Monday, August 18, 2008

First of all, no more apologizing for not posting as often as I would like. I found a WONDERFUL little philosophy today called "Blogging Without Obligation". You should really check it out. The guilt and stress that have been hanging around me concerning Our Journey Continues...and the thoughts of possibly just deleting it...have lifted.

Secondly, as most mothers experience with their firstborn, I am having a tough time dealing with the fact that Hope will be starting school in less than two weeks. Yes, she's done two years of preschool, but THIS is different. Just ask her. THIS is BIG KID SCHOOL.

This is where I have to walk my precious angel to that giant child eating yellow monster each and every morning and watch it devour her and then race off...with her inside...where I can't see her...or hear her...or smell her...or touch her. This child of mine...who I waited and trusted God for...for 41 years. This child that I had to jump through enough hoops to satisfy The U.S. Government...The State of Ohio...and The People's Republic of China. This child that was handed over and entrusted to MY care and now I'm just supposed to let her go.

My issues have issues where school is concerned. They've been in there festering since I was just a little older than Hope. So what did I do? Yeah, I became a teacher. What an ironic moron I am. And seriously? The next person that tells me that this is a HAPPY occasion? It's not going to be pretty. Ok? As I told a friend of mine several months ago, "This is NOT a happy occasion. This is sending my baby into a pool of sharks and I'm not there with a baseball bat to protect her."

I guess I'm doing a pretty good job of hiding it from Hopie though. She's thrilled beyond belief that she has SCHOOL SUPPLIES and we went BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING and she gets to RIDE THE BUS. ::sigh:: She's basically doing the Snoopy Dance and can't wait to skip down the halls. God bless her. She LOVED Safety Town and I was beyond thrilled that they loaded all the kids on a school bus and took them for a ride. It did a lot to ease my fears for her first day...and I know she was apprehensive about it as well. Her mouth goes non-stop when she's worried about something...even though she NEVER says anything about what she's worried about. The last few weeks have been non-stop Ariel and all things The Little Mermaid. It's how she deals. She's going to be fine...she's going to be fine...she's going to be fine...

So I play headgames with myself. Once she gets on the bus I can go for a walk with Claire. There is just something so calming to me about taking a walk...especially in the fall. I LOVED doing it with I'll have a chance to share it with Claire. I tell myself, "she's only going to be gone for the morning...she'll be home in time for lunch." I imagine I'll be outside waiting for the bus long before it's due. And yes, I know millions of other mothers have gone through this and will continue to go through this...and they've all survived. As you may have guessed or learned for yourself...I ain't one of those Mama's.

As God tends to do...whether I want Him to or not...because He knows I'd rather just sit and worry and sulk...He sent me an incredible gift today. After I had finished reading Claire her story before nap she jabbed her little finger into my chest. This isn't new. She does this when she wants me to sing to her. It started when Garry would hold her and say, "YOU sing!" and put his finger to her chest. But today, she jabbed me and said something so unbelievable that I had to ask her to repeat it...mostly because she NEVER says anything when she does that...but also because I couldn't believe what she said and how clearly it came out. She said, "Bay My". For those of you who don't speak Claire that is "Baby Mine". That is the song that I chose for her lullaby long before she was even born...the song I recorded for Garry to play to her when I couldn't be with her in China...the song that I sang to her in the airport when she didn't know me from Adam...the song that as soon as she heard me sing it, turned her little head my way, reached out and touched my face...the song that when she now hears it on any CD will say, "Mama sing?" So yeah...that was a gift...and maybe...just's going to be ok.

Care to listen to Baby Mine? Allison Krauss' version can be heard on the music player at the bottom of the page.

1 comment:

Carol said...

Ah....Mel. Mel. Mel. How dear your heart is. I can only tell you that when I put my Jeffrey on that kindergarten bus way-back-when (and he was my only child at that point) my heart broke into a bazillion pieces, and I cried all the way to the bank in my former neighborhood, to be met by a fellow mommy teller who came around the teller window, gave me a kleenex, a hug, and a sucker, and assured me he (and I) would be fine. Praise God that you have Claire. You WILL be fine. Now it's HER alone time with her Mama!


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