Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I believe I have officially reached the end of my rope. Seriously, I found myself crying in the shower the other night and telling God that I can't do this anymore. I am so incredibly tired. I go from the moment I get up until I collapse on the couch after my shower in the evening. It is the ONLY way I've found that I don't think about this whole adoption situation 24 hours a day. My house has never been cleaner...you can darn near eat off our garage floor AND it's almost organized...the overgrown flowerbeds are next...if this referral doesn't come soon I'm going to have to start on the basement! ::horrors::

Yes, we make light of it and put on happy faces for Hope, but folks, I'm telling you...I'm at my limit. I guess that CCAA has finally moved into their new building? I placed a question mark there because no one seems to know for sure but rumors abound. Some say referrals will come out this week...some say not until the week of August 1st. In any case I pray that the next batch contains ALL of the July referrals. As stressed out as we are right now, I can only imagine what the agency's July 20th group is going through. Especially if they've read the rumor saying that the next batch will only include up to the 13th or something like that. Pray for them please. Another rumor states that an update will be placed at the CCAA website this evening, which is tomorrow morning in China. Could someone look for me? Maybe I can sort of just peek through my fingers at it. As frightened as I am to think that they may have only matched another half a month, I also have to hold on to some hope that maybe, just maybe, they did the whole month of July.

I finally started Hope's lifebook. GADS! That does nothing to alleviate the stress and tears either! But I would walk through hell for both of my girls and if this is going to help my Hope deal with her past and being adopted then I'm going to finish the thing and get it into her hands as soon as possible. I took the easy way out first and bought all of the supplies. Next, and the hardest part for me, is writing the actual text. There is a WONDERFUL book called "Lifebooks: Creating A Treasure For The Adopted Child". It is written by Beth O'Malley and I highly recommend it. It is written in very straight forward, common sense language and basically walks you through each and every step. She even includes a page by page example if you are truly stuck. SO! I started by typing all of her pages into the computer. Then I go through and change all of her specifics to Hope's specifics. After that I go through again and change it into language that sounds like me. Today was the day for details. Oh Lord...I sat here reading the translations of medical and development reports that we received with her referral...the same reports I must've read at least 300 times between the time we got them and the time she was handed to me in China. Have any documents ever been so precious? I mean, they are the ONLY link between you and your daughter for at least 6 weeks! They weren't any easier to get through, and I still can't read them without crying. No writing was done today. I'll get back to it tomorrow. Once the text is written then Hope and I will start assembling the pages together. We will pick out background papers and go through all of our pictures and match them with the text. In theory, perhaps Claire's lifebook will be a little easier? ; )

Enough for now...I need to go and do something happy! Here's hoping I have something good to report very soon!

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