Mel...One Year Later

I sat down recently and reread my entries starting in August of 2009 and going through October of the same year. Folks...I have come so far...farther than I could ever have imagined...especially if you would've told me this last year. I remember sitting in my kitchen, typing one or more of those posts and sobbing so hard I couldn't even continue. I vividly remember being barely able to function, to just get through the day...the only thing I looked forward to was going to bed. I remember being so far down I couldn't even see daylight, let alone the top of the pit. I remember being cautiously optimistic when I thought I had finally broken the surface, only to be pulled back under once again. Well, I would like to announce that not only have I broken the surface, but I am climbing the mountain. I will never, NEVER go back to the pit and will do WHATEVER it takes to be certain I never return. Not only am I on the mountain, but I have actual days where I'm able to find a peaceful outcropping to just sit, rest, and enjoy the view. For the first time in my entire life, I am comfortable in my own skin...and it shows in every aspect of my life.

Feel free to go through my Ancient Ramblings to further illustrate these points!

There were several "major events" that finally brought this excruciatingly painful, yet well worth it part of my journey to an end.

1. Jim
The death of this man whom I loved so dearly, literally stripped me of my last reserve of strength. I fully believe one must be at their weakest before they can start to rebuild.

2. Losing Grace
The character of Grace Hanadarko from Saving Grace as you well know, was an inspiration not only to me, but to millions of other women. I felt so close to this character, recognized so much of myself in her, both good and bad. When the series ended and her character was killed it sent me reeling. I've never been so close to giving up in my life...on everything.

One evening, shortly after I watched the final episode I went out for my walk. That day had been abyssmal and if I didn't get out I was going to lose what tiny bit of sanity I was still clinging to. It was ugly outside. I mean approaching Storm Chasers ugly. I didn't care. If I got wet, so what. If I got struck by lightning, all the better. Nothing was going to keep me from going for a walk. I hadn't even made it around the corner before the thunder started. I kept going. About a quarter of the way into my route it started raining and there was a wall of rain coming right for me. I walked straight into it and just kept going. I crossed the street and looked skyward. I've never seen anything so dark, so compelling, so beautiful. I stood there for the longest time, staring skyward and I finally said, "You want me? Then just go ahead and take me...I dare you." Probably not the smartest thing I've ever done...or was it? I truly believe that was the day I got my strength, or my Mel Mojo back. At that moment, I knew exactly what it felt like to Embrace My Grace. What I did was something I could see Grace doing...effortlessly. I will never forget cresting the hill and seeing a family standing in their garage who had been watching the storm look at me like I was a complete and total moron...and I just smiled at them and kept on going. The following was my status on Facebook that evening: "Ever walk headlong through a wall of rain straight into the darkness of an incoming storm...on purpose? Stare straight up at the swirling clouds...the black tendrils so close to the ground you feel like you can reach up and touch them? Stand with arms outstretched and face toward the sky with 3DD mixing with thunder in your head? I have to say it was one amazing experience...no fear...just...peace."

3. Facing Demons
Once you've dared God to snatch you up during a thunderstorm, facing old demons doesn't seem quite so scary. You can read about that here, here, and here.

So how have things changed? Everything else aside...you might want to read this post before you go any farther.

For the first time in, well, probably forever, I enjoyed the month of August. On the day school started? I was fine. I was actually better than fine. I was looking forward to it…having a little time to myself…recouping a little bit of my peace, quiet, and sanity. All the dreaded paperwork was finished…early. The day before? Just another Sunday…no stomach issues…no tension…no tears…slept great. That was all phenomenal, sure. But you want to know what the absolute best part was? Hopie picked up on Mama’s attitude, much like she always does…and you wouldn’t believe the change in her. She was excited, but not scared. She was smiling from the moment she got up that morning. And when she waved goodbye to me from the bus window? It wasn’t just her mouth that was smiling. Her eyes…her body language…she was positively radiant!

The next month? Claire started preshool. Day one and not only did we survive it but one could say we were thriving. She was happy and excited and ready to go. No tears, no tummy aches, just lots of big smiles. I didn’t cry when I left her…can you believe it? I can’t! Don’t get me wrong, I felt a big old tug, but it’s time for her to be with other kids and have somebody else leading her besides Mama. And when I went to pick her up? She came racing out of her room, jumped into my arms and cried, "Mama!!! I missed you!!!" That's some pretty awesome stuff there folks! And yes, I did cry later when I was looking at the picture posted here...she just looks so very grown up.
 
I have a peace...a center...that's not been there before. My spunk...my fire...my determination...my smile...I've missed them...and it's so good to have them return. My life has light...and color...and warmth again. No, it's not perfect...and I'm not where I need or want to be yet. But I am ok with where I am now. And that my friends, is something to be proud of.

I had mentioned in a prior post that during my last check-up, the nurse suggested I try taking a daily Vitamin D supplement. I’m the one who pulled myself out of the third concentric circle of hell by my fingernails for the last year…I’ve got the burn scars to show for it. I’ve faced down more demons…and won…than I ever imagined I could. Believe me, I know, I was there. I am ultimately the one who did all of the work...and I'm not trying to take away from that in any way, shape or form. You've got to go through your fire to get to the other side. But that little white vitamin tablet, at least for me, takes the edge off, rounds off the corners a little, and helps makes my journey just a little easier.

I want to take a moment to say a few words about my friend. Perhaps a better word to describe him would be catalyst. I don't know why God placed him in my life when He did but I am eternally grateful to Him for it. I trusted this person without giving it a second thought...I've never been so open, so trusting, so comfortable with anyone before, or most probably after. He kicked down every single wall I had ever built...effortlessly...and I let him. He is the person who started this change. He taught me to trust myself, showed me just how strong I am, allowed me to see Mel as the world sees her, was there for me each and every time I needed to cry or whine or bitch or laugh or smile, and always, always knew just what to say to make me pick myself up and keep going. He shared so many wonderful bits of wisdom with me, but the one that perhaps resonates the most, was just two simple words. He said, "You matter."

He has since moved on...probably helping someone else get his or her life together. It's his gift and most likely his curse as well. I miss him...a lot. But I want not only him, but anyone else reading this to know I am NEVER going back. Back to the darkness, the fear, the self loathing, the hiding from everyone and everything, building walls...never again. Those few months that he shared himself with me, our friendship, what he taught me, mean too much to me to ever disrepect it in that way. It meant more to me than you can ever know. I'm going to honor that relationship and keep going forward, keep fighting, keep living, keep being Mel whoever she happens to be at that exact moment, and keep smiling.

Now, I simply wouldn't be Mel if I didn't share a song with you that is just scary appropriate to this post, would I? Enjoy it...live your life like it matters...be...Amazing.




Amazing
By Aerosmith

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin' to walk through
The pain

When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishin that I
Would die

[Chorus:]

It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot's a permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay
Alive

[Chorus:]

Listen to the whole thing...the very end is my favorite part!

Mel's Totally Excellent Cheesecake Adventure---Part One

Yes I'm still alive...I'm still growing...I'm still changing...although I have to say I'm ready for someone else to change for a bit...I need a break.  ; )

Taking a vacation this year seemed like the impossible dream.  The girls have gotten to the point where having them both in the car for longer than five minutes would drive the most hardened terrorist mad.  These kids are the champion tattlers/teasers/talkers.  My sanity has been stretched to its outer limits.

Several weeks ago The Spousal Unit told me to take a few days and just get away from everything.  I didn't wait for him to mention it again.  I rearranged a few appointments, and gave him my first choice of dates, which was last week.  He got that week off for vacation then I started looking for hotels.  You know...I'm usually the one who books the hotels, gets tickets etc.  That's never bothered me...but this was different...this was just for me.  I know...I'm...unique...for lack of a better term.  I looked at tons of hotels near where I wanted to disappear to.  They were either all booked or were so excessively expensive that I wouldn't have any money left over for fun things...like...food.  A friend of mine had recommended a hotel chain he had stayed at numerous times.  There wasn't one exactly close to where I wanted to be, but it was available for the dates I wanted and I got a killer online rate.

The next couple of weeks I kept myself busy, much like any other day.  One major project this spring and summer has been to tackle my landscaping.  It's not done yet, there is still a great deal I'll need to do next year, but I feel as if I may actually have a handle on things now where that's concerned.  This has obviously, upped my physical labor in a major way.  I am also still walking for an hour every day if the weather allows.  Add to those two things the fact that I'm dealing with a couple more major upheavals which I may or may not share in this forum, the appetite had for the most part disappeared and anorexia was knocking at the door again.  I refuse to refer to it as "my" anorexia.  That somehow implies ownership...that it needs to be nurtured...tended....cherished.  Forget that shit.  I implore anyone reading this...do NOT refer to any disease or condition as "yours", unless it's something you truly treasure and want as a part of your life.  Myself?  I've spent enough time dealing with the sneaky little bastard.  It can leave me the hell alone for the rest of my life as far as I'm concerned!

As my date of departure got closer the little voices got louder.  You know..."you can't do this"..."you're going to get lost"..."you're going to get sick"..."you're going to get killed"..."your kids are going to hate you"..."you're a bad mother for leaving them"..."you're selfish"...they were all there along with quite a few more.  And with each one of those voices, my appetite left just a little more.  On Monday of last week I went in for my yearly check-up.  As the nurse was feeling along my spine she said, "Wait a minute...you've lost more weight...haven't you?"  I said, "I don't know..." knowing full well I was at least three pounds under my danger weight.  She checked the chart and said, "You've lost four more pounds.  You can't afford to lose four more pounds.  What are you going to do about it?"  I said, "I'm going away tomorrow and eat cheesecake for three days."  She said, "That's a good start."  I also told her that the mood swings are getting worse.  She told me to try adding a Vitamin D supplement every day.  I'll get back to you on that one.

That night we took the girls to their first baseball game.  We all had such a good time...but I couldn't eat.  I managed to get down a pretzel.  The next morning...the very thought of breakfast made me sick to my stomach.  I loaded the Jeep, threw a bag of oyster crackers on the seat beside me, hugged my kids, and hit the road.  As I told several people, "This is either going to cure me or kill me."

The weather last Tuesday was perfect.  The drive was gorgeous...just me...Rob Thomas...Aerosmith...and lots of trucks.  I LOVE trucks...all of them...but I have to say my favorite would be those bearing the Kenworth name.  The closer I got to my destination, the heavier the traffic got...the more confusing the directions became...more lanes appeared on the highway.  I turned off the CD player so I could concentrate and ended up exactly where I wanted to be.  I said a prayer of thanks as I pulled into my parking spot, sent a text to The Spousal Unit telling him I was ok, and started to explore.

I had chosen to visit one of those...I don't know what they're called...shopping villages?  You know...bunches of stores all built to look like a small village or something?  I had heard good things about this place and had planned on spending a couple of days checking it out.  I hadn't even gotten out of the parking lot before I realized I had either lost or left home without my watch.  Well...there you go...I need to go buy a new watch!  I found The Fossil Store and spent 15-20 minutes checking out their inventory and chose a couple to try on.  When the young man handed me the second watch, I noticed that one of the cabochons was missing from the band.  I said, "Umm...it looks like one of the stones is missing already from this one."  He was mortified...his manager was mortified...they pulled out a brand new one and handed it to me.  At this point?  I was having fun.  I already knew I was going to buy it...but I said, "Now...none of these stones are going to fall off like that other one did...right?  Huh?  Right?  Are you listening?"  After every question I would reach out and flick the guy's arm.  He was laughing...he knew I was having fun.  So was he.  I paid for my purchase while he set the time and the date.  I put on my new watch and headed out to take care of "my list".  If you've been reading me for any length of time, you know how I am about my lists.

I took care of my 5 for $25 Victoria's Secret fix next.  I'm addicted.  I don't care.  I've decided you can't have too many cute pairs of panties.  Thank you.

I wandered around some more and realized I felt hungry.  It was too early for lunch but I managed to find an Auntie Anne's and grab one of their deliciously buttery and salty hot pretzels to tide me over.  More walking...more looking...more exploring...rest break.

Now...this is one of those things I wish I had invented.  Seriously...just making the door wider and giving it an overlap so you have more privacy in the stall..and hide your hiny.  Yes, I took a flash picture...yes there was someone in the stall next to me.  Honestly, you should know me well enough by now to know...I DON'T CARE.

I also discovered the "new generation" of hand dryers.  Dear Lord!  They really work!  They also blow so hard you feel like you're in some type of astronaut training exercise and your jewelry/clothing/skin is going to shoot off of your body.  But yes...they do work.  And no...I didn't get a picture of that.

I continued to meander through "the village" and ended up at Macy's.  I was almost out of Sensuous and I figured Macy's should have an Estee counter.  I was right...I didn't have to go too far.  As luck would have it, Pam, as she introduced herself, had one gift set left.  It was the largest bottle they make, plus body lotion, plus shower gel, all for the same price as just the large bottle of perfume.  Of course, before I could pay her she had to ask if I would like to partake in any of their free services.  She gave me a brochure and I was reminded of the last Estee makeover I had gotten probaby 20 years ago.  To be fair?  I've also gotten great make-up tips and advice from the Estee employees.  This one was just...well...not.  She used a Kleenex to put the foundation on and then I don't know...a trowel for the rest of the make-up.  I had most of it wiped off before I got out of the store.  But...here I was...on my first solo adventure...and Pam was being so nice...so I told her I'd let her do one of the lip treatments.  It was supposed to make my lips look fuller.  I had to laugh...she made me take off my lipstick...and the shade she chose for my "makeover"...was the exact same Estee shade she made me wipe off.  It was fun to be pampered...I paid her for my Sensuous...thanked her...walked outside...and wiped it off!  HAAAAA!!!  Yeah...thanks Pam...but I'll do my own make-up.

I finished my tour, was starting to get hot...and hungry...and grouchy.  I put my packages in the Jeep, grabbed my nook, and headed into Barnes and Noble to cool off before I tried to put food into my stomach.  I powered up my nook, didn't see anything new/free in store that I needed to download and sat contentedly for the next 20 minutes or so in the quiet, air conditioned comfort...reading.  One last pitstop and...off to The Cheesecake Factory!

Yes...that was my lunch...and dinner.  Those mashed potatoes were the best thing I've ever tasted and the spicy corn succotash was to die for.  The cajun spiced chicken was also good but geez!  I have no idea how many pieces of chicken were there to begin with but there were well over a dozen left when I was finished!  The servers are supposed to recommend their favorite flavor of cheesecake for your dessert.  It didn't matter what she said, I had already picked out my flavor before I left home several days previous.  I love poring over the menus online and deciding what I want well in advance!  It just so happened that her favorite and my choice were exactly the same!  Adam's Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple...with chunks of peanut butter cups...and Butterfinger...and...yummmmmm.....  Oh, and yes, there was at least half of this left over for later as well.  ; )

I put lunch in the win column.  I ate...I chatted with the young couple next to me...I read a few more chapters...I enjoyed the air conditioning.

I glanced at my new watch and saw that it was time to hit the road.  My hotel was at least 30 minutes away, check-in time was fast approaching, I had a Jeep full of supplies that had been sitting in the heat for hours, and I wanted to be off of the highways before rush hour.  Back in the Jeep...look over my directions one last time...get the heck out of there.  Well...shortly after pulling out of the parking lot I was headed the wrong direction.  No big, it was basically all a big circle and I righted myself after a trip around the block.  Back on the highway...going the right direction...check.  Traffic...ick.  Four to six lanes...ick.  Somehow ended up going the wrong direction.  I believe I said...ummm...."fuck".  Yeah...I know I said that.

I actually recognized where I was at, got off at the next exit and was able to enter the highway going the right direction.  So...now I'm watching for my exit and am happy to see that the numbers are actually going towards the number I'm looking for instead of away.  I'm happy as a clam...save for all the loony traffic around me and not having a clue as to where I'm going.  I'm watching the exit numbers and see that mine should be next!  Guess what...it wasn't.  Mine was skipped.  Yeah...another "fuck"...only this one was more like "FUCK!"  I looked at my directions again...I was exactly where they told me I should be...and yet...no exit.  At this point it became, "fuck, fuCK, FUCK!" followed by, "I CAN DO THIS!"  (That same person who recommended the hotel, told me at least twice before, when I felt like I was falling apart, "YOU CAN DO THIS!"  Well, I don't get to hear his voice anymore.  I think he's going through his own changes right now.  I pray I equipped him with at least a small fraction of the skills he gave me.)  So...I repeated again, "I CAN DO THIS!"  I saw what lane I needed to be in and of course I wasn't anywhere near it.  I started changing lanes and ended up right where the highway splits...it was either exit and get lost or drive like I used to in college...I called it "offensive driving"...and stay the course.  You may remember?  I can do this.  I slowed to almost a stop in the split, waited until I saw a chance, and took it.  Shortly after that, my exit appeared.  I was never so happy to see anything in my entire life.  Again, following the friend's directions of left, then two short rights, I was sitting in the hotel parking lot, breathing a huge sigh of relief.  I didn't throw up...I didn't call for help...I didn't cry...I didn't come unglued.  I just did it.

Another new adventure...checking in at a hotel.  Again...I know...I'm unique.  Got checked in, unpacked, sent an email home saying I was at the hotel, and collapsed into the desk chair to check my email.  While I enjoyed my triumph I chatted with a friend online.  He asked me what I was going to do for the rest of the evening.  I told him I was going to check out what was going on downstairs, hit the treadmill for an hour or so, grab a shower and finish my leftovers.  After that...no idea.  He kept pressing so I said, "Well...maybe walk around naked.  God knows I haven't done that in ages."  He made me promise to stay in the room if I was going to do that.  ; )

I stuck pretty much to that schedule!  Ok, I didn't finish my leftovers but I did put a dent in them.  Hope called after swimming lessons and I talked to both girls and The Spousal Unit while I watched the Indians beat the Yankees.  I read until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and fell asleep listening to the trucks on the highway.  ")

Oh, and the walking around naked bit?  I saved that for the next day.  ")

Stay tuned...for Part Two...of Mel's Totally Excellent Cheesecake Adventure...same blog time...same blog channel...

Breaking The Surface---Part One

I've been sitting here for the last fifteen minutes going back and forth on the title for this post. It started out as "Surviving" then changed to "Breaking The Surface". I fear it may be too early to declare that I've broken the surface of this thing, but I think I'm doing a little better than surviving. So let's call it "Breaking The Surface---Part One".

How am I doing? Well, I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you I'm fine. And yes...I did just say "ass". I swear. Frequently. It's one of the many millions of facets to Mel. As with the rest of them, love me or not...just don't bust my chops over it. So, I'm not fine...this isn't easy...it's not just going to go away...but I am learning to deal with it.

I thank everyone who has offered prayers, support, encouragement, and suggestions on how to "c'mon get happy". Seriously...how many of you now have the theme from The Partridge Family stuck in your head? Evil. Just one of the services I offer...just one of the things that I find makes me smile.

While everyone's support is much appreciated let me just share with you the sentiments that have helped me the most. Again, these won't work for everyone, but for me they were priceless.

The day after I wrote the "Becoming" post I received an email from someone who means a lot to me. It said, "You know what? YOU CAN DO THIS." This person is the strongest human I know. Ok...I can do this. A friend from high school reminded me that this situation isn't like the common cold. It's not going to be done and over with in 7-10 days. A friend from college sent me a card. The front said something like "The things people say to make you feel better: 1. This too shall pass. 2. Things could always get worse. 3. Smile!" The inside listed the responses that you feel like giving, "1. Shut up 2. Shut up 3. Shut up" That made me laugh out loud.

Something else that doesn't ring true with me? "Each day will get easier." No...no it won't. When I first started crawling out of this pit I would have one or two days where I could barely function. Then I would have an "up" day. That doesn't mean I was giggling and frolicking about and tossing flower petals in the air. What it was, was a day I could BREATHE, relax...perhaps a period of stasis describes it better. I would look forward to the next day and it getting "easier". Wrong...back down into the pit. It felt like one step forward and at least 47 back.

Figuring...what the hell...it can't get any worse...I threw caution to the wind and scheduled a road trip. All right...pick yourselves up off the floor. Yes, it's been ages since I've been the driver on a road trip...and I've never taken one by myself. But let me tell you, it was something that absolutely appealed to me at that moment. I got a sitter for August 17th, informed the family I was taking off for that day, and that was that. The closer the date came the more "up" my mood became. I got everything ready for the sitter, cleaned out the Jeep, printed out maps, made a list of what I'd like to look for, chose what CD's I was going to take. Hey, that in and of itself? Getting to listen to my own music in the car? That was enough to make me positively giddy!

So...the morning of the 17th arrives, the sitter is here, the car is packed and I...am...outta...here! Flying down the highway at speeds we won't discuss...that I haven't hit in a verrrry long time...my two Steves blasting from my stereo...the sun shining...blue skies...no car seats in the back seat...I felt positively SCANDALOUS for close to two hours. Not only scandalous...but one might say blissful. I reached my destination, jumped out of the Jeep...and the minute I got inside felt the very distinct rumblings of a panic attack. HOARDS of negative feelings..."you're too old for this"..."you should be at home with your kids"..."who are you fooling"..."you're in a strange city"..."you don't know anyone here"..."go home!" Yeah...they were all swirling around in my head. I got them under control as best as I could...walked around for about an hour like I was in a daze. Went into a couple of stores...wasn't really feelin' it. I passed a place that did henna tattoos...hmmm...I was interested.

I forced myself to go into another store and was down on my hands and knees looking at a bunch of thumb rings (I have a MAJOR weakness for those) when my phone rang. Thinking there was something wrong with the girls I clawed my phone out of my front pocket and made a break for the exit. God is good y'all. On the other end of that phone was a voice that never fails to calm me...center me...talk me down from my ledges. Thank you my friend...I owe you YET another one. Not only did that sweet, strong voice talk me down from my freak-out ledge, it also told me, "Go into a store and BUY something!" So I did. I went into Buckle, a store I had walked past twice before when the voices were telling me I was too old to go in there...and I bought a hoodie...for $80. I know...I'm still in shock too. So I guess I won't tell you that I went back to the same store later and bought a shirt and two pairs of earrings. After that? I went to the henna tattoo place and got the little ditty on my hand that you can see in the picture at the top. Did a little more shopping...had some chocolate peanut butter cookie dough cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory that was to DIE for...back to shopping...and an idea hit. This was a pretty major event in my life. I needed something special to commemorate it. I headed to Things Remembered and chose a bracelet...again...see the picture. One side of the heart has "Mel" engraved on it. The other side has a favorite song lyric. That lyric can mean how I have been living...a negative connotation...but it can also mean how I am now trying my damndest to live...a positive connotation. The girl who did the engraving wanted me to explain it to her. She thought it was the perfect sentiment...congratulated me on getting out and doing something just for me. She also told me that as long as I spent $80 on a hoodie for myself, it was ok! After that? Another two hours in the car with my two Steves and home in time for my walk. Thoughts of that special day still make me smile!

My bracelet? It's rarely off. I'm going to have to take it to a jeweler and have it put on a sturdier base...the leather cord and clasps are already falling apart. It has become my talisman. I am constantly looking at it...touching the heart...reminding myself what is to come. I plan on adding a new lyric bracelet for each new major challenge I meet and overcome.

So all was well after that? Oh you silly, silly people! I wish. But no. Remember...I still had to send Hope off to school. We'll save that for Part Two.

While I was shopping I came upon a huge play area filled to capacity with screaming children and their mothers of all ages and races. I stood there looking at them for the longest time...and sadly saw myself reflecting back at me. Every...single...woman...was simply staring off into space...beaten...the same God-awful look of emptiness, despair, and utter exhaustion. It was beyond surreal. These feelings my friends...they are universal...at epidemic proportions.

If I had a dollar for everyone who has told me in the last six months that "all I want to do is get in the car and leave...and never come back"...well...I'd have a huge smile on my face and I'd never have to worry about money again. I've been there friends. I've BEEN in the car...with $80 in my wallet...and an hour from home...with absolutely no intention of ever coming back. No plans, brain on autopilot, just gonna drive until the car is out of gas because THAT'S how down and out and empty I was. There's probably a couple of you reading this that can give me the exact date of that trip too. Yes...I turned around. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I have too much common sense to just run away without having everything planned out down to the minutest of details.

I'm here...I'm surviving...I CAN DO THIS.

Catch y'all later in Part Two...

Becoming...

Sooo...if you read my last post, you know I'm going THROUGH. One of my favorite Joyce Meyer messages is "the only way OUT is THROUGH". And believe me friends...I want out...I want faarrrrr out...I want shot from a cannon out.

I suppose I've come to that point in my life, that so many women before me have. I have absolutely not one single clue as to who Mel is. Strip away the titles...Mama...friend...wife and what do you have? I have no idea. What happened to her? Did she ever exist? Most days I feel like I am screaming into a vacuum. I am completely invisible.

I have been beyond blessed with someone who reentered my life several months ago. This amazing person opened my eyes to a lot of things. Possibly the most important is that it's time for Mel to live...and feel...and see Mel the way OTHERS see her. Very simply, put a mirror up in front of my face...my life...and made me take a good long look.

The Mel I know has lived behind walls of her own making for decades. Those walls were built for survival...if you don't feel...you don't hurt. Oh sure, the feelings were always there, but they were always controlled...metered...monitored. She is extremely weak...avoids people, and conflict, and relationships of all kind because those all, eventually, bring pain. Think beige...think wallpaper paste.

Lately I hear people describing me as intelligent, amazing, beautiful, strong, classy, sassy, creative. It boggles my mind. As the months have progressed the walls have not just been torn down, they have been obliterated. Which, I'm sure, in time I'll be able to see as a good thing. However, right now? I LONG for those walls...to run behind...and take a breather from the feelings...from this...living thing I'm supposed to be doing. Those walls held a virtual torrent of feelings...feelings that have been repressed for longer than I care to think about right now. And while I allowed the good ones to filter through during the years, and couldn't help but let some of the negative ones escape? Now? Now it is almost beyond overwhelming. It is a mind numbing, heart breaking, soul crushing flood of never ending grief. I am literally completely exhausted by 4:00 every single day. Accomplishing the simplest of tasks is like trying to reach the summit of Everest in an hour. I collapse in bed every night...and this morning I can safely say that when I got up, I couldn't even tell I had been asleep for the last 8 hours. And the depression that sets in at that time of day is horrendous.

I pulled up an article on Elizabeth Kubler Ross's stages of grief today. Wow...I hit that nail squarely on the head when I described what I was feeling as grief. I was assured that what I was feeling was ok...normal...and that it's ok to flip between said stages at will. Of course I also felt like I was smacked in the face with an ironing board when I read that this could last for months. And yet I have to keep fighting. I want to KNOW this Mel that others seem to see...to know...to embrace.

Which brings us to this time of year...my VERY favorite...please do read with heavy sarcasm.

August has always brought about it's own set of challenges...and irrational fears. August has always meant "Back To School". When I was a student I dreaded it. When I was a teacher I could barely function. And now that my girls are heading off to school? I find it almost crippling. I spoke about it last year...when Hope started Kindergarten. It is worse if that's possible this year, now that she'll be away from me all day long...and facing the distinct possibility that Claire will be in preschool two mornings a week. What I left out last year at this time was the why I feel this way. Very simply, and going with this Mel that other people see...the one who is strong enough to deal...for several years I was what would be called "inappropriately touched" by a male member of the faculty of the school I attended. I did what I had been told...reported it to my mother...my best friend. I was told by my mother that he wouldn't do something like that...he was a teacher. I was told by my best friend that she couldn't understand why he'd want to do that to me...it wasn't exactly like I was attractive or anything. He continued until *I* told him to stop. Explains a lot...doesn't it? So yeah...there it is...out for the world...or at least the few people who stumble in here to see.

My fear increases as Hope's enthusiasm for school to begin increases. She can't WAIT. And yes, I've taught her accordingly...she knows about what to do if someone touches her and she doesn't like it...she knows I will do something about it. This morning her excitement has reached fever pitch. She not only isn't listening to me anymore, she simply doesn't hear me. Claire is following her lead. I find myself repeating things over...and over...and over...with no results...ever. See? More invisiblity.

I'm afraid I've let my demons touch the lives of those I care the most about lately. I find myself repeating the same things over and over to adults now as well and I fear I am hurting you by making you think I don't trust you...or making you think I doubt what you have told me. I don't mean to push you away. I don't WANT to push you away. What I've done is gone back into survival mode. In the past that meant dealing with everything by myself...and it meant pushing people away before they could push me away. I pray that I can embrace this change and stop hurting those that mean the most to me before I lose y'all.

So what am I grieving? I suppose everything that I've ever lost...relationships...dreams...people. It's all in there. Some days it's just a dull ache that I can push through. Others, like today? My mind won't stop...and neither will the tears.

Again, I don't tell you this for kudos, or pats on the back. I do it because I have to get it OUT before it destroys me. Check the tagline...Because Blogging Is Cheaper Than Therapy. The aforementioned friend also shared a song with me that has been playing in my head just about non-stop for the last two weeks. I've spent many a very early morning lying in bed "listening" to it in my head. The lyrics can be found below...and the song can be found on my playlist at the bottom of the page.

Another pretty special friend recently compared me to a chrysalis...likening "New Mel" to the caterpillar who thought her life was over...when in fact...it was only changing into something more unbelievable, more intense, more beautiful than she could ever imagine. I am holding fast to that my friends. I am holding fast to becoming...Mel.

Be blessed y'all,

If Today Was Your Last Day

Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?

What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the price is always worth the fight

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try

So live like you're never living twice

Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories?

Would you forgive your enemies?

And would you find that one you're dreaming of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothing stand in your way

'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories?

Would you forgive your enemies?

And would you find that one you're dreaming of

Swear up and down to God above

That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

© ARM YOUR DILLO PUBLISHING INC; WARNER-TAMERLANE PUBLISHING CORP;

Soooo...I guess you've probably noticed a few changes around here. Nothing too drastic...I'm just dreadfully tired of playing around with the HTML of my old template. There are so many new and fun looking gadgets to try and they just didn't work with my old template...and I didn't have the time or energy to sit and play with the code until they did work. So I decided to simplify and go with one of the drag and drop templates that blogger offers. AND while some portions of it are much easier, some of it confounds me. So just bear with me and I'll get the hang of it eventually.

And let's not forget that I am THE perfectionist so I've already been into the HTML of the new, improved, easier to create blogger...and changed some of it to my tastes. I hope it works in your browser otherwise...you have my sympathies!

Change has been the theme around here for the last couple of months. Too much so if you asked me...wait...did you ask me? First we had Hope starting school, which she still loves by the way. Next came new socks. Why is that significant? Welllll...my girls have been wearing socks with "grippies" on the bottom since they came home from China. You know...the ones from Old Navy that say Old Navy on the bottom along with their size in rubberized letters to keep the kid from doing a header on the hardwood? It seems Hope has outgrown those and is now into "big girl" socks. I know...I'm nuts...but it bothered me. After that came the ceremonial removing of the protective bed rails on her bed. I had tears with that one. Getting rid of her crib was less traumatic to me. She looked so tiny lying there in the center of that bed...so open and unprotected. I went into our bedroom and cried...she fell asleep and hasn't fallen out of bed once.

Claire, who is still in the crib is growing like a weed and will be in need of her big girl bed shortly. We are tentatively setting the date for that big event for her third birthday in March. Here's praying that the whole process will go smoother than it did when it was Hope's turn. Don't remember any of that? Take a look at this post.

Out of all of these things I think the one that bothers me the most is the lavender lotion. Before Hope came home we chose this incredible smelling lavender lotion and baby wash for her. I used them in China, not only on Hope, but on myself as well, so that we would have something in common...something familiar...something to help form a bond between us. When we came home we continued to use them until she developed eczema and we needed a gentler soap and a richer lotion...and I cried...my baby didn't smell like my baby anymore! Fast forward to Claire...Garry took the famous lavender lotion and wash to China and used them on her as well. The day Hope and I went to the airport to pick them up, we had covered ourselves in the lotion...again...something to help her transition...something familiar. About a month ago we ran out of the lotion...and I can't find it anywhere. I went to every store I could think of and smelled all the other lavender baby lotions they have...nothing is even remotely close. It was devastatingly sad! That scent that has been so central in our lives since January 2004 is gone. Before I threw the bottle away Hope asked to smell it. She inhaled deeply and said, "That smells just like Claire!" Exactly...exactly. We have a new lavender lotion now...it smells good...but if I ever find the other brand...I'm buying several cases!

Until next time...hugs!