I Want One Of Those

Sooo...this week? Special...yeah...that's it...special. I think I may be starting to scale my way out of the abbreviated pit...finally. But honestly folks, this week has been tough...tougher than I expected actually.

One of the reasons, if not The Reason I started building walls so long ago is because I feel things on a ridiculously deep level. My emotions come first followed by logic and common sense lagging at least several weeks behind. I am particularly fond of a comment Earl made about Grace from the show Saving Grace: "I'm sayin', I love the way you love, Grace. It's a fierce, white-hot mighty love." Garry has a saying of his own, "Mama only knows one way to love...too much." This is true, but it is also true for any of my emotions. Now that the walls are down and they are allowed to run free? Gads. Add a few hormones to the mix? My advice to those around me? RUN FORREST!

I scrapped the first draft of this post. It was a hormonal nightmare...frightened even me. I actually did the same thing with an email earlier this week...but I digress.

And before I go any further I want to make something perfectly clear. I take full responsibility for my actions. Dealing with the horrific hormonal intricacies that have manifested themselves in my life for the last few years has not been fun. It ain't no picnic folks and I'm not going to lie...they've gotten exponentially worse in the last year. But to blame all of one's actions on one's hormones is utterly absurd. Oh, don't get me wrong. They are evil little bastards. But you know what? They are no match for me. I'm one strong broad and I'm sick and tired of giving them control over my life. (Wow...that was impressive. I think I really am starting to climb out of the pit.)

So the trick right now is balancing this new "feeling everything and not building walls" with "wallowing in it". You remember balance don't you? I had it tattooed on my back? For at least two days this week I wallowed in it. Sunday and Monday were wretched. I honestly think I cried all day both days and nothing made me feel any better. I went back to my bag of tricks from two months ago...nothing worked. I went for a walk on Sunday...and I cried while I was walking. To make matters even more complicated, the spousal unit left Sunday afternoon for a week of training in Chicago. I have the utmost respect for single parents but I do NOT want to be one. Monday was like one long, depressing trek through oatmeal. It was one of those look at the clock days and say, "In just 12 more hours, I can go back to bed." Tuesday I put on the "normal" face and went about my business but I was still a wreck. Hope threw up at school and I found out about it purely by accident. That one bothered me on about 17 different levels...the most urgent being that she might have been exposed to the tainted formula while she was in China and we need to watch for symptoms of said exposure. She has a very understanding teacher this year and I handled it in my best Mama Bear fashion the next day. Wednesday and Thursday were two of the most delightful Indian Summer days I've ever experienced. I strapped Claire in the stroller and took a walk in the sunshine. Did it help? Nowhere near as much as it should've.

When Garry called Thursday night and said he'd be home late Friday I told him I would be waiting at the door. I was going to a hotel for the weekend. He laughed...nervously...and reminded me that I have to be home early Monday morning for an appointment. I reminded him that my appointment is right down the street from several nice hotels.

No I didn't go to a hotel...I have a sick child to take care of and worry over. But dear LORD I wanted to. I still want to. And no, I don't want a spa day. Manicures, pedicures, facials, and massages require that someone put their hands on you. I do NOT like to be touched. If I have allowed you to touch me in the past...and continue to let you touch me? You are in a very exclusive club my friend...probably less than a dozen members worldwide. So what did/do I want to do at said hotel? I want to take the hottest shower I can stand, crawl into bed, curl around a pillow, and cry until it just doesn't hurt anymore. Away from friends, away from family, away from people...away from responsibilities...just...Mel. If that delightful little activity doesn't take up the entire 48 hours then staring out the window, thinking deep thoughts, sipping some peppermint hot chocolate sounds good. So does firing up my laptop and having a Season 1-2 catch-up marathon of Californication.

Which got me to thinking...well yeah, Californication makes me think other thoughts but that's not what I'm talking about. I could build a chain of Meno-Resorts all over the world. Places where women like me could escape...ride the wild 'mone wave out until they stabilize. The only problem with that is who, in their right mind, would ever want to work at a place like that? Can you imagine? Constant screaming, non-stop tears, room service trays winged at your head for no apparent reason? And that's just from the owner. So my next thought was, "Ok...how about Meno-Cottages?" I could start a company that builds these little retreats in the homeowner's backyard...built to their own specifications! Let's see...mine would have...three rooms...mini kitchen, luxury bathroom, and a multipurpose living/sleeping room. Oh yes...flat panel TV...whirlpool bath...big comfy bed...a wall of books...yeah...I want one of those.

You know what else I want? A mysterious bowling alley owning guru who can by simply looking at me, intuit exactly what it's going to take to put me back on the right path. I want my life to get better with a pair of blue size 8's. I'm more than willing to collect business cards from eight people wearing red in order to make my life not suck quite so much. And no, if you don't get that obscenely vague reference I'm not going to explain it. If you do get it however, I will kiss you the next time I see you.


Let's see...what else? Ah yes, I want to be Hank Moody. No...I don't want Hank Moody...well...ok...maybe there have been moments. Actually I think it would be more fun to BE Hank. Hank is possibly one of the most fascinatingly hilarious characters I've ever come into contact with. Moody is the main character in Showtime's Californication played to delicious perfection by David Duchovny. He's a writer who simply just doesn't give a crap. He says whatever pops into his brain...doesn't care if he offends anyone...no regrets. He just is. And while a grand portion of what he spews forth is complete bullshit? He has also been known to utter some of the most blinding truths I've ever heard. I started watching it this season because, yes, Rick Springfield is making a guest appearance. I'm glad I did.

I don't know where my life is going and frankly, I think that is the underlying cause of ALL of this. I like to have all of my ducks in a row, planned out, for the next 3-4 years...and right now? I can't even get a grip on the next 3-4 hours. As I've progressed in my Journey to New Mel...and with each step I've taken...each task I've completed...it was as if a tiny flame sparked from some long dead ember inside of me...and would grow just the slightest bit stronger with each task I would complete. That flame has been blown out...lost in the last two weeks. I had no idea how I was going to get it back or even if I wanted to get it back. Wouldn't it just be easier to go back to Old Mel? And there are going to be days, like yesterday, when all I feel like doing is "wallowing in it" but can't afford to, that I'm going to have to call on Old Mel for help. She was a champion wall builder...none better. I'm exhausted folks...I can't afford to overthink or over-feel for awhile. I'm not calling it a wall...let's call it a curtain. It's flimsy, but for now, it's giving me the few hours of peace that I desperately need. I have no desire to live through the flood of emotions that come with building walls and tearing them down ever again.

By no means am I looking on this as a defeat. Remember the overly emotional first drafts of this post and an email from earlier this week? I stopped myself from publishing...from hitting send. I walked away from them...let them sit...and didn't share them until I got some control. Two weeks ago I had something happen that would've broken me a short while ago. It hurt, it pissed me off...but it didn't break me. I spent a week with my children by myself and I didn't lose my temper with them until Thursday night. I'm still amazed over that one.

I've decided that I want to go back to school once Claire starts school full time. I have not formally decided on what I will be studying yet, but I will keep you updated. Suggestions are always welcome. Yesterday I received an offer from someone who'd like to promote my work. I'm going to check it out. I haven't thought about continuing my work as an artisan in a long time. We'll see where this leads. I can do this. I WILL do this.

As always, be blessed y'all,