now as we get closer and closer I find them NECESSARY to get through the day. The latest are certainly interesting. Supposedly referrals are coming out next week and the cutoff will be August 23-24, 2005. Remember our first LID? AUGUST 25, 2005. There is also a new one saying that all of us with messed up LID's will be taken in the order that our files were RECEIVED and not logged in. Hey, it's a long shot but at least it's positive. Either way I'd like to think that if we aren't included in this batch that they could include BOTH of our LID's in next month's group.

We are more than ready to be finished, done, completed, through etc. with THE AGENCY. I don't want to go into a long diatribe about this agency...there are many, MANY satisfied current and former clients... but after almost two years in the program this time, we've just seen, heard, and witnessed too many things that shouldn't be going on. First and foremost is the "cloak and dagger" attitude. Client "A" calls agency Contact "1", asks a question, gets a response. Client "B" calls agency Contact "2", asks the same question, gets a DIFFERENT response. Client "C" calls agency Contact "3", asks the same question, gets yet another response. Client "A" calls agency Contact "1" again to find out what's going on and is told yet a fourth different response. You get the idea...and it usually all happens within the same day. Other agencies post helpful hints on the wait etc. on their websites...they post any information they have about when referrals are coming/updates on the wait etc. We get the "It's a secret and don't tell anyone I told you..." treatment. No, wait, to be fair, that was what we got when we were waiting for Hope. This time it's all been, "Don't get your hopes up. Don't believe the rumors." And my personal favorite for which I may just go postal, "Once you have that baby in your arms all of this will be forgotten!" Ummm...right...you really do think I'm *that* stupid.

It looks like our Holy Grail I171-H is going to expire before we have our consulate appointment in Guangzhou. So here we go again! Dena, our social worker is updating our homestudy. Garry filled out another I600-A last night and wrote the check. We need certified copies of our birth certificates (again) and our marriage certificate (again). Total cost to re-do this stuff...around $700. Again, I am beyond insane. I'm not even nice anymore...if I ever was to begin with!

Our family recently came through a real test. Our lives were filled with anger, sadness, and fear. God brought us out of it with peace and light and hope. I know if I can just put this STUFF with the agency in proper perspective, He will certainly bring us through this as well. I also know that I want my baby.

Baby number one is an amazing creature. She started preschool last month with a flourish. I cried of course. Daddy had an upset stomach. Hopie ran off into her classroom without so much as a wave over her shoulder! LOL She can't wait to get there, she loves her teachers, she talks about all of the children every day...and this week the bottom has completely fallen out. On Tuesday she screamed bloody murder that she wasn't going and I barely got her there. Today was better but she tizzed out once we got there. I'll be darned if I know what's going on. I've talked to her teacher...and Garry and I have both talked to Hopie. We're at a loss right now to help our precious angel. The only thing Garry and I can think of is she went absolutely, completely insane last October too. Maybe it's cyclical for her! Let's just pray that Claire's month to go nuts is different from her sister's!

Oh! My weight! You remember I was hoping to lose 10 pounds before Hope started school. I didn't, but I was halfway there! I continue to work on it and am doing well. My clothes already look and FEEL a lot better. Still nothing drastic...I'm aiming to get to the low 130's and maintain. Garry is going great guns! He weighed himself this morning and has lost 11 pounds! Does my husband rock or what? ")

Claire's room looks like it is ready for her! (Just don't open the closet!) It gets cleaned just like the other rooms do now but I can't bear to go in there to organize clothes or toys yet...not until I know what her little face looks like.

And so that's where we are! Don't get me wrong, we have more positive up days than not...today is just a very down day. God will do what He does best and I just have to let Him do it!

Blessings y'all!

For anyone out there waiting for your referral...or your TA...or anyone else who may need it. Read and enjoy. (Thank you Ruth!)


Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says:"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered,"Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you. Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them. And, whatever they're going through,they'll be a better person in the end.

"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once."

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know...where in the heck have I been? Enjoy the following updates/rantings!

Disney World was wonderful. Hope was absolutely amazing. She basically rolled with the punches and enjoyed herself and her first vacation to the fullest. The last couple of days were kind of dicey as she was years beyond tired, but other than that she was a trouper. The kid is a character magnet. I've never seen that many characters in my entire LIFETIME of trips to Disney parks, let alone one single trip. Let's just say we have well over 300 pictures to commemorate Hope's First Trip To Disney World. In retrospect, the timing of the trip might have been tweaked a little. It was rough getting back just in time to prepare for the holidays. But...we wouldn't have gotten to experience all the neat Christmas-y things at Disney World! Will we do it again? Of course! Soon? I'm thinking no.

Did someone mention the holidays? I know I have quite a few people upset with me because I've been EXCEPTIONALLY quiet. To which I can only say I'm sorry...but get used to it! ") Seriously, I cut out SO many extra things this year hoping to evade the usual mind/body/soul numbing sickness that inevitably descends upon me after the whirlwind of holiday activity stops. I did better...I truly did! I had time to actually ENJOY a portion of the season myself! However, the past week was spent in a haze of hacking, Vicks, Tylenol, Puffs Plus tissues, and late, late, LATE night television. It is only in the last two days that I've actually become interested in personal hygiene again! LOL Garry had it over Christmas...Hope was New Year's...Mama was last week. This is NOT a legacy I want to pass on to my girls. I do not want them to labor over creating the enigmatic PERFECT holiday for everyone else only to miss it for themselves and end up sick as a dog afterwards. So, be forewarned...if I have to cut more computer time...I will! ")

Quite a few folks have been commenting on Hope's size lately. The comments run the gamut from, "She's just not growing is she?" to "Wow! She's so big!" It occurred to me that most of these comments are coming from people who only see her in pictures. I can see where that would be confusing! She was weighed and measured at her pediatricians' office last month. At that time she weighed 25 pounds and was 35 inches tall. So folks, she's still shorter than a yardstick. Her doctors assure us every single time we see them that she is growing normally and there is nothing to worry about. This, dear friends, is all I care about. To put it in perspective she is wearing anywhere from 18-24 month size clothes with a couple of 2T's thrown in for good measure...but she still has some 12 month stuff that fits! She's tiny...but in her doctor's words, "She's in perfect proportion." Well duh!

So, what's the news on Claire? There isn't any. Ok, other than we bought her a carseat and a bathseat a few months ago!

Recently I gave up reading all of my Yahoo groups...save one...I'm cutting down on computer time you know! ; ) I was thrilled to read a post from someone who said they actually CRINGE when someone asks them about the status of their adoption. Another waiting family added that they wanted to place a tattoo on their foreheads stating, "We don't know anything!" This is how we feel my friends. I know that I haven't posted any news in quite awhile so I can more than understand why many of you have started to ask questions again. In an attempt to answer as many as possible in one fell swoop I included a "fact sheet" with our Christmas cards. In that sheet I stated that we more than likely wouldn't know anything until the end of February. Today is January 8th, and I'm not even going to tell you how many people who received that fact sheet have asked us if we've heard anything. I know, I know, I KNOW that these people care for us and simply want to let us know that they care. I am begging everyone to find another way! LOL This time is not a joyous one for us. It is not something to look forward to. It is arduous, grueling, and gut wrenching and frankly, I spend most of my time trying not to think about it.

We had folks asking us way back in July, before the papers even went to China, if Claire's room was ready. Umm...no? We prepared Hope's room about two months before she joined our family. As far as I'm concerned THAT was too early. The only reason we "hurried" on that one was because we wanted the cats to get used to the new sights and smells before she came in and disrupted their perfect little furry lives! On a practical note, it's a room that's not being used but still gets dirty! I don't want or need another room to clean. On an emotional note I remember going into Hope's room before she arrived and SOBBING into her little clothes that were hanging in the closet. Friends, this process is not like a pregnancy...and frankly I may kill the next person who tells me that it is. When a woman is pregnant, does she wonder if her baby is warm enough; if she is getting enough to eat; if she is receiving adequate medical care; if she's been born yet; and most importantly...when you are pregnant do you have to wonder WHERE your baby is?

We are not keeping any information from you. We don't HAVE any information to keep from you. The last little bit of info I read on the web stated that those with LID's (log in dates) in April had been matched. If that is true then it really doesn't bode well for those of us with LID's in August being matched by the end of February. Now...Garry and I can be as gracious as the next person but we are truly going to mame the next person who reminds us for the 3 millionth time that Chinese New Year is at the end of January and will probably slow the process down even more so.

Folks...the entire process to bring us to Hope took 20 full months. MANY of those months were spent with even less information than what I've provided for you here. We have just reached our 12th month in the process for Claire. Obviously God knew it was going to take 20 months for our perfect, precious Hope to be ready to join our family. He and He alone knows when Claire's time will come too.

Ok...did I make my point? ") Believe me, NO ONE is more interested in receiving news about Claire than WE ARE! You won't be able to keep us silent once we do! Thanks to all of you for reading my rantings...this will be the first place to look for news! You know I don't like the telephone! ")