Rockin' 47 Out Loud

OMG! Fess up...who heard me scream when this cake arrived in my kitchen Friday evening?

Earlier in the week Garry had asked me what kind of cake I wanted for my birthday. I told him Buehler's of course. Then I said, "Does Buehler's put pictures on cakes?" He said, "Yes. Why? Do you want a D'Onofrio cake?" Poor man...he still can't get it through his head that the D'Onofrio thing is over. Honestly, I can't either...but I digress...as usual. I scanned a couple of my favorite CD covers and sent him on his way.

I have to admit, I had mixed feelings about it. Yes, I wanted it to be amazingly cool...but I was also secretly wishing it would be wrecktastic. Not familiar with Cake Wrecks? Ohhh...you are in for a treat! Go...look...be appalled...laugh yourself senseless!

I was, however, more than pleasantly surprised...enough to let out at least a dozen or so happy little squeals and then take about 314 pictures of it.

Yes, my birthday was on Friday the 13th. No it doesn't bother me...I look forward to it falling on Friday the 13th. Does this really surprise any of you? ; ) I woke up in such a happy mood. "Landing In London" was playing in my head...the sun was shining...Hope told me that I smell extra good in the mornings...both girls sang Happy Birthday to me...the three of us belted out a mean version of "Don't Stop Believin'" while we were waiting for the bus...I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from my Facebook friends...I got cards! I got presents! I got CAKE!!!!! And not just any cake...a 3 Doors Down cake!

That's right y'all...it's 1...2...3 Doors Down! And lest you forget? Friday night is also Mama's Escape From Reality when I hit the whirlpool tub for a couple of hours. Guess what I ate IN the tub, while I soaked in my black raspberry vanilla bubble bath and listened to my 3 Doors Down CD's? Yep...birthday cake. I think it's the only way I'm going to eat cake from now on. ; )

This tiny Willow Tree box was one of the gifts I received from Garry and the girls. It's titled, "An Embrace of Comfort and Love". That would be me holding my precious Garth on the cover. I've placed his collar, his belled mousie, and his string toy inside. Garth has been gone...wow...has it been five years already? It is amazing to me how there are days when I still miss him so much it hurts. Ok...enough tears...

Hey! Look at THAT would ya! Remember this post? Way back in June I started asking for a new MP3 player for my birthday...green of course. Oh I looooooove this sweet little beauty! She holds almost 200 times more music than what my old coal fired model did. Yes I said TWO HUNDRED times more. Plus she's got more bells and whistles than I know what to do with. I'm starting to get tingly all over just thinking about it.

So yes folks, I had a very good birthday. It's odd...I know...Mel/odd...nothing new. It's interesting...how's that? All through my life I've had different ages that I've looked forward to as holding something extraordinary about them. 27, 30, 33, 41, 47...and that's where it ended. Right off the top of my head? 27; I started my love affair with writing. 30; from what I remember I had one of the best birthdays I've ever had and ended up having one of the best pictures ever taken of me. Yes, I find that monumental...probably because I was by myself and not snuggled up to someone dressed like a very large Disney character...or SpiderMan. Oh...I digressed again...didn't I? 33; the year I gave myself permission to quit teaching. 41; I became a Mama. 47? Well folks, I have no idea. But I do know this is going to be MY year. I am going to rock 47 OUT LOUD.

Oh, and since 47 was the last age I had on my list? I've added another one. 60. Inspired by, of course, Rick Springfield...I look forward to kickin' 60 in the ass.

Nothin' but love for y'all,

Changes

Yeah...so...

The last few days have sent me back into the pit. No, not all the way back to the bottom thank God. Let's just say I tumbled over the edge, slammed against a few sharp boulders along the way and landed on my face a good 50 feet from the surface.

What brought about this delightful little detour? I would hazard to guess that it's a combination of a lot of little things. I've been going full throttle for the last couple of weeks. I'd reached that stage in the grief articles where you are looking forward to life again...feel the need to clean out, start over, organize your life. Mel being Mel, I only have one speed...Mach 20. Fueled by the EXTREME high of a clear head for the first time in months I was the very vision of a white tornado. Rooms that hadn't been cleaned in ages sparkled. It was suddenly no longer taking your life in your hands to open the door to the pantry. The magazines being shoved under the couch since 2007 are no more. I cannot tell you how liberating it was to clean out and organize all of my drawers and in the process throw away two garbage bags full of clothes, and donate another two shopping bags full. I am no longer that person. I don't want to wear her clothes.

I had started on the closet when the bottom fell out. I didn't even want to take my bath last Friday. I felt like crap. I spent my entire Saturday in bed. It was torturous. The sun was shining...it was most probably the last nice day we'll see until spring. Well great...now I'm crying...this just sucks. Sunday? Back to my normal (yeah, whatever that is) self. Up, dressed, sorted laundry, took the girls shopping for their Halloween costumes, had lunch with the fam at Rockne's, even managed to sneak in a walk, albeit a chilly one. Right before bed, the blues returned. Folks, I don't get the Sunday night blues. I haven't since I quit my teaching job, but let me tell you, that's what I had.

This week has progressed and my mood has darkened. Yesterday? On three separate occasions I found myself sequestered in an out of the way, quiet room in my house sobbing...projectile tears...body shaking...gut wrenching...sobs.

Besides being sick and exhausted the girls are doing the holiday thing. You know...every year Hope becomes a loon around no matter WHAT holiday it is and Claire has learned by example. Speaking of examples, Hope's picked up some FABULOUS new things at school. I don't know how many times in the last week she's told me I have a big butt. Let's see...I've also heard that I'm the oldest one in the family (the truth hurts), I have a giant belly, and boy I sure am fat. Swell. And no, she has not heard these things from anyone inside this house because if her Daddy said those kinds of things to me or anyone else Mama would already be in prison for teaching Daddy some manners the hard way.

The sorrow of yesterday is today's anger. I woke up on simmer and it boiled over about an hour ago. I am well and truly pissed at everyone and everything. Today? Without exaggerating? The girls haven't listened to a single thing I've told them. Not once. Mama Vesuvius erupted after lunch when she walked into the girls' bathroom and found...puddles...all over the vanity. I asked why there was water all over the vanity...I thought that was a logical question. Claire chimed in with, "I no do it! Hopie do it!" Sooo...I say, "Hopie? Why is water all over the vanity?" No answer and she was closer to me than Claire. I repeated myself for the third time. She said, "What did you say?" At this point there was actual steam coming out of my ears. I repeated myself a fourth time and was told that she did it because she wanted to and just to see what would happen. The top of my head is getting ready to blow off. Then while I'm ranting at her about the mess she's made she puts her hand to her mouth, blows one of those delightful little fart noises, and laughs herself senseless. Yeah...the explosion was felt three states away. I'm not going to win any Parent Of The Year Awards today.

I think something else that is bothering me has to do with the fact that it will soon be my dad's birthday. He would've been 86 this year. Wow. For those of you that don't know the story:

When I was a sophomore in college, my mother and I had gone into town to do some shopping. When we returned home she looked out the window and said, "Why is your dad laying in the backyard?" This really wasn't an unusual question as I have pictures of Dad sleeping just about anywhere...even in an upturned wheelbarrow. I said, "I don't know, he's probably sleeping." She said, "But the ground is so cold..." I ran out the door like a shot, called to him the entire time I ran through the backyard. When I finally reached him he wasn't breathing and his lips were blue. I started CPR. My mother came up behind me and said, "Should I call an ambulance?" I told her yes. She was frozen in shock. I got up, ran back to the house, called for an ambulance, ran back outside and started CPR again until it arrived. He was pronounced dead at the hospital...massive coronary. He was 58...I was 19.

Losing a parent at any age is hard but somehow I think the younger you are the worse it is. You carry that with you every single day for the rest of your life. I can still tell you that his mouth tasted like cigarettes. Want to bet if I took up smoking after that? I could taste what he had eaten for lunch...and I can't even think about eating said item. I won't share it with you. I don't want to ruin something that you might enjoy by attaching it to someone's death. I have a tremendous amount of anger towards my father for basically leaving me in charge. I became the "mother" that day. My mother is NOT helpless, but will portray that role with relish. There were many things she refused to do that she could've done. I want to be able to say that's done and over with. I want the hurt and anger and the just plain I am SO PISSED OFF feelings to go away. I don't want to hate my Dad because he died.

Add to this the ever present, ever fluctuating hormones and OH what a great life I'm having. I have learned through all of this that feelings LIE. And those frickin' little hormones get in there and poke at those lying feelings with sharp pointed sticks. I have become very good at realizing when the hormones are trying to take control. I try very hard NOT to listen to them. I refuse to make any type of important decision until they stabilize, and when they are as bad as they have been this week? I pull back from anyone I care about...WAY back. My life doesn't suck but that's what my feelings are telling me today. They are telling me that:

1. You suck as a parent. You NEVER should've dragged those children 1/2 way around the world to be exposed to you.

2. You suck as a person. You don't have a CLUE as to what you want to do with your life. You're 46 years old for crying out loud! You have no talent and by the way? You're stupid too.

3. You suck as a friend. Seriously. No wonder nobody likes you.

4. You're old...and you look it. You're trying too hard you know.

5. That thing you've been fighting God about for the last 6 months? Yeah, you're going to lose that too.

6. Need I go on?

Again folks, I KNOW this isn't the truth...ok, so today I PRAY it isn't the truth. I KNOW things are going to get better. I know I can get through this...this is nothing compared to what it was just a few months ago. But right now all I can feel is the hurt and the anger and the frustration.

What helps?

1. Being self aware for one. I know what's happening, I know I'll get through it.
2. Being determined to get through it and back on the course I've plotted for New Mel.

3. Dark humor. Honestly, when I'm like this, the darker the better. I took the girls to Target this morning. As we were passing the DVD's I noticed one called, "Drag Me To Hell". The very first thought that popped into my deranged mind? "No need. I'm already there." It made me laugh people. I needed it.

4. Music? Always. I've mentioned 3 Doors Down before and how perfectly their songs fit my life at this point in time. I'll close with one that seems frighteningly appropriate to this psychotic rant.

Until next time y'all,

Changes
Matthew Darrick Roberts; Robert Todd Harrell; Christopher Le Henderson; Brad Arnold


I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me 'cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone (and I believe)
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me 'cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

But I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
And I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

Changes can be found on my playlist at the bottom of the page.

Calgon...Take Me Away

Bath night...a derogatory term growing up...not really something I looked forward to as a kid. But hey...times have changed.

We moved into this house in September of 2002. I was thrilled to have a whirlpool tub for the first time in my life! I used it twice in six years. It took too long...I'd rather take a shower...I had to clean the tub...the list was endless. Then...last May...suddenly the thought of spending time in that tub became highly desirable. I'd find myself getting stressed out and proclaiming, "Calgon...take me away..." Ok...fess up...who's old enough to remember that one?

I think I partook of my guilty pleasure once a month...and I felt scandalous. I mean, I had things I was supposed to be doing and here I was just laying around in this bathtub. I took grief from more than one person. My favorite comment came from another Mel who said, "What is WRONG with you? We check into a HOTEL just so we can use those tubs!" So I started taking a soak every Friday...candles...soft lights...music. Ahhh...bliss...

However, as with my music, when the bottom fell out, my soaks didn't help...they hurt. I didn't want to be alone in my tub. If I had to hazard a guess I would say it was because I was forced to be alone with some very dark thoughts and I wasn't ready to face them. During this time I discovered a fabulous smelling body lotion put out by Bath & Body Works. Black Raspberry Vanilla soon became my comfort scent of choice. One evening, after my shower as I was indulging in said deliciously smelling lotion my tub started calling to me again. I believe it's exact words were, "I'll bet that comes in bubble bath too!" It was right.


Friday nights have become the highlight of my week. After I sing to the girls and tuck them in I barricade myself in the master bath with a veritable feast of delights for my weary soul. That truly is my tub at the top of the post...and my candles...and those bubbles? Yep...black raspberry vanilla...oh I can almost smell them now...

What you can't see in that picture is my laptop. Yes, we all know I'm obsessed with my laptop...it goes everywhere with me...even on vacation. Leave me alone...I could have worse vices. Most bath nights I've got one of my playlists from playlist.com cranked as loudly as I think I can get away with without waking the girls.

Lately I find myself taking an inordinate amount of pleasure from 3 Doors Down. These guys are PHENOMENAL. Their lyrics are p-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n. If I didn't know better I'd think they were following Rick Springfield...following me around...making money off of writing about my life. The CD above, Away From The Sun is my current favorite. Just about every song on it has my undivided attention. I'm thinking it may be a good choice for tonight's bath night. However, I just realized...my hot little laptop also plays DVD's. I could watch a movie...or an episode of thirtysomething...or boomtown. But wait...I could go online and watch last night's episode of Fringe while I'm soaking in my own private little heaven! Be still my foolish, foolish heart!

Last Friday's soak was especially gratifying. It was the first I was allowed to take since getting my tattoo. I actually experienced that one without the soft lights...simply by candlelight alone. The only problem was after three weeks away from my haven, I'd lost the rather delicate skill of mixing the perfect water temperature. I ended up getting way too warm and had to cut my quiet time short. Tonight, I'm going to remedy that by taking another comfort with me...a frosty, cold bottle of T42 Peach tea. No...none of these companies are paying me to spotlight their products. But I am open to all offers.

Frankly, I'm at a loss as to what could make these at least an hour long mini-vacations be any better. Oh wait...how about a piece of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory?

Still better? How about a pair of broad shoulders to feed it to me?  Ok...I'll stop there. You get the idea. It's my escape into decadence one night a week.

Be blessed y'all...until next time,

Looking Forward

One GIANT component of pulling myself up and out of the pit has been not only looking forward to a place where I no longer felt the way I did, but also having things to look forward to, just to get me through each day.

One of the articles I read about grief stated that you should surround yourself with things that comfort you. Again, folks? This is what worked for me. I'm not saying that ANY of what I did will work for you or anyone else you know. Find something that you think will work for you and run with it. If it doesn't work, try something else. Keep trying until you find YOUR peace.

1) Ice Cream---I dropped quite a few pounds during my time in the black hole. Yes, I hit my danger weight and I went below it. But I was also continuing to exercise every day and I wasn't showing any physical signs (or mental for that matter) of the return of my eating disorder. Stress, sadness, depression...yeah...you're gonna lose some weight. One afternoon, during Hope's first week of school I took some Ben and Jerry's out onto the patio with me while Claire was napping. It didn't solve anything. I cried before and after I ate it. But it did taste GOOD and I could stand to push a few extra calories so that went into the plus column.

2) Walking---This one was a big one. I continued walking every single day even at my lowest. Everything I said in my previous post about my walks still rings true. I had days where knowing I was going to be able to go for a walk was the only thing that saved me. The endorphin boost gave me enough energy to simply do the dishes, grab a shower, and go to bed. Again, I still felt miserable...I still wanted to crawl into a dark closet and stay there...I still cried constantly...sometimes even DURING my walks...but I made it THROUGH. I'm still walking...and while I'm walking...I'm SMILING...and singing too!

3) Music---Music has always been a great healer for me, but for some reason this time, it brought more hurt than help. There were some songs that I had grown dependent on that I simply couldn't listen to for a very long time. So, again, one afternoon during naptime, I went out to the patio with my laptop and a couple of brand new Rick Springfield CD's. I figured, if that boy couldn't help I might as well give it up. I was right. I reopened my heart to someone who has been writing perfect lyrics for years...and he's still doing it. Once I let him in, a rush of others followed. My MP3 player is now loaded with, of course, my two Steves, RS and 3 Doors Down just to name a few. And yes, some nights when I'm walking? I am singing...loudly...and no...I DON'T care if the people sitting on their front porches or working on their cars or sweeping their driveways hear. I don't even care if they look at me funny. You know what I do? I wave at them. Oh yeah...and I smile! ; )

4) Bed---Yes folks. There was more than one time during this time period when I would look at the clock and say OUT LOUD, "In just 12 more hours I can go back to bed." Sad, yes, but again, something I was looking forward to. I have started going to bed an hour earlier than I used to. Yes...it helped.

5) Grant---For those of you not familiar with "my Grant" you can read that post here. My subconscious decided that I obviously needed a visit from Grant. I haven't had a dream about him well...the last one I remember was shortly after I got married. And yet, here I was, sharing a park bench with him. It was as with all the others...best friends or best siblings. He was trying to make me laugh, and succeeding as always...shoving my shoulder with his, trying to push me off the bench. Me being me? Doing the same thing back. It was WONDERFUL and it lifted my spirits for that entire day. You know...I wonder if he has dreams about some wild haired redhead he's never met that always makes him laugh? Yeah...I'd still love to meet him in person.

6) Sitting On The Bed and Talking To God---God and I have had our ups and downs over the years. I didn't really know Him personally until, I don't know...the late 90's? There have been a lot of trust issues lately. I'm fairly certain He's glad to have me back learning what I've learned about Him. Once Claire is busy doing her thing downstairs in the mornings I head upstairs, sit on the side of the bed, and talk to God. Praying? I suppose, but not in the "conventional" sense of the word. I don't think conventional prayers use the rather colorful language I do. Again, I'd like to think that He's happy I'm turning TO Him at this point, rather than AWAY. Most mornings I cry...yes...still. Today is a day of all out happiness and peace...and I still cried this morning. Obviously, I needed to. I will continue with these morning talks for as long as He'll have me.

7) Trying Something New---For me? This means getting out of the house...by myself. You've read about the road trip. Well, I also had a girls' night out with two friends from high school that I haven't seen for almost 30 years. Yeah, I laughed myself silly that night. THANK YOU Jane and Sherri! One Sunday I meandered around Barnes & Noble by myself, sipping a peppermint hot chocolate and picking up books I'd never even THINK of reading. I bought two of them. I can't say I'd ever buy anything like that again, but I didn't HATE either one of them! HA! This one is an ongoing deal folks...I'll keep you posted.

8) Yeah...you should probably be sitting down if you aren't. And you might want to read this post if you haven't already. In that post I had said that I was done with piercings. Well...not exactly. I got two more twelve weeks ago. Oh stop it...they're all in my ears...I've got nine now. Piercings people...not ears...keep up will you? Also in that post I asked what y'all thought of tattoos.

I've been thinking long and hard about tattoos for many years...I believe that post was dated 2005? I decided long ago I wanted a saying done in Chinese characters. A couple of years ago I came up with a great idea and then chickened out. Several months ago I found a young lady online who will translate your great idea into Chinese specifically for a tattoo. Again...filed it away.

After the henna tattoo was gone...I missed it...and it had only been around for a week! The more I thought about it, the more I knew I was ready. I contacted Kathy at Chinese-Tattoos.com. After several days of working together, she told me that the idea I had really didn't translate, it was too specific, and to do it justice it would take a ridiculously long string of characters not suitable for a tattoo. She offered to refund my money as she was out of ideas. I told her to give me a few days...let me think about it...let me look around at her site which holds a WEALTH of ideas. I decided to do what I had basically done when I chose Hope and Claire's middle names. I was going to choose three characteristics that I want to display in my life...Mel's life...this Mel that I am becoming. I chose the characters, asked Kathy if I chose the correct ones...I was ok on two of them, she corrected my third. I chose font, size, placement etc. It took about two weeks via email to come up with what I was looking for. And she is an angel...I have NO problems recommending Kathy to ANYONE who would be interested in her services. She is AWESOME! Once it was finished, she emailed me the design in PDF format. I took it downtown, got a price, and an appointment for the next day.

Did it hurt? Not really. Would I do it again. In a heartbeat. These pictures were taken about a week afterwards. The ink has since gotten a lot brighter. Are y'all ok? Do you need to excuse yourselves for a bit? Get a glass of water? Dang...that Mel's gone middle age crazy or something...

So what traits did I choose? Reading vertically from left to right the characters read: courage, passion, balance.
And no...Mel hasn't gone middle age crazy...Mel is just finally learning how to LIVE.
Below is one of my newer theme songs. Yes, if you live in my neighborhood, chances are very good you've heard me belting it out once or twice.

Be blessed y'all...and don't forget to SMILE! %^ ]



Be Good To Yourself by Journey
Runnin' out of self-control
Gettin' close to an overload
Up against a no win situation
Shoulder to shoulder, push and shove
I'm hangin' up my boxin' gloves
I'm ready for a long vacation

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
You're walkin' a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself

When you can't give no more
They want it all but you gotta say no
I'm turnin' off the noise that makes me crazy
Lookin' back with no regrets
To forgive is to forget
I want a little piece of mind to turn to

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
You're walkin' a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself
Be good to yourself when, nobody else will