A Letter To Claire's Birth Mama

Dear Birth Mama,

I have been so angry at you...for so very long.  I don't know why you have had to bear the brunt of my anger.  I have certainly harbored no anger nor ill feelings towards my oldest daughter's birth mother.  But you...well...that's another story.

I think all of the negative aspects that I had to deal with concerning Claire's adoption just kind of packed themselves into a tight ball of hatred that lodged in my heart and I turned it all towards you.  The endless fights with the agency...the mix-up with our LID...the wait which just continued to get longer and longer...the fact I was not allowed to travel to China to bring her home.  That's her in the picture by the way.  It was snapped just moments after her Daddy held her for the first time...she was ten months old.  Do you see that smile?  He named her Claire.  Claire means clear, bright, and shining.  I chose her middle name, Yi Ming.  Yi meaning strength and grace.  And Ming?  Well...it means clear...bright...and shining.  After seeing her smile don't you think we made the right choice?

I was able to learn so much about my oldest daughter's life before I entered it.  We have pictures...and clothing...and a note from her birth mama.  For Claire?  We have nothing but the clothes she was wearing the day Daddy met her in China.  They were torn...and dirty...she was dirty...her fingernails and toenails overgrown and filthy...her little body was covered with scabies...and she was coughing so violently she was throwing up.  I have since heard that conditions at her SWI have improved greatly.

The director of the SWI at that time was unable or unwilling to share any information about what Claire's life was like while she lived there.  Again...nothing to share with her as she gets older.  What little we did learn was from the few legal papers we received.  It says you left her the day she was born.  How could you do that?  How could you just leave her...walk away from her...when she was just a few hours old?

She's ornery you know.  She is bright and funny and has a temper at least three times her size...and a stubborn streak like none I've ever seen.  She is a natural mama bear...she wants to take care of you when you're sad and make things better.  Apparently others have seen these traits in me.  She wants to help with everything.  She wants to know everything...do everything.  She lives each moment to the fullest.    She loves her sister...and they are typical sisters.  Holding hands, singing and giggling one moment, fighting, yelling and screaming the next.  She loves teddy bears, Barbie's, Disney movies, playing make believe, and going out to eat.  She is most definitely a girly girl...the diva.

She turned four this week.  On her previous birthdays I had but one thought towards you, "Do you even remember what today is?  Do you even care?"  Not so this year.  God has been doing a lot of work within my heart lately...or perhaps more to the point, I've been allowing God to work within my heart lately.  This year things were very different.  I know you had nothing to do with the agency or the LID mix-up or the director of the SWI or the conditions there or any of that.  I KNOW this.  I was told I'd have to wait six months for our baby...it ended up being fifteen.  People are now waiting four years.  Again, I know this isn't your fault...I allowed my hurt and my anger to cloud what was right...what was real.

As I was looking through the pictures of Claire taken while she was in China, trying to choose one for this letter, I was struck by yet another certainty.  As I sat here crying...and aching...and hurting...because I had missed a part of her life I should not have...not allowed to hold her...touch her...comfort her...make her feel better...I realized that for me, the wait was over.  I was able to see pictures of her, and talk to her on the phone, and know that within two weeks time I would be able to do all of those things I had been waiting so long to do.  And then I realized that when you laid her safely down, in a well populated area, and walked away from her that you would never have that.  Your wait is forever.  You will never hold her, or hear her laugh, or see pictures, or watch her grow.  How much greater must your heartache be?

I am so sorry...so very sorry for allowing my own hurts to usurp yours.  You were doing what has been done and has been an accepted practice for so very long.  Please forgive me for ever thinking you did not care about our daughter.

I have started telling her what very little I know about you...first and foremost...that you love her.  It is your blood running through her veins...your eyes staring back at me...your hair...your skin...her beauty is yours.  She is truly a combination of both of us.  And I promise that I will love her, cherish her, and fight to protect her until my last breath.

Thank you for the gift that is Claire,

Hey y'all...well...I truly and fervently hoped I would NEVER have to revisit this tired old rant...notice...RANT...leave now if you're only here for sweetness and light.

A few months ago, again, thinking I was done with "it", I went through each and every blog post and removed the name of the agency we used to facilitate both Hope and Claire's adoptions. Rationally I figured that having their name published in my blog might make someone think we endorsed their behavior...irrationally I was just hoping to avoid a lawsuit...actually I was dabbling in an ancient Egyptian practice. By removing an individual's (in this case agency's) name from all documents you are destroying their very existence and memory. If you've been reading for any length of time you know it wasn't a pleasant experience. If you're new and would like to be enveloped in the drama, do a search of my blog for this phrase: problems with the agency.

About this time last year I spoke of "battling some old demons". You can find that post here. As most demons do, they let me THINK I had won.

Our contract states that once Claire returns home from China we need to have two post placement visits with our social worker; one at six months and one at twelve. If we do not provide the agency with proof of Claire's citizenship before the twelve month report we have to have another post placement report every six months until citizenship is provided. SO! We were told by someone we trusted at the agency that it would take a long time to get Claire's citizenship since only one parent traveled. Yeah...I know...don't get me started on that. I was actually getting to the point where I was working on forgiving them for that. When we both traveled to bring Hope home her official citizenship arrived I think less than two weeks after returning home. Since only Garry went for Claire, she received a green card until we readopted her in Ohio. We were told that once we readopted, the birth certificate would be filed and then we would get her citizenship. THE AGENCY needs a GOOD COLOR COPY of that paper so they can send them to China. Well folks we didn't have the money to readopt her in 2007. Plain and simple. After two international adoptions and a slew of surprise medical bills it was all we could do to keep our heads above water. We worried about paying for an 18 month report, seeing as we had no official citizenship paper at the end of our 12 month report. Again, someone we trusted told us that we would surely have it BEFORE the 18 month report was due...don't worry. Famous last words.

When our wonderful, and I don't mean that sarcastically, she IS wonderful, social worker came in December of '07 for our 12 month report she told us that the agency had now changed the policy. She would have to come back at 24 months and at 36 months...this had nothing to do with the citizenship deal...she would also have to do another report on HOPE!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT?????????? At that point in time, Hope had been HOME for 47 months and we had been told by two different people at THE AGENCY that her file was closed. Here's a surprise. I freaked. My question was, "Ok...she had a 6 month report and a 12 month report...she's missed the *new* 2 and 3 year reports...so you want a FOUR year report for her?" Our social worker graciously brought this up with the agency staff...and they dropped their request for a report for Hope.

Garry calls the person at the agency whom we have worked with one on one through both adoptions. She won't return his calls. She has someone else in the department call him back. Nope, sorry...that doesn't work. I finally sent an email asking "if said person is still an employee of said adoption agency then kindly return our calls. We are only doing what YOU told us to do when we started this process and that was to deal ONLY with you." Said person called Garry within 20 minutes. She told him a lot of things that made us feel better...because we are so incredibly naive and wanted to believe we could still trust her...they were all false...and some were just out and out lies. The new 2 and 3 year reports were to be sent to China. They had to add them because they were now Hague Certified. (The new 2 and 3 year reports were not going to China. They were going to sit at the agency just in case China decided they wanted 2 and 3 year reports. AND they did NOT have their Hague Certification at THAT time or for the next 3-4 months.) We were told AGAIN that we didn't have to do an 18 month report. Just stop waiting for the citizenship paper to arrive and go get her a passport and send a copy of that.

Sooo...come March/April of last year we get a call from said agency saying we have to do an 18 month report...after being told twice we didn't. That means that in July of '08 we would've had to meet with our social worker again. I sent her an email telling her this. She knew nothing about it and said she had only been told about the new 2 and 3 year reports.

July of '08 came and went and we heard nothing from anyone. Figuring they had changed horses in midstream yet again we just forgot about it. We also assumed that the new 2 and 3 year reports were still in effect and we would be seeing our social worker again in December of '08. We received a letter from the agency telling us that we were now responsible for supplying an envelope and postage for our reports to be mailed in, and also for our social worker's mileage. This is all well and good...save for the paragraph in the contract stating they will NOT charge any other fees than what are set forth in the contract...oh wait...they broke that when they told us we couldn't travel as a family unless we paid another $1500 to take Hope...and another $1500 to bring someone ELSE along to take care of Hope. Sorry...I digress.

December of '08 came and went...still nothing from the agency about the new 2 year post placement report. Then...on Friday, January 2nd there was a letter in the mailbox from THE AGENCY. As I was walking up the driveway I started to open it and actually said aloud, "I'm not going to like this, am I?" If only I had known. What I read angered me so greatly I was actually shaking...perhaps QUAKING would be a better term. There was an invoice stating we owed them $300+ to pay for our 24 month post placement because we hadn't yet provided them with proof of Claire's citizenship. I really and truly think the top of my head actually blew off. I had sent a copy of her passport to the agency at the very least, two months before receiving that letter. Garry called and was told by THIS person that she'd need to see this letter...she knew nothing about it...even though it had her number at the bottom of it to call with questions. She said she was LOOKING at the copy of the passport I had sent her so she has no clue as to why that letter was sent. Oh...wait...you never did your 18 month report. That's when I think the top of Garry's head blew off. She actually ADMITTED, "Oh...I guess that one must've slipped between the cracks." Yes my friends...insert your own sarcastic comment here. She told us we'd have to do an 18 month report...even though it would be 6 months late. But she would try VERY hard to see if we could get the fee waived. Garry told her as nicely as possible that it didn't matter what they decided. We had no problem seeing our social worker again but we would NOT be giving them another red cent of our money. We were done paying for their mistakes and we were done doing their jobs for them.

So, our 18 month report, 6 months late, is scheduled for the 22nd of this month...the two year anniversary of Claire's Gotcha Day. And no, we aren't paying anything for it. And if things weren't already confusing enough to make your head explode, listen to this one. Our social worker asked waaaaaaaaaay back when, after I had told her about the 18 month report, if it would be required and was told...are you ready? Sure? Wait for it..."Don't worry about it. Just plan on doing one at 24 months."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Did I mention the NEW 2 and 3 year reports are suddenly no longer required? Or that Garry did some checking on his own and found out that we would NEVER be getting the citizenship paper unless we wanted to REQUEST it personally and pay another $400? The U.S. Government is well and truly satisfied that she's a legal citizen once she has an Ohio birth certificate. Just another fact that was skimmed over in our years of dealings with THE AGENCY.

If you're still reading...and you are ever thinking about going through this process...PLEASE learn from our mistakes. PLEASE document each and every conversation, promise, "fact" that you are given. Don't be naive and think everyone you encounter is going to be professional. Protect your back.

I am NOT angry with, nor am I blaming the agency for the LID mix up. That was NOT their fault nor did they have anything to do with it. The sad fact is, it appears it may be happening again with CCAA. Nor do I hold anyone there responsible for the HUGE increase in wait time. Again they have nothing to do with that. I am holding them responsible for one giant mess after the other. And yes, I have several people that won't talk to me at all because I would DARE say anything bad about this wonderful place and these wonderful people (that was sarcasm by the way). I am thrilled beyond belief that this place has happy, satisfied clients. I wouldn't wish this nightmare we've been living now since...2002?...on my worst enemies. And no...I don't have my daughter's because of these people...I have my beautiful children IN SPITE OF these people. I mean...folks? What else have they forgotten...or lost...or hidden...or lied about? Is someone going to come to my door and tell me that my girls AREN'T my children? Will someone be taking them away from me? Wouldn't you say that's a pretty valid fear?

Again...I was just coming to the point where I could forgive a LOT of it. I guess God obviously isn't done dealing with me over this yet. Still...the one thing I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to forgive is them not calling us when our referral came in. How could they NOT know that after waiting all those months that we wouldn't want to know as soon as they had Claire's file? And when we asked we were told, "Well we knew you were coming in tonight to take pictures. That was just one less call we needed to make." So 6 other families had their daughters' pictures and files by 9 a.m. yet the 7th family could just wait until "tonight". Sorry...that smacks of punishment to me...for all the times we asked them not to call us unless it was important. We don't want to be called every time they are having a party...or there are tickets for agency night at the Tribe game etc.

And...in case you're wondering if we like to stir the pot...the answer is a GIANT no. Especially in this case. We were NO different during the wait this time than we were with Hope's wait. We didn't bother them...we didn't call once a month asking if they'd heard anything...we didn't berate anyone for screwing up...and hey...THAT was a hard one! ") But the difference this time was literally the difference between receiving our daughter or NOT receiving our daughter! If you haven't read it yet, read this post for an explanation. There was NOTHING we were going to do to rock the boat on Claire's adoption...NOTHING!

Our precious social worker, in her quiet, calm, and soothing way has said, "Just think! This will be the last one!" I wish I could have the faith in people that she does.

Rant #1 of 2009 is now complete. I feel better. Thanks for hanging in there with me!

Still nothing...

And Sandy...I'm not going to call and ask! ")

Let me clarify my emotions for y'all if I can...I am NOT sad. I am not even close to sad! After 23 full months of angst and false starts and disappointments I am about as far away from sad as I can get! My emotions are all over the place, but they are all positive!

I am also having a few little nagging doubts...you know...everyone else got their referrals but we didn't get ours...or our LID has changed yet again. Those kinds of things...

Someone from the agency will call when the referrals are ready to be picked up...and not before! For me, I really don't think it would help knowing that they were there and I couldn't do anything about it! LOL

Cheri, thanks for the sweet, sweet comments about our family in your blog. I know the torture you are going through...waiting and watching each and every month only to be met with disappointment. Your turn will come and I pray that it comes VERY SOON! Once you are holding *your* precious Hope in your arms, you will know just why you had to wait so long. You still won't *LIKE* that you had to wait so long, but you'll understand! ")

Mmmmm...spooky cheese fingers...

No, I didn't go through with my threat to go postal. These little morsels are what Hope took to her preschool Halloween party. I made them with my own two hands...and *my* fingers are still intact!

Well, there aren't any rumors out there so I have nothing to share on that account.

Apparently there were eight agencies involved in the "Great CCAA LID Mix-Up". I give our agency credit. They informed us that we were switched last January. Other folks from other agencies weren't told until they didn't receive their referrals when they thought they were coming. What a nightmare. And also apparently, we were not just added to the September group, we *became* the September group...while they became the August group. According to members of the original September and now August group, they were not told that their LID's had been switched. The agency didn't want to have to call them back and tell them that they had been switched back again should CCAA have decided to correct the error.

SO, moving on...congrats to the new families...and I'm ready to see my baby!

Another word or two...or fifty about adoption agencies. I've been doing a lot of reading online lately and for the life of me, I don't understand how ANY of these agencies stay in business. Some sound slightly better than ours, and others sound grossly worse. There are people out there going through grander ordeals than we are. Some are being denied at the very last minute...when they are expecting their referral. Some are living and dying by when the next referrals come out.

At this point I don't care. I just want my baby. As one waiting parent put it, "I'm not getting on that roller coaster again. I'm just going to stand on the side and watch what happens." Amen sister. I want to be able to say, "We're next!" and know that's true.

Until next time...

P.S. In case you are wondering I am hopelessly caught up in the phenomenon that is "Dancing With The Stars". And yes...I cast all my votes for Emmitt and Cheryl!

And the joy just continues...

Well, after my cry this morning I called Garry and told him the news. He was as thrilled as I was obviously. I then shoved a Twix bar into my mouth and turned on Joyce Meyer. As usual, God was using her to speak directly to my situation. I was reminded that in life there are going to be times of joy AND times of sorrow, but God always has my back. It is MY job to stop acting like a whiny brat and go on with my life and trust HIM to do what is right. I did some seriously loud sobbing, and then my day really turned around...for awhile. I even vowed to write a best seller titled, "God & Chocolate".

The phone rang this morning and it was our social worker. Remember I said we had to redo our I600A? Garry sent all of that in to USCIS in Cleveland and they promptly sent it all back because we hadn't included the fee for fingerprints. Garry found the amendment to our current I171H that clearly states that our fingerprints are good until November 2007, copied it, and sent everything back to them. So far so good. They also need an update from our social worker, which brings me to her call this morning. Apparently someone from the agency called her today and wanted to know where the update was. She knew nothing about it. Apparently they sent her an email and she never got it. I don't know...is it just me or isn't that something important enough to pick up the phone for in the first place? Whatever, it's taken care of now.

Garry then called Chris at the agency to see what's up with our LID. Here's where the fun really begins. The agency did receive referrals today...not for our group though...for the group AFTER us. Yes, our dossiers were sent to China on August 9th, 2005 and logged in on August 25th, 2005. Their's went over later in August and were logged in on September 5th, 2005. Apparently the mix-up was complete in that ours are now September 5th, and theirs are August 25th.

He also questioned her about USCIS returning our packet and refingerprinting. Get this...every USCIS office does it differently...EVEN WITHIN THE SAME STATE. Depending on what Cleveland does, we may have to PAY THEM AGAIN and HAVE OUR FINGERPRINTS TAKEN YET AGAIN EVEN THOUGH WE JUST WENT THROUGH THIS IN AUGUST!!!!!

Fury best describes how I'm feeling...so does depressed...sad and angry work too...and I've even managed to whip out a dark laugh. I'm tired...soooo very tired. I don't want to feel like this. My spirit knows that God is behind this and He knows best. My flesh just wants to yell, scream, and make somebody else hurt like I do right now.

Why is this happening? I don't get it...I really don't get it. I just want to see my baby's face...please God...soon?

The cut off date is now posted at CCAA's website. It is August 25, 2005.

Since we haven't received a call from anyone at the agency I can only assume that August 25th is truly NOT our LID.

Here's praying that they'll make it through September 5th in the next batch of referrals...whenever that my be.

I'm going to go cry now.

More disjointed ramblings from a waiting parent...

I am beyond insane...simply beyond it...and not in a GOOD way! On a happy, well, maybe not...maybe INTERESTING note, the last referral cutoff was August 9th, 2005. That was the date that our dossier was sent to China.

I have come to rely on the rumors now. Whereas before I found them irritating, now as we get closer and closer I find them NECESSARY to get through the day. The latest are certainly interesting. Supposedly referrals are coming out next week and the cutoff will be August 23-24, 2005. Remember our first LID? AUGUST 25, 2005. There is also a new one saying that all of us with messed up LID's will be taken in the order that our files were RECEIVED and not logged in. Hey, it's a long shot but at least it's positive. Either way I'd like to think that if we aren't included in this batch that they could include BOTH of our LID's in next month's group.

We are more than ready to be finished, done, completed, through etc. with THE AGENCY. I don't want to go into a long diatribe about this agency...there are many, MANY satisfied current and former clients... but after almost two years in the program this time, we've just seen, heard, and witnessed too many things that shouldn't be going on. First and foremost is the "cloak and dagger" attitude. Client "A" calls agency Contact "1", asks a question, gets a response. Client "B" calls agency Contact "2", asks the same question, gets a DIFFERENT response. Client "C" calls agency Contact "3", asks the same question, gets yet another response. Client "A" calls agency Contact "1" again to find out what's going on and is told yet a fourth different response. You get the idea...and it usually all happens within the same day. Other agencies post helpful hints on the wait etc. on their websites...they post any information they have about when referrals are coming/updates on the wait etc. We get the "It's a secret and don't tell anyone I told you..." treatment. No, wait, to be fair, that was what we got when we were waiting for Hope. This time it's all been, "Don't get your hopes up. Don't believe the rumors." And my personal favorite for which I may just go postal, "Once you have that baby in your arms all of this will be forgotten!" Ummm...right...you really do think I'm *that* stupid.

It looks like our Holy Grail I171-H is going to expire before we have our consulate appointment in Guangzhou. So here we go again! Dena, our social worker is updating our homestudy. Garry filled out another I600-A last night and wrote the check. We need certified copies of our birth certificates (again) and our marriage certificate (again). Total cost to re-do this stuff...around $700. Again, I am beyond insane. I'm not even nice anymore...if I ever was to begin with!

Our family recently came through a real test. Our lives were filled with anger, sadness, and fear. God brought us out of it with peace and light and hope. I know if I can just put this STUFF with the agency in proper perspective, He will certainly bring us through this as well. I also know that I want my baby.

Baby number one is an amazing creature. She started preschool last month with a flourish. I cried of course. Daddy had an upset stomach. Hopie ran off into her classroom without so much as a wave over her shoulder! LOL She can't wait to get there, she loves her teachers, she talks about all of the children every day...and this week the bottom has completely fallen out. On Tuesday she screamed bloody murder that she wasn't going and I barely got her there. Today was better but she tizzed out once we got there. I'll be darned if I know what's going on. I've talked to her teacher...and Garry and I have both talked to Hopie. We're at a loss right now to help our precious angel. The only thing Garry and I can think of is she went absolutely, completely insane last October too. Maybe it's cyclical for her! Let's just pray that Claire's month to go nuts is different from her sister's!

Oh! My weight! You remember I was hoping to lose 10 pounds before Hope started school. I didn't, but I was halfway there! I continue to work on it and am doing well. My clothes already look and FEEL a lot better. Still nothing drastic...I'm aiming to get to the low 130's and maintain. Garry is going great guns! He weighed himself this morning and has lost 11 pounds! Does my husband rock or what? ")

Claire's room looks like it is ready for her! (Just don't open the closet!) It gets cleaned just like the other rooms do now but I can't bear to go in there to organize clothes or toys yet...not until I know what her little face looks like.

And so that's where we are! Don't get me wrong, we have more positive up days than not...today is just a very down day. God will do what He does best and I just have to let Him do it!

Blessings y'all!

And now...for the disorganized ramblings of a waiting parent...

We were on cloud nine here at The Family Homestead last week for a couple of days. The rumor was that CCAA was working hard to catch up and make the wait for referral 12 months. The next batch of referrals were to contain the rest of July 2005 and all of August 2005. We were GIDDY I tell you! I mean, even with the LID mess, that would've meant that we would receive our Claire's picture and information in either that batch or the very next one.

HA! So much for giddy! Referrals came out last week...on a good note, EARLIER than everyone had expected. On a silly ridiculous note, they only included seven working days worth of matches. No "official" cut-off date has been published however, it seems that in the last 3-4 weeks they've only moved from July 13, 2005-July 22, 2005. Want to hear something insane? I laughed. Yes...laughed. I mean, how much more proof do I need that God is orchestrating this whole thing? SEVEN DAYS? HILARIOUS! I get it...I really do...Claire isn't ready yet...but could you just hurry her up a little bit? ; )

Sadness sets in when I think about when the referral might come. Yes, I still hold out hope that they are going to catch up. However, if we don't receive our referral by mid-October at the latest, there is very little chance of having her here with us for Christmas. We have a little porcelain ornament from last Christmas which I have hanging on our fridge. It says, "Waiting For Claire 2005". I think I'm going to have to pull out one of my pigma pens and add 2006 as well.

We were refingerprinted on August 10th. We received our updated I 171-H (The Holy Grail of All International Adoption Documents) on the 19th! Seriously...I almost passed out. That turnaround is UNHEARD of! Now, if we could just get the CCAA moving! ")

Because...our I 171-H expires in mid-December. If we aren't back in the US with Claire by then, we have to spend more money, update paperwork, file more forms, visit our social worker...you get the idea.

Hope starts preschool next month. With the added stress of the extended wait for Claire, and trying to be upbeat about being separated from my OTHER baby I have, well, extended MY weight. Eating everything that doesn't eat me first doesn't seem to be the healthiest coping mechanism OR a good example for my girls. SO! I've been busy doing extra workouts, skipping dessert, and limiting portions. I'm doing very well, no eating disorder danger signs. I'm down three pounds and I plan to lose seven more before preschool starts. Again, nothing drastic. It was just very depressing that I couldn't fit into some of the shorts I had gotten at the beginning of THIS summer.

I finished the text for Hope's lifebook and we have been working on putting it together all this week. She's really enjoying playing with the pictures and stickers. I'm really enjoying seeing it come together. It is turning into a real work of art...but more importantly, it is going to be an invaluable tool for her AND us as she deals with where she came from.

Garry and Hope put up Claire's crib last weekend. I've yet to do anything other than clean it. I'll get busy this week...I promise! :)

Y'all take care...

Still nothing to report officially.

Garry talked to Chris at the agency last week. She said that CCAA was going to update their website that week. They didn't. My best guess? The computers are all screwed up with the move. Isn't it so cute how I can come up with a logical explanation?! Creating order out of chaos...that's me...Super Mel.

Let's see...Garry asked Chris about our LID. Oh my friends, good news simply ABOUNDS! Depending on which reviewer at the CCAA she talks to...who knows? One told her it was August 25th, 2005, and another told her it was September 5th, 2005. So, we don't know and we WON'T know until somebody from the agency calls us and tells us we have a baby.

Our CIS fingerprints are going to expire. I am beyond thrilled (read with HEAVY sarcasm) at this. When we turned in our final paperwork I put this little note on the fridge that said something like, "CIS fingerprints expire August 31, 2006. Call in May of 2006 to reschedule and notify the agency of the date." I remember laughing and saying to Garry, "We won't need to worry about this!" HA!

The fur has FINALLY started to fly on the Yahoo boards concerning our agency's new travel policy. Apparently there are some other folks who feel as if they've been taken advantage of just like we do. I can't say that it's going to change the situation, but it kind of makes me feel better. At least now I KNOW that it's not just us. Some of these folks are coming up with some verrrrry creative ways to get around the new policy. I am watching with great interest!

So, in the last post I told you that I had told God that I couldn't do this anymore. Still feel that way...still true. This week, He reminded me that several months ago I told Him that I didn't THINK I could do it anymore. His answer this time, was the same as several months ago. He said, "If you could hold Horatio and comfort him while he passed, then you can get through this wait." I know He's right...I know it...but it is just so incredibly frustrating. Everyone is trying to apply logic and rules and mathematical principals where there AREN'T any!

A million and twelve thanks to Jeannie, who called me last night to reschedule my dentist appointment. She told me her computer had crashed and wanted to know if we had any news of Claire yet. When I told her no she said, "Then we'll just keep praying."

Another million and twelve go out to Sandy, a member of our first travel group. She read the last post and emailed me letting me know that our wait this time was extremely similar to their wait for their first daughter, Zoe. She said, "After the going nuts stage, I just kind of checked out…coasted in a fog." I am SO there now friends. Coasting in a fog is the way to go.

And thanks to each and every person who reads this and "listens" to me whine. I know there are a lot of you who check in every now and then and although you may not let me know, I know you are praying...it means the world to all of us.

On a happier note...while running errands this weekend we were inundated with "signs". The Disney Store was filled with new baby items sporting Dumbo and Timothy on them...we bought several to add to the stuffed Dumbo we had already purchased for Claire. AND, it seemed that no matter where we were, the lullaby I have chosen for Claire, "Baby Mine", was playing somewhere in the background. Yes, people in Target and Toys-R-Us probably wondered what I was bawling about, but you know what? Who cares?! Let them wonder!

Can you even freakin' believe this? ANOTHER OFFICIAL UPDATE! What is this...like the fourth one since April? I'm starting to get really antsy!


The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before September 30, 2005.

The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before June 28, 2005


We still don't know what our LID is. The agency had two June groups, one July group, one August group, and at least one September group. SO! Looking at it that way...both June groups are out of the way. The first is already home with their new babies and the other June group leaves for China in early July. If they use our August LID then we only have ONE MORE group from our agency ahead of us!!! Hey, even the September LID means there are only two more groups ahead of us. Of course I'm not counting all of the other agency groups all over the world who are waiting as well. DENIAL SPRINGS ETERNAL!

And no...for those of you who are wondering...no one at the agency has ever responded to our letter over the new travel policy. Although they have called me to let me know that there were plenty of tickets left over for THEIR night at Jacob's Field. You can't make this stuff up folks!

Until next time...

Finally! An official update! This means that no matter *what* LID they are using our dossier has made it through the review process! YAY!

The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before September 30, 2005.

The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before June 6, 2005.

Nothing really new to report. My last post was on March 24th...today is April 14th...you do the math! ")

Here is the latest posting at the CCAA's website:

The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before August 31, 2005.

The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before May 30, 2005.

As you can see they have not yet completed the May referrals and in the time since my last post they have completed 4 days worth of referrals.

This sounds horrifically slow I know...and you should read some of the posts at several Yahoo groups from people who aren't waiting so patiently. Again, I remind you, and I was told this just this week from someone who is in contact with CCAA...just ONE of those days had over 300 referrals.

*Things to remember before I complain about the wait for Claire...

1) There are people who have waited five years for their first child...and three years for their second.

2) The CCAA and The People's Republic of China are *NOT* baby factories. You just don't "put in an order" and have your baby pulled from a ready inventory. There are REAL people involved and we ALL need to be cognizant of that.

3) The influx of people wanting to adopt from China means one thing...that there are less children living their lives in orphanages and more living with forever families. Thank you God.

4) The birth parents. Take a moment to think about what they are going through. These are good people. They are not indifferent, evil, or immoral ...they are simply doing what their government and their culture has taught them and forced them to do for years. You can't tell me that a cruel and heartless person would place their baby near an orphanage...or a police station...or at the gates of an elementary school...or in front of a hotel...or in a busy shopping area...or any one of hundreds of other crowded places. These parents WANT their children to be found and taken care of. You also can't tell me that either one of my daughters' birth mothers wasn't somewhere close by watching and waiting to be sure that her girl was picked up and watched over. You also can't tell me that her heart wasn't being shredded into bits.

And while I'm at it, I've gotten WAY too involved with those Yahoo groups again. They are doing nothing but upsetting, angering, and discouraging me. Reading rumors may help some waiting families pass the time but not this one! Did you know that there is even a site that does nothing but list all of the current rumors concerning Chinese adoption? And yes, before you flame me I know a lot of people find comfort in reading ANY information. I'm happy that there are such sites for them...for me...I'll be avoiding them!

The agency still doesn't know when our true LID is. CCAA has finally admitted to making a mistake but no one knows if they have corrected or are willing to correct it.

When we were told to expect our referral in February, well, I wanted so hard to believe it...but I knew in my heart of hearts that it wasn't going to happen. Quite often I get gut feelings...intuition...messages from God...wishful thinking...call them what you will. Obviously our Claire is not ready for us yet and though that brings small comfort we have to hang on to that. I truly believe that Claire will be with us before the end of the year. I also believe that she will be with us near the end of summer or early fall.

Y'all take care and have a Blessed Passover and Easter!

*Thanks to posters at several of the Yahoo groups for the info and opinions expressed in numbers one and three.

UPDATE...RUMORS

Egads. There are so many of them out there and so many of them are RIDICULOUS! And of course most are followed by some bit of information saying that this HAS to be true because blah, blah, blah.

Just to share a few...

1) The September files have already been reviewed as well and are in The Matching Room.

2) CCAA is trying to slow things down so that you must wait a year from the time your file is logged in.

3) The next batch of referrals will come out in the next week or so and will still not include all of May.

4) The next batch of referrals will come out in the next week or so and will include the first part of June.

5) The number of dossiers received by CCAA in May of 2005, and also June of 2005, were three times more than what they usually receive. This is why things have slowed so drastically.

Ok, and this really isn't a rumor but just so you have some idea...when we were called and told that our LID was entered incorrectly Chris said that the folks at CCAA weren't really in a hurry to "get in there", meaning the computer system, and change the LID's on 1200 files. Now, I took that to mean that there were 600 files for August 25th, and 600 more for September 5th. In any case, that's 1200 people just for THOSE TWO DATES ALONE waiting for a baby from China. NOW do you see why it takes so long? ")

UPDATE...ADOPTION

This is official and straight from the CCAA's website:

The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before August 31, 2005.

The CCAA has finished the placement of children for the families whose adoption application documents were registered with our office before May 25, 2005.

What does this mean? It means that if our first LID of August 25, 2005 has been reinstated, then our file has been reviewed and found to be OK! It has moved into The Matching Room where once it is our turn, we will be matched with Claire. If we are still going with our second LID, which was September 5th, then our file is still in The Review Room where files are reviewed to make sure they are complete. If there are any questions about any of the information, our agency will be contacted to clarify whatever needs clarified. In any case, at least we are getting closer!

What else does this mean? Well, it means that things are moving painfully slow. The CCAA is still working on matching people with LID's from May of 2005. They'll need to match the rest of May, June, July, and probably August before they get to us.

Put your faith in what you most believe in
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see...*

Details...on Thursday February 16th we, and every other set of parents waiting for their referrals from our agency's China program, no matter how far along they were in the process, received a "happy little letter". I won't bore you with the details but some of the questions were things like, "Why do you want to travel to China?" "Why did you choose China?" Also outlined in this happy little letter were the agency's new policies for traveling to China.

The travel groups have become too large with too many extra family members/friends traveling. This was not mentioned in the letter. Zhou is overburdened in China trying to keep track of groups with over 40 members. This was not mentioned in the letter. There has been an influx of parents taking their other children to China and not using wise parenting strategies...this is as nicely as I can put it. This was not mentioned in the letter.

What was mentioned in the letter was that if you want to take a child under the age of 10 with you, another adult (other than the parents) must travel with you to take care of that child. This is going to keep the size of the groups down...how? For each additional person that travels, including your child, you must pay $75 per day per person which adds up to roughly $1500 per person due BEFORE leaving for China. By the way, no one at at the agency seems to be able to explain where this extra money is going or what it will be used for. Oh, this happy little letter was just so perky! Little exclamation points everywhere and kind genteel phrases about how this was ultimately to "keep the focus on the girls". Well folks, just because you put cute little exclamation points everywhere and ask seemingly innocuous and absurd questions, makes it no less cruel. And believe me, that's exactly what it is. The whole thing reeks of cruelty and betrayal. Our family and many others are in the same position. They have no one to leave their children with when they travel to China and/or no other "required extra person" to travel with them. Are we angry? You had better believe it. Are we hurt. Absolutely. Truthfully, the only thing I can think of that would've been any crueler would have been for them to stop us at the airport before boarding our plane to China and handing us the happy little letter. There were rumors in the wind of this several months ago. We were told, and I quote, "Your little group of three is safe and always has been." So much for assurances. I wrote the agency's director a letter...no complaining, no anger, just common sense and reason. The letter was sent signature required so we know that she has received it. We have received no reply. Another member of our travel group called and asked that said director return her call. That was two weeks ago and the call has not been returned. If this is the way that at least two of us are being treated, you can bet it doesn't stop there either. Others have contacted lawyers...I just pray that it doesn't affect anyone's referral.

Raise your head up
Lift high the load
Take strength from those that need you...*

Some of the best advice I received out of all of this came from my surgeon. She looked at me and said, "Get enough rest...eat...take a walk every day...don't let this stress you out. You're going to have a new baby to take care of." Amen. By Wednesday of this week I'd had enough. Every time I'd walk by that stupid letter staring at me on the kitchen counter it would make my stomach churn. That agency does not control my life now or ever. I signed the stupid thing and told Garry to do the same. The goal now is to get Claire home any way we can and as soon as we can so we can put THE AGENCY as far behind us as possible. My one act of true defiance? I refused to answer any of their inane questions. I signed the thing saying I understood and agreed to their ridiculous terms. If that's not enough I'll just open a vein for them. Once the letter went out in the mail an incredible strength, determination, and feeling of peace enveloped me. Thank you God.

No words describe a mother's tears
No words can heal a broken heart
A dream is gone, but where there's hope

Somewhere something is calling for you
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see...

The last couple of weeks have not been fun to say the least. As I stated in my earlier post sleep was the impossible dream and to say that I thought about this whole mess 24 hours a day is not an exaggeration. I'm down to about 8 hours a day now! ; ) It took a toll on my weight too. I know...I know...give me a break! I'm down about 10 pounds but it's coming back slowly. I just watched the video from Hope's birthday party and I look remarkably normal! I'm amazed because that was only two days after the happy little letter arrived! Another...thank you God!

Three different people have offered to watch Hope while we go to China and one even offered to travel to China with us so Hope could go. (Thank you Helen...you are the best.) I'd like to say that we will be taking one of these people up on their offers but as it looks right now, we won't. What this mess has forced us to do, and pardon my language but it's the only phrase I can think of that fits, is sac up and be the parents that we claim to be. It's time to focus on what's best for BOTH girls and not just some romantic notion of what we think it's supposed to be like. Hope is three and yes, she was born in China but she has been raised in America. The girl won't put anything Chinese in her mouth...the only rice the kid eats is the spicy kind from the Mexican restaurants! The flight, trip, and emotions were grueling and confusing for the two of us...how much more so will that be for my precious baby girl? We were both so worn out when we arrived home with Hope. I literally couldn't get off of the bed that first night to help Garry take care of her...and Garry had had NO sleep whatsoever during our almost 24 hours in the air. Who is going to take care of TWO babies after the long trip? The answer is...me. I will stay home with Hope while Garry travels to China to get Claire. Problems solved. As soon as we discussed it sleep returned and I was able to eat again. I would say that's a resounding endorsement from God by allowing my peace to return.

Am I going to miss the great shopping in Guangzhou? Absolutely. Am I going to miss taking 100's and 100's of pictures with my new camera that we bought specifically for this trip? Absolutely. Am I going to miss waiting for the baby van to arrive? Absolutely. Am I going to miss seeing my baby for the first time in her home country? Absolutely. Is my heart breaking that I'm going to have to wait another 10 days to 2 weeks before I can hold her? Absolutely. Do I feel as if I've been asked to miss the birth of my own child? Can I even think about it without crying? I think you already know the answer. But let's face it. God knows what He is doing. It's time to give Him something I *want* and see what miracles He has in store for me. And as hard as that first trip was, I was looking forward to going back. He hasn't asked me to give Claire up, only to be patient for a little longer. Oh, I still waffle a bit and I pay for it. This week I was thinking, "Well, maybe we will leave Hope at home while Garry and I go." In a voice as clear as a bell I heard Him say, "Look Melissa...do you want what I have for you or not?" I do. I truly do. Am I happy about it. Not yet, but I'm working on accepting it.

Every moment now the bond
grows stronger
Two worlds, one family
Trust your heart
Let fate decide
To guide these lives we see...*

So once again we are looking towards receiving our referral with joy. CCAA has continued to get slower and slower. They have finished matching babies to parents with LID's up to May 25th. Did I mention they will be moving to a new building? More delays. The agency told us that our LID may have been corrected but they don't know for sure. So, depending on which of our LID's they use...August 25th or September 5th...we don't expect to hear any good news until late May or early June. But you know what? Everything is all going to work out for the best! God has a plan for us in all of this. All we have to do is have faith and let Him work.

Blessings to y'all!

*All italicized lyrics from the song "Two Worlds" written by Phil Collins
This song can be found at the bottom of the page...give it a listen.

Thank you Carol for buying me this CD for Christmas! I can't tell you just how much this song has meant to me the last couple of weeks!

We are broken. We are bloodied. We hurt. But we are not beaten and we will never be defeated.

This last week was one of the hardest we have ever lived through. Our precious Horatio passed quietly in my arms on Saturday the 28th. He had been hospitalized all of that week and was sent home on Friday the 27th in hopes that being home would help him improve. It did not. Sadly, I had not seen the Horatio I had grown to love so much since we visited him at the hospital on Sunday the 22nd. I now know why I fell so in love with him so quickly...he was only going to be with us for a very short time. He was with us for 1 year and 5 months out of his 1 year and 9 month lifespan. He touched everyone's life that he came in contact with. He was truly the kindest, sweetest, gentlest soul I have ever known. He was obviously placed into our lives for a purpose and having completed his task, he was called home.

Secondly, and only slightly less disheartening, we received a call from EAC last week telling us that CCAA had made a clerical error. Although our true LID is August 25th, we've been logged in with a September 5th date. They are trying their hardest to get CCAA to correct the error but things don't look favorable. What does this mean? Well...the CCAA website says they've now matched babies to families with LID's up to May 13th. They are now on vacation for Chinese New Year. Taking that into account I can't imagine that they would get anywhere near an August LID until April or May...let alone our *new* September LID. And so...we continue to wait.

But, as always, God in His wisdom knows best. He never puts us through more than we can bear without reaching out and holding us gently in the palm of His hand. Apparently Claire isn't ready for us yet. Or perhaps we need this delay so that we can go back to Anhui again. Only God knows...and frankly...I like it that way.

As dismal as Saturday was, God placed one of the brightest moments of joy into my life. First of all, it was close to 60 degrees here and SUNNY. That in and of itself is a miracle for January 28th in Ohio. When Hope went down for her nap I did the dreaded empty all the meds in the toilet, mop the floor where he had his last accident, empty his food and water bowl etc. tasks. It looked so beautiful outside it was fairly beckoning me to come outside and take a walk. A chance to walk in the sunshine and clear my head sounded wonderful. Garry made me promise to come home…and off I went. About two blocks from home out of absolutely nowhere, this giant black and white cat literally bowled me over. I have never seen this cat before and believe me, Hope and I know ALL the kitties on our walking route! As I was sitting there on the cold sidewalk this cat jumped up on my knee and rubbed me the exact same way that Horatio did the first time I held him. This angel kitty also purred just like Horatio did before he got so sick. And, possibly the one that got to me the most…this kitty smelled like Horatio. I sat there for a good long time savoring each and every moment and smiling all the way down into my heart. I know without a doubt that Horatio is in Heaven and is absolutely happy, healthy, and WHOLE.

Lastly, yesterday marked yet another joyous occasion. Two years ago yesterday, my baby girl was placed into my arms for the first time. Thank you God.

And, so you see...

We are broken. We are bloodied. We hurt. But we are not beaten and we will never be defeated.