Looking Forward

One GIANT component of pulling myself up and out of the pit has been not only looking forward to a place where I no longer felt the way I did, but also having things to look forward to, just to get me through each day.

One of the articles I read about grief stated that you should surround yourself with things that comfort you. Again, folks? This is what worked for me. I'm not saying that ANY of what I did will work for you or anyone else you know. Find something that you think will work for you and run with it. If it doesn't work, try something else. Keep trying until you find YOUR peace.

1) Ice Cream---I dropped quite a few pounds during my time in the black hole. Yes, I hit my danger weight and I went below it. But I was also continuing to exercise every day and I wasn't showing any physical signs (or mental for that matter) of the return of my eating disorder. Stress, sadness, depression...yeah...you're gonna lose some weight. One afternoon, during Hope's first week of school I took some Ben and Jerry's out onto the patio with me while Claire was napping. It didn't solve anything. I cried before and after I ate it. But it did taste GOOD and I could stand to push a few extra calories so that went into the plus column.

2) Walking---This one was a big one. I continued walking every single day even at my lowest. Everything I said in my previous post about my walks still rings true. I had days where knowing I was going to be able to go for a walk was the only thing that saved me. The endorphin boost gave me enough energy to simply do the dishes, grab a shower, and go to bed. Again, I still felt miserable...I still wanted to crawl into a dark closet and stay there...I still cried constantly...sometimes even DURING my walks...but I made it THROUGH. I'm still walking...and while I'm walking...I'm SMILING...and singing too!

3) Music---Music has always been a great healer for me, but for some reason this time, it brought more hurt than help. There were some songs that I had grown dependent on that I simply couldn't listen to for a very long time. So, again, one afternoon during naptime, I went out to the patio with my laptop and a couple of brand new Rick Springfield CD's. I figured, if that boy couldn't help I might as well give it up. I was right. I reopened my heart to someone who has been writing perfect lyrics for years...and he's still doing it. Once I let him in, a rush of others followed. My MP3 player is now loaded with, of course, my two Steves, RS and 3 Doors Down just to name a few. And yes, some nights when I'm walking? I am singing...loudly...and no...I DON'T care if the people sitting on their front porches or working on their cars or sweeping their driveways hear. I don't even care if they look at me funny. You know what I do? I wave at them. Oh yeah...and I smile! ; )

4) Bed---Yes folks. There was more than one time during this time period when I would look at the clock and say OUT LOUD, "In just 12 more hours I can go back to bed." Sad, yes, but again, something I was looking forward to. I have started going to bed an hour earlier than I used to. Yes...it helped.

5) Grant---For those of you not familiar with "my Grant" you can read that post here. My subconscious decided that I obviously needed a visit from Grant. I haven't had a dream about him well...the last one I remember was shortly after I got married. And yet, here I was, sharing a park bench with him. It was as with all the others...best friends or best siblings. He was trying to make me laugh, and succeeding as always...shoving my shoulder with his, trying to push me off the bench. Me being me? Doing the same thing back. It was WONDERFUL and it lifted my spirits for that entire day. You know...I wonder if he has dreams about some wild haired redhead he's never met that always makes him laugh? Yeah...I'd still love to meet him in person.

6) Sitting On The Bed and Talking To God---God and I have had our ups and downs over the years. I didn't really know Him personally until, I don't know...the late 90's? There have been a lot of trust issues lately. I'm fairly certain He's glad to have me back learning what I've learned about Him. Once Claire is busy doing her thing downstairs in the mornings I head upstairs, sit on the side of the bed, and talk to God. Praying? I suppose, but not in the "conventional" sense of the word. I don't think conventional prayers use the rather colorful language I do. Again, I'd like to think that He's happy I'm turning TO Him at this point, rather than AWAY. Most mornings I cry...yes...still. Today is a day of all out happiness and peace...and I still cried this morning. Obviously, I needed to. I will continue with these morning talks for as long as He'll have me.

7) Trying Something New---For me? This means getting out of the house...by myself. You've read about the road trip. Well, I also had a girls' night out with two friends from high school that I haven't seen for almost 30 years. Yeah, I laughed myself silly that night. THANK YOU Jane and Sherri! One Sunday I meandered around Barnes & Noble by myself, sipping a peppermint hot chocolate and picking up books I'd never even THINK of reading. I bought two of them. I can't say I'd ever buy anything like that again, but I didn't HATE either one of them! HA! This one is an ongoing deal folks...I'll keep you posted.

8) Yeah...you should probably be sitting down if you aren't. And you might want to read this post if you haven't already. In that post I had said that I was done with piercings. Well...not exactly. I got two more twelve weeks ago. Oh stop it...they're all in my ears...I've got nine now. Piercings people...not ears...keep up will you? Also in that post I asked what y'all thought of tattoos.

I've been thinking long and hard about tattoos for many years...I believe that post was dated 2005? I decided long ago I wanted a saying done in Chinese characters. A couple of years ago I came up with a great idea and then chickened out. Several months ago I found a young lady online who will translate your great idea into Chinese specifically for a tattoo. Again...filed it away.

After the henna tattoo was gone...I missed it...and it had only been around for a week! The more I thought about it, the more I knew I was ready. I contacted Kathy at Chinese-Tattoos.com. After several days of working together, she told me that the idea I had really didn't translate, it was too specific, and to do it justice it would take a ridiculously long string of characters not suitable for a tattoo. She offered to refund my money as she was out of ideas. I told her to give me a few days...let me think about it...let me look around at her site which holds a WEALTH of ideas. I decided to do what I had basically done when I chose Hope and Claire's middle names. I was going to choose three characteristics that I want to display in my life...Mel's life...this Mel that I am becoming. I chose the characters, asked Kathy if I chose the correct ones...I was ok on two of them, she corrected my third. I chose font, size, placement etc. It took about two weeks via email to come up with what I was looking for. And she is an angel...I have NO problems recommending Kathy to ANYONE who would be interested in her services. She is AWESOME! Once it was finished, she emailed me the design in PDF format. I took it downtown, got a price, and an appointment for the next day.

Did it hurt? Not really. Would I do it again. In a heartbeat. These pictures were taken about a week afterwards. The ink has since gotten a lot brighter. Are y'all ok? Do you need to excuse yourselves for a bit? Get a glass of water? Dang...that Mel's gone middle age crazy or something...

So what traits did I choose? Reading vertically from left to right the characters read: courage, passion, balance.
And no...Mel hasn't gone middle age crazy...Mel is just finally learning how to LIVE.
Below is one of my newer theme songs. Yes, if you live in my neighborhood, chances are very good you've heard me belting it out once or twice.

Be blessed y'all...and don't forget to SMILE! %^ ]



Be Good To Yourself by Journey
Runnin' out of self-control
Gettin' close to an overload
Up against a no win situation
Shoulder to shoulder, push and shove
I'm hangin' up my boxin' gloves
I'm ready for a long vacation

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
You're walkin' a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself

When you can't give no more
They want it all but you gotta say no
I'm turnin' off the noise that makes me crazy
Lookin' back with no regrets
To forgive is to forget
I want a little piece of mind to turn to

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
You're walkin' a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself
Be good to yourself when, nobody else will

Breaking The Surface---Part One

I've been sitting here for the last fifteen minutes going back and forth on the title for this post. It started out as "Surviving" then changed to "Breaking The Surface". I fear it may be too early to declare that I've broken the surface of this thing, but I think I'm doing a little better than surviving. So let's call it "Breaking The Surface---Part One".

How am I doing? Well, I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you I'm fine. And yes...I did just say "ass". I swear. Frequently. It's one of the many millions of facets to Mel. As with the rest of them, love me or not...just don't bust my chops over it. So, I'm not fine...this isn't easy...it's not just going to go away...but I am learning to deal with it.

I thank everyone who has offered prayers, support, encouragement, and suggestions on how to "c'mon get happy". Seriously...how many of you now have the theme from The Partridge Family stuck in your head? Evil. Just one of the services I offer...just one of the things that I find makes me smile.

While everyone's support is much appreciated let me just share with you the sentiments that have helped me the most. Again, these won't work for everyone, but for me they were priceless.

The day after I wrote the "Becoming" post I received an email from someone who means a lot to me. It said, "You know what? YOU CAN DO THIS." This person is the strongest human I know. Ok...I can do this. A friend from high school reminded me that this situation isn't like the common cold. It's not going to be done and over with in 7-10 days. A friend from college sent me a card. The front said something like "The things people say to make you feel better: 1. This too shall pass. 2. Things could always get worse. 3. Smile!" The inside listed the responses that you feel like giving, "1. Shut up 2. Shut up 3. Shut up" That made me laugh out loud.

Something else that doesn't ring true with me? "Each day will get easier." No...no it won't. When I first started crawling out of this pit I would have one or two days where I could barely function. Then I would have an "up" day. That doesn't mean I was giggling and frolicking about and tossing flower petals in the air. What it was, was a day I could BREATHE, relax...perhaps a period of stasis describes it better. I would look forward to the next day and it getting "easier". Wrong...back down into the pit. It felt like one step forward and at least 47 back.

Figuring...what the hell...it can't get any worse...I threw caution to the wind and scheduled a road trip. All right...pick yourselves up off the floor. Yes, it's been ages since I've been the driver on a road trip...and I've never taken one by myself. But let me tell you, it was something that absolutely appealed to me at that moment. I got a sitter for August 17th, informed the family I was taking off for that day, and that was that. The closer the date came the more "up" my mood became. I got everything ready for the sitter, cleaned out the Jeep, printed out maps, made a list of what I'd like to look for, chose what CD's I was going to take. Hey, that in and of itself? Getting to listen to my own music in the car? That was enough to make me positively giddy!

So...the morning of the 17th arrives, the sitter is here, the car is packed and I...am...outta...here! Flying down the highway at speeds we won't discuss...that I haven't hit in a verrrry long time...my two Steves blasting from my stereo...the sun shining...blue skies...no car seats in the back seat...I felt positively SCANDALOUS for close to two hours. Not only scandalous...but one might say blissful. I reached my destination, jumped out of the Jeep...and the minute I got inside felt the very distinct rumblings of a panic attack. HOARDS of negative feelings..."you're too old for this"..."you should be at home with your kids"..."who are you fooling"..."you're in a strange city"..."you don't know anyone here"..."go home!" Yeah...they were all swirling around in my head. I got them under control as best as I could...walked around for about an hour like I was in a daze. Went into a couple of stores...wasn't really feelin' it. I passed a place that did henna tattoos...hmmm...I was interested.

I forced myself to go into another store and was down on my hands and knees looking at a bunch of thumb rings (I have a MAJOR weakness for those) when my phone rang. Thinking there was something wrong with the girls I clawed my phone out of my front pocket and made a break for the exit. God is good y'all. On the other end of that phone was a voice that never fails to calm me...center me...talk me down from my ledges. Thank you my friend...I owe you YET another one. Not only did that sweet, strong voice talk me down from my freak-out ledge, it also told me, "Go into a store and BUY something!" So I did. I went into Buckle, a store I had walked past twice before when the voices were telling me I was too old to go in there...and I bought a hoodie...for $80. I know...I'm still in shock too. So I guess I won't tell you that I went back to the same store later and bought a shirt and two pairs of earrings. After that? I went to the henna tattoo place and got the little ditty on my hand that you can see in the picture at the top. Did a little more shopping...had some chocolate peanut butter cookie dough cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory that was to DIE for...back to shopping...and an idea hit. This was a pretty major event in my life. I needed something special to commemorate it. I headed to Things Remembered and chose a bracelet...again...see the picture. One side of the heart has "Mel" engraved on it. The other side has a favorite song lyric. That lyric can mean how I have been living...a negative connotation...but it can also mean how I am now trying my damndest to live...a positive connotation. The girl who did the engraving wanted me to explain it to her. She thought it was the perfect sentiment...congratulated me on getting out and doing something just for me. She also told me that as long as I spent $80 on a hoodie for myself, it was ok! After that? Another two hours in the car with my two Steves and home in time for my walk. Thoughts of that special day still make me smile!

My bracelet? It's rarely off. I'm going to have to take it to a jeweler and have it put on a sturdier base...the leather cord and clasps are already falling apart. It has become my talisman. I am constantly looking at it...touching the heart...reminding myself what is to come. I plan on adding a new lyric bracelet for each new major challenge I meet and overcome.

So all was well after that? Oh you silly, silly people! I wish. But no. Remember...I still had to send Hope off to school. We'll save that for Part Two.

While I was shopping I came upon a huge play area filled to capacity with screaming children and their mothers of all ages and races. I stood there looking at them for the longest time...and sadly saw myself reflecting back at me. Every...single...woman...was simply staring off into space...beaten...the same God-awful look of emptiness, despair, and utter exhaustion. It was beyond surreal. These feelings my friends...they are universal...at epidemic proportions.

If I had a dollar for everyone who has told me in the last six months that "all I want to do is get in the car and leave...and never come back"...well...I'd have a huge smile on my face and I'd never have to worry about money again. I've been there friends. I've BEEN in the car...with $80 in my wallet...and an hour from home...with absolutely no intention of ever coming back. No plans, brain on autopilot, just gonna drive until the car is out of gas because THAT'S how down and out and empty I was. There's probably a couple of you reading this that can give me the exact date of that trip too. Yes...I turned around. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I have too much common sense to just run away without having everything planned out down to the minutest of details.

I'm here...I'm surviving...I CAN DO THIS.

Catch y'all later in Part Two...