Looking Forward

One GIANT component of pulling myself up and out of the pit has been not only looking forward to a place where I no longer felt the way I did, but also having things to look forward to, just to get me through each day.

One of the articles I read about grief stated that you should surround yourself with things that comfort you. Again, folks? This is what worked for me. I'm not saying that ANY of what I did will work for you or anyone else you know. Find something that you think will work for you and run with it. If it doesn't work, try something else. Keep trying until you find YOUR peace.

1) Ice Cream---I dropped quite a few pounds during my time in the black hole. Yes, I hit my danger weight and I went below it. But I was also continuing to exercise every day and I wasn't showing any physical signs (or mental for that matter) of the return of my eating disorder. Stress, sadness, depression...yeah...you're gonna lose some weight. One afternoon, during Hope's first week of school I took some Ben and Jerry's out onto the patio with me while Claire was napping. It didn't solve anything. I cried before and after I ate it. But it did taste GOOD and I could stand to push a few extra calories so that went into the plus column.

2) Walking---This one was a big one. I continued walking every single day even at my lowest. Everything I said in my previous post about my walks still rings true. I had days where knowing I was going to be able to go for a walk was the only thing that saved me. The endorphin boost gave me enough energy to simply do the dishes, grab a shower, and go to bed. Again, I still felt miserable...I still wanted to crawl into a dark closet and stay there...I still cried constantly...sometimes even DURING my walks...but I made it THROUGH. I'm still walking...and while I'm walking...I'm SMILING...and singing too!

3) Music---Music has always been a great healer for me, but for some reason this time, it brought more hurt than help. There were some songs that I had grown dependent on that I simply couldn't listen to for a very long time. So, again, one afternoon during naptime, I went out to the patio with my laptop and a couple of brand new Rick Springfield CD's. I figured, if that boy couldn't help I might as well give it up. I was right. I reopened my heart to someone who has been writing perfect lyrics for years...and he's still doing it. Once I let him in, a rush of others followed. My MP3 player is now loaded with, of course, my two Steves, RS and 3 Doors Down just to name a few. And yes, some nights when I'm walking? I am singing...loudly...and no...I DON'T care if the people sitting on their front porches or working on their cars or sweeping their driveways hear. I don't even care if they look at me funny. You know what I do? I wave at them. Oh yeah...and I smile! ; )

4) Bed---Yes folks. There was more than one time during this time period when I would look at the clock and say OUT LOUD, "In just 12 more hours I can go back to bed." Sad, yes, but again, something I was looking forward to. I have started going to bed an hour earlier than I used to. Yes...it helped.

5) Grant---For those of you not familiar with "my Grant" you can read that post here. My subconscious decided that I obviously needed a visit from Grant. I haven't had a dream about him well...the last one I remember was shortly after I got married. And yet, here I was, sharing a park bench with him. It was as with all the others...best friends or best siblings. He was trying to make me laugh, and succeeding as always...shoving my shoulder with his, trying to push me off the bench. Me being me? Doing the same thing back. It was WONDERFUL and it lifted my spirits for that entire day. You know...I wonder if he has dreams about some wild haired redhead he's never met that always makes him laugh? Yeah...I'd still love to meet him in person.

6) Sitting On The Bed and Talking To God---God and I have had our ups and downs over the years. I didn't really know Him personally until, I don't know...the late 90's? There have been a lot of trust issues lately. I'm fairly certain He's glad to have me back learning what I've learned about Him. Once Claire is busy doing her thing downstairs in the mornings I head upstairs, sit on the side of the bed, and talk to God. Praying? I suppose, but not in the "conventional" sense of the word. I don't think conventional prayers use the rather colorful language I do. Again, I'd like to think that He's happy I'm turning TO Him at this point, rather than AWAY. Most mornings I cry...yes...still. Today is a day of all out happiness and peace...and I still cried this morning. Obviously, I needed to. I will continue with these morning talks for as long as He'll have me.

7) Trying Something New---For me? This means getting out of the house...by myself. You've read about the road trip. Well, I also had a girls' night out with two friends from high school that I haven't seen for almost 30 years. Yeah, I laughed myself silly that night. THANK YOU Jane and Sherri! One Sunday I meandered around Barnes & Noble by myself, sipping a peppermint hot chocolate and picking up books I'd never even THINK of reading. I bought two of them. I can't say I'd ever buy anything like that again, but I didn't HATE either one of them! HA! This one is an ongoing deal folks...I'll keep you posted.

8) Yeah...you should probably be sitting down if you aren't. And you might want to read this post if you haven't already. In that post I had said that I was done with piercings. Well...not exactly. I got two more twelve weeks ago. Oh stop it...they're all in my ears...I've got nine now. Piercings people...not ears...keep up will you? Also in that post I asked what y'all thought of tattoos.

I've been thinking long and hard about tattoos for many years...I believe that post was dated 2005? I decided long ago I wanted a saying done in Chinese characters. A couple of years ago I came up with a great idea and then chickened out. Several months ago I found a young lady online who will translate your great idea into Chinese specifically for a tattoo. Again...filed it away.

After the henna tattoo was gone...I missed it...and it had only been around for a week! The more I thought about it, the more I knew I was ready. I contacted Kathy at Chinese-Tattoos.com. After several days of working together, she told me that the idea I had really didn't translate, it was too specific, and to do it justice it would take a ridiculously long string of characters not suitable for a tattoo. She offered to refund my money as she was out of ideas. I told her to give me a few days...let me think about it...let me look around at her site which holds a WEALTH of ideas. I decided to do what I had basically done when I chose Hope and Claire's middle names. I was going to choose three characteristics that I want to display in my life...Mel's life...this Mel that I am becoming. I chose the characters, asked Kathy if I chose the correct ones...I was ok on two of them, she corrected my third. I chose font, size, placement etc. It took about two weeks via email to come up with what I was looking for. And she is an angel...I have NO problems recommending Kathy to ANYONE who would be interested in her services. She is AWESOME! Once it was finished, she emailed me the design in PDF format. I took it downtown, got a price, and an appointment for the next day.

Did it hurt? Not really. Would I do it again. In a heartbeat. These pictures were taken about a week afterwards. The ink has since gotten a lot brighter. Are y'all ok? Do you need to excuse yourselves for a bit? Get a glass of water? Dang...that Mel's gone middle age crazy or something...

So what traits did I choose? Reading vertically from left to right the characters read: courage, passion, balance.
And no...Mel hasn't gone middle age crazy...Mel is just finally learning how to LIVE.
Below is one of my newer theme songs. Yes, if you live in my neighborhood, chances are very good you've heard me belting it out once or twice.

Be blessed y'all...and don't forget to SMILE! %^ ]



Be Good To Yourself by Journey
Runnin' out of self-control
Gettin' close to an overload
Up against a no win situation
Shoulder to shoulder, push and shove
I'm hangin' up my boxin' gloves
I'm ready for a long vacation

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
You're walkin' a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself

When you can't give no more
They want it all but you gotta say no
I'm turnin' off the noise that makes me crazy
Lookin' back with no regrets
To forgive is to forget
I want a little piece of mind to turn to

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
You're walkin' a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself
Be good to yourself when, nobody else will

Breaking The Surface---Part Two

Ok! So as you might remember I had a wonderful road trip and everything was solved! Not. That road trip was just what I needed at the time but it solved nothing. By the end of that week I had had at least one day where I found myself prostrate on the floor, trying to pray but the only thing that was finding its way out were sobs of the gut wrenching variety. And yes, those still count as prayers...God knows better than I what those sobs mean. My girls do NOT witness these scenes. They are busy downstairs emptying every single toy box, drawer, storage cube, etc. and having a righteous blast. Once they are busy I go upstairs to my room, sit on the side of the bed, and talk to God. That is when the tears appear. I'll talk more about that topic in a future post.

Before I go on, let me clarify something. I LOVE my children, BOTH of them. I do NOT want to LEAVE my children...or send them back to China...or make them disappear...or any one of several other ridiculous ideas. That is NOT what this is about. This is about Mel. I already know Mama. I'm well acquainted with her. "She" is the way I'm wired. I'm an empath...a nurturer...a Mama. If there's something wrong, I want to help you take care of it. I want to make you feel better. So maybe what this is all about, is turning Mama loose on Mel. Mel needs to figure out, discover, create the person she wants and needs to be.

So the aforementioned friend...the one who talks me down from my ledges? This person allows me to ramble at will via email. Did I mention said friend is sooo going to heaven? Whenever something is bothering me...confusing me...making me smile...pissing me off...I ramble...and send it off. Besides having a "Living Journal" to share all of this with, I've also got a treasure trove of blog entries just waiting for me to cut, paste, and edit.

The following is a portion of a ramble written the Thursday before Hope's first full day of school...which coincidentally was the day God had to decipher those sobs of mine:

"My heart is crushing dealing with the thought of my baby being gone from me all day on Monday. The fear isn’t that she’s not going to come back. The fear is losing a huge chunk of her…she’s going to have 8 hours a day that don’t involve me. She’s going to have an entire life apart from me at age 6…where Mama Bear can’t be there to protect her from the hurt and the fear and the evil. I was snuggled up to her, reading her a story this afternoon and it just smacked me right between the eyes. This “thing” that I’ve been doing…this routine…this reading to her in the afternoons since she was 11 months old…will be over tomorrow. And yes, I’ll still read to her...but it’s just the saying goodbye. Like when she lost her first teeth…they were the same two teeth she had when she was handed to me.

When I finished reading to her I told her I’d miss her on Monday. She’s amazingly strong that kid…GOD I love her. She won’t cry unless something is absolutely killing her. She reached up and wiped away a tear, never admitting that she was crying, and asked, “Mama…I’m going to be gone all day. Are you going to be ok?” Then she did something she’s never done…ever. She crawled over and draped herself over me for a hug. The kid isn’t affectionate…never has been. I held onto her for dear life and let my tears flow for both of us. I told her I’d be fine…I’d miss her but I’d be waiting for her at the bus stop with Claire when she got home. We talked about all the fun things she’s going to experience in first grade. She pulled back…ground another tear away with her fist and said, “But Mama…if I’m gone all day…how am I going to remember you?” That one just about tore my heart out by the roots. I have worked very, VERY hard…maybe too hard…to make my girls strong, and confident, and independent. I worry about leaving them without a mother…again. So we talked about what Mama smells like…and looks like…and sounds like…and dresses like…and how she can think of those things when she’s gone. She sat there for the longest time…her face not two inches from mine…staring into my eyes…trying to decide what color they are so she could remember. Again…I LOVE that kid."

The next installation is from Monday, her first day. I just reread it...and yes, it's only been three weeks, but all the feelings just rose to the surface again. The thing is...now? I'm able to let them rise to the surface, deal with them, and move on. No more denying they exist...no more pushing them back down:

"This day has already kicked my butt. I didn’t sleep last night. I think I saw every 40 minutes from 10:45 until 6:15. Had both girls ready with time to spare…took the first day pictures…put the “Mama loves you” notes in Hope’s lunchbox and her school box. Talked to her about a bunch of stuff and tried my hardest NOT to cry in front of her. She asked me several times again if I was going to be ok without her all day. I did just fine until the bus was pulling away. She was waving up a storm at me…and her mouth was smiling…but her eyes weren’t…her eyes showed fear. And I *KNEW* she was going to be fine once she got to school…but that one just about killed me. Made it until, I don’t know…10:30 until the big tears came. Let Claire watch tv…I went up to my bedroom and let them out. Was in Hope’s bedroom twice before noon…just to “smell” her. Got a few things accomplished that didn’t really keep my mind off of anything. Lunch was killer. Opening the fridge and seeing her milk in there from breakfast this morning…only having to get lunch ready for one…her place empty at the table. Claire upset and telling me we had to go wait for the bus (like we did when Hope was in Kindergarten) before we could have lunch. After lunch…same thing…only one to make sure she brushes her teeth…one story to read…one monitor to bring downstairs. More big tears after that."

And that day just got better...yeah...right. I had Claire up from nap and we were waiting for the bus at least 20 minutes before it was due. It was the first day, I knew it was going to be late. I didn't care. When it finally came up the hill I could exhale again...and let loose of the picture in my mind of me running after the bus, ripping the door from its hinges, and grabbing my frightened child from her seat. The bus stopped, four of the five children who were supposed to get off got off. The door closed and the bus started moving...and Hope was nowhere to be seen. I waved at the driver and mouthed, "Hope?" She stopped, looked behind her, smiled, then got on the radio and got Hope's attention. One thing I had neglected to tell her? Only the Kindergarten bus drops you off at your own house. NOW you have to get on AND off at the bus stop. I breathed another huge sigh of relief, squeezed the breath out of my oldest child, and walked home.

Things went progressively downhill that week. I had at least two days worth of wordless prayer. I don't think I can say it any better than I already have:

"This week bit. Flat out blew…dare I say sucked ass. Fear and anger and depression the likes I’ve never seen…nor do I want to again. At least earlier this month I’d have a moderately up day or just a stasis day in between. Not so this week…one black hole after the other. Hope comes home insane or exhausted or both. The school/teacher sends home things that need to be done immediately with no instructions. I read through everything…look at her website…look at the school’s website. Nothing. So finally I email her and ask her. Nope…nothing is published anywhere…but what a good idea! She gave me the info I needed and then also added, “I don’t know why they don’t send that information out to the first grade parents.” Yeah…me either. This morning Hope was in tears…SHE’S deconstructing now. She was clinging to me…and remember…this is the kid who is NOT affectionate…and crying, “Mama I miss you too much! I’m at school more than I’m at home!” ::sigh::"

After three weeks she still tells me every day that she misses me too much. I miss her too. So does Claire. But we're adjusting. She loves school and all of her teachers. She thinks being able to buy her lunch is beyond awesome. Recess is still tops on her list followed closely by Gym...although she's talked a lot about Music lately too.

Right now I'm working on a winning streak. I've had at least 12 days that I consider GOOD in a row. Not just baseline days either...there have been a lot of them in there that were downright wonderful...filled with sunshine, giggles, and utter silliness. Today I am feeling blue. But that's all it is...just blue. I'm not sad...nor depressed...nor angry. I think it has a great deal to do with the fact that today is the anniversary of 9/11.

Will I plunge again? I don't know. Do any of us know, really, what our emotions are going to do from second to second, let alone day to day? I fully expect to drop, yes. But I'd like to think it won't be as far, or last as long. But again, how can I know? I will continue to deal with each day as it comes. Some go in the win column, some don't. But so far? He's still letting me get up and try it again the next day.

Blessings y'all,