Gotcha Day...Number 6!!!

Yeah...I know.  I can't believe it either.  Six years ago today a gorgeous eleven month old bundle of quiet calm was placed in my arms and life has never been the same.  And by the way?  She's no longer quiet OR calm...gorgeous is a given.  ")

As I always have in these matters...and have taken more heat for this than you can imagine...I let my girls dictate what we do and don't do concerning the topic of adoption and Chinese culture.  This is not to say that we ignore either of those things.  Our home is filled with videos, books, pictures, items etc. that are all things China and/or adoption.  Claire is just beginning to show the slightest of interest.  This week I started talking to her about where she used to live and what her name used to be.  She's beyond engrossed in the story.  The more she asks, the more information I will give her.  Hope wanted to know much, much earlier and then right around the age of three didn't want any part of it.  She even told me she wasn't Chinese.  That all went away as soon as she had a baby sister from China.  We go with it people.  Maybe my girls have or never will give it another thought...or maybe they will still be processing these feelings well into their adult lives.  I have no way of knowing.  For now?  I do what works for us.

On Wednesday evening this week, Hope asked if she could take a treat in to share with her class to celebrate Gotcha Day.  I was floored but completely comfortable with it.  I emailed her teacher who said that would be wonderful!  She also asked if I would send in pictures and they would have a Gotcha Day celebration.  So this morning I filled Hope's backpack with some mini Hershey bars (yum), some pictures from her Gotcha Day and her lifebook.  (For those of you not familiar with the concept of a lifebook you can read about them here.)  Oh...I can hear you screaming already.

First off?  Hope's teacher is an adoptive mother.  She gets it.  Secondly?  Hope wanted to take her lifebook and we talked about things that were ok to share.  Finally?  I told her teacher to use what details she thought were appropriate.  And no, this isn't the original.  That is safely on the shelf in my office/studio.  This is Hope's well loved, dog eared, twice bound copy that she has read at least 347 times.  Again, her choice...but with Mama's guidance.  Ok?

What else?  Well, she asked me if I would bake her some brownies which are now cooling on the island.  She wants Daddy to make her some "Pigs In A Spud".  These are like twice baked potatoes with a hot dog inside.  The kid would eat hot dogs 24/7.  We had a minor glitch there when Daddy had to go out of town and it looked like he wasn't going to be home in time to celebrate Gotcha Day, let alone make dinner.  Things have been rearranged, he is currently in the air on his way home, and should be home by five.  Say a prayer or two please!  The only other Gotcha Day he's missed was when he was in China to bring Claire home.  Hope informed me at the time, that that was the only acceptable excuse for missing her Gotcha Day.

Just as we did with Claire, she will receive one of her gifts that we purchased for her in China.  In years past we have watched the videos or the slideshow I put together from our trip.  But again, there isn't a whole lot of interest there yet.  She did mention she'd like to go through her treasure box.

Oh, and let me interject that the treasure box/gotcha day gifts/videos etc.  ideas aren't mine!  They've all been suggested to me by other China BTDT's!!!

Ok...her treasure box.  This is simply a Rubbermaid container filled with her treasures from China.  Her box contains things like: the bottle the CWI staff gave us to feed her, the clothes she was wearing the day she joined us, the blanket she slept under at the CWI, gifts the shopkeepers gave her in Guangzhou, the "little itty bitty Lilo" she originally bonded with, the clothes (most probably) her birth mother dressed her in and the note (again, most probably) she pinned to her before she told her goodbye.  Claire also has a treasure box and if she shows interest in Hope's?  We'll get hers out too!

One of my clearest memories of Hope's Gotcha Day was right after Mme. Xu handed her to me.  I, no big surprise here, was crying.  I remember turning away from everyone...not because I was crying...but simply because it was as if no one else existed at that moment except Hope.  I can still smell her hair...which was so coarse...and getting wetter by the minute with my tears.  I whispered over and over to her, "I love you Han Tao."  This is a part of her story that Hope knows very well.  This morning, she was sitting at the table, had finished her breakfast, and had asked to be excused.  When I went over to take her dishes from her, I bent down, kissed the top of her head and whispered, "I love you Han Tao."  Without missing a beat she whispered back, "I love you too Mama...always."  Yeah...she went to school with wet hair.

Be blessed y'all,

Breaking The Surface---Part Two

Ok! So as you might remember I had a wonderful road trip and everything was solved! Not. That road trip was just what I needed at the time but it solved nothing. By the end of that week I had had at least one day where I found myself prostrate on the floor, trying to pray but the only thing that was finding its way out were sobs of the gut wrenching variety. And yes, those still count as prayers...God knows better than I what those sobs mean. My girls do NOT witness these scenes. They are busy downstairs emptying every single toy box, drawer, storage cube, etc. and having a righteous blast. Once they are busy I go upstairs to my room, sit on the side of the bed, and talk to God. That is when the tears appear. I'll talk more about that topic in a future post.

Before I go on, let me clarify something. I LOVE my children, BOTH of them. I do NOT want to LEAVE my children...or send them back to China...or make them disappear...or any one of several other ridiculous ideas. That is NOT what this is about. This is about Mel. I already know Mama. I'm well acquainted with her. "She" is the way I'm wired. I'm an empath...a nurturer...a Mama. If there's something wrong, I want to help you take care of it. I want to make you feel better. So maybe what this is all about, is turning Mama loose on Mel. Mel needs to figure out, discover, create the person she wants and needs to be.

So the aforementioned friend...the one who talks me down from my ledges? This person allows me to ramble at will via email. Did I mention said friend is sooo going to heaven? Whenever something is bothering me...confusing me...making me smile...pissing me off...I ramble...and send it off. Besides having a "Living Journal" to share all of this with, I've also got a treasure trove of blog entries just waiting for me to cut, paste, and edit.

The following is a portion of a ramble written the Thursday before Hope's first full day of school...which coincidentally was the day God had to decipher those sobs of mine:

"My heart is crushing dealing with the thought of my baby being gone from me all day on Monday. The fear isn’t that she’s not going to come back. The fear is losing a huge chunk of her…she’s going to have 8 hours a day that don’t involve me. She’s going to have an entire life apart from me at age 6…where Mama Bear can’t be there to protect her from the hurt and the fear and the evil. I was snuggled up to her, reading her a story this afternoon and it just smacked me right between the eyes. This “thing” that I’ve been doing…this routine…this reading to her in the afternoons since she was 11 months old…will be over tomorrow. And yes, I’ll still read to her...but it’s just the saying goodbye. Like when she lost her first teeth…they were the same two teeth she had when she was handed to me.

When I finished reading to her I told her I’d miss her on Monday. She’s amazingly strong that kid…GOD I love her. She won’t cry unless something is absolutely killing her. She reached up and wiped away a tear, never admitting that she was crying, and asked, “Mama…I’m going to be gone all day. Are you going to be ok?” Then she did something she’s never done…ever. She crawled over and draped herself over me for a hug. The kid isn’t affectionate…never has been. I held onto her for dear life and let my tears flow for both of us. I told her I’d be fine…I’d miss her but I’d be waiting for her at the bus stop with Claire when she got home. We talked about all the fun things she’s going to experience in first grade. She pulled back…ground another tear away with her fist and said, “But Mama…if I’m gone all day…how am I going to remember you?” That one just about tore my heart out by the roots. I have worked very, VERY hard…maybe too hard…to make my girls strong, and confident, and independent. I worry about leaving them without a mother…again. So we talked about what Mama smells like…and looks like…and sounds like…and dresses like…and how she can think of those things when she’s gone. She sat there for the longest time…her face not two inches from mine…staring into my eyes…trying to decide what color they are so she could remember. Again…I LOVE that kid."

The next installation is from Monday, her first day. I just reread it...and yes, it's only been three weeks, but all the feelings just rose to the surface again. The thing is...now? I'm able to let them rise to the surface, deal with them, and move on. No more denying they exist...no more pushing them back down:

"This day has already kicked my butt. I didn’t sleep last night. I think I saw every 40 minutes from 10:45 until 6:15. Had both girls ready with time to spare…took the first day pictures…put the “Mama loves you” notes in Hope’s lunchbox and her school box. Talked to her about a bunch of stuff and tried my hardest NOT to cry in front of her. She asked me several times again if I was going to be ok without her all day. I did just fine until the bus was pulling away. She was waving up a storm at me…and her mouth was smiling…but her eyes weren’t…her eyes showed fear. And I *KNEW* she was going to be fine once she got to school…but that one just about killed me. Made it until, I don’t know…10:30 until the big tears came. Let Claire watch tv…I went up to my bedroom and let them out. Was in Hope’s bedroom twice before noon…just to “smell” her. Got a few things accomplished that didn’t really keep my mind off of anything. Lunch was killer. Opening the fridge and seeing her milk in there from breakfast this morning…only having to get lunch ready for one…her place empty at the table. Claire upset and telling me we had to go wait for the bus (like we did when Hope was in Kindergarten) before we could have lunch. After lunch…same thing…only one to make sure she brushes her teeth…one story to read…one monitor to bring downstairs. More big tears after that."

And that day just got better...yeah...right. I had Claire up from nap and we were waiting for the bus at least 20 minutes before it was due. It was the first day, I knew it was going to be late. I didn't care. When it finally came up the hill I could exhale again...and let loose of the picture in my mind of me running after the bus, ripping the door from its hinges, and grabbing my frightened child from her seat. The bus stopped, four of the five children who were supposed to get off got off. The door closed and the bus started moving...and Hope was nowhere to be seen. I waved at the driver and mouthed, "Hope?" She stopped, looked behind her, smiled, then got on the radio and got Hope's attention. One thing I had neglected to tell her? Only the Kindergarten bus drops you off at your own house. NOW you have to get on AND off at the bus stop. I breathed another huge sigh of relief, squeezed the breath out of my oldest child, and walked home.

Things went progressively downhill that week. I had at least two days worth of wordless prayer. I don't think I can say it any better than I already have:

"This week bit. Flat out blew…dare I say sucked ass. Fear and anger and depression the likes I’ve never seen…nor do I want to again. At least earlier this month I’d have a moderately up day or just a stasis day in between. Not so this week…one black hole after the other. Hope comes home insane or exhausted or both. The school/teacher sends home things that need to be done immediately with no instructions. I read through everything…look at her website…look at the school’s website. Nothing. So finally I email her and ask her. Nope…nothing is published anywhere…but what a good idea! She gave me the info I needed and then also added, “I don’t know why they don’t send that information out to the first grade parents.” Yeah…me either. This morning Hope was in tears…SHE’S deconstructing now. She was clinging to me…and remember…this is the kid who is NOT affectionate…and crying, “Mama I miss you too much! I’m at school more than I’m at home!” ::sigh::"

After three weeks she still tells me every day that she misses me too much. I miss her too. So does Claire. But we're adjusting. She loves school and all of her teachers. She thinks being able to buy her lunch is beyond awesome. Recess is still tops on her list followed closely by Gym...although she's talked a lot about Music lately too.

Right now I'm working on a winning streak. I've had at least 12 days that I consider GOOD in a row. Not just baseline days either...there have been a lot of them in there that were downright wonderful...filled with sunshine, giggles, and utter silliness. Today I am feeling blue. But that's all it is...just blue. I'm not sad...nor depressed...nor angry. I think it has a great deal to do with the fact that today is the anniversary of 9/11.

Will I plunge again? I don't know. Do any of us know, really, what our emotions are going to do from second to second, let alone day to day? I fully expect to drop, yes. But I'd like to think it won't be as far, or last as long. But again, how can I know? I will continue to deal with each day as it comes. Some go in the win column, some don't. But so far? He's still letting me get up and try it again the next day.

Blessings y'all,

ABC Wednesday---Z Is For Zhu Han Tao

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

And there *she* is! Zhu Han Tao. One of three tiny referral pictures we had waited what seems like a lifetime for. Do you not LOVE the hair? I've always wanted a buzz cut...only red of course...instead I got a daughter with one. And oh, skipping ahead several months from receiving this picture...that hair was so rough...so coarse...smelled so good...gave me and continues to give me such peace.

I don't have any real memory of opening Zhu Han Tao's referral packet...nor seeing her pictures for the first time. I do remember going into shock and blanking out for at least 24 hours. I remember making copies of her pictures and delivering them to our friends Carol and Tom, my brother, and my mother. The next day I remember going out and buying a frame for this shot and putting it on our coffee table. Later that night? I couldn't look at that picture without crying...finally...FINALLY...my baby had a face...my baby was real...my baby was alive, and breathing, and eating, and sleeping, and thriving not just inside my heart...but somewhere in the world...in Anqing.

And still...to this day...Hope, the former Zhu Han Tao is now six years old...Claire, the former Qian Li Lu is three...I look at them and cannot believe that they are really here...that they are mine. That an amazing series of events involving parents, a set of birth parents half way around the world, an adoption agency, two governments, more paperwork than you could ever imagine, several dozen government agencies both state and federal, a loving orphanage staff, and literally hundreds of other people from all over the world...brought these two precious souls...home.

Be blessed y'all

It has been an absolute pleasure being a part of ABC Wednesday Round 4!

ABC Wednesday---X Is For Xu Xian Mei

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

This lovely young woman is Xu Xian Mei. She is the current director of The Anqing Children's Welfare Institute...where my Hope spent the first eleven months of her life. This picture was snapped shortly after she exited the long awaited "Baby Van"...the van that carried not only my oldest daughter, but also the daughters of six other very impatient families who were waiting on pins and needles inside the lobby of The Novotel Hotel in Hefei. I didn't know who this elegant woman was...nor did I recognize the baby she was carrying as my own. But it would all become clear in a matter of moments.

That's Mme. Xu again, in the brown coat with her back towards the camera...holding Zhu Han Tao...in her little pink Peter Rabbit outfit. The gentleman with his arm around Mme. Xu, is "Uncle Zhou"...he's kind of like my own version of American Express...I don't want to leave home for China without him...hired by our agency to take the best possible care of us while we were in country. He is checking out the babies...one by one as they are carried into the hotel lobby by an employee from The Anqing CWI. Notice all the nervous and happy new parents with cameras? Me? I'm standing just out of frame...crying...in total shock...wondering which baby is mine. And for the first time ever, I just noticed that Han Tao's head is turned directly towards me...like she knew. I'll be back in a few...I need a Kleenex...

Ok...so after they paraded through the lobby, they proceeded to climb a rather large, rather impressive staircase to the next floor where they settled in what I remember to be as a HUGE conference room...with seven sets of "we can't wait another minute for our baby" parents, grandparents, and siblings close behind.

The babies and their caregivers were taking seats in an alcove to the left. Cameras were being fired up...tears were being shed...nervous giggling could be heard...some were absolutely positive they knew which baby was their own...others had not a clue. Me? I was crying and standing near the door, ready to make a quick getaway. Garry? He knew her the moment she got off the van. MANY thanks to all who took these pictures and shared them with our entire group. I, for one, will forever be in your debt.

Uncle Zhou asked if everyone was ready...one mother who had been through this before said, "You're a fool Zhou!" We all laughed. Zhou pulled out his little notebook and called the name of one of the families. The exuberant mother stepped forward, verified her baby's Chinese name, and was handed a beautiful new daughter. Zhou said, "Who's next?" Nobody moved. He moved closer to Mme. Xu and spoke to her, then repeated his question, "Who's next?" He looked across the room...directly at me and said, "You want to go next? This your baby?" I remember so vividly every single person in front of me just parting...moving to either side of me until I was looking into the eyes of who I knew was my reason for living. And...me being me...I remember joking, "I'll just take whichever one is left." More laughs from the crowd. Zhou motioned for me to come forward...I was asked to speak my child's given Chinese name. I managed to squeak out, "Zhu Han Tao" which is what I am saying in the picture above. I can STILL see Mme. Xu's sparkling eyes looking into mine as she handed me my Hope...this child I had waited my entire life for...and all I could do was look at this beautiful woman and whisper, "thank you" over...and over...and over.

Two days later we were given the extreme pleasure of visiting the CWI. It was, and continues to be a trip I will treasure. To see how my child spent her first eleven months...where she slept...see the obvious love her caregivers had for her...before she could be with me...it was simply priceless. Made even more precious by the fact that I was unable to travel to China, and share any of these early experiences with Claire.

Mme. Xu is an angel...a true gift from God. Whose beauty, serenity, generosity, and kindness will forever be a part of Hope's life story.

Be blessed y'all,

ABC Wednesday---T Is For thirtysomething

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

Yeah...I was a thirtysomething...once upon a time. However, when the show "thirtysomething" debuted, I was a twentysomething. It didn't matter. I was hooked about thirtysomething seconds into it. The writing...the sets...the characters...the situations...the ACTORS...everything was perfect. I think thirtysomething is one of those shows that you either loved or detested. Me? I loved it...too much...so much so that I decided early on I wanted to be a part of these characters' lives. There were just way too many coincidences to ignore.

Let's meet them...shall we? These characters who each and every one of them manage to carry at least one piece of Mel. These people that I still consider to be my friends.

Starting on the left we have Gary Shepherd...yes...GARY...played by Peter Horton. Sharing the first name of my husband, minus an "R". Gary was a teacher...like me. He taught at the college level...and his fights with the administration were no less nerve wracking than the ones I went through during my career. He was also a hopeless Peter Pan. Never wanting to grow up...unable to accept responsibility.

Next to Gary? Well MELISSA of course! Melissa Steadman played by Melanie Mayron. I so identified with Melissa. She just wanted to be Melissa...whatever that meant for that day...she just wanted to be herself. Highly creative...quirky...an incredible photographer...never quite able to make it in "the real world." She wore the most amazing coat...huge and black with even larger white numbers all over it. Yeah...I wanted one.

Ellyn Warren played by Polly Draper. The perfectionist...the driven career woman...afraid that if she stopped long enough she would have to examine just how empty her life really was. Always choosing the wrong man...for the wrong reasons...and never able to figure out exactly why. I vividly remember an episode where she was lying on her bathroom floor...sick as a dog...ulcer flaring. I spent a lot of nights that way. I *was* Ellyn...and we shared a lot of the same wardrobe as well.

Speaking of dogs...lying in front of Ellyn is Grendel, Hope and Michael's dog.

Next to Ellyn is Michael holding his daughter Jane. Michael Steadman was played by Ken Olin. Michael was THE family man. He lay awake most nights worried about finances and if he was a good husband and father. He started his own business...it failed...but he kept fighting and ended up on top. Reminds me a lot of some guy I married.

And then there was Hope. Hope Murdoch Steadman played by Mel Harris. Yes...my daughter is named after her. And I am named after Ms. Harris! ") Never in my life has a fictional character become so close to my heart. I still wish she lived next door. Hope...was a writer...and a stay at home Mama. She drove a Jeep. She got upset with Michael because he would do whatever she asked him to, but never saw that it needed done to begin with. She was frustrated with her mother. She was the keeper of everyone's secrets. Are you seeing ANY parallels here? To this day she takes my breath away...and I can quote her lines from several episodes. Quite simply, I love her.

Rounding out the cast are Nancy and Elliot Weston with their kids Ethan and Brittany. Nancy was played by Patrica Wettig and Elliot by Timothy Busfield. Nancy desperately wanted to know who Nancy was. She feared that there was nothing past being Elliot's wife and their children's mother. The story arc where she decided to write and illustrate a children's book was beyond amazing to watch. No less impressive was the character's battle with cancer.

Elliot refused to grow up. But unlike Gary, he pretended he was a grown up. Elliot was the screw up. It was painful to watch him do it time after time after time...never really realizing he already had everything he needed. Busfield's portrayal was riveting, and to see Elliot finally grow up, and take responsibility for his actions was an incredible pay off.

Easing back into Mel's world...Christmas of 2006 Garry and I were beyond excited. We had Claire's referral picture and knew that with any luck she would be home with us by the end of the next month. That was more than a good Christmas for me. But...guess what was ALMOST equally as good? Garry found someone at Amazon selling the long discontinued thirtysomething soundtrack CD...and bought it for me. I cried...I jumped up and down...I hugged him...I popped it in the stereo IMMEDIATELY...I grabbed the liner notes and showed Hope the picture of the lady she was named after.

I watched all the episodes as soon as they came out when I was in my 20's. In my 30's, I watched them again in syndication...and taped all of them...yeah...watched 'em again. I watched them again in my 40's when Bravo picked it up. And last month? I got an email from Amazon that the first season is FINALLY coming out on DVD in August!!! Wanna guess if I've preordered it yet or not?

I can't wait to see them...because...again...remembering one of those lines that has stayed in my heart and my memory "Her name was...her name is...my name...is Hope."

Be blessed y'all,

ABC Wednesday---S Is For Stuff!

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

Sleeping In The Big Girl Bed

Oh yes, oh yes, oh YES! There she is! Claire in her Big Girl Bed!!!! You know...we had planned on making the transition gradually like we did with Hope. Some day we (I) am going to learn that my girls are two very different individuals. Claire has always liked sleeping with her door closed. Well, with the arrival of the new bed that was going to be impossible. We had planned on leaving her door open and putting the baby gate up. She wanted no part of it. But you know what? She screamed for about five minutes and has slept in her crib, with her door open, for about two weeks. Garry built the bed last Saturday and put it in her room beside her crib. We didn't bother with the mattress or boxspring or sheets or any of that. We just wanted her to get used to having the bed in her room. Sunday I fired up the washer, laundered all of her new linens, and made up her brand new Big Girl Bed.

As you can see, when bedtime came? She said, "I want to sleep in my new Big Girl Bed." And she did. All night long...the very first night...and she continues to do so. Yes, there is some sadness on my part. I know she is my last baby. We are done with the crib...the one that has Hope's teethmarks in it...the one that we chose so lovingly and with great anticipation so many years ago. But I'm also excited and thrilled with the awesome girls my children are becoming. Have I told you lately just how much my kids rock? ")

Sisters

On the day Claire got her new bed, Hope got her new Big Girl Bike. And yes...we planned it that way. Here she is in all her six year old glory...burning up the patio like nobody's business. She chose this bike because, "It has blue flowers all over it. They look like Hawaii. That's where Lilo lives." She also chose her helmet because it had flowers on it too. ")

Hope has gone through some major changes of her own lately. She has always slept with a nightlight AND demanded that we leave our bedroom light on until she falls asleep. Out of the clear blue sky...perhaps the day before we started leaving Claire's bedroom door open...Hope tells us she wants to try and sleep without her nightlight. She hasn't had it on since. The very next night she asked, "Can I try to sleep without Mama and Daddy's light on too?" Again...we haven't had to turn it on since that night. My babies aren't babies any longer.

As you can see, Claire wanted in on some of the biking action as well.

Steve Perry

Yeah...Steve Perry. You know...the former lead singer of Journey? The guy with the perfect voice? No, I was never a big Journey fan. I never had a crush on any of its members. I didn't own a Journey t-shirt. I didn't want to see them in concert. I think I may own one of their albums...on vinyl. The draw for me has always been his voice. Steve sings in a VERY comfortable register for me and lately we've been belting out the duets. I think I may have a crush on his voice. And yes...I can mimic his "gravel" as well...especially if I hit several of his patented high notes without warming up.

One rainy morning the girls and I were sitting in the car waiting for the bus to come when "Foolish Heart" came on the radio. Wow...memories like you wouldn't believe. When that song came out I was right in the middle of the nastiest break-up of my life. Hearing that song only made me feel worse...making me feel like I was a total and complete idiot for allowing myself to get hurt...yet again. But now...some 20 years later...the lyrics hold a completely different meaning for me. They're all about hope...and yes...it's still scary to trust...but you may never know joy if you don't open your heart...at least one more time.

I sing this song CONSTANTLY. Hope knows it by heart and asks me to sing it to her for her lullaby. Claire is starting to join in on the chorus. All three of us were singing it at the bus stop this week. I've even been known to let loose with a verse or two while I'm going for my walk through our neighborhood. If you've never heard it? Treat yourself...go ahead...watch and listen.

And Finally A Bit Of Silliness

I don't know Wally...maybe it's just me...but I don't think this is the way *I* would've chosen to lay on the bunk bed.

I hate having my picture taken...unless I'm around someone in costume...like say...oh...this AMAZING character. Look how young I am...::sigh::...and how ridiculously happy I look! ")

Yeah...I was pretty happy here too. One of the park photographers just kept yelling, "Ma'am! Ma'am! Look over here!" I gave in...how many times in my life am I going to have my picture taken with The Beast? And, in case you're wondering? I prefer him as The Beast...once he changed into the prince? All interest was lost.

Until next time y'all,

ABC Wednesday---P Is For Purpose

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

The reason there are always crumbs under the table...laundry strewn everywhere EXCEPT in the hamper...toys in the strangest of places...

The reason I get so frustrated I want to yell and scream and throw things...and stomp my feet...and pull my hair out...

The reason I can't listen to any of my own CD's and have to be content with Hannah Montana, The Imagination Movers, and every Disney soundtrack known to humanity...

The reason I have toothpaste on every conceivable bathroom surface...yes...even the toilet...

The reason I get out of bed in the morning...the reason I draw breath...the reason my heart overflows with love every single time I look at them...the reason my heart will ache as they continue to grow...the reason God gave me life...my purpose...my daughters...

As always...be blessed y'all...Happy Mother's Day...

The copyright for these images is retained by Kiddie Kandids. Please do not copy. Besides...that's just creepy...taking my children's pictures from my blog! ")

I thought the song from last week's post was equally appropriate for this one! In My Daughter's Eyes can be found on my playlist at the bottom of this page. Feel free to turn it on...or off...or up...again!

ABC Wednesday---N Is For No Monsters Allowed

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

Well...I wish the scanner would've picked up the lettering...but you'll understand why it didn't once I explain...

About two weeks ago as I was putting Hope to bed she was acting...different. We talked about all manner of things and ended up talking about how old you had to be in order to be a "tween" of all things. She started SOBBING because she wasn't a tween. ::sigh:: How do you deal with that? I have no idea...and luckily for me, I don't have to...yet... As soon as I could get her to take a breath she confessed, "Mama...I'm afraid of monsters under my bed."

That one? Well...I had already laid the groundwork for THAT one. We've read books about "monsters under the bed" since she was an infant. I've talked about how Sesame Street is FULL of monsters...they're all cuddly, lovable little creatures...who would be afraid of them? I've also read enough articles on the subject to know that you have to do your own thing with your own kid and follow his/her lead. I do NOT agree with the experts who demand that you gently but firmly tell your child that there is no such thing as monsters. Really? Huh...news to me! Have you read the paper lately? This world is populated with monsters...the REALLY scary kind...so no, I'm not going to tell my child that.

I like the idea behind "Monster Spray". You know...fill a spray bottle with water and let the child spray under the bed to banish the monsters? I like the concept of giving them CONTROL over the fear...the spray...not so much. One of our cats sleeps under Hope's bed...I can only imagine the devastation after she'd shoot a few spritzes under there sending Wally into rabid orbit. Umm...no...no monster spray.

It turned out that Hope had a few ideas of her own. The first was to TALK to me about it. How cool is that? She repeated the Sesame Street speech almost verbatim that I had given her so many times before. Then she said, "Mama? Can we make a sign for my door?" I said, "Sure honey. What should it say?" She said, "No Monsters Allowed". We agreed that was a good idea and we would make it the next day. She wanted me to write the words on a piece of paper then she would copy them onto her own piece of paper...and maybe draw a picture of a monster. Filled to the brim with love and pride for my brave six year old I gave her a hug and a kiss and told her I'd see her in the morning. The tears started again. She wanted to know how the monsters were going to know to stay out of there TONIGHT. I told her the doors and windows were locked. Mama and Daddy were right there...there was no way that a monster was going to get in on our watch. I then held her hand while we both got down on all fours and checked under her bed. She still wasn't buying it. So...and this had to have come from God because...well...I was fresh out of ideas.

I said, "Do we have any Sesame Street monsters in the house?" She perked up and said, "Elmo!" Elmo used to belong to her and now belongs to Claire. Luckily for ALL concerned he was downstairs in the family room and not sequestered in her baby sister's room. I said, "How about if we put Elmo under your bed...that way..." Before I could finish my thought she was sitting up in bed shaking her head emphatically, "YES MAMA! If there is already a monster under my bed there won't be room for another one!" So Elmo was pressed into Active Duty...which allowed Hope to sleep...but also sent her sister into a screaming fit when she saw HER Elmo under Hope's bed. That was solved by a trip to Target. As you can see...Grover is now living happily under Hope's bed.

The sign? As you can see she did draw a monster. She also wanted the wording changed to "Only 1 Monster Allowed". She chose the lightest blue crayon she could find because, "Mama the words have to be light. How will the monsters be able to read them in the dark?"

My kids rock. And I think I know what the "real" monster is that's bothering her. Since Grover has taken up residence...she's been doing a lot of talking about "being away from Mama all day next year in first grade." Again...my kids rock.

Hugs y'all,

ABC Wednesday---L Is For Lilo

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

Near the end of January 2002, Garry and I took our annual trip to Walt Disney World. It was to be our last trip there as a couple. At that time we knew we were going to adopt a baby from China but had yet to formally start the paperwork.

During our visit to the then active animation studios we were treated to a brief presentation by one of the studio animators. He drew us a picture of "Stitch" one of the characters from their new movie "Lilo and Stitch" that was coming out that summer. It was interesting...Stitch was this blue alien...thing...that in one picture had four legs and looked like a dog if you kind of tilted your head and squinted...and in another picture looked like an alien with about 8 arms and antennae sprouting everywhere. We also saw headshots of the actors who were going to do the voices for the animated film. I was excited because I recognized Kevin McDonald, who voiced the character of Pleakley. Some of you may remember my total and complete obsession with the Kids In The Hall many years ago. No? Ok...moving on...

Never...never...NEVER could we have imagined the impact that this presentation would have on our lives. N-E-V-E-R.

By the end of 2002 we were completely immersed in the paper chase for Hope and had moved into our "real" house leaving behind our not so child friendly condo. The nesting instinct was pretty strong and we started buying Disney DVD's to have around once she arrived. (Notice I didn't mention that I love Disney movies...and cry at them...all of them...) The Disney Store had sent us an email saying that Lilo and Stitch was coming out on DVD and that we could pre-order it along with a mini stuffed Lilo and Stitch. I ordered them all and we had them before our first Christmas in our new home. We even have pictures of Lilo on our mantel at Christmas time.

From December of 2002 to January of 2004 I don't know how many times Garry and I watched Lilo and Stitch. I bonded with Lilo. Here was this strong, independent, creative kid...who looked like what I imagined my daughter would look like at age six. At one point Garry wanted to name Hope, Lilo. There were a lot of tears shed during each viewing of that DVD. Especially during the utterances of two different quotes. The first being, "O'hana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind...or forgotten." The second: "This is my family. I found it all on my own. It's small and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good." We bought a rather large stuffed Stitch toy and put it in Hope's crib.

Fast forward to January of 2004. We were leaving for China at the end of the month to bring Hope home. We had all of our suitcases in the middle of her nursery trying to decide what to take and what to leave home. Her little suitcase was busting at the seams. When I tried to get the stuffed polar bear in that her Daddy had purchased for her, it just wasn't happening. No room at the inn. The large Stitch was also a no go...he was bigger than the polar bear...plus we figured it might scare her. Remembering the tiny Lilo and Stitch, I went to Hope's closet and pulled out the mini toys that came with the DVD...they fit perfectly!

All of the pictures taken of me while I was waiting at the hotel for Hope to arrive? I'm holding little Stitchie, as we had started calling him. While baby Hope was fascinated with Stitch, she was completely, madly, totally in love with Lilo. She bonded to that tiny doll as fiercely as she did to us. This shot was taken on our last night in Guangzhou. At one point she was laying in her crib, gurgling to Lilo, making her dance and playing peek-a-boo with her!

Little Itty Bitty Lilo, as she is now known, was Hope's VERY favorite toy. After we had been home a few months we found a slightly larger version of her at The Disney Store and bought two of them. One was for sleeping with, the other one was for playing with downstairs or taking with her in the car. I cleaned up Little Itty Bitty Lilo as best I could and put her in the box of China treasures that we pull out every year on the anniversary of Hope's Gotcha Day. So far, Hope is mildly interested in the clothes she wore, the bottle that was marked as hers from the CWI, her tiny shoes...but Little Itty Bitty Lilo? She can't wait to dig into that treasure box and hold her!

For Hope's first Halloween I made her a Lilo dress. I looked all over for a pattern and then thought, "Hello?" How much easier do you want it to be?" I bought a red women's t-shirt at Old Navy, cut out the leaves from muslin and bonded them to the t-shirt. The next picture was taken in October of 2004.

Not realizing how beloved that Lilo dress would become and how often she would want to wear it, I ended up having to make Lilo dress 2.0. This time I actually appliqued the leaves on.

Shortly after her second birthday Hope had her, well, one and only bout I can remember, with some type of stomach bug. She threw up all over...yes...Lilo. I was mortified. The kid KNEW the difference between "Upstairs Lilo" and "Downstairs Lilo" as they were...and still are called! Even though at that time they were identical she could smell them and tell you which one was which. After I cleaned Hope and her bedding up, I gave her Downstairs Lilo to nap with; threw Upstairs Lilo in the washer saying more prayers than you can imagine; then hit eBay looking for another one. I found a SAINT who had FIVE of the dolls that The Disney Store no longer carried or manufactured. I bought THREE of them and they are STILL tucked safely away in her closet upstairs because Upstairs Lilo cleaned up like a dream.

We didn't take our next trip to Walt Disney World until November of 2005. Hope was 2 1/2, we were expecting our referral for Claire in February of 2006 (we didn't get it until November of 2006)...we figured this would be something special for Hope before she had to share Mama and Daddy with a baby sister. This is a picture I snapped of Hopie on the airport shuttle...notice who is sitting beside her?

Once we made it safely to Orlando we started our quest to locate Lilo and/or Stitch. We were told you could find them most days at a certain spot at The Animal Kingdom. Did I mention we HAD to pack the Lilo dress too? ;) We finally ran into Stitch one day at that certain spot. It was almost our turn to talk to him when the woman who was there helping said to us, "I'll get your baby up here as soon as I possibly can. Right now I've got a Make-A-Wish child that wants to meet him." Please? Like we're going to make a fuss over THAT? Hope was perfectly content waiting and so were we. As if meeting Stitchie wasn't magic enough? After the Make-A-Wish girl left, the woman there turned to everyone in line and said, "Well folks! We thought that you weren't going to have a chance to meet Lilo today because she's in the parade over at the studios. But guess what? She's HERE!!!!" She took Hope over to Stitch and EVERYONE applauded. Dang it...I'm leaking again just remembering it. Hope gave him a GIANT hug...and the smile on her face was priceless. The woman asked if I had made the Lilo dress...when I said yes...she said, "You ROCK Mama!" Stitch took a LOT of time with Hopie...and then after we had taken several pictures he came over and gave me a huge kiss. If that would've been the only interaction we had with them it would've been more than we ever could've imagined! I can still see the tears in Garry's eyes...

A couple of days later we did some checking around and found out that BOTH Lilo and Stitch were to be in that spot at a certain hour. We RACED to The Animal Kingdom and sat on the bench under the tree with plenty of time to spare...and waited...and waited...and waited...until well after that certain hour. Garry asked some folks what was going on and was told that there had been a change in schedule and they would be an hour late. We stayed right there and were the first ones in line. When they saw her in that dress...again...more than we ever could've imagined. They held her...they patted her head...they hugged her...they played patty-cake with her...we ALL had our pictures taken with them. And when we were leaving? Lilo took Hope's face in her hands...and kissed her. In Hope's mind it was no big deal. Hey, it was Lilo...she's her best friend. In Mama and Daddy's mind? It was the sweetest, most precious thing that could've happened. More tears.

Several days later we were at the holiday parade at the studios. The Wicked Queen from Snow White walked up to Hope and said, "Do you like apples?" Garry said, "Tell her no honey." Then she said to Cruella DeVille, "Cruella! Did you know that Lilo had a little sister?" Moments later Aladdin and Jasmine rode by. Jasmine points at Hope and says, "Look Aladdin! It's Lilo!" It wasn't long before Lilo and Stitch's car appeared. The very INSTANT they spotted Hope on the curb? Well...look for yourself. What an awesome, AWESOME trip.

The love for all things Lilo and Stitch is still going strong. Hope has requested a Lilo and Stitch birthday cake for ALL of her birthdays except one. She still wants "Lilo toys" for Christmas...and she's asking for a Lilo lunchbox next year. I hope I can find one!

In January of 2007 our Lilo finally got her Stitch. And in October of 2007, Mama finally realized a long time dream of hers when it came time to go trick or treating. I had BOTH of my girls and they could dress up like Lilo and Stitch!

Below are Princess Lilo and Baby Stitchie!

Oh! And that Lilo dress? Well...using an idea that was originally in Life magazine...I've taken a picture of Hope in it every single year. I'm putting all of her Lilo dress pictures in chronological order in a Lilo and Stitch album. I'll do this every year until she's 16. You want to see just how quickly your child grows? Wow. Look at my big girl in her Lilo dress picture from last fall. And yeah...that's still Upstairs Lilo she's holding. She can't sleep without her...even though her one arm is only an arm in the loosest sense of the word...I've sewn and re-sewn and sewn some more.
So that's the story of how a little orphaned girl from Hawaii and her blue alien became a beloved part of this O'hana.

Hugs and blessings,