Standing

Yesterday was freeing, relaxing, amazing, wonderful, familiar, hilarious, fun, eye opening...and totally different.  Yep...Mama took another road trip!  Not familiar with my first one?  You can read about it here.

I had been thinking about it for a couple months but only actually decided to pull the trigger a week and a half ago.  The Spousal Unit usually takes a few days off during Hope's spring break so I seized that opportunity to take a day off myself.  While Daddy and the girls went to the library, had lunch at Burger King, and went in search of some kites, Mama took off bright and early and returned to the scene of her first escape.

Yes...I went back...and while it was eerily similar it was also vastly different.  I'm a fair weather driver.  I tend to get spooked when I have to drive in less than perfect conditions.  My last trip was nothing but blue skies and warm temps.  This time?  When I left home it was 60 degrees and cloudy.  Even before I got out of the county it had begun to rain and the temperature had dropped to 48.  I spent an hour and a half driving in rain that fluctuated between drizzle and downpour...yet...I was ok.  More than ok actually...I was fine.

I had trouble sleeping the night before.  I had set a goal for myself for the next day and I was pretty nervous about it.  I know...I know...I worry about the most ridiculous of things.  On my trip last August, when I was leaving my destination to return home, I tried to follow the directions that Google maps had given me.  They were...confusing...to say the least.  I was thrown into about a dozen lanes of traffic when I was fairly certain I didn't need to be.  I had decided that this time I was going to find a back way out of there...and I was going to do it as soon as I got there.  Setting goals is new for me...I refused to do it for years because I always expected to fail.  Well...no more people...NO MORE.

Back to my trip...I reached my exit and while I waited at the light to turn right, I had already figured out a better way to leave...in 5-6 hours.  ")

One of the items on my "Things To Look For" list was a new spring jacket.  The fact that it was now pouring rain and 48 degrees brought that to the top of my list.  I parked outside Forever XXI and ducked inside.  Ohhhh...I've never seen so many cute little jackets...it was like stepping inside Cute Cropped Jacket Nirvana!  I've honestly never seen so many in one place that I not only liked but would actually wear!  But it gets better...there were several very long racks of jackets and coats on clearance.  I found the perfect little jean jacket for spring for $15 and yet another perfect wool coat for next winter for...ready?  $25.  I was a very happy and very warm girl...and it wasn't even 10:30 in the morning yet!

Here they are in all their glory.  The Spousal Unit's comments?  "You got both of them for less than $50?" and "Those scream you."

I was leaving Saks when the young lady who was working the MAC corner said, "I love your jacket!"  I thanked her and told her to go down to Forever XXI...it was on sale for $15...I just bought it that morning.  She said, "You're kidding!  THANK YOU!!!"  Later I was meandering around Delia's when one of the girls working there said basically the same thing.  I told her about both coats I had purchased.  She looked at me and said, "Ohhh THANK YOU!  You have no idea what you've done...you've just created a monster!"  Hey...just doing my job ladies...happy to be of service.  ; )

I did my straight line shopping first...sticking to my list.  Folks?  I was done by noon!  I was giddy.  You know...I've been doing a lot of work lately both by myself and with God, about what I want, and what I need.  I'll save that topic for another post...but the fact that I had found everything on my list and had it packed in the car before noon?  I was such a happy little camper.  So what was on the list?

Well, the basics of course...I needed my 5/$25 fix at Victoria's Secret.  Check.

Buckle.  SURPRISE!!!  If you remember I still had a balance on my gift card.  I made a beeline straight for the Sinful shirts.  It was so early in the day I had my own personal shopper right beside me.  She was bringing me armloads of shirts to look at and then she mentioned...jeans.  I refuse to even look at jeans at Buckle...I can't see spending that kind of money on a pair of jeans!  But...I had the balance on the gift card...and I had an almost full rewards card good for another $10 off.  So I told her I'd love to try some on.  She asked what size I wore, and how I liked to wear my jeans.  I said, "Do you wanna see?"  She said, "Sure!"  So I raised up my shirt and showed her!  Ohhh...her little face was just priceless as she said, "Ok, you like them kind of low."  She's right...I do like the low riders...and no...nothing is or was hanging out!  She started to load up a room for me.  She had at least 6 different pairs of jeans/crops in various sizes and colors...4-5 shirts she thought I might like...and three pairs of shoes to try with the jeans to check the length...all this plus what I had chosen to try on.  Before I even picked up any of the jeans I checked their price.  I left the pair marked at $120 untouched.  There was no WAY I was going to try on something for that price and risk falling in love with them!  The first two I tried on were too big...the next pair however?  Oh mercy...I've never had anything fit so perfectly in my life.  I literally didn't want to take them off.  They came home with me as well as another Sinful shirt.  Buckle...check.

A quick stop at Icing for a thumb ring for my LEFT hand.  They had just the one I wanted.  Check.

Off to The Disney Store for some Princess And The Frog merchandise for the girls.  We are obsessed with all things Tiana at our house...again...you'll hear about it in another post.  Also picked up a Perry The Platypus for Daddy.  Check.

Did I mention that the mall was hosting an open search for America's Next Top Model that day?  Umm...yeah.  I saw young hopefuls carrying their information packets with their call numbers on them...I stopped looking at around 290 something.  It was a zoo...and putting it as nicely as I can?  There was no shortage of self esteem amongst these girls.  You figure it out.

So it's just a bit past noon and I'm finished with my list.  I was going to buy another lyric bracelet but I really didn't feel the need to anymore.  About a month ago I came home from my walk, took my coat off, and my bracelet was gone.  I panicked...it wasn't pretty.  That bracelet was concrete proof that I had walked through the fire and lived to tell about it.  I was frantic.  I went through all my clothes, my coat, looked all over the floor and was just getting ready to go out the door and walk my hour long route again when I remembered hearing something hit the floor when I took my coat off.  Yeah...it was all but invisible hanging out from under the refrigerator.  Once I calmed down I realized I don't need a bracelet to prove I've changed.  I KNOW I've changed.  I am not the same person I was this time last year...or even last month.  People have been telling me how strong I am since I was 17 years old.  Well, ok, it's taken me 30 years, but I get it.  I AM strong.  I am an amazingly strong broad and I don't need a bracelet to tell me that!

So I did some window shopping and some people watching and headed to, yes, The Cheesecake Factory for lunch.  ")  They've discontinued my sinfully delicious Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough...once they are out of it they aren't making any more.  Well, they had a piece left with my name on it.  Strangely, it wasn't as good as the last time I was there.  But then, things were different this time in a lot of ways.  I'm much stronger...no panic attack once I got there...no call from anyone to talk me down...but then there was nothing to talk me down from.  I also found myself standing a lot straighter, looking people in the eye, and just generally displaying a lot more confidence than I ever have before.

After lunch I planned on making one more round of the shops and seeing if there was anything I couldn't live without.  When I got off the escalator I was standing in front of Things Remembered...and my heart AND my head were telling me to get another bracelet.  I went in, spoke with the clerk who was working, chose a bracelet, and she gave me the work order to fill out.  As soon as I had the pen in my hand I knew which lyrics I needed to have engraved on my bracelet.  As she was ringing me up she said, "Did you buy another bracelet here about a year ago and have something inspirational put on it as well?"  I looked at her and realized it was the same young woman who had waited on me last August.  I told her I did.  She said, "Yeah, you were out on your own, away from your husband and kids for the first time?"  Again, I told her she was correct and I was astonished that anyone would remember something like that...especially...having to do with me.  I asked her how her baby was doing.  She blushed and said, "He's great!  Thanks for asking!"

I left and did my last round while she did the engraving...checked the prices on a few more things...went into some stores I'd never been in before...grabbed a drink for the ride home...then headed back to pick up my bracelet.  When I walked in she went behind the counter and took it out of a little black velvet bag and held it up for me to see.  When I saw the words printed out I had to fight back the tears.  I choked out, "Thank you..." and then we hugged...just like we have always known each other...just like it happened every day...just like it was the most normal thing in the world. She whispered, "You be careful going home...it's wet out there..." then she put it on my wrist and smiled.  I said, "I'll see you in August!"  She said she would look forward to it.

Lessons learned:

1)  I am one strong broad.
2)  I am someone worth remembering.
3)  Always listen to your heart...especially when it's agreeing with your head!

This living stuff can be downright pleasurable...can't it?

Love and hugs y'all,



P.S.  Oh!  What were the lyrics?  "Then You Stand"  You can read about their importance to me here.

Breaking The Surface---Part One

I've been sitting here for the last fifteen minutes going back and forth on the title for this post. It started out as "Surviving" then changed to "Breaking The Surface". I fear it may be too early to declare that I've broken the surface of this thing, but I think I'm doing a little better than surviving. So let's call it "Breaking The Surface---Part One".

How am I doing? Well, I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you I'm fine. And yes...I did just say "ass". I swear. Frequently. It's one of the many millions of facets to Mel. As with the rest of them, love me or not...just don't bust my chops over it. So, I'm not fine...this isn't easy...it's not just going to go away...but I am learning to deal with it.

I thank everyone who has offered prayers, support, encouragement, and suggestions on how to "c'mon get happy". Seriously...how many of you now have the theme from The Partridge Family stuck in your head? Evil. Just one of the services I offer...just one of the things that I find makes me smile.

While everyone's support is much appreciated let me just share with you the sentiments that have helped me the most. Again, these won't work for everyone, but for me they were priceless.

The day after I wrote the "Becoming" post I received an email from someone who means a lot to me. It said, "You know what? YOU CAN DO THIS." This person is the strongest human I know. Ok...I can do this. A friend from high school reminded me that this situation isn't like the common cold. It's not going to be done and over with in 7-10 days. A friend from college sent me a card. The front said something like "The things people say to make you feel better: 1. This too shall pass. 2. Things could always get worse. 3. Smile!" The inside listed the responses that you feel like giving, "1. Shut up 2. Shut up 3. Shut up" That made me laugh out loud.

Something else that doesn't ring true with me? "Each day will get easier." No...no it won't. When I first started crawling out of this pit I would have one or two days where I could barely function. Then I would have an "up" day. That doesn't mean I was giggling and frolicking about and tossing flower petals in the air. What it was, was a day I could BREATHE, relax...perhaps a period of stasis describes it better. I would look forward to the next day and it getting "easier". Wrong...back down into the pit. It felt like one step forward and at least 47 back.

Figuring...what the hell...it can't get any worse...I threw caution to the wind and scheduled a road trip. All right...pick yourselves up off the floor. Yes, it's been ages since I've been the driver on a road trip...and I've never taken one by myself. But let me tell you, it was something that absolutely appealed to me at that moment. I got a sitter for August 17th, informed the family I was taking off for that day, and that was that. The closer the date came the more "up" my mood became. I got everything ready for the sitter, cleaned out the Jeep, printed out maps, made a list of what I'd like to look for, chose what CD's I was going to take. Hey, that in and of itself? Getting to listen to my own music in the car? That was enough to make me positively giddy!

So...the morning of the 17th arrives, the sitter is here, the car is packed and I...am...outta...here! Flying down the highway at speeds we won't discuss...that I haven't hit in a verrrry long time...my two Steves blasting from my stereo...the sun shining...blue skies...no car seats in the back seat...I felt positively SCANDALOUS for close to two hours. Not only scandalous...but one might say blissful. I reached my destination, jumped out of the Jeep...and the minute I got inside felt the very distinct rumblings of a panic attack. HOARDS of negative feelings..."you're too old for this"..."you should be at home with your kids"..."who are you fooling"..."you're in a strange city"..."you don't know anyone here"..."go home!" Yeah...they were all swirling around in my head. I got them under control as best as I could...walked around for about an hour like I was in a daze. Went into a couple of stores...wasn't really feelin' it. I passed a place that did henna tattoos...hmmm...I was interested.

I forced myself to go into another store and was down on my hands and knees looking at a bunch of thumb rings (I have a MAJOR weakness for those) when my phone rang. Thinking there was something wrong with the girls I clawed my phone out of my front pocket and made a break for the exit. God is good y'all. On the other end of that phone was a voice that never fails to calm me...center me...talk me down from my ledges. Thank you my friend...I owe you YET another one. Not only did that sweet, strong voice talk me down from my freak-out ledge, it also told me, "Go into a store and BUY something!" So I did. I went into Buckle, a store I had walked past twice before when the voices were telling me I was too old to go in there...and I bought a hoodie...for $80. I know...I'm still in shock too. So I guess I won't tell you that I went back to the same store later and bought a shirt and two pairs of earrings. After that? I went to the henna tattoo place and got the little ditty on my hand that you can see in the picture at the top. Did a little more shopping...had some chocolate peanut butter cookie dough cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory that was to DIE for...back to shopping...and an idea hit. This was a pretty major event in my life. I needed something special to commemorate it. I headed to Things Remembered and chose a bracelet...again...see the picture. One side of the heart has "Mel" engraved on it. The other side has a favorite song lyric. That lyric can mean how I have been living...a negative connotation...but it can also mean how I am now trying my damndest to live...a positive connotation. The girl who did the engraving wanted me to explain it to her. She thought it was the perfect sentiment...congratulated me on getting out and doing something just for me. She also told me that as long as I spent $80 on a hoodie for myself, it was ok! After that? Another two hours in the car with my two Steves and home in time for my walk. Thoughts of that special day still make me smile!

My bracelet? It's rarely off. I'm going to have to take it to a jeweler and have it put on a sturdier base...the leather cord and clasps are already falling apart. It has become my talisman. I am constantly looking at it...touching the heart...reminding myself what is to come. I plan on adding a new lyric bracelet for each new major challenge I meet and overcome.

So all was well after that? Oh you silly, silly people! I wish. But no. Remember...I still had to send Hope off to school. We'll save that for Part Two.

While I was shopping I came upon a huge play area filled to capacity with screaming children and their mothers of all ages and races. I stood there looking at them for the longest time...and sadly saw myself reflecting back at me. Every...single...woman...was simply staring off into space...beaten...the same God-awful look of emptiness, despair, and utter exhaustion. It was beyond surreal. These feelings my friends...they are universal...at epidemic proportions.

If I had a dollar for everyone who has told me in the last six months that "all I want to do is get in the car and leave...and never come back"...well...I'd have a huge smile on my face and I'd never have to worry about money again. I've been there friends. I've BEEN in the car...with $80 in my wallet...and an hour from home...with absolutely no intention of ever coming back. No plans, brain on autopilot, just gonna drive until the car is out of gas because THAT'S how down and out and empty I was. There's probably a couple of you reading this that can give me the exact date of that trip too. Yes...I turned around. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I have too much common sense to just run away without having everything planned out down to the minutest of details.

I'm here...I'm surviving...I CAN DO THIS.

Catch y'all later in Part Two...