Our Journey Continues

I Have A Dream...

2012-01-16T10:14:00.002-05:00

Last year, several of the children in Hope's class were given lines from Dr. King's "I Have A Dream" speech to memorize and recite. Her teacher told me that she chose the following for Hope, with me in mind...knowing how much it means to me.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

May we all find something that we can do, no matter how small, to make his dream...reality.

Amen.

It's Been Awhile...

2011-08-12T16:01:00.001-04:00

Yes, I'm still around...and yes I still write. My writing for the last...well, almost ten months has been sporadic to say the least and of the personal or LJ variety. It's a cycle folks...my creativity has always been at its highest when I am at my lowest. Sad but true.

As an update to the last post...the MRI guided biopsy went very well...much better than the first time. Yes, The Emperor Ass Hat was at his best...they couldn't even find him at the hospital and he was an hour or so late. But he and I understand each other now. He knows I'm not putting up with it and I will call him on it. Aftercare was very different this time...I have no idea if that had anything to do with me or the dozens of other women who probably went home and bled for 24 hours straight after having the same procedure. In any case, it went well, and I heard the words I wanted to hear, "It's benign."

Six months later, time for the follow-up MRI. Guess what? Yep. Again. This time, thank God, they were able to find the spot on an ultrasound so I was able to have an ultrasound guided biopsy instead of another dreaded MRI. And you're never going to guess who did the biopsy!!! Yep...The Emperor Ass Hat. Again...we have danced so many times I'm able to lead. And again, "It's benign."

Did I mention that the week before I had the ultrasound guided biopsy I also had an area removed from my left arm? That was to make sure they got everything that was left of a "funny freckle". Typical Mel Results, "Well...it's not cancer. But there is far too much cellular activity and if we leave it alone it could become cancerous."

I continue to take my roadtrips at least four times a year. I just did one on Tuesday of this week as a matter of fact. And as I look at the calendar I can see that next Wednesday is the TWO year anniversary of my very first one.

Claire graduated preschool to the strains of "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts while Mama held Hopie and sobbed into her hair.

Hope finished second grade with flying colors after a major hiccup near the end of the year. Her beloved teacher...undoubtedly in my eyes sent from God especially for her...had to retire in February for medical reasons. It was devastating for all involved. The teacher they hired to take over, while I'm sure she is more than competent, was nothing like the original in any respect. It was like starting the year all over again. I don't know how the rest of the kids handled it but it took Hope a good long time to completely switch gears. I thank God she got through it and it's over.

We took a long overdue trip to Walt Disney World at the end of May and spent ten days soaking up everything that Uncle Walt and The Imagineers have to offer. It was far too crowded...and far too hot...but it's DISNEY for crying out loud! How can you NOT enjoy yourself? One of many cherished memories from that trip centers around an impromptu stop at The Voyage Of The Little Mermaid. It is a combination live action/animated show put on at Disney's Hollywood Studios. We were all far too hot and tired of walking. We walked past the theater, I checked the wait time which was 10 minutes...thinking seats and air conditioning...and I said, "Let's stop here." As we were going through the turnstiles, a cast member stopped us and asked the girls if they would like to help her welcome everyone to the show. She took their names and then placed us up front and told us to wait for her...she'd be back. Shortly before the doors opened she reappeared with personalized certificates for each girl, thanking them for their help, and signed by both Ariel and Prince Eric. She got out her microphone, introduced my girls, then placed the mic between them. Hope said, "Welcome to The Little Mermaid!" and grinned from ear to ear. Claire...did nothing. The crowd applauded...Mama cried. I think I may have forgotten to mention that Vivien, the cast member who chose the girls to help her...was Chinese. ")

Now....I've just reread this post...and it's missing the Mel trademark. I can just hear Carolina saying, "But Mel...where is your heart?"

Oh...it's still here too. It is broken and battered and flawed to a fault. But it's still here. You'll hear more about that in the next post in a few days. I know...you can't believe it. Shut up.

Still here!

2011-06-14T09:57:00.000-04:00

Still here...still alive...new post coming soon...promise. ")

Six Months Again? Already?

2010-10-29T15:59:00.000-04:00

Well...I guess it wouldn't be Breast Cancer Awareness Month without my body jumping on the bandwagon now would it?

One mammogram, one breast MRI, one ultrasound, and one surgeon's appointment later...I need another MRI guided biopsy. Whatever was found on the MRI in October of 2009 is now significantly larger. Yes, it's still tiny, but the thought of something totally foreign, growing unchecked inside my breast and described as being "significantly larger" tends to bother me. After the MRI I had to have an ultrasound to see if the mass could be located. Nope...it can't be detected via ultrasound. You just know what kind of day it's going to be when you're waiting for the ultrasound tech to show up, look over at the screen and see your name alongside the words "Type: Breast ~ Category: Small Parts". ::sigh::

I knew something was up when the tech returned and told me the radiologist wanted to talk to me. I've never been escorted to the inner sanctum before. He was a nice guy...firm handshake...spoke to me in plain English...remained positive yet honest. He basically told me they can't find it...I've had one test too many...they were recommending an MRI guided biopsy and throwing it back to my surgeon. It would be up to the two of us to decide if we went any farther. As I was leaving he yelled, "Keep the faith kid!" I've been holding onto that for the last few weeks. That meant something.

My surgeon isn't any happier about this than I am. But as she always says, "If we wait...and it is something...nope...you've got two little girls depending on you. We're not going to mess around." Sooo...back to the...ummm..."person" who does these procedures. He, apparently is the only human in this area and I'm stuck with him...again. And as with the other times I've had a procedure scheduled with him, shortly after it is confirmed, he decides to go on vacation and it has to be rescheduled. Hey, put my life on hold again! I freakin' LOVE it!

The procedure was scheduled for yesterday...and the day after it was scheduled I got the call saying we'd have to push it back, he was going on vacation. I made two calls after that...one to The Spousal Unit, and one to Amy at my surgeon's office. Both of them thought I was kidding. It took me almost five solid minutes to convince Amy I wasn't joking around. But you have to laugh right? Because the alternative just isn't acceptable! So...something that was sooo important, that was recommended by two different physicians, that was scheduled for less than a week away from seeing my surgeon...has now been pushed back to mid-November. Ain't nobody happy...save for the guy on vacation. I'll spare you the cute little name I have for him...oh the hell I will. I've dubbed him The Emperor Ass Hat. If you'd like to read about my other exploits with him check out this post.

Now...as God has pointed out sooo many times in my life...and seems to really enjoy doing as of late...He has shown me that this timing thing of His can also be a blessing. Remember how He told me earlier this year to "wait"? And the only concrete thing He's given me is, "Can you wait three years?" Remember how I'm SICK TO DEATH of waiting? Read on...

The other night I was sitting on Claire’s bed. She was fixing my hair. It felt so good…and she was just jabbering away about what she was going to do next and I had this…body memory…of just aching for her. Not knowing where she was…if she was being well taken care of…if she was even born yet. Wondering if I would ever have a chance to hold her…remembering getting in the shower each and every night and saying to myself, “One day closer to Claire.” He said something to the effect of, “See what I can do?” And then my heart damn near stopped when I realized that the whole process for Claire took close to…three years.

Ok…the whole Emperor Ass Hat rescheduling thing? As much as I hate to admit it, that has turned into a blessing as well. I was sick as a dog last weekend…didn’t even get out of bed Sunday. I’m still not 100% but I’m not flat on my back anymore either. Wednesday afternoon I got a call from Hope's school...she had been coughing so hard she threw up. Two weeks ago we received word that there were several confirmed cases of whooping cough in the system and one of the signs was, yeah...you guessed it. Scared me senseless…bless her heart. I picked her up, brought her home, cleaned her up and then we went straight to the doctor. No whooping cough...but she does have strep. I've never been so thrilled to hear a diagnosis of strep before in my life. She’s been home for the last couple of days. If the biopsy hadn't been rescheduled? I would've been at the hospital yesterday…with nobody to take care of her. He pointed that out to me last night as well…not in a snotty way…because let’s face it, if He had, I would’ve completely shut down. So…I get it…I do. Three years…still don’t like it…still don’t want to do it…still don’t know what I’m waiting for…but I’ll try my best.

The way it's scheduled now I'll get to enjoy my birthday and the good Lord willing I should be up and around for Thanksgiving as well.

Another thing that was bothering me was I had decided for the first time in probably fifteen years, to dress up for Halloween. I had the best time putting together my costume...and then the biopsy was scheduled for, you guessed it, the day our little town has Trick or Treat. So there's another plus for the new date, eh? I got to enjoy Trick or Treat with my girls and show off World's Coolest Pair of Shoes...EVER!

Still fighting...still smiling...still being Mel!

Mel...One Year Later

2010-10-22T16:46:00.017-04:00

I sat down recently and reread my entries starting in August of 2009 and going through October of the same year. Folks...I have come so far...farther than I could ever have imagined...especially if you would've told me this last year. I remember sitting in my kitchen, typing one or more of those posts and sobbing so hard I couldn't even continue. I vividly remember being barely able to function, to just get through the day...the only thing I looked forward to was going to bed. I remember being so far down I couldn't even see daylight, let alone the top of the pit. I remember being cautiously optimistic when I thought I had finally broken the surface, only to be pulled back under once again. Well, I would like to announce that not only have I broken the surface, but I am climbing the mountain. I will never, NEVER go back to the pit and will do WHATEVER it takes to be certain I never return. Not only am I on the mountain, but I have actual days where I'm able to find a peaceful outcropping to just sit, rest, and enjoy the view. For the first time in my entire life, I am comfortable in my own skin...and it shows in every aspect of my life.

Feel free to go through my Ancient Ramblings to further illustrate these points!

There were several "major events" that finally brought this excruciatingly painful, yet well worth it part of my journey to an end.

1. Jim
The death of this man whom I loved so dearly, literally stripped me of my last reserve of strength. I fully believe one must be at their weakest before they can start to rebuild.

2. Losing Grace
The character of Grace Hanadarko from Saving Grace as you well know, was an inspiration not only to me, but to millions of other women. I felt so close to this character, recognized so much of myself in her, both good and bad. When the series ended and her character was killed it sent me reeling. I've never been so close to giving up in my life...on everything.

One evening, shortly after I watched the final episode I went out for my walk. That day had been abyssmal and if I didn't get out I was going to lose what tiny bit of sanity I was still clinging to. It was ugly outside. I mean approaching Storm Chasers ugly. I didn't care. If I got wet, so what. If I got struck by lightning, all the better. Nothing was going to keep me from going for a walk. I hadn't even made it around the corner before the thunder started. I kept going. About a quarter of the way into my route it started raining and there was a wall of rain coming right for me. I walked straight into it and just kept going. I crossed the street and looked skyward. I've never seen anything so dark, so compelling, so beautiful. I stood there for the longest time, staring skyward and I finally said, "You want me? Then just go ahead and take me...I dare you." Probably not the smartest thing I've ever done...or was it? I truly believe that was the day I got my strength, or my Mel Mojo back. At that moment, I knew exactly what it felt like to Embrace My Grace. What I did was something I could see Grace doing...effortlessly. I will never forget cresting the hill and seeing a family standing in their garage who had been watching the storm look at me like I was a complete and total moron...and I just smiled at them and kept on going. The following was my status on Facebook that evening: "Ever walk headlong through a wall of rain straight into the darkness of an incoming storm...on purpose? Stare straight up at the swirling clouds...the black tendrils so close to the ground you feel like you can reach up and touch them? Stand with arms outstretched and face toward the sky with 3DD mixing with thunder in your head? I have to say it was one amazing experience...no fear...just...peace."

3. Facing Demons
Once you've dared God to snatch you up during a thunderstorm, facing old demons doesn't seem quite so scary. You can read about that here, here, and here.

So how have things changed? Everything else aside...you might want to read this post before you go any farther.

For the first time in, well, probably forever, I enjoyed the month of August. On the day school started? I was fine. I was actually better than fine. I was looking forward to it…having a little time to myself…recouping a little bit of my peace, quiet, and sanity. All the dreaded paperwork was finished…early. The day before? Just another Sunday…no stomach issues…no tension…no tears…slept great. That was all phenomenal, sure. But you want to know what the absolute best part was? Hopie picked up on Mama’s attitude, much like she always does…and you wouldn’t believe the change in her. She was excited, but not scared. She was smiling from the moment she got up that morning. And when she waved goodbye to me from the bus window? It wasn’t just her mouth that was smiling. Her eyes…her body language…she was positively radiant!

The next month? Claire started preshool. Day one and not only did we survive it but one could say we were thriving. She was happy and excited and ready to go. No tears, no tummy aches, just lots of big smiles. I didn’t cry when I left her…can you believe it? I can’t! Don’t get me wrong, I felt a big old tug, but it’s time for her to be with other kids and have somebody else leading her besides Mama. And when I went to pick her up? She came racing out of her room, jumped into my arms and cried, "Mama!!! I missed you!!!" That's some pretty awesome stuff there folks! And yes, I did cry later when I was looking at the picture posted here...she just looks so very grown up.

I have a peace...a center...that's not been there before. My spunk...my fire...my determination...my smile...I've missed them...and it's so good to have them return. My life has light...and color...and warmth again. No, it's not perfect...and I'm not where I need or want to be yet. But I am ok with where I am now. And that my friends, is something to be proud of.

I had mentioned in a prior post that during my last check-up, the nurse suggested I try taking a daily Vitamin D supplement. I’m the one who pulled myself out of the third concentric circle of hell by my fingernails for the last year…I’ve got the burn scars to show for it. I’ve faced down more demons…and won…than I ever imagined I could. Believe me, I know, I was there. I am ultimately the one who did all of the work...and I'm not trying to take away from that in any way, shape or form. You've got to go through your fire to get to the other side. But that little white vitamin tablet, at least for me, takes the edge off, rounds off the corners a little, and helps makes my journey just a little easier.

I want to take a moment to say a few words about my friend. Perhaps a better word to describe him would be catalyst. I don't know why God placed him in my life when He did but I am eternally grateful to Him for it. I trusted this person without giving it a second thought...I've never been so open, so trusting, so comfortable with anyone before, or most probably after. He kicked down every single wall I had ever built...effortlessly...and I let him. He is the person who started this change. He taught me to trust myself, showed me just how strong I am, allowed me to see Mel as the world sees her, was there for me each and every time I needed to cry or whine or bitch or laugh or smile, and always, always knew just what to say to make me pick myself up and keep going. He shared so many wonderful bits of wisdom with me, but the one that perhaps resonates the most, was just two simple words. He said, "You matter."

He has since moved on...probably helping someone else get his or her life together. It's his gift and most likely his curse as well. I miss him...a lot. But I want not only him, but anyone else reading this to know I am NEVER going back. Back to the darkness, the fear, the self loathing, the hiding from everyone and everything, building walls...never again. Those few months that he shared himself with me, our friendship, what he taught me, mean too much to me to ever disrepect it in that way. It meant more to me than you can ever know. I'm going to honor that relationship and keep going forward, keep fighting, keep living, keep being Mel whoever she happens to be at that exact moment, and keep smiling.

Now, I simply wouldn't be Mel if I didn't share a song with you that is just scary appropriate to this post, would I? Enjoy it...live your life like it matters...be...Amazing.

Amazing
By Aerosmith

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin' to walk through
The pain

When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishin that I
Would die

[Chorus:]

It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight

That one last shot's a permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings

You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay
Alive

[Chorus:]

Listen to the whole thing...the very end is my favorite part!

Mel's Walls

2010-09-20T15:17:00.001-04:00

I know some folks have been wondering if I'm still talking to God...and if He's still answering. In a word, yes. The lines of communication are still open. I'm still cautiously optimistic. As always, I don't trust Him like I should, but He still loves me...and He still keeps trying. If He's willing to work at it, then so am I.

I can't say He's spoken in audible tones since very early this year. One of those "wait" messages. Y'all know how good I am with those. But, as I have learned through this journey called Mel's Life...He can make His message just as loud and just as clear without ever opening His mouth. You have to be open to receiving that message from anyone...at any time...from anywhere.

The last big one came at church. No surprise there really...

A couple of weeks ago we dropped the girls off at Sunday School. While Garry took the newspapers to the recycle bin I went up to the balcony to read. I've become more than addicted to my nook that the girls bought me for Mother's Day this year. While I waited for it to power up I skimmed the bulletin...the picture on the front didn't really register with me at that point. Garry appeared, sat down, laid his bulletin on the pew next to me and as I glanced down at it I think I actually shouted, "That's EARL!"

The picture on the front of the bulletin...the same one posted here...was my beloved Earl. You don't know Earl??? Allow me to introduce him. I don't know who chose the picture...or why that was the picture they chose. I don't really care. I thanked our pastor profusely...he looked at me like I was nuts...most people do...I'm used to it...I revel in it! ; )

My stomach was filled with butterflies...I knew this meant something...I knew there was going to be a message for me somewhere and I needed to pay attention. The hymns were good...but that wasn't it. The readings and the sermon were good...about angels of course...but I still wasn't getting it. I thought, "Well...ok. Maybe the picture is the message. Maybe that is simply all there is to it." Ohhh...what was that "wait" thing I mentioned earlier? Shortly after I had that last thought, our pastor began his pastoral prayer:

"O God, our lives are surrounded by walls. Some walls are good and strong and keep things in where they should be. But other walls keep people out. We confess that too often we build walls made of fear, anger, misunderstanding and hatred. Too often we build walls to protect ourselves from being hurt, from being changed or from being vulnerable. In our blindness and prejudice, we forget the gates, doors, and windows in our walls.

Help us, O God, to build walls that are freeing...walls that set boundaries of love and responsibility within which we may live and love and play. Help us, Loving God, not to be so quick to judge others. Help us to not create boundaries which separate us from your love for us, but rather enable us to trust in the protective walls that you provide.

Heal our judging spirits, we pray, and make us forgiving people, shaped within your transforming love. Be with us as we build up and take down the many walls in our lives. Grant us the wisdom to know when to construct, when to confront, when to climb, when to dismantle, when to ignore, and when to go around the walls of our lives. And help us to remember that some of our walls may actually be bridges, answers to unspoken prayer. Amen."

Do you think He was talkin' to me? Yeah...pretty amazing isn't it? It took my breath away then, and it does the same every single time I read it.

Thanks J for sharing this, making me a copy, and for just being you.

Be blessed y'all...until next time,

I'm Not That Girl Anymore

2010-09-15T15:26:00.003-04:00

Ok, let me tell you something about high school. It was NOT the best time of my life. It was, in fact, horrific. I wasn't involved in sports (surprise!)...didn't play in the band or sing in the choir...was never invited to a party or asked out on a date...and was ditched by just about each and every "friend" I ever had when a potential boyfriend or girlfriend came on the scene but was expected to always be there for those "friends" when said potential relationships didn't work out. Looking back...I think I looked like a boy...an extremely skinny boy...with bad hair, bad skin, and chipmunk cheeks. I had less than zero self-esteem. No one paid attention to me unless it was to make fun of me...sometimes behind my back but most of the time to my face. I pretended that I didn't care but every hurt registered and each was filed away. I'm sure this comes as no surprise to anyone who has read my ramblings for longer than six minutes...none of those hurts were ever dealt with. I survived my high school career by having a very loud, very smart mouth and by making other people laugh. Hey, it worked...if I had them laughing about someone or something else they weren't laughing at me.

And so, for these and millions of other reasons, I'm sure you can see why I never saw the need to attend any of my high school reunions. My excuse was always the same, "I've kept in contact with everyone I'm interested in keeping in touch with." And believe me folks...don't think the sting was any less severe when for whatever reason I wasn't even invited to one of our early reunions.

When Mel's Walls came tumbling down last summer those old hurts were just as alive, just as painful, as if they had happened yesterday...and suddenly...I'm being told that lists are circulating via Facebook and email, searching for contact info for classmates for our 30th reunion. What did I care? I wasn't going...and the hurts just bubbled to the surface again because even though I was just as visible on Facebook and Classmates.com as many other former classmates...and I had received information about the last two reunions...and I still live in the same little town I grew up in...and am in the phonebook...I was on those lists of classmates they couldn't locate.

Well meaning "friends" took it upon themselves to tag me in 37 different notes assuming I would be interested. I spent the greater portion of two months removing those tags. I got tired of telling people I wasn't interested...it was the whole screaming into a vacuum thing all over again. I finally received an email from my friend Jane who knows me well enough to put it into terms I'll respond to. She said she knew I was hiding, but at least give the committee my information so they could take me off the list of folks they couldn't find. Ok...I did it...I grumbled the whole time...but I did it.

I'm sure it was during one of those grumbles The Friend said to me, "You've got to go." I said, "Where?" He said, "To your reunion." I said, "You're out of your *insert your own expletive here* mind." He said, "No I'm not. You're going." I said...well, you can guess what I said. This conversation was returned to numerous times over the span of a couple of months with phrases coming from him like, "You are the most stubborn woman I know! You are GOING *insert another expletive here...or three*!

He finally wore me down and by late last summer I had decided I would go. I still didn't want to go, but I was going. I asked my best friend from high school...that would be Sherri...to go with me. She said she'd go if I forced her to but it really wasn't something she wanted to do. I certainly couldn't fault her for those feelings. I told her we'd have lunch the weekend after the reunion so I could give her all the details. So, I would go by myself and face down all the noisy demons that had broken free...put those bad boys to rest once and for all. I shared my decision with The Friend. He was happy, but he still wasn't convinced I'd go through with it. He looked me in the eye and said, "Promise me you'll go. Trust me...you're going to regret it if you don't." If I remember correctly I rolled my eyes and said something to the effect of, "I said I was going! OK?"

So, for the next year I kept it to myself. I got sick to my stomach just writing the check for my ticket. Every little reminder email that came in made me want to run screaming into my closet and never come out. I think by the time the actual reunion rolled around I had told all of five people I was going...and that's not counting The Friend, or anyone who lives in my house, or the reunion committee.

The Reunion Proper was to be held on a Saturday night. The Friday before, we were to meet at our old high school which will soon be no more, for one last tour and then an informal gathering at a local restaurant. Just hours before the Friday night festivities were to begin, several other classmates convinced Sherri she needed to go. When she pulled into the driveway I made her get out of the car so we could take pictures. She said, "Geez you're bossy!" To which I replied, "And you're just learning this now?" But notice, she did get out of the car and have her picture taken.

The drive from my house to the high school takes about five minutes. I was surprisingly calm after being a total whack job for the last year. I asked her if she was going to go to the Official Reunion the next evening. She emphatically told me she was not. She had no intention of putting on uncomfortable dress clothes. I said, "Sherri? It's CASUAL. I'm wearing jeans...and only a slightly less slutty top than what I'm wearing tonight." She wasn't convinced.

We pulled into the high school drive and saw a decent sized crowd of who we assumed to be our classmates. Sherri drove by slowly, beeped her horn, and we gave them all the parade/princess wave. Did I forget to mention that Sherri was voted Class Clown?

I won't lie...the walk from the parking lot was tough. My stomach was churning and I really wanted to run back to the car and go home. As we approached the group, everyone just kind of parted, and there stood this guy I've known since...fourth grade? Granted, I haven't seen him in 30 years, but as soon as he saw me he smiled and held out his arms for a hug. I don't know why, but as soon as we hugged, I knew everything was going to be fine. So thanks Mike...it meant a lot!

Our old high school...well...it seemed a whole lot smaller than what it did 30 years ago...even though they've added onto it since we graduated. And it has this...funk about it. I'd drive one of the bulldozers and knock that sucker down for free if they'd let me. But it was fun walking around and watching everyone find their old locker and try to remember the combination. At one point Mike and I found this stash of old cosmetology relics and were laughing like idiots...I'm still not exactly sure what some of the items were...let alone what they were used for.

Next stop, the north end of town to see who didn't make the tour and was waiting for us on the patio at The Restaurant. Folks? I'm going to tell you right now...I had one of the best times of my life that night. It was fun...it was relaxed...it was insane...and I loved every minute of it. I believe the phenomena I found most interesting was everyone there breaking into groups of three or four. All the groups would then openly stare and point at the other groups, trying to figure out who the members of those other groups were. After about five minutes, the groups would mingle and then break up into different groups and the game would start again. Eventually everyone knew who everyone else was. HA! I think I won for being the person that the most people had no clue who I was. After awhile it got to be a game. Jane and another high school friend, Randy would start grabbing people, dragging them over to where we were standing and say, "Do you know who this is?" Of course they didn't...they would blush, stammer, and stare blankly at me hoping the floor would swallow them. Randy or Jane would say, "You don't remember Missy? Are you kidding? She looks exactly the same!" (I'd like to take this moment to remind you that there are very few humans in this world who get away with calling me "Missy"...and I'd also like to clarify that at least in MY mind, I look NOTHING like I did in high school!) At one point I shared the conversation between Sherri and myself about what I would be wearing the next evening. I was told that my slutty top was being enjoyed and that it's not every chick pushing 50 that can pull off something like that. : D

Sherri and I took off around 11:00 and then, as we usually do, spent the next couple of hours in her car, sitting in my driveway talking. Again, the same group of people who convinced her she needed to attend the informal function had convinced her she needed to show up Saturday night as well. Yay!

The next night was really no different. I reconnected with my freshman science lab partner. That girl swears like a sailor...who knew? Those of us who swear like truckers salute you Sue! I laughed...I chatted with people I haven't seen in decades...I fielded compliments about my choice in slutty tops...I noticed that quite a few classmates have become absolutely human. Of course, there are still members of my class who haven't changed a bit...but that was good to see as well. One of my biggest demons walked up to me, called me by name, and shook my hand. I was floored beyond belief...the demon remembered me without a nametag, was polite, looked like hell, and I just didn't care anymore. Check.

Oh and make sure you check out my top, the bracelets and my watch! Those are all treasures from my Totally Excellent Cheesecake Adventure! ")

Jane, Mel and Randy

Jane apparently took this shot without me knowing and posted it on Facebook titled "Missy's Tat". I guess it's only fitting. She's the one who gave me my first tattoo by drawing it on the back of my neck in French Class. No I'm not telling you about it. She's evil...but I love her. ; )

Mike and Mel

Would I have regretted missing this? Absolutely. Will I go to the next one? Well...just wait and see...because as I learned not only from this experience, but from the last year...I am NOT that girl anymore. ")

Hugs y'all,

Mel's Totally Excellent Cheesecake Adventure---Part Two

2010-08-13T16:19:00.005-04:00

As you may or may not know, I have been given the ability to face huge challenges head on...most times without a second thought. But the little things? You know...the little piddly, day to day irritations? Those I tend to push down and let bug the snot out of me...until there are so many of them they boil over and explode. That's what landed me in the ER so many times over so many years. Eventually, the shit is going to get to you. Deal with it now, don't let it build up.

Sooo...that first night, by myself, in the hotel, away from home I realized I had forgotten my hairbrush. Yes, I know...you're holding your sides and laughing hysterically. My hair? Like I'd miss a hairbrush? Well, I knew there was a Target but a mere spitting distance away but I had just gotten out of the shower and I really didn't feel like getting dressed and going to Target for just a hairbrush. The fact that I had that thought immediately after, "How the hell am I going to dry my hair in the morning without a hairbrush?", I think shows amazing progress. I decided I'd use my fingers instead and see what happened.

I woke up at 4 a.m. the next morning. I have no idea why. It wasn't storming...there wasn't any noise other than highway noise and I like that...it wasn't too hot or too cold...the alarm didn't go off. I got up, looked out the window, saw it was still pitch black, put my glasses on to check the clock, muttered a few choice expletives, and crawled back into bed until the alarm went off at 6 and promptly slept through it until 7. Hey! I'm on vacation...leave me alone!

I got up, got dressed, and started to work on my hair. After about 5 minutes with the blow dryer my fingers seemed to be an adequate substitute. Check. I pulled out my hairspray to finish the deal and...it didn't work. I could've pumped that sucker until Republicans and Democrats hold a mutual lovefest for each other on Capitol Hill and still been left with nothing. I shook it...I took the assembly apart...blew into it...ran it under hot water...and finally the thing decided to work. I can do this. ; )

I grabbed my purse, my room key, and my nook and headed downstairs for breakfast. Ok...you know how I love Aerosmith...right? Every single time I got into the elevator and pressed the button for the first floor a computerized female voice would say, "going down". I'd giggle to myself as a certain song would immediately start playing in my head...no...it wasn't "Crazy"...smart alecks...

The dining area was empty for the most part. I grabbed a bagel and some cereal and sat at a table near the window. Before I fired up my nook I went back for some juice...and a banana...and a blueberry muffin. See? I was eating. I finished my breakfast, read a couple more chapters, cleaned up my table and headed back upstairs to plan my day. I got off at the 6th floor, turned right, stopped at my room, put my keycard in the slot and...nothing. Dear Lord...it was the hairspray thing all over again. After about a dozen failed attempts I headed back downstairs to the lobby. The nice guy at the front desk was beyond helpful...and apologetic. He made me a new card plus a spare. When I got in the elevator to head back upstairs, I started to laugh, thinking about the guy who had ridden up with me the night before and felt the need to inform me, "I can't wait to get out of these pants...it's so hot out there!" Thanks for sharing...good to know buddy...good to know.

I had planned on spending two days at the "shopping village" but one day was more than enough. I had seen all the stores...most of them were undergoing renovations...those that were open were jammed into a "temporary" location. One of them didn't even have adequate lighting...just a string of some type of industrial lights that turned everything a sickly shade of yellowish green. I had absolutely no desire to deal with the traffic around that area again either. I decided to head to my mall. Now, that statement in and of itself is something else. You see...I hate malls...and as far as I'm concerned, they're pretty much all the same. But, this one, my mall, holds some pretty special memories. Maybe it's because that's where I go on my getaways...maybe it's because it was the first place I ventured out to on my own after a lot of years...maybe it's because nobody knows me...or maybe it's because I can just be Mel there and I like who Mel is there. In any case, that's where I headed for the day.

As soon as I arrived I headed to The Disney Store hoping to find something for the girls. Nothing...all of the Disney Stores close to us have closed, and all the ones left open have nothing. It's sad. I meandered around for a bit and ended up finding a store chock full of Silly Bandz. Yes, my girls are as obsessed with them as everyone else. Why didn't I think of making colored rubber bands in all manner of shapes? I bought several packages and decided to get down to business.

One of the major reasons for this trip was to locate something to wear to my 30th High School Reunion. I didn't want to go...seriously. But that friend? Yeah...him again? It was about this time last year he encouraged me...no...pushed me...no...pretty much ordered me to go. He told me I'd regret it if I didn't. You'll hear more about said reunion later.

I had already decided I was going to wear jeans...you know...my Buckle jeans from a previous trip? ; ) I just wanted a cute top to go with them. I planned on starting at Macy's on the upper level and then going into every store, on both levels, that I thought might have a certain style I was looking for. I was going to look at all of them before I started trying any on.

As I started for Macy's I passed The Comfort Zone, an acupressure massage place run by Asians. Every single time I've been to this mall they are standing out in front of the place trying to get people to come in. This time the woman came over, took my arm, looked me straight in the eye and said, "Free sample! FREE!" I don't know what it was about her...how quietly she said it...how beautiful her voice was...how very much she looked like Hope's ayi...but I said, "Where are you from originally?" She said, "China!" I said, "So are my daughters. In that case, I can certainly take the time for a free sample." Still holding my arm she took me inside to the waiting area and seated me in a chair. There were three men there in addition to the lovely woman who lead me inside and between the four of them they spoke just enough English to get by. She would say something in Mandarin, (I'm guessing it's Mandarin, could've been Cantonese...what do I know?) they would reply...occasionally with one or two words of English thrown in. While one of the gentlemen worked magic on my neck and shoulders we all managed to communicate what parts of China my girls were born in. I was handed a price list, I pointed to what I wanted and was treated to twenty minutes of heaven. Wow...the stuff I've been missing people!!! This guy had magic fingers...he was finding knots that had been buried for years. When my time was up I walked to the back of the shop, paid Mr. Magic Hands, thanked him profusely and then walked out into the mall. The woman and the other two men were out in the mall talking. Before I left I pulled out my wallet to show them pictures of my girls. All three of them made a huge fuss, no English of course, then she grabbed my wallet and they started looking at all of my pictures! She kept pointing to one of the pictures and saying, "Ai ya! Ai ya!" I said, "Ai ya!? That's the only thing my youngest daughter said when we brought her home! Ai ya!" She handed me my wallet and as I was putting it away she was trying to teach me something in Chinese. I just smiled and shook my head. At the same time, one of the men spotted my tattoo. He was tracing the characters, reading them and then saying, "yes...yes...". I looked at the woman and she had tears in her eyes and was smiling from ear to ear. She grabbed me…and hugged me! It was one of the sweetest and most natural things I’ve ever experienced. I said, "xie xie" and promised her I would be back. By the time I got to Macy's I realized I was shaking...not just from the wonderful emotional experience I had just been through but also because for the first time in decades I was completely relaxed and had no pain anywhere! I dropped into a chair in front of the store and just sat for awhile enjoying the feeling!

Once my legs didn't feel like rubber any longer I started my Tour For The Perfect Top '10. As is always the way? I ended up back at Macy's after being in every other store in the place. I tried on six or seven different choices, narrowed it down to two...ended up buying both of them ; ) Next I needed earrings and bracelets to match...yes I needed them! I took the tour again, ended up finding the perfect bracelet set at Charming Charlie but never did find any earrings that spoke to me...and it was time to eat! I wonder where I should go...

Back to the car to stow my purchases, grab my nook, and cross the parking lot to...yes...The Cheesecake Factory! I had already decided what I was going to order, as usual, before I walked in...or so I thought. I was seated in a section I'd never been in before...not a whole lot of traffic. I was slightly disappointed...I am an observer after all...but I had my nook and I was at The Cheesecake Factory for crying out loud! I was a happy girl...about to get much happier. As I powered up my nook I saw a hand resting on my table and heard a male voice say, "I'll be right with you miss!" (miss!!!) I looked up, smiled, and said, "Not a problem." Seriously people? What problem could I have with this? My waiter was excruciatingly good looking. Think...oh...Justin Timberlake but darker...and leaner. As I was soon to learn, Ryan was also as personable as he was good looking. We talked about food...and cheesecake...his mother...his childhood...what? You don't have conversations like this with your servers? Maybe you should try it sometime! He kept prefacing his statements with "When I was a kid...". I finally said, "When you were a kid? What...last week?" He blushed...he actually blushed! He said, "Well I thank you but I'm no kid! I have a ten year old. I'm thirty." I laughed...not a giggle...not a chortle...not a chuckle...but a full out, cover your mouth with your hand and look around to make sure nobody is looking laugh. I said, "Oooo! Thirty! I've got seventeen years on you kid!" He started laughing...we started talking about our children...he said that since he has a ten year old and mine are both under ten, he's ahead of me on that one. Ohhhh...he was fun. So was lunch. Food you say? Ok, this was my lunch, and of course, dinner again that evening.

That delicious looking mound of mouth watering goodness is The Cheesecake Factory's Chicken and Biscuits. Notice I got another hearty portion of world's best mashed potatoes as well. And for dessert? Well, Ryan didn't have just one favorite to share. He had at least five favorites...and this is the one I chose.

Doesn't *that* look yummy? That would be a slice of their Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake. I want another one...now...

So after my tummy was full, and I'd read a few more chapters, Ryan the 30 Year Old Boy Wonder (dear Lord...born the year I graduated high school) boxed up my leftovers, brought me my bill and asked me when he was going to see me again. I said, "Tomorrow?" He said, "I'll be here!" Yes...I left him a substantial tip. ; )

All right, it was time to head back to the hotel before traffic became a nightmare. As I walked across the parking lot and crawled into the Jeep I got nailed by an unexpected case of the giggles. I actually said, out loud, "God he was CUTE!" Yeah...I did!

I was a bit later than the day before and it showed. I had to sit in traffic for a short while...and was sure I missed my exit at one point...yeah, a brand new chorus of, "fuck, fuCK, FUCK!". But this time? Those choruses were interspersed with "God he was CUTE!" Hey...working on balance here folks. I do have it tattooed on my back after all! ; ) I realized I was exactly where I needed to be as soon as my exit came into view.

Ok, back at the hotel, crank up the air conditioning, check my email and just enjoy not having anything I have to be doing. I eventually went downstairs...grabbed myself a root beer (I know...I'm scandalous) and then hit the treadmill for an hour. After that? Leftovers of course! I had just finished my dinner when Hope called. I flipped open my phone and said, "This is Mama!" She said, "Hi!" I said, "Hi baby Hope!" There was a pause...and my oldest child...my angel...the strongest human being I know...who never cries...sobbed, "Mama! I miss you! Why are you gone? I want you home!" It took everything I had not to collapse on the floor in my own pool of tears. I promised her I would be home the next afternoon. Oh...how I love that child. I talked to Claire for a bit...and The Spousal Unit...told everybody I'd see them the next day. It's good to be missed y'all.

Well, let's see...I still needed to grab a shower and get things packed up...and I still had more than half of that slice of Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake in my mini-fridge calling to me. When I got out of the shower I started thinking about telling my friend Dave the day before how I was going to walk around naked. I giggled...and then I thought, "Why the hell not?" So I did! HAAAAAAAAAA!!! (Yes Dave, I stayed in my room!) Not only did I walk around, but I packed my suitcase, got everything out and ready for the next morning and then...yeah...this one was the good one...I ate the chocolate cheesecake. I highly recommend it...all of it...should you ever get the chance. ; )

To say I had mixed emotions the next morning was an understatement. I missed my kids...but I didn't want to leave my own private little vacation spot either. There were tears when I drove away from the hotel. I headed back towards my mall. I had planned on getting another henna tattoo and then grabbing a quick lunch...you know where.

The girl who does the henna wasn't working that day...and I had at least an hour to kill before The Cheesecake Factory opened. Sooo...guess where I went? Yeah...I went back for another massage! One of the gentlemen was out in front of the shop. He said something to me which I didn't hear. I stepped closer, he put his arm around me and said, "Free sample?" I said, "How about if I just go ahead and pay you?" We walked into the shop and the woman from the day before actually shouted when she saw me. She ran over to us, gave me a huge hug, and I said, "I told you I'd be back!" She put her arm around me and said, "Table!?" The day before I had had a chair massage, apparently I was to have no more of those...I was going straight to the table! It was blissful...but in a different way. This one was downright painful. Again, he was working out knots that I didn't even realize were there. Every so often he'd say, "Ok lady?" I'd just squeak, "yes!" and he kept doing what he was doing. Now...does anyone find it as paradoxical as I do that me, the one who hates to be touched, lets some guy who I normally wouldn't even allow to share my airspace, put his hands all over me and then I sit up and say thank you, hand him money...and come back for more the next day?

I thought about buying another bracelet...but there were too many choices as to what I could put on it to commemorate this trip. "God he was CUTE"..."fuck,fuCK,FUCK"..."I can do this." Actually folks, the "I can do this" is seriously being considered for the next tattoo...it means that much to me.

As I made my way towards my own personal restaraunt nirvana, I realized that the service alley beside it, that is usually gated, was wide open. I also noticed someone was back there having a cigarette. Any guesses who it was? I yelled, "You realize that's bad for you...right?" He looked at me like I was certifiably insane and then, his face completely changed...features softened...smiled from the inside out. Ryan yelled back, "HEY! How ya doin'?!" No, he didn't wait on me that day. But it's ok...it's nice to be remembered!

These were my choices for my last meal. It was early, I had a long drive ahead of me, and I figured I should put something in my stomach besides cheesecake beforehand. Yes...even their salads are huge.

Again, the choice for dessert had been made before I even left home earlier that week. This flavor was making its debut the very next day, but since I'm a fan of TCF on Facebook, I had a coupon to try it for just $1.50 one day early. Yeah...the Reese's Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake was incredible.

I ordered a slice of Adam's Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple to take home for The Spousal Unit and headed for home.

The drive home was almost as exhilarating as the walking around naked stuff. I had chosen AC/DC for my return trip and kept turning those boys up louder and louder until I could feel the bass line in the driver's door...and my seat...and the steering wheel...and the floor. At one point I glanced at the speedometer and noticed I was going just a tad over the speed limit...by about 30 or so m.p.h. What? I corrected it...shut up!

You know what else was pretty cool? Seeing the expression on my Hope's face when she spotted me peeking into her bedroom. You know what was even better? Having both of my girls jump me and smother me with hugs and kisses.

I can do this.

P.S. Stay tuned...next post? My 30th High School Reunion

Mel's Totally Excellent Cheesecake Adventure---Part One

2010-08-04T17:37:00.005-04:00

Yes I'm still alive...I'm still growing...I'm still changing...although I have to say I'm ready for someone else to change for a bit...I need a break. ; )

Taking a vacation this year seemed like the impossible dream. The girls have gotten to the point where having them both in the car for longer than five minutes would drive the most hardened terrorist mad. These kids are the champion tattlers/teasers/talkers. My sanity has been stretched to its outer limits.

Several weeks ago The Spousal Unit told me to take a few days and just get away from everything. I didn't wait for him to mention it again. I rearranged a few appointments, and gave him my first choice of dates, which was last week. He got that week off for vacation then I started looking for hotels. You know...I'm usually the one who books the hotels, gets tickets etc. That's never bothered me...but this was different...this was just for me. I know...I'm...unique...for lack of a better term. I looked at tons of hotels near where I wanted to disappear to. They were either all booked or were so excessively expensive that I wouldn't have any money left over for fun things...like...food. A friend of mine had recommended a hotel chain he had stayed at numerous times. There wasn't one exactly close to where I wanted to be, but it was available for the dates I wanted and I got a killer online rate.

The next couple of weeks I kept myself busy, much like any other day. One major project this spring and summer has been to tackle my landscaping. It's not done yet, there is still a great deal I'll need to do next year, but I feel as if I may actually have a handle on things now where that's concerned. This has obviously, upped my physical labor in a major way. I am also still walking for an hour every day if the weather allows. Add to those two things the fact that I'm dealing with a couple more major upheavals which I may or may not share in this forum, the appetite had for the most part disappeared and anorexia was knocking at the door again. I refuse to refer to it as "my" anorexia. That somehow implies ownership...that it needs to be nurtured...tended....cherished. Forget that shit. I implore anyone reading this...do NOT refer to any disease or condition as "yours", unless it's something you truly treasure and want as a part of your life. Myself? I've spent enough time dealing with the sneaky little bastard. It can leave me the hell alone for the rest of my life as far as I'm concerned!

As my date of departure got closer the little voices got louder. You know..."you can't do this"..."you're going to get lost"..."you're going to get sick"..."you're going to get killed"..."your kids are going to hate you"..."you're a bad mother for leaving them"..."you're selfish"...they were all there along with quite a few more. And with each one of those voices, my appetite left just a little more. On Monday of last week I went in for my yearly check-up. As the nurse was feeling along my spine she said, "Wait a minute...you've lost more weight...haven't you?" I said, "I don't know..." knowing full well I was at least three pounds under my danger weight. She checked the chart and said, "You've lost four more pounds. You can't afford to lose four more pounds. What are you going to do about it?" I said, "I'm going away tomorrow and eat cheesecake for three days." She said, "That's a good start." I also told her that the mood swings are getting worse. She told me to try adding a Vitamin D supplement every day. I'll get back to you on that one.

That night we took the girls to their first baseball game. We all had such a good time...but I couldn't eat. I managed to get down a pretzel. The next morning...the very thought of breakfast made me sick to my stomach. I loaded the Jeep, threw a bag of oyster crackers on the seat beside me, hugged my kids, and hit the road. As I told several people, "This is either going to cure me or kill me."

The weather last Tuesday was perfect. The drive was gorgeous...just me...Rob Thomas...Aerosmith...and lots of trucks. I LOVE trucks...all of them...but I have to say my favorite would be those bearing the Kenworth name. The closer I got to my destination, the heavier the traffic got...the more confusing the directions became...more lanes appeared on the highway. I turned off the CD player so I could concentrate and ended up exactly where I wanted to be. I said a prayer of thanks as I pulled into my parking spot, sent a text to The Spousal Unit telling him I was ok, and started to explore.

I had chosen to visit one of those...I don't know what they're called...shopping villages? You know...bunches of stores all built to look like a small village or something? I had heard good things about this place and had planned on spending a couple of days checking it out. I hadn't even gotten out of the parking lot before I realized I had either lost or left home without my watch. Well...there you go...I need to go buy a new watch! I found The Fossil Store and spent 15-20 minutes checking out their inventory and chose a couple to try on. When the young man handed me the second watch, I noticed that one of the cabochons was missing from the band. I said, "Umm...it looks like one of the stones is missing already from this one." He was mortified...his manager was mortified...they pulled out a brand new one and handed it to me. At this point? I was having fun. I already knew I was going to buy it...but I said, "Now...none of these stones are going to fall off like that other one did...right? Huh? Right? Are you listening?" After every question I would reach out and flick the guy's arm. He was laughing...he knew I was having fun. So was he. I paid for my purchase while he set the time and the date. I put on my new watch and headed out to take care of "my list". If you've been reading me for any length of time, you know how I am about my lists.

I took care of my 5 for $25 Victoria's Secret fix next. I'm addicted. I don't care. I've decided you can't have too many cute pairs of panties. Thank you.

I wandered around some more and realized I felt hungry. It was too early for lunch but I managed to find an Auntie Anne's and grab one of their deliciously buttery and salty hot pretzels to tide me over. More walking...more looking...more exploring...rest break.

Now...this is one of those things I wish I had invented. Seriously...just making the door wider and giving it an overlap so you have more privacy in the stall..and hide your hiny. Yes, I took a flash picture...yes there was someone in the stall next to me. Honestly, you should know me well enough by now to know...I DON'T CARE.

I also discovered the "new generation" of hand dryers. Dear Lord! They really work! They also blow so hard you feel like you're in some type of astronaut training exercise and your jewelry/clothing/skin is going to shoot off of your body. But yes...they do work. And no...I didn't get a picture of that.

I continued to meander through "the village" and ended up at Macy's. I was almost out of Sensuous and I figured Macy's should have an Estee counter. I was right...I didn't have to go too far. As luck would have it, Pam, as she introduced herself, had one gift set left. It was the largest bottle they make, plus body lotion, plus shower gel, all for the same price as just the large bottle of perfume. Of course, before I could pay her she had to ask if I would like to partake in any of their free services. She gave me a brochure and I was reminded of the last Estee makeover I had gotten probaby 20 years ago. To be fair? I've also gotten great make-up tips and advice from the Estee employees. This one was just...well...not. She used a Kleenex to put the foundation on and then I don't know...a trowel for the rest of the make-up. I had most of it wiped off before I got out of the store. But...here I was...on my first solo adventure...and Pam was being so nice...so I told her I'd let her do one of the lip treatments. It was supposed to make my lips look fuller. I had to laugh...she made me take off my lipstick...and the shade she chose for my "makeover"...was the exact same Estee shade she made me wipe off. It was fun to be pampered...I paid her for my Sensuous...thanked her...walked outside...and wiped it off! HAAAAA!!! Yeah...thanks Pam...but I'll do my own make-up.

I finished my tour, was starting to get hot...and hungry...and grouchy. I put my packages in the Jeep, grabbed my nook, and headed into Barnes and Noble to cool off before I tried to put food into my stomach. I powered up my nook, didn't see anything new/free in store that I needed to download and sat contentedly for the next 20 minutes or so in the quiet, air conditioned comfort...reading. One last pitstop and...off to The Cheesecake Factory!

Yes...that was my lunch...and dinner. Those mashed potatoes were the best thing I've ever tasted and the spicy corn succotash was to die for. The cajun spiced chicken was also good but geez! I have no idea how many pieces of chicken were there to begin with but there were well over a dozen left when I was finished! The servers are supposed to recommend their favorite flavor of cheesecake for your dessert. It didn't matter what she said, I had already picked out my flavor before I left home several days previous. I love poring over the menus online and deciding what I want well in advance! It just so happened that her favorite and my choice were exactly the same! Adam's Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple...with chunks of peanut butter cups...and Butterfinger...and...yummmmmm..... Oh, and yes, there was at least half of this left over for later as well. ; )

I put lunch in the win column. I ate...I chatted with the young couple next to me...I read a few more chapters...I enjoyed the air conditioning.

I glanced at my new watch and saw that it was time to hit the road. My hotel was at least 30 minutes away, check-in time was fast approaching, I had a Jeep full of supplies that had been sitting in the heat for hours, and I wanted to be off of the highways before rush hour. Back in the Jeep...look over my directions one last time...get the heck out of there. Well...shortly after pulling out of the parking lot I was headed the wrong direction. No big, it was basically all a big circle and I righted myself after a trip around the block. Back on the highway...going the right direction...check. Traffic...ick. Four to six lanes...ick. Somehow ended up going the wrong direction. I believe I said...ummm...."fuck". Yeah...I know I said that.

I actually recognized where I was at, got off at the next exit and was able to enter the highway going the right direction. So...now I'm watching for my exit and am happy to see that the numbers are actually going towards the number I'm looking for instead of away. I'm happy as a clam...save for all the loony traffic around me and not having a clue as to where I'm going. I'm watching the exit numbers and see that mine should be next! Guess what...it wasn't. Mine was skipped. Yeah...another "fuck"...only this one was more like "FUCK!" I looked at my directions again...I was exactly where they told me I should be...and yet...no exit. At this point it became, "fuck, fuCK, FUCK!" followed by, "I CAN DO THIS!" (That same person who recommended the hotel, told me at least twice before, when I felt like I was falling apart, "YOU CAN DO THIS!" Well, I don't get to hear his voice anymore. I think he's going through his own changes right now. I pray I equipped him with at least a small fraction of the skills he gave me.) So...I repeated again, "I CAN DO THIS!" I saw what lane I needed to be in and of course I wasn't anywhere near it. I started changing lanes and ended up right where the highway splits...it was either exit and get lost or drive like I used to in college...I called it "offensive driving"...and stay the course. You may remember? I can do this. I slowed to almost a stop in the split, waited until I saw a chance, and took it. Shortly after that, my exit appeared. I was never so happy to see anything in my entire life. Again, following the friend's directions of left, then two short rights, I was sitting in the hotel parking lot, breathing a huge sigh of relief. I didn't throw up...I didn't call for help...I didn't cry...I didn't come unglued. I just did it.

Another new adventure...checking in at a hotel. Again...I know...I'm unique. Got checked in, unpacked, sent an email home saying I was at the hotel, and collapsed into the desk chair to check my email. While I enjoyed my triumph I chatted with a friend online. He asked me what I was going to do for the rest of the evening. I told him I was going to check out what was going on downstairs, hit the treadmill for an hour or so, grab a shower and finish my leftovers. After that...no idea. He kept pressing so I said, "Well...maybe walk around naked. God knows I haven't done that in ages." He made me promise to stay in the room if I was going to do that. ; )

I stuck pretty much to that schedule! Ok, I didn't finish my leftovers but I did put a dent in them. Hope called after swimming lessons and I talked to both girls and The Spousal Unit while I watched the Indians beat the Yankees. I read until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and fell asleep listening to the trucks on the highway. ")

Oh, and the walking around naked bit? I saved that for the next day. ")

Stay tuned...for Part Two...of Mel's Totally Excellent Cheesecake Adventure...same blog time...same blog channel...

Deep Thoughts...Not By Jack Handy

2010-07-15T17:57:00.002-04:00

“Why are people...in general...no matter WHAT their sexual predisposition soooooo freakin' screwed up? It's like we grab onto SOMEONE and hang on for dear life...doesn't matter if it's good for the one doing the hanging on or the one being held. Gads...is it all just the habit or the routine thing? It becomes a habit...or routine...and we just continue doing it even though it has outlived its usefulness sometimes by years? Fear? Of being alone...of change...of having to look at yourself, who you are...your faults...of facing whatever it is that made you this way in the first place?”

Yeah...those are mine...

Mel...All My Best...Tracks 1 and 2

2010-05-27T15:50:00.001-04:00

I can sing. Yes, that's one thing I've always believed I can do. I've got a decent voice...untrained...but decent. I've even been paid to sing...more than once...so obviously someone else thinks I'm ok at it too.

As I've been going through a lot of my old...and new tunes...I've stumbled across some that I would love to record. You know...a cover CD "Mel Sings The Hits...Of Other People". This is going to be an ongoing project. I'm not putting them in any specific order as to which ones are the most significant to me or anything like that. The criteria I am using are fairly simple...I love the song...it has meaning for me...and it suits my voice. There are a lot of songs that meet the first two conditions but if I don't think I can do it justice I won't put it on my CD. ; ) Like anything by Martina McBride...she's got some phenomenal songs...at least four I'd love to take a shot at...but that little girl sings from her gut...nobody can belt one out like she can... I'm not even going to try. ; ) So here goes:

I actually did record myself singing this song in the late 90's...just messing around with the settings on my computer one afternoon.

Track One
I'm Making Believe by Ella Fitzgerald and The Ink Spots
Songwriters: Gordon Mack; James V. Monaco

I'm making believe that you're in my arms
Though I know you're so far away.
Making believe, I'm talking to you,
Wish you could hear what I say.

And here in the gloom, of my lonely room,
We're dancing like we used to do.
Making believe, is just another way of dreaming,
So 'til my dreams come true.

I'll whisper goodnight,
Turn out the light and kiss my pillow,
Making believe its you.

This song has been done so many times by so many incredible voices. I've actually combined two of my favorites here. The lyrics listed are those used by Miss Billie Holiday...what a presence. The video version is Ella's...I am a purist. This is the version with the full orchestra...I prefer just Ella and the piano. ; )

Track Two
But Not For Me by Ella Fitzgerald
Songwriter: George Gershwin

They're writing songs of love, but not for me.
A lucky star's above, but not for me.
With love to lead the way
I've found more clouds of grey
Than any Russain play could guarantee.
I was a fool to fall and get that way;
Heigh-ho! Alas! And also, lack-a-day!
Although I can't dismiss the mem'ry of his kiss, I guess he's not for me.

He's knocking on a door, but not for me.
He'll plan a two by four, but not for me.
I know that love's a game;
I'm puzzled, just the same,
Was I the moth or flame?
I'm all at sea.

It all began so well, but what an end!
This is the time a feller needs a friend,
When ev'ry happy plot ends with the marriage knot,
And there's no knot for me.

Your Future

2010-05-25T22:35:00.001-04:00

"You can't run away from your future. You have to run to it...no matter how far it is." ~ Allison Dubois on Medium

Jim

2010-05-19T15:13:00.004-04:00

Why am I sitting alone tonight,

when I could be out where the lights are bright?

It's all because of Jim, it's all because of Jim.

Why am I wasting these precious years?

Why am I crying these bitter tears?

It's all because of Jim, it's all because of Jim.

Jim doesn't ever bring me pretty flowers,

Jim never tries to cheer my lonely hours,

Don't know why I'm so crazy for Jim.

Jim never tells me I'm his heart's desire.

I never seem to set his love afire

Gone are the years I've wasted on him.

Sometimes when I get feeling low,

I say, "Let's call it quits."

Then I hang on and let him go

Breaking my heart in bits.

Some day I know that Jim will up and leave me,

But even if he does you can believe me,

I'll go on carrying the torch for Jim.

The first time I heard that song I was standing in the garage at my old condo. It was a beautiful summer morning, I had just returned from my walk and I was getting ready to paint several interior doors that were laid out on sawhorses in front of me. As soon as I heard the third line I ran out into the driveway and looked across the circle hoping beyond hope that our neighbor Opal was on her patio...or in her garage...or by her window...or standing in the middle of the street. No...I'd never actually seen her standing in the middle of the street...I'm embellishing. She was nowhere to be found. I went back into the garage and finished listening to that song...giggling like a schoolgirl the entire time. I got busy with my painting and within an hour she appeared in my garage to see how I was doing. I told her that I had just heard a song that reminded me of her and I sang what little I could remember of it. She said, "Oh!" and then continued, "Jim doesn't ever bring me pretty flowers..." We both burst out laughing.

The reason this song was so important? Well, Jim of course! Opal and Jim lived across from us for gosh, was it fifteen years? We couldn't have asked for better neighbors. They were the very first people we told when we decided to adopt from China. Although I love both of them dearly, I spent most of my time with Jim. I think the first time I met him I was having a minor freak-out about the guys in my house who were currently putting in all of the new carpet. I was standing on the sidewalk near the mailboxes. He came up to me and asked me what was wrong. Now, this was pretty major in and of itself because we'd never seen him talking to anyone before and by all appearances he seemed for lack of a better term, extremely gruff. I told him what was going on. He then told me how his wife was in the hospital, battling cancer, but it looked like she was going to be just fine. Then he said, "You want to go for a walk?" Two things began that day...my love for walking...and my friendship with Jim.

Jim and I walked together numerous times over the years. He had his route, I had mine, but if we ever crossed paths we'd walk together, or I'd change my route. ; ) On one of those chance encounters he said, "I need to go get a gallon of milk. Walk with me." And so I did. For years he'd walk all the way downtown to meet his buddies for coffee at one of the local coffee shops. When that place went out of business, they were welcomed into another. A couple of years ago after I dropped Hope off at school, Claire and I stopped by to see how he was doing. He was waiting on one of his buddies to come and pick him up for coffee. He couldn't walk that far any longer. He invited Claire and I in where he proceeded to tease her mercilessly...much like he had done to me for years. She took it much like her Mama did...she gave as good as she got. When his ride didn't show he asked if I'd drop him off downtown. We all piled into the Jeep and before we had even gotten out of the condo development he said, "Make sure you drop me off right in front of the coffee shop. I want to make sure that everyone sees I got a ride from my girlfriend and there's a baby in the car."

I don't remember exactly at what point he started referring to me as his girlfriend...it doesn't matter...I took it and still take it as high praise. Jim was a cross between...oh...the two lead characters in the Grumpy Old Men movies...and the father from Shit My Dad Says. He was also sweet, and kind, and totally endearing. His speech was sprinkled liberally with colorful epithets. He had extremely strong opinions about just about everything and wasn't afraid to share them. The word that comes to mind is curmudgeon. I hold no negative connotations to that label. I love curmudgeons...and curmudgeons have always loved me. It's a gift. ; )

We spent quite a lot of time in or around each other's flowerbeds. We had very different tastes, but still appreciated each other's work. Every year he'd plant several pots of begonias and say, "Now don't you think those are pretty?" Each year I'd tell him the same thing, "I suppose so...if you like begonias." He'd give a little growl...followed by a smile...sometimes even a laugh. I'd tease him about the number of tomato plants he'd put in. I was usually told, "Shut up." He would appear behind me while I was weeding...scare the living daylights out of me. I tend to weed by "standing on my head" as The Spousal Unit calls it. I don't sit, I bend...and stick my backside up in the air. Jim, or The Old Man as I took to calling him, never missed a chance to point this out. Once he yelled something across the circle at me while I was in said position. Me, being me of course, continued what I was doing, and yelled through my legs, "What?!" He eventually walked over and let me know that I had one of the prettiest "backs" he'd ever seen. If it wasn't my "back" it was my legs. I heard about those frequently. Once he added, "They remind me of my wife's legs." That one will never be forgotten. And as for him "never bringing me pretty flowers"? Simply untrue. He brought me at least one red rose that I can remember...and when we were getting ready to move he gave me one of his flower boxes. He said, "You're going to have to have some flowers at that new place. Here's something to get them started in."

I've got a million little Jim Gems...like...

He was working in his flowerbeds while I was standing in the circle talking to someone. If I remember correctly it was my brother. After he left, Jim walked over, put his finger in my face and said, "You, young lady, are a flirt." I leaned in and said, "It takes one to know one...young man." I hadn't had that out long before I got a swat across the butt with his garden spade. ; )

He got out his hibachi one spring, put it under the tree in his front yard, and lit the coals. I have no idea how much starter fluid he used but I kid you not, the flames were shooting at least four feet in the air. I remember driving past him, standing right there next to it, flames inches from his face. I could hardly keep from laughing...he just smiled and waved. Shortly thereafter he brought the hibachi and all of it's supplies over and offered it to The Spousal Unit.

Jim and Opal used to spend their winters in Florida. Garry and I would spend two weeks every January or February at Walt Disney World. During our last trip as a couple, we stopped in for a visit. Jim had just gotten out of the hospital and I was, well, scared. When we got there he was sitting in a chair, under a blanket and he just didn't look like...Jim. Yet, when I walked in, his smile lit the entire room. His fire returned...his eyes sparkled again...it was one of the best gifts I have ever received. He got up out of the chair and showed us their home. In one room there must have been at least three dozen pairs of his shoes lined up on the floor. You guessed it...I smarted off about it...called him "Imelda". He offered up a few dozen choice words about my mouth...but I got a hug later. I think I even got two. Oh, and yes, I called him Imelda several times after that.

He was an avid sports fan. You know me...born without the sports gene and proud of it. It galled him no end that I had no interest in golf...or Ohio State football. Politics? Ours couldn't have been any farther apart. He referred to a certain president as "Your President" and he knew I had no love for "His President". None of it mattered...none of it.

I bake pies several times a year for the church suppers. This didn't go unnoticed. One day he finally said, "Why don't you ever bake me a pie?" I said, "What kind do you want?" He replied, "Apple." I think I baked him at least 3-4 over the years. He always said the same thing, "You make a good crust." Again...coming from Jim? High praise.

Oftentimes if I was baking cookies and saw either of them out I'd take a plate over. One such day was exactly two weeks after 9/11. I had baked gingersnaps...and I was more than uneasy. Garry had been ordered to fly to Dallas for a meeting that day. I will never forget sitting in their cozy, warm kitchen with the two of them...eating cookies and sipping tea. I mentioned being scared. Jim looked at me and there was none of the usual michief in his gaze. He said, "You can't be afraid. You can't let those people make you afraid. If you do? They win." That's all it took...just those few words from a decorated World War II veteran. I felt safe again. He knew that too, because he immediately got up from the table and ordered me to help him hang a shelf. My job consisted of holding the tools and handing him whatever he needed. At one point I was told, "Ok, now hold her steady." I looked over my shoulder at Opal, grinned, then grabbed him around his waist, braced my legs and said, "Ok! I've got you!" He looked at Opal...he looked at me...shook his head and said, "The ladder...the LADDER." We knew what he meant...but where's the fun in that?

Again, I've got a million of them, but I'll end with this one because it is so Jim:

One summer quite a few homes and condos in our area were vandalized. Things were stolen, landscaping was ripped up, cars and homes were spray painted. Our fence and birdfeeders were spray painted, and our phone line was cut. The police sent an officer out early that morning to assess the damage. He and I walked around the outside of our unit and I pointed out what I had found. After he left I went across the circle as Opal had graciously offered the use of her phone so I could call the phone company to come out and repair our line. I had no sooner ended my call when Jim said, "Hey!" I'm not sure, but I think that's what he called me the most, "Hey!" I said, "Yes Jim?" He said, "Were you wearing a shirt when ______ came to your door?" He called the police officer by his first name...I don't think there were too many people in town that Jim didn't know. I raised my eyebrows at him and said, "What?" He said, "I watched the two of you walk around the side of your building. I swear you weren't wearing a shirt." My reply was something to the effect of, "Yes Jim. I know that when a police officer is going to be stopping by, I always make sure I'm not wearing a shirt."

If you haven't guessed it already, Jim is gone. I was reading the paper on Sunday and there "it" was...in the obituaries...Jim. 90 years old...leaving behind an amazing wife, two wonderful children, two loved beyond measure grandchildren, and more friends than you can count. I can't imagine what they are going through. I only had the smallest piece of him and I can barely function. I asked Garry if he would call Opal and see if there was anything we could do. I couldn't...I still don't think I can. He said she sounded like Opal...which is a very good thing but she is of course, going through one MAJOR adjustment. He said the last thing she said was, "Tell her (Mel) that just because he's not here anymore...doesn't mean she still can't come and visit."

Earlier this week, Claire and I went out to buy a sympathy card. I wanted something with flowers on it...and nothing sappy. I didn't have a whole lot of luck. Each one I picked up was even worse than the one before it. I could actually hear him saying, "Ohhh God..." as I read the saccharine sentiments to myself. I was just about to give up when I picked up this one:

Some men leave their mark

on the world

by the way they live

and the difference they make

in the lives they touch.

It didn't have any flowers on it, but the words were perfect. Jim LIVED. I've said it before about certain special people in my life...they have a spark...or a light that draws me to them. Jim had a FIRE...much like the flame he was cultivating on his hibachi that spring. The man lived life on his terms...and he died the same way. Never have I loved a human being the way I continue to love him. And he was...is...the only human who ever told me he loved me...that I never doubted.

This spring I am going to fill that flower box that he gave me with begonias...and every successive spring that I am allowed to spend here on this earth. I can't help but remember the last time I talked to Opal on the phone. I heard him mumbling in the background. She said, "Did you hear that?" I said, "No...what's he on about now?" She replied, "Jim says, 'Tell my girlfriend I still love her.' "

I love you too Old Man...I love you too.

Some day I know that Jim will up and leave me,

But even if he does you can believe me,

I'll go on carrying the torch for Jim.

Yeah...I Did. And I'd Do It Again Too!

2010-05-08T17:58:00.002-04:00

Shopping Update...Shopping Update...Shopping Update...

I went to Kohls today looking for some size 4 capris. Forget that...all the 4's I tried on in the "Ladies" or "Misses" departments looked like old lady pants. The Juniors section did however have at least three pairs (size 7) that are now a part of my wardrobe. I also bought two wildly exciting (not) camis to wear under other tops.

The bras were on sale...you KNOW how much I love shopping for those. Well, I needed one of the convertible strap deals for a top I bought a couple of weeks ago. So I took a deep breath and dove in headfirst. I chose four practical ones...and one that was just damn cute. The first practical one I tried on actually fit. WOOT! That's never happened before. The damn cute one fit too. I freakin' rock. So it wasn't black with green polka dots...but it does scream Mel...I just wish you could see that the back straps are bright yellow and black zebra print!

Yeah...it's sparkly...it's shiny...it's cute...and it's mine. And no, that isn't me in the picture. ; p

Nothin' but love for y'all,

Things That Make Me Smile

2010-05-06T15:39:00.012-04:00

I need this post today. I need this exercise today. My mind is not where it should be. It is lingering in dark places...focusing on things I can do absolutely nothing about...dwelling on too many unknowns...searching for answers to questions I may never have. I woke up this way. In the past if I had gotten out of bed in this kind of mood my entire day would be shot. Lots of tears...lots of time wasted waiting for someone or something to make me feel better. Well folks, one thing I've learned these last months? Nobody is going to do it for you. Write it down...stitch it into a sampler...tattoo it on your forehead: Nobody is going to do anything for you. Learn how to do things for yourself. You have the best answers for you.

So how do I get out of these moods? Well, some days I never fully do. But I am able to function without becoming a gelatinous pool of tears and sorrow. In all honesty, I've had more days filled with smiles in the last two or three months than I've had for the last several years. Do I recommend that all of you do it this way? Are you kidding me? Good Lord no. Again...you have the best answers for you. If opening up to friends, family, health care professionals, or your clergy works then DO IT! If eating ice cream six times a day and going skydiving naked appeals to you I say go for it. If you are so lost in the darkness that you need medical treatment to get out? Do NOT hesitate to seek out that help.

All right how do I start one of these days? Well, as I do most days. I get out of bed, get myself ready, feed and medicate the cats, get the girls up, dressed and fed, and get Hope on the bus before 8:30. After that, I sit down with my breakfast and my laptop, check my email, find out what's going on in the world, and finish by checking out what new ways Facebook is pimping me and my information out for that day. Each day I update my status...and on days like today I want to send out an emotional booty call. You know...vaguebooking at it's best? "My life sucks...why me...why must I go through something like this?" Yeah, I used to do that. Key words here being USED TO. That kind of thinking is a drug. All I was doing was putting out an all call for somebody else to come and make me feel better. I'd end up sitting at the computer basking in the warmth and sympathy of all those responding and end up feeling worse than I had when I started. I found that I quickly became used to it and craved even more attention. Well, no thanks. I've pulled myself out of that one and I'm NOT going back.

My statuses now alternate between what I'm actually doing, song lyrics, quotes, plain old smartass commentary, and inspirational messages. When I feel like crap, chances are more than good you'll find an inspirational message. First of all, that's probably going to resonate with someone reading it and possibly put a smile on his/her face. Secondly it smacks down the irrational thoughts in my head by replacing the negative with a positive. Does that keep the negativity at bay all day? Nope, but it's a damn good start.

Oh...my status for today?

Life is short...embrace those you love...treasure those who make you smile...hold close those who make you a better person...be the person you want to be...take a chance...reach out to someone who misses you...LIVE...start today. Don't deceive your free will at all...just receive it.---mostly Mel with a little help from Yes

Things That Make Mel Smile

1. Walking---yeah...still. I don't think there is another soul out there that gets how important this is to me. I am not being sarcastic when I tell you that my walks are what hold me together. My grip on sanity is tenuous at best. Without that hour at least six times a week I can just hang it up here and now. It's not just the exercise, although that is the major point. It's getting out...enjoying the sunshine...the breeze on my face. Having no responsibility other than what tunes I am listening to, keeping my stride short, not coming down too hard on my heels, and aligning my body to work either my legs, butt, or core. (I know...I'm a geek. Get used to it. I revel in it.)

At least once a week I run into someone and we'll stop and chat for a bit. If it's one of the many dogs on my route I have to stop and make a fuss...especially over the latest addition...world's cutest eight week old Boston Terrier. Of course, if I run into Phil we chat for more than a bit because we have to know what each other is listening to, which leads to him singing to me and then we start discussing friends from high school. Phil is my former high school history teacher. He has sung to me each and every time he's seen me in the last 30+ years. Phil makes me smile.

2. Music---again...yeah...still. The songs have changed though. Before they were, for lack of a better explanation, picking at scabs. The walls were down but all the hurts were still there and needed to be experienced before the healing could begin. After everything was left raw and bleeding I transitioned into a phase of healing. For whatever reason I found myself going through a bunch of my old country CD's and then downloading even more country music online. Thank you Randy Travis, Marty Stuart, Martina McBride, Brad Paisley, Diamond Rio, and Hal Ketchum. I can proudly tell you those scabs are now healed. There are still scars...there always will be. But they are a badge of honor to prove to myself that I've done it...I've made it through. Oh, and my "Then You Stand" bracelet? I've worn it every day...the heart is scratched, battered, and scarred...but still beautiful...still worth loving...just like my own.

So what's next? Well, I've moved into my "rebuilding" phase. No, I'm not rebuilding the walls. I'm rebuilding Mel. There were a lot of good things about old Mel. I can't tell you how many people have looked me straight in the eye and said, "Mel, you were pretty special to begin with. That's all part of who you are too...don't lose her!" So maybe "integrating" would be a better term. What am I listening to now? Well, my musical tastes have always run a pretty wide gamut. I'm told weekly if not daily by one family member or another that my taste in music sucks. It doesn't bother me anymore. It is, after all, MY taste in MY music. Right now I'm obsessing over AC/DC. When The Spousal Unit heard it he said, "YOU'RE listening to AC/DC? You used to call that Devil Music!" So I did...and now I don't. I hear a certain one of their songs in my head whenever I walk into a new situation...makes me stand taller...gives me immense confidence...and maybe even a bit of a swagger. No, I'm not going to tell you which one...it'll be more fun for you to decide! Also in heavy rotation...Clay Walker, Carrie Underwood, Dido, Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Annie Lennox and a few dozen more.

3. Going RED---Yes that's RED not red. At one point in my life I was blonde...yeah...I'm not a blonde. I may have been born with brown hair, but this girl was born to be a REDHEAD. I've had many different shades...light, dark, natural, copper...but I'm happiest when it's RED. My last shade was pretty. It was very dark...I didn't like it. So when I went in a couple of weeks ago and my stylist asked me, "Well? What would you like this time?" I said, of course, "RED!" She said, "Okaaaay." I said, "I want CFM RED." (Ok, I didn't really use the initials...I said the actual words. She's known me for well over 20 years...she and I happen to share a love of "colorful" language.) I said, "I believe in polite society it's referred to as 'Harlot Red'." She said, "We can do that. I have that color." Man did she. This is MY color.

4. Shopping---No kidding? More specifically bargains. In my book, bargains are something you actually went shopping for in the first place and got at a great price. I LOVE going to Old Navy, leaving with at least 15 items and having spent less than $120. You know...like pants and dresses and shirts for Claire, mittens and jeans and shirts for Hope, socks for both of them, shirts and jeans and a winter coat for me? Yep...I've done it.

My beloved green walking shoes finally gave up the ghost. I headed to Shoe Carnival last weekend to see if they had anything. Well...they were having a BOGO 1/2 off sale. I didn't find another pair of green walkers, but I did find a decent pair of blue ones. I'd had my eye on those sweet little Skechers shown above for a couple of months but couldn't see spending almost $40 on a pair of "fun" shoes. Thanks to the sale and my precious green walkers breathing their last breath, I didn't have to.

My next shopping trip will be for new capris. Last spring when I started walking every day I went from a size 8 to a size 6. Well...being on the treadmill all winter? Yep...all my new size 6's from last year are too big. Time to go shopping for some size 4's!

5. Smelling Good---I know...something so simple. Let's face it...I'm a girly girl...dare I say...diva. I don't leave the house without make-up. I put lipstick on before I go for my walk for crying out loud. So it just goes to reason that I'd like to smell good too...right? You may remember I found comfort in Bath & Body Works Black Raspberry Vanilla. That has become my signature scent of late. Hey, when they have a sale where you buy three and get three free? I'm there. So along with my shower gel, lotion, and bubble bath this time I bought some body spray. I'm addicted to the stuff.

Scent has always been my defining sense. Sight, sound, taste, and touch all work too, but a scent will bring back a memory, a feeling like no other...for me at least! Some of the best compliments I've ever received center around me smelling good. I worked with this one guy...Bill...he's also the one who called me "Mel" for the first time. I walked into his room one morning to ask him a question and before I even finished my sentence he said, "Wow you smell good!" I remember that like it was yesterday...if yesterday happened to be the mid '90's. I also remember the fragrance I was wearing at the time. Once upon a time, before he walked out of my life taking a rather substantial portion of my heart with him, an extraordinary young man told me that my scent was "intoxicating". Now folks? I don't know about y'all? But that was something I'd been waiting my entire life to hear. If a memory like that doesn't stir something inside your soul...you need to get yourself to the nearest hospital and get checked for signs of life. Every single time I think about that comment...I smile...from the inside out.

6. Cute Underwear---Yes again...something so simple. I have recently settled my dispute with Victoria's Secret as I've actually found something that is cute, fits, and doesn't need Leonard Nimoy to locate it on a regular basis. I'm sorry...was that last reference too obtuse for you? Remember the show, "In Search Of" hosted by Leonard Nimoy? You figure it out. I've also had a major epiphany that I'm allowed to buy cute bras too. So if I see a cute little black number with green polka dots then I'm not going to pass it up in favor of one that won't show under a white t-shirt...I'm going to buy them both.

7. A Good Cup Of Tea And Some Chocolate In The Afternoon---pretty self explanatory...no?

8. Going To The Movies---When I was in high school...and college...I spent a lot of time at the movies...by myself. It's just easier that way. It was too much of a hassle to find someone who was willing to go with me. Apparently my taste in film sucks too. ; ) I haven't been to the pictures in ages...the last one I saw was Titanic! I fixed that several months ago by going to see "Sherlock Holmes." LOVED IT! One of the previews they showed was for, of course, Iron Man 2. Oh myyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Let me just say right now? I do not have a thing for Robert Downey, Jr. He's never even made my list of the top 1000 guys I've ever had a crush on...and no, that list is never going to be posted here for your stalking pleasure. I did enjoy him as Sherlock Holmes and after seeing the preview for Iron Man 2 I made it my duty to procure a copy of the first Iron Man movie. ::sigh:: I'm in deep trouble. Downey's character, Tony Stark is...how shall I say it...hot? I have a patented weakness for his "type". Brilliant, successful, self assured, CONFIDENT...dare I say bordering on cocky...or arrogant? Gets me every time.

I've been watching the trailer for IM2 for the last week online. Claire seems to share my fascination. She started out by calling him "Toby Dark" but she's since corrected herself. She will tell her sister at least three times a day that the man on Mama's computer is Tony Stark...he's not Iron Man until he puts on the mask. She's also informed me that she wants to be Iron Man for Halloween. That's my girl!

Yep...Iron Man 2 opens tomorrow. I may not make it on Friday, but you can be sure I'll be AIS this weekend. Happy Mother's Day to me...

9. Not Finding Anything New During My Monthly BSE---again...no explanation needed!

10. Watching My Precious Girl Find Her Strength---While my daughters are probably the chief source of my aggravation, they are also the biggest source of my joy. My darling Hope...she's so timid...so shy...everyone literally walks all over her. She's very much like her mama was at that age. I have worked so hard, trying to get her to stand up for herself...I don't want her to be like me...I want her to find her strength and her center NOW so she won't have to totally deconstruct once she becomes an adult.

She came home a couple of weeks ago in tears...her "best friend" told her that Americans are prettier than the Chinese. Really? How can you look at that face and SAY something like that? Do you not see the light radiating from her very soul? My heart shredded for her that day...the first of many times I'm sure. I told her that everyone has their own opinion...it doesn't matter what the brat (ok I didn't use that word) thinks. And besides, she's both...she's a Chinese born American. She said, "Mama? Do you think I'm beautiful?" I said, "Didn't Mama tell you that you were the most beautiful baby she'd ever seen?" She crumpled in my arms and we both shed a few tears. After that she bounded out of the room and she and her little sister started playing "Chinese School". If that were the end of it I'd be completely satisfied. However, a couple of days later I was tickling her and started poking her in the belly and on her chest, emphasizing whatever silly words we were using when she said, "Mama. Don't poke me like that. I don't like it." It was nothing short of jaw dropping...she was firm...she was resolute...there was no timidity in her tone. My GOD I was so proud of her. But wait! Last week was her school's Ice Cream Social. We stopped in her room to see what she'd been working on and to say hello to her teacher. On each student's desk was a book they had made called "Here's The Scoop". The first page of Hope's book read, "I'm special because I'm Chinese." Ok...I need a Kleenex now...

So there you have it. A list of ten things that consistently make me smile. I'd like to leave you with a couple of thoughts from my friend Sherri. Sherri has this talent for pushing all the crap aside and getting to the heart of the matter. It is for that reason in high school that I dubbed her "No Shit Sherri". Sherri came up with the most wonderful saying, "Suffering...a gift we give ourselves." How true is that friends? How many times when we have the CHOICE to be either miserable or not, do we choose misery? I'm not doing it anymore. You have permission to smack me if I do.

Secondly? She has taught me to take care of myself FIRST. And no, that isn't being selfish. By taking care of Mel first, everything else just seems to fall into place. I am more peaceful, more centered, more able to focus on those around me.

Be blessed y'all...Happy Mother's Day weekend!

A-freakin-men

2010-04-30T16:08:00.000-04:00

This one? This just may be my next tattoo...or at least my next bracelet.

"It's life Mike...things happen."
A.D.A. Connie Rubirosa on Law & Order

Variation On A Theme

2010-04-26T20:18:00.003-04:00

The last couple of weeks have been Quote Heaven for me...I need to buy a new notebook.

"You can't always get what you want. If you did, your life would have no story." W.G. Griffiths

This Just In...

2010-04-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

I heard this one just two minutes ago...spoken by Patricia Arquette...as Allison Dubois on Medium:

"Live your life like it matters."

I needed this one today like you wouldn't believe...

Fearless

2010-04-17T18:09:00.001-04:00

I overheard this little jewel while watching a recent episode of The Tudors. I happened to be holding my laptop at the time and added it to my list of must haves immediately.

"People are good when they’re afraid. When they’re not afraid they can be anything. I will never be afraid."

Standing

2010-04-09T18:03:00.007-04:00

Yesterday was freeing, relaxing, amazing, wonderful, familiar, hilarious, fun, eye opening...and totally different. Yep...Mama took another road trip! Not familiar with my first one? You can read about it here.

I had been thinking about it for a couple months but only actually decided to pull the trigger a week and a half ago. The Spousal Unit usually takes a few days off during Hope's spring break so I seized that opportunity to take a day off myself. While Daddy and the girls went to the library, had lunch at Burger King, and went in search of some kites, Mama took off bright and early and returned to the scene of her first escape.

Yes...I went back...and while it was eerily similar it was also vastly different. I'm a fair weather driver. I tend to get spooked when I have to drive in less than perfect conditions. My last trip was nothing but blue skies and warm temps. This time? When I left home it was 60 degrees and cloudy. Even before I got out of the county it had begun to rain and the temperature had dropped to 48. I spent an hour and a half driving in rain that fluctuated between drizzle and downpour...yet...I was ok. More than ok actually...I was fine.

I had trouble sleeping the night before. I had set a goal for myself for the next day and I was pretty nervous about it. I know...I know...I worry about the most ridiculous of things. On my trip last August, when I was leaving my destination to return home, I tried to follow the directions that Google maps had given me. They were...confusing...to say the least. I was thrown into about a dozen lanes of traffic when I was fairly certain I didn't need to be. I had decided that this time I was going to find a back way out of there...and I was going to do it as soon as I got there. Setting goals is new for me...I refused to do it for years because I always expected to fail. Well...no more people...NO MORE.

Back to my trip...I reached my exit and while I waited at the light to turn right, I had already figured out a better way to leave...in 5-6 hours. ")

One of the items on my "Things To Look For" list was a new spring jacket. The fact that it was now pouring rain and 48 degrees brought that to the top of my list. I parked outside Forever XXI and ducked inside. Ohhhh...I've never seen so many cute little jackets...it was like stepping inside Cute Cropped Jacket Nirvana! I've honestly never seen so many in one place that I not only liked but would actually wear! But it gets better...there were several very long racks of jackets and coats on clearance. I found the perfect little jean jacket for spring for $15 and yet another perfect wool coat for next winter for...ready? $25. I was a very happy and very warm girl...and it wasn't even 10:30 in the morning yet!

Here they are in all their glory. The Spousal Unit's comments? "You got both of them for less than $50?" and "Those scream you."

I was leaving Saks when the young lady who was working the MAC corner said, "I love your jacket!" I thanked her and told her to go down to Forever XXI...it was on sale for $15...I just bought it that morning. She said, "You're kidding! THANK YOU!!!" Later I was meandering around Delia's when one of the girls working there said basically the same thing. I told her about both coats I had purchased. She looked at me and said, "Ohhh THANK YOU! You have no idea what you've done...you've just created a monster!" Hey...just doing my job ladies...happy to be of service. ; )

I did my straight line shopping first...sticking to my list. Folks? I was done by noon! I was giddy. You know...I've been doing a lot of work lately both by myself and with God, about what I want, and what I need. I'll save that topic for another post...but the fact that I had found everything on my list and had it packed in the car before noon? I was such a happy little camper. So what was on the list?

Well, the basics of course...I needed my 5/$25 fix at Victoria's Secret. Check.

Buckle. SURPRISE!!! If you remember I still had a balance on my gift card. I made a beeline straight for the Sinful shirts. It was so early in the day I had my own personal shopper right beside me. She was bringing me armloads of shirts to look at and then she mentioned...jeans. I refuse to even look at jeans at Buckle...I can't see spending that kind of money on a pair of jeans! But...I had the balance on the gift card...and I had an almost full rewards card good for another $10 off. So I told her I'd love to try some on. She asked what size I wore, and how I liked to wear my jeans. I said, "Do you wanna see?" She said, "Sure!" So I raised up my shirt and showed her! Ohhh...her little face was just priceless as she said, "Ok, you like them kind of low." She's right...I do like the low riders...and no...nothing is or was hanging out! She started to load up a room for me. She had at least 6 different pairs of jeans/crops in various sizes and colors...4-5 shirts she thought I might like...and three pairs of shoes to try with the jeans to check the length...all this plus what I had chosen to try on. Before I even picked up any of the jeans I checked their price. I left the pair marked at $120 untouched. There was no WAY I was going to try on something for that price and risk falling in love with them! The first two I tried on were too big...the next pair however? Oh mercy...I've never had anything fit so perfectly in my life. I literally didn't want to take them off. They came home with me as well as another Sinful shirt. Buckle...check.

A quick stop at Icing for a thumb ring for my LEFT hand. They had just the one I wanted. Check.

Off to The Disney Store for some Princess And The Frog merchandise for the girls. We are obsessed with all things Tiana at our house...again...you'll hear about it in another post. Also picked up a Perry The Platypus for Daddy. Check.

Did I mention that the mall was hosting an open search for America's Next Top Model that day? Umm...yeah. I saw young hopefuls carrying their information packets with their call numbers on them...I stopped looking at around 290 something. It was a zoo...and putting it as nicely as I can? There was no shortage of self esteem amongst these girls. You figure it out.

So it's just a bit past noon and I'm finished with my list. I was going to buy another lyric bracelet but I really didn't feel the need to anymore. About a month ago I came home from my walk, took my coat off, and my bracelet was gone. I panicked...it wasn't pretty. That bracelet was concrete proof that I had walked through the fire and lived to tell about it. I was frantic. I went through all my clothes, my coat, looked all over the floor and was just getting ready to go out the door and walk my hour long route again when I remembered hearing something hit the floor when I took my coat off. Yeah...it was all but invisible hanging out from under the refrigerator. Once I calmed down I realized I don't need a bracelet to prove I've changed. I KNOW I've changed. I am not the same person I was this time last year...or even last month. People have been telling me how strong I am since I was 17 years old. Well, ok, it's taken me 30 years, but I get it. I AM strong. I am an amazingly strong broad and I don't need a bracelet to tell me that!

So I did some window shopping and some people watching and headed to, yes, The Cheesecake Factory for lunch. ") They've discontinued my sinfully delicious Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough...once they are out of it they aren't making any more. Well, they had a piece left with my name on it. Strangely, it wasn't as good as the last time I was there. But then, things were different this time in a lot of ways. I'm much stronger...no panic attack once I got there...no call from anyone to talk me down...but then there was nothing to talk me down from. I also found myself standing a lot straighter, looking people in the eye, and just generally displaying a lot more confidence than I ever have before.

After lunch I planned on making one more round of the shops and seeing if there was anything I couldn't live without. When I got off the escalator I was standing in front of Things Remembered...and my heart AND my head were telling me to get another bracelet. I went in, spoke with the clerk who was working, chose a bracelet, and she gave me the work order to fill out. As soon as I had the pen in my hand I knew which lyrics I needed to have engraved on my bracelet. As she was ringing me up she said, "Did you buy another bracelet here about a year ago and have something inspirational put on it as well?" I looked at her and realized it was the same young woman who had waited on me last August. I told her I did. She said, "Yeah, you were out on your own, away from your husband and kids for the first time?" Again, I told her she was correct and I was astonished that anyone would remember something like that...especially...having to do with me. I asked her how her baby was doing. She blushed and said, "He's great! Thanks for asking!"

I left and did my last round while she did the engraving...checked the prices on a few more things...went into some stores I'd never been in before...grabbed a drink for the ride home...then headed back to pick up my bracelet. When I walked in she went behind the counter and took it out of a little black velvet bag and held it up for me to see. When I saw the words printed out I had to fight back the tears. I choked out, "Thank you..." and then we hugged...just like we have always known each other...just like it happened every day...just like it was the most normal thing in the world. She whispered, "You be careful going home...it's wet out there..." then she put it on my wrist and smiled. I said, "I'll see you in August!" She said she would look forward to it.

Lessons learned:

1) I am one strong broad.
2) I am someone worth remembering.
3) Always listen to your heart...especially when it's agreeing with your head!

This living stuff can be downright pleasurable...can't it?

Love and hugs y'all,

P.S. Oh! What were the lyrics? "Then You Stand" You can read about their importance to me here.

Never EVER Go Back

2010-04-02T13:14:00.001-04:00

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never get it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."

The title is mine...the anonymous quote belongs to someone else...I can't really say it any better than that.

Now get out there and start LIVING!!!!! ")

Then You Stand

2010-03-28T17:12:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I was in the Jeep, headed to Kohl's for a little retail therapy. I was flipping through the radio stations trying to find something that wasn't a commercial...or a basketball game...or politics...or news. I stopped on a country station. The song had already started. I'd never heard it before, but I knew who it was. I've been listening to so much of their music lately...yep...it was Rascal Flatts.

I came to a stop at a red light and what I heard literally made me gasp.

For the last couple of years I've had several seemingly small incidents occur in my life...small to other people...major for me. After each of these occured I've said the same thing, "Another missing piece of the puzzle that is Mel has been dropped into place...another gaping, empty spot has been filled."

Ok, back to the red light...remember...I've never heard this song before...the bridge began:

"Everytime you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece..."

I was crying so hard I was physically shaking...and I was also able to finish the line:

"...of you seems to fall into place."

The song is called "Stand" and it has been playing non-stop in my head since then. It has given me more strength, more drive, more determination than I've had in a long time.

Stand
Rascal Flatts
Songwriters: Eric Blair Daly, Dan Earnest Orton

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Give it a listen...you'll be glad you did! ")

"Stand" can be found on the playlist at the bottom of this page.

The Word Freak...Freaks Out

2010-03-24T09:45:00.005-04:00

So if you happened to stumble in here without having a clue...I've had a thing for Rick Springfield since I was eleven years old. It has grown and changed over the years...I've written about it many times both publicly and privately. His words have helped me through more shit than I can ever even begin to recount.

I remember being in college, (at least 28 years ago) sitting on the front porch of my parents' house, jotting down things I wanted to accomplish in my life in a spiral notebook. At the top of that list? I wanted to sit down and talk with Rick Springfield...ask him where all of the pain was coming from...why he felt the need to bleed so profusely through his music.

I recently discovered that I won't have to wait much longer for the answers to my questions. Rick's memoir, "Late, Late At Night" will be arriving at a bookstore near you...and me...in October of this year. To say that I'm elated is one mother of an understatement.

Here are a few of Rick's words taken from http://www.latelateatnight.com/:

“Many of the things I have had to face in my life are universal issues; my lifelong battle with depression, fear of failure, self doubt and my journey to overcome these,” commented Mr. Springfield. “There have been ups and downs in my life, and reaching the milestone of my 60th birthday made me want to tell my story finally and honestly. I seized the opportunity to tell my story in my own words, so those who may be going through similar things in their lives, can take my experiences, grow from them and hopefully have a good laugh along the way.”

If Rick has battled the same damn demons that I've been dealing with for years, then by God I want to know every detail.

Well...as Mick Jagger has told me so many times in the last few months:

"No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need"

"You Can't Always Get What You Want" can be found on the playlist at the bottom of this page.

A Letter To Claire's Birth Mama

2010-03-18T19:59:00.003-04:00

Dear Birth Mama,

I have been so angry at you...for so very long. I don't know why you have had to bear the brunt of my anger. I have certainly harbored no anger nor ill feelings towards my oldest daughter's birth mother. But you...well...that's another story.

I think all of the negative aspects that I had to deal with concerning Claire's adoption just kind of packed themselves into a tight ball of hatred that lodged in my heart and I turned it all towards you. The endless fights with the agency...the mix-up with our LID...the wait which just continued to get longer and longer...the fact I was not allowed to travel to China to bring her home. That's her in the picture by the way. It was snapped just moments after her Daddy held her for the first time...she was ten months old. Do you see that smile? He named her Claire. Claire means clear, bright, and shining. I chose her middle name, Yi Ming. Yi meaning strength and grace. And Ming? Well...it means clear...bright...and shining. After seeing her smile don't you think we made the right choice?

I was able to learn so much about my oldest daughter's life before I entered it. We have pictures...and clothing...and a note from her birth mama. For Claire? We have nothing but the clothes she was wearing the day Daddy met her in China. They were torn...and dirty...she was dirty...her fingernails and toenails overgrown and filthy...her little body was covered with scabies...and she was coughing so violently she was throwing up. I have since heard that conditions at her SWI have improved greatly.

The director of the SWI at that time was unable or unwilling to share any information about what Claire's life was like while she lived there. Again...nothing to share with her as she gets older. What little we did learn was from the few legal papers we received. It says you left her the day she was born. How could you do that? How could you just leave her...walk away from her...when she was just a few hours old?

She's ornery you know. She is bright and funny and has a temper at least three times her size...and a stubborn streak like none I've ever seen. She is a natural mama bear...she wants to take care of you when you're sad and make things better. Apparently others have seen these traits in me. She wants to help with everything. She wants to know everything...do everything. She lives each moment to the fullest. She loves her sister...and they are typical sisters. Holding hands, singing and giggling one moment, fighting, yelling and screaming the next. She loves teddy bears, Barbie's, Disney movies, playing make believe, and going out to eat. She is most definitely a girly girl...the diva.

She turned four this week. On her previous birthdays I had but one thought towards you, "Do you even remember what today is? Do you even care?" Not so this year. God has been doing a lot of work within my heart lately...or perhaps more to the point, I've been allowing God to work within my heart lately. This year things were very different. I know you had nothing to do with the agency or the LID mix-up or the director of the SWI or the conditions there or any of that. I KNOW this. I was told I'd have to wait six months for our baby...it ended up being fifteen. People are now waiting four years. Again, I know this isn't your fault...I allowed my hurt and my anger to cloud what was right...what was real.

As I was looking through the pictures of Claire taken while she was in China, trying to choose one for this letter, I was struck by yet another certainty. As I sat here crying...and aching...and hurting...because I had missed a part of her life I should not have...not allowed to hold her...touch her...comfort her...make her feel better...I realized that for me, the wait was over. I was able to see pictures of her, and talk to her on the phone, and know that within two weeks time I would be able to do all of those things I had been waiting so long to do. And then I realized that when you laid her safely down, in a well populated area, and walked away from her that you would never have that. Your wait is forever. You will never hold her, or hear her laugh, or see pictures, or watch her grow. How much greater must your heartache be?

I am so sorry...so very sorry for allowing my own hurts to usurp yours. You were doing what has been done and has been an accepted practice for so very long. Please forgive me for ever thinking you did not care about our daughter.

I have started telling her what very little I know about you...first and foremost...that you love her. It is your blood running through her veins...your eyes staring back at me...your hair...your skin...her beauty is yours. She is truly a combination of both of us. And I promise that I will love her, cherish her, and fight to protect her until my last breath.

Thank you for the gift that is Claire,

Yep...Mel Results

2010-03-12T15:15:00.002-05:00

Yeah...that's me right before my MRI Monday. Nobody can rock a pair of scrub pants and two hospital gowns like Mel can. The awesomely amazing boa was made for me by a friend who thought it might just cheer me up. She was right. Thanks Carol...and I told you I was going to wear it to my MRI. Oh and folks? You are noticing its color...right?

The MRI went well. I had my two favorite girls. They always make me smile...makes things go sooo much easier! This time, while I was hanging upside down, with my boobs in a box, and my arms over my head, I decided to change my usual musical selection. I've always chosen classical in the past. This time? Country. I've been listening to so much Rascal Flatts lately...their words...their music...their harmonies are speaking to my heart. Well...the first song that came shooting through my headphones before the Giant Magnetic Donut of Doom started clanging madly was...yep...Rascal Flatts.

The Health & Wellness Center has upgraded their machine...I believe at least twice since I've become a frequent flyer. GOD BLESS THEM!!! What used to take 45 minutes to an hour is now done in just under 30 minutes. Once I was done there I ran a few errands. The fact that the sun was shining and that I had been told I could stay out all day helped my mood immensely. I did go home for lunch, let everyone know I was alive, and then took off again. What wild and crazy things did I do? I ended up at Lowe's...buying curtains and the hardware that goes with them...for Hope's room. Remember my year long project...purging, organizing, and finishing? I think the only thing I have left to do in Hope's room is buy a storage box for a few of her baby clothes I'm saving, and hang some pictures on her walls. Claire's room is not far behind!

Sooo...results. Well, they give you the standard, "Your results will be looked at by the radiologist today and that report will be sent to your surgeon. You'll probably hear from them in about a week." I think what really happens is that the radiologist looks at the scan, carves the results onto a stone tablet in sanskrit, straps it to the back of a turtle, (an elderly turtle) and points said turtle in the direction of my surgeon's office.

I really wasn't expecting to hear anything this week. Occasionally, if I'm lucky, Amy will call me on the Thursday after the MRI...but it's usually the next Monday. Well, she called me today. Nothing has changed...and I have to have another MRI in six months. So...one every other year...one every six months for two years...whatever it takes. I am relieved...but I am also incredibly angry. I am a woman who likes, no, needs to know why. God seems to be taking an inordinate amount of pleasure lately in just leaving me hanging...without answers...for anything. And maybe...just maybe...that's what's bothering me the most...the fact that I may never have any answers...about anything.

I've been blessed to have a young woman in my life for...well...a very long time. I was her first and second grade teacher but she's the one doing the educating now. She is going through a somewhat similar situation and I was talking to her this morning right after I got my results. Here is some of what this wise beyond her years young lady had to say:

"Well that is good news in a way...at least I think so. And yes, it does suck because then it's another 6 months and it starts all over again. It's a constant reminder and pain in the ass..and it's always there!

I've realized that the answers NEVER come quick. It's such a slowwwww process and it eats you up, it really does. Mentally and physically...it's terrible!

and you're right, nothing does make sense.

Like someone amazing tells me all the time..."there is something amazing waiting at the end of this"...and I definitely believe that and you should too. It's definitely hard to believe it sometimes because of everything we have gone through but I'm praying that it's true. And even though I'm a little upset with God right now about everything...I know he's doing it for a reason, a GOOD reason."

Don't you just hate it when someone actually pays attention to you and then throws your words right back at you? ::sigh:: Lisa...I love you...don't you ever forget it. I'm going to try my hardest to believe that there is something amazing waiting for me at the end of this. I don't know why it's so easy for me to think and feel and know that that is true for everyone I've said it to, and yet not for myself.

So there you have it friends...as promised...Mel Results.

Later y'all,

That Would Be Me

2010-03-07T20:06:00.001-05:00

Here's one of those snippets of brilliance from an email I wrote this week.

I was catching up with a friend from college that I haven't seen, talked to, or corresponded with in ages. He was whining about being old...but then he's whined to me about being old virtually from the first moment we met in...1980? Did I mention he's a grandfather now? ; p

I summed up my current mood fairly succinctly:

"Going through menopause, having two kids under the age of 8, and always leading with one’s heart are a deadly, DEADLY combination."---Mel

Kleenex...I really need to buy stock in Kleenex...

Sad Songs

2010-03-01T16:26:00.000-05:00

Well...I started this post a couple of days ago fully intending it to go one way and as life/God/Karma/the universe does, I was shown something better.

So I just finished reading a book by Harlan Coben called "Hold Tight"...which by the way was a darn fine read. He used several characters from a previous novel of his called "Into The Woods" again in this book. Paul Copeland (or Cope as he is called) the Essex County prosecutor, Loren Muse his chief investigator, and Lucy, Cope's fiancee. In the previous book we learned that Lucy loves to sit in the dark, drink vodka, and listen to sad songs. In this novel Cope is talking to Muse, telling her that he used to wonder why Lucy liked those songs so much...especially now...when she's happy, in love, everything is working out...yet she still likes to listen to these sad songs.

[Muse says,] "You're asking me? [{I like her.}]

"No Muse. I'm explaining something to you. I didn't understand for a long time. But now I do. The sad songs are a safe hurt. It's a diversion. It's controlled. And maybe it helps you imagine that real pain will be like that. But it's not. Lucy knows that of course. You can't prepare for real pain. You just have to let it rip you apart."---Harlan Coben "Hold Tight"

He goes on to mention several songs, not by name, but just a snippet of lyric or the name of an artist. Well...you know me and snippets. I had to go searching after one of them and listen to it. The lyrics aren't bad...but it isn't anything I would ever choose to listen to. It's by Missy Higgins and it's called "Where I Stood". The bit that tugs at my heart:

"'Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood"

Now...sad songs? Well...I don't enjoy sitting in the dark and drinking and listening to sad songs. There's enough common sense still left in me to know that when I'm feeling down and enjoy listening to tearjerkers, I do not need to add alcohol to the mix. I enjoy music that makes me FEEL...and yes...that can mean sadness at times.

Today, I was pushing Claire in the cart at the grocery store when a song came over the sound system. I had heard it only once before...and it had the same effect on me this time as it did that first time. I started crying. I stood there...staring at peanut butter or cereal or fruit snacks...it all looks the same through tears. I stood there until it was finished. I wrote down some of the lyrics and as soon as I got home I looked it up, and downloaded it. Every lyric is poetry...the voices are pure...the music is perfect...my tears are controlled. And maybe...just maybe...it's one of those that help me imagine that real pain is like that.

Need You Now
Lady Antebellum
Songwriters: Dave Haywood, Josh Kear, Charles Kelley, Hillary Scott

Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone,
'Cause I can't fight it anymore.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one.
I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control
And I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey,
Can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you come sweeping in the way you did before.

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one.
I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control
And I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It's a quarter after one.
I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call,
But I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without,
I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Until next time,

"Need You Now" and "Where I Stood" can both be found on the playlist at the bottom of the page.

Mel Results

2010-03-01T14:53:00.004-05:00

Yeah...I like it. I'm sure it will offend some. I do apologize...but again...I like it. It puts into words exactly how I feel about the evil, foul collections of atypical cells that invade millions upon millions upon millions each and every year. It displays fight...and heart...and spirit. When I was browsing for an image for this post I found countless t-shirts emblazoned with this sweet little saying...and yes...even caps...for those who have temporarily lost their hair to chemo. I pray I never need one of those caps, but if I do? You can damn well be sure I'll wear it with pride.

Yes, I'm angry. I'm angry about a lot of things. But mostly I'm angry that I have to face my own mortality at least once every six months. Yes, I am beyond grateful for the advances medical technology has made over the last few decades. Shoot...I'm beyond grateful for the advances that have been made just since I started having to deal with this. I know what the alternative entails...but it doesn't mean that that makes it any easier.

My surgeon is an amazing woman. Even when my ticking time boobs are at their scariest, she is always calm...and normal...and never...ever...mentions the "C" word unless she is holding absolute proof. I see her every six months and occasionally I'll have two visits in a row with nothing to report. She'll look at me and smile and say, "If we can have one more like this, we can go to once a year visits!" I smile...let hope grow...God laughs. It hasn't happened yet...and this has been going on since well before Hope came home. I found a lump right before we went to China. I remember looking at Dr. Van Fossen and saying, "I don't care what you find. Nothing is stopping me from getting on that airplane." She smiled at me and said, "Even if we do find something, it can wait until you get back from China with that precious daughter of yours."

The MRI's are the part I suppose I dread the most at this point. Not because they are scary or painful or anything like that. They've improved so much that I can just about sleep through them now. No, the MRI's bring uncertainty...more tests...and giant medical bills. When she first suggested I have one it was as a kind of baseline. She wanted me to have one every other year. Again...hasn't happened yet. I've yet to have an MRI where they don't find "something". My first one? Not only did it find something in my breast, but it also found something on my liver. Another MRI, two ultrasounds, and two CT scans later, proved that the something on my liver was just a collection of simple cysts...but whatever was in my breast needed to come out. I was scheduled for an ultrasound guided biopsy. The nurse explained that the radiologist would use the ultrasound to find the lump and then remove it. So there I laid on the table, head to the side, draped for the procedure and in walked the radiologist. He looked at the ultrasound and said, "You know what? Sometimes a simple cyst doesn't look like a simple cyst. I'm going to stick a needle in it and try to aspirate it. If that doesn't work, then we'll do the biopsy." I remember staring at the sprinkler system while I was being numbed...and I could hear Hope's little voice in my head...singing "The Old Rugged Cross" just as plain as day. I told him that if it was just a simple cyst? I was going to kiss him and then do cartwheels down the hall. He said he couldn't wait. It was just a simple cyst.

The next MRI...found something...this time in my right breast. Dr. V has always called my left breast, "the busy breast". Well...I guess the right side was feeling left out or something. Did I mention that all of this came after being on Tamoxifen for a full course of five years? And yes, yes, YES I would take it again in a heartbeat. I'm already a prime candidate for Evista as soon as I'm able to take it. So...more ultrasounds...mammograms...did I mention that I have a yearly mammogram...and after each one of those I either have to have an ultrasound or another MRI scheduled? And let's not forget the other two surgical biopsies. Ok, so something on the right side. More ultrasounds...the ultrasound can't find it. Need another MRI. Still there...bigger. Now it's time for an MRI guided biopsy. Yeah...laying upside down with your boobs in a box underneath you with your arms above your head...scan...pull you out...mark it...push you into the machine...scan...pull you out...adjust...back in the machine...scan...pull you out...numb...cut...all underneath you...insert your own cow/udder joke here. He then inserted a metal clip next to the spot that would show up on all future tests to show if whatever this thing was would grow back in the same spot. Oh yes, then I had to go have a mammogram immediately following this surgery to make sure the clip was in place. Yes...surgery...blood...mammogram. You get the idea. Well...I don't have a whole lot of nice things to say about the radiologist that did this procedure. The wonderful lady who did the mammogram had to change my dressing...and it hadn't even been thirty minutes yet. Later that day I was sitting on the couch and realized I had a steady trickle of blood down my side. It eventually stopped...and then? It got infected. Yep...you've never known true joy until your boob is infected. Sooo...start a course of antibiotics for that. I get the results back...all is well...that was a Friday. On Monday? Dr. V calls me and tells me she just got a report from the radiologist. He didn't feel like he got enough of it for a decent biopsy. Let's do it again. She explained that she was just about as happy with him as I was at this point but he's the only one in this area that does the MRI guided procedures. So we had to schedule it far enough into the future to be clear from any infection. Three to four days before it was scheduled? I get a call...the radiologist is going on vacation...we have to reschedule...to a time when Garry had to be out of town for work? Yeah...special. It was finally worked out...it was similar to what he did the first time...but this time instead of taking a biopsy he inserted a tiny needle into the area to be biopsied. I was then wheeled to the OR where Dr. V was waiting for me and where she surgically removed the area and the clip he had placed there earlier.

There have been lots of cysts aspirated in the office either when I go for my six month check-ups or if I find one during my monthly BSE that is new or bothers me. And no, I'm not having any genetic testing done. Why? Is it going to make me any more vigilant than what I am now? Good Lord no! I'd hate to see what being any more vigilant would entail!

So, a year ago...time for another MRI. Yep...something in the right breast. This time? Let's check it again in six months. Okaaaaay. Six months ago? Hmmm...that something is gone...but there is a new something...other somethings have gotten smaller...one something has grown. If the something that has grown shows more growth? Surgery. Another one is six months. ::sigh::

Last Friday was my six month surgeon's visit. I knew she was going to find something...because I found it earlier this month. She said she wasn't going to do anything about it until after the MRI because it would show up on the MRI as trauma. So...MRI is scheduled for next Monday. Depending on what it shows for this new something, we'll either leave it alone or she'll do a needle biopsy in the office. And I refuse to think any farther ahead than that at this point. As for what the MRI will show dealing with the old somethings? Again...not a clue...all I know is that surgery is staring me in the face, yet again.

I've told you I love my surgeon...I also love my med tech, Amy. That is one girl I always want on my side. She takes no crap...and she loves me. She looked at me last week and said, "Look at you! My GOD you look GOOD! WHAT have you been doing?" This is the girl who will call me just to talk...nothing about work or boobs or cancer...just because, in her words, "I always feel better after I talk to you." So we're sitting there after my appointment and she's holding my folder which is easily 5-6 inches thick. She says, "You just...it's just...it's always..." I knew what she was trying to say. I said, "Amy? This is my normal. I don't like it, I can't change it...this is just my normal. This is what He's given me. Some days it doesn't bother me at all...and others it's more than I can take."

So there you go...Mel Results. That's what I've started calling my test results. The results are never what I prayed for...never what I wanted...but they are not a death sentence either.

You know what? Screw those little caps...I've always wanted to shave my head...right?

Be blessed y'all...until the next Mel Results...

The Word Freak

2010-02-28T18:11:00.001-05:00

Yeah...I don't have enough things competing for my time...I couldn't help myself. Drop by should you feel so inclined.

The Word Freak

Mel...As Sung By Meat Loaf

2010-02-28T17:58:00.001-05:00

I was never a fan of Meat Loaf...or his music...ever...until he began his acting career. Something about him pulled me in...I liked the guy. After watching him hang with Grant and J. and chase ghosts last season on Ghost Hunters I decided I really liked him.

About a month ago I heard one of his songs on the radio. "Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad" quickly took up residence in my head and my MP3 player. Granted, the entire song is a pretty awesome piece...but the part that got to me...that still gets to me...that is me...is:

"I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got" ---Jim Steinman

I find that to be a fitting companion piece to:
"Take me as I am...love me or hate me...just don't give me crap for being Mel." ---Mel

And that my friends...is who I am...and where I'm at...at this point in my journey.

"Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad" can be found on the playlist at the bottom of the page.

Losing A Dream

2010-02-25T09:21:00.001-05:00

We all have dreams...and when we lose them, for whatever reason, it hurts. I'd like to be able to present you with a quote that offers comfort...some sage advice to make you feel better...to make me feel better while confronting the loss of a dream. But honestly? This one just says it all...

"You know, the thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility that it might come true. And when you lose that possibility - it just kind of sucks."---Catherine Willows from CSI

200th Post? Are you KIDDING Me?

2010-02-24T14:55:00.014-05:00

No, I didn't count. Blogger keeps track of these things for me. I did miss my "100th Post" celebration. I've seen many bloggers post various lists numbering 100 in honor of such an accomplishment. Wondering to myself just how long it would take me to come up with 200 totally random things about myself, and being bored out of my mind and unable to sleep, I thought I'd give it a try. Just don't expect me to do this again if I hit 300.

200 Totally Random Things About Mel

The towel I used to dry off after my shower tonight is green.
I love to read more than one book at a time. I'm currently working on five of them.
I've got all of this season's House, M.D. episodes on the DVR and I haven't watched a single one.
I don't think I care anymore about Greg and his sarcasm.
I'd rather be too hot than too cold.
I love the smell of Barnes & Noble.
I detest passive aggression.
I recently went to the movies again for the first time in years.
I saw Sherlock Holmes...and loved it.
The time before that? Titanic.
I have always wanted to shave my head.
I'd have a hard time thinking of at least four humans that I trust.
When I write with a pen...the ink is either black...or green!
I've been known to wear men's cologne...
...and men's clothes.
Sometimes...all that is Mel...needs to be at Walt Disney World.
I have a thing for peace signs.
I met my husband while I was dating one of his employees.
I don't talk to characters on the television or movie screen...unless it's Fringe or SpiderMan.
I had my first date at age 19.
It was a blind date.
It was horrific.
I am more than peeved with Victoria's Secret.
I'm changing my name to Pepper Potts.
I have recently rediscovered wine.
A glass of Arbor Mist Peach Chardonnay in the evenings is quite lovely.
I think I'm at Target at least once every weekend.
I am currently not obsessed with anything or anyone. Yeah...I know...amazing...isn't it?
I bought a new bag last weekend at Kohl's.
It was green.
I'm dreaming of another road trip...possibly this spring.
I have an older brother.
Nine of my toenails are currently painted black...the tenth is red.
My hair lost every bit of its curl shortly after we returned from China with Hope.
It came back shortly before Garry left for China to bring Claire home.
I am madly in love with my treadmill.
My favorite songbird is a Cedar Waxwing.
I have read Stephen King's "The Stand" twice...in paperback...and am currently staring at my latest hardback copy with great anticipation.
I wish I had some Wheatables...but I ate them all last night.
I've let all of my magazine subscriptions expire
The last one to go will be Allure...and that one was free.
I dream in color.
I thought I had stopped playing the "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda Game"...but that seems to have returned much to my chagrin.
I hated high school...not as much as junior high...but then that would be impossible.
College? College was goooooood
I like to spread peanut butter on my brownies.
God and I are on speaking terms again. I'm cautiously optimistic.
The last movie I watched on cable was "Little Children".
The last movie I watched online was "National Treasure: Book of Secrets".
I can't say I loved either one...but at least the second one didn't depress me.
I LOATHE that "mart" place...even though technically one of my cats is named after it. Hey, he came already named.
I used to have vanity plates on my Jeep that read "MELS KW".
Only one person ever figured out what it meant.
Could it have had to do with the fact that I've been fascinated with trucks my entire adult life? Especially Kenworths?
Artie Shaw's version of "Stardust" is possibly one of the most perfect songs I've ever heard
...as well as Harry James' "Sleepy Lagoon"..
...and Ella Fitzgerald's "I'm Making Believe"
I miss my herb garden.
...and my beloved Jeep.
My Hopie thinks I smell good...even on days I'm not wearing perfume...or men's cologne.
I've been told recently that I'm focused...
...that's new...and I like it.
When I was younger I collected anything and everything I could find having to do with The Giant Panda.
I want another tattoo.
We went to the movies today as a family and saw Disney's "The Princess And The Frog".
I liked it...a lot.
I have a stuffed Steamboat Willie on my bed.
I'm not exactly what you would call "patient".
I got a new vacuum for Christmas. Guess what color it is.
I was born minus the sports gene...and I'm totally ok with that.
My favorite flower is a Bleeding Heart.
When I stepped on the scale after my shower tonight it told me I'm at 126.
My scale is my friend.
I confess...I've been making eyes at The Ford Flex.
Steve Perry's voice has an amazing calming effect on me.
You know that song..."Same Old Lang Syne" by Dan Fogelberg? I lived my own version of it today.
No I'm not kidding.
Tonight's lullaby, chosen by Hope, for Hope, and sung by me, was Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'".
Claire's choice was "Mary, Did You Know".
Other recent choices have included "Frosty The Snowman", "The Itsy Bitsy Spider", "The Wise Man Built His House Upon The Rock", Steve Perry's "Foolish Heart", and Rob Thomas' "Ever The Same".
There are currently 223 songs on my green MP3 player.
Facebook's recent security changes bother me greatly.
I have more friends that were my teachers than those that were classmates from elementary, junior high, and high school.
I have more friends that were my former students than those who were my former co-workers during my teaching career.
I'm pretty much always cold...
...any my raynaud's has been giving me fits.
I did NOT want to get out of bed this morning.
It's almost time for new glasses. WOOOOOT!!! I'm more than ready to get rid of these Clark Kent frames.
Nicholas Cage creeps me out. Yes, I know. I loved D'Onofrio for over 20 years, yet Nicholas Cage creeps me out.
I never said I was logical.
My treadmill has informed me I have walked 45 miles so far this year.
On a good night I can do at least 3 1/4 miles in an hour.
As much fun as that is? I still can't wait for spring so I can get outside and go for a walk.
I am currently engrossed in "The Tudors" on Showtime On Demand.
I have learned that all women of that time period were absolutely beautiful, extremely nubile, and had not one ounce of body fat nor one strand of extraneous body hair.
I wonder how they ever accomplished anything having to do with The Empire. From what I've seen, they are either getting their heads chopped off, dying from "The Sweating Sickness" or "Consumption", or crawling all over each other like a box of hamsters.
I started this list on January 29th, 2010.
I am more than tired of snow and cold temperatures. ::sigh::
Decaffeinated Typhoo is a gift from the gods...
as is caffeine free Dr. Pepper...
and caffeine free Coke.
Did I mention I'm not supposed to have caffeine?
I find my Chinese Horoscope to be eerily accurate.
This is my year...The Year Of The Tiger...and it starts February 14th!
I'd hate to see what I'd do right about now for at least a week of solitude in an undisclosed semi-tropical location.
My wireless mouse is...RED! HA! Didn't see that one coming...did you? ")
I would give up my life for my children...in a heartbeat.
I hate the phone...again.
In the last month I've made five calls...two doctor's appointments...two to the spousal unit...one to the LJ.
I stated in the post I wrote today that I felt good enough to try the treadmill tonight. Scratch that. It's 6:06 p.m. and I'm three days past exhausted. Maybe tomorrow.
I am however, going to take one of my coveted Friday night Mama's Escapes this evening. This is the first time in over a month I've had enough energy for that.
The last five songs I've downloaded are: I'm Movin' On, Bless The Broken Road, and What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts, Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad by Meatloaf, and There Is A God by Lee Ann Womack.
I've been reading my Bible in front of the fireplace for the last couple of weeks in the afternoons.
As delightful as that is? I look forward to reading the same on my patio once the weather breaks.
I have pulled out a lot of my "old" country CD's and started listening to them again.
I'm finding them to have an almost magical healing quality at this point in my journey.
I find that Arbor Mist Peach Sparkle actually tastes better when it's flat.
I am enjoying my second glass of wine this evening.
It is the first drink I've had this year.
Before November of 2009? Ummm...summer of 1987? Yeah...I'm serious.
Now I have an addiction...I absolutely love becoming a fan of obscure Facebook pages.
Sooo...the other night I was at the salon waiting for my turn when "Don't Stop Believin'" came on the sound system.
Yes, I sang along.
Yes, loud enough to be heard.
Yes, there were other people there.
Yes, I sang the whole thing.
Yes, I received compliments.
Yes, I would/will do it again!
I have a strong predilection for toile and checks.
Taking heed of Mama Odie's wise words, I am learning to distinguish the difference between what I want and what I need.
I thoroughly enjoyed driving home from the eye doctor this morning with my pupils dilated! That was fun!!!!
I ordered new glasses today! WOOT!
I'm also getting a pair of sunglasses!!! I haven't been able to wear sunglasses in a very long time.
I've missed them!
I take great pleasure in a good cup of tea in the afternoons.
I have undertaken the year long project of giving my house a thorough cleaning from top to bottom.
Each room is also undergoing a major purge and reorganization. I cannot tell you just how excited I am and how much I am enjoying it.
It is simply one step, one major step in restoring my peace.
Another plus? I love the smell of Murphy's Oil Soap. ")
And now I'm peeved with VS online as well.
Music is as important to my survival as is food, water, and air.
I can't wait to get outside and dig in the dirt.
I've neglected my landscaping for far too long.
I have no interest in Twilight. I'm sorry...
I think Carter's Grove is the most beautiful house I've ever had the pleasure to visit.
I just might like to live there. ; )
One of the most vivid memories I have from one of my trips to England...putting a few coins into a little vending type machine and watching the execution of Mary Queen Of Scots being portrayed by little wooden figures. Yep...her little wooden head rolled.
It is a well known fact I hate having my picture taken...unless I'm with someone dressed as a giant Disney character...or SpiderMan. Apparently that goes for Steve Perry as well. I had a dream the other night where he was sitting beside me and I was trying to get a picture of the two of us with my phone. Heh...
I don't swim. I have no desire to.
When I was eight, two teenagers decided they were going to teach me how to swim by dragging me out into the middle of the lake and making me jump off the dock. The last thing I remember before swallowing way too much water was hearing them say, "Jump! We'll catch you!"
Did I mention I've had trust issues for a verrrrry long while?
I am the Proud Mama of a seven year old today. Happy Birthday Hopie!!!! I love you all the way up to Heaven and back.
The Proud Mama is now the Exhausted Mama. The Exhausted Mama who wants AND needs a glass of wine.
I love Build-A-Bear...just not on a Saturday afternoon.
All will be well later...I'm staring at one gorgeous "Princess And The Frog" birthday cake from Buehler's...which means it will also be delightfully delicious.
I'm REALLY going to have to get back on my treadmill.
It's actually warm enough this afternoon for me to take a walk outside! But too many people have done nothing to their sidewalks. Trudging through a foot and a half of snow is kind of off putting.
So instead I ate far too much Temo's chocolate.
I found "The Tudors" online last night...now I can watch from my laptop...in bed.
I bought Hope "The Princess And The Frog" CD for her birthday...with ulterior motives of my own. She's upstairs taking her shower...I'm ripping it to my laptop.
"Dig A Little Deeper" is one of my new anthems. ")
Before I was married I was stalked, before stalked was actually a "legal" term, by some guy who wouldn't take no for an answer. He even showed up at my job after I was married.
I have also been stalked online...and have had my share of creepers...I don't care for either one.
Trying to learn a little bit more about someone is fine...we've all joked about "stalking" people. However? Leaving pornographic filth disguised as comments on posts about my daughters is not fine.
Stopping at my blog 7-10 times a day is not flattering...it's creepy.
Yes, I do have applications that tell me what country/city you are in, what time you are here, how long you are here, what browser you are using, how you got here, what pictures you are clicking on, and several other valuable tools.
You are more than welcome to stop by and read what's going on in my life at the moment. But I promise you...you're not going to find multiple posts for the same day...nor probably even the same week.
I am now stepping down from my soapbox.
Vaguebooking...HILARIOUS!!! Gosh, I just always referred to it as an "emotional booty call".
I spent a good hour doing nothing but wandering around Barnes & Noble today...it was wonderful.
Yes I bought something...two books for me and several for the girls.
Oh, and in case you've ever wondered...I like to read cop/crime/detective/lawyer/psychopath/serial killer books...or anything by Stephen King.
I think Keith Ablow is a genius. I want to be Keith Ablow when I grow up.
Harlan Coben is a master at his craft...keeps me guessing as to what's going on until the last minute.
No romance/bodice rippers for this girl. I'm not saying anything against them...they are wildly popular. I'm just saying that they hold no interest for me.
I did find a new book about Anne Boleyn. I spent quite awhile looking at the pictures in the center...fascinating!
If you've not discovered ShitMyDadSays you're missing out. The man never fails to make me laugh. You can find him on Facebook...or Twitter...
I am so incredibly tired of being treated as if I'm invisible.
I am also tired of being sick and tired. I think Claire is finally over hers...and it lasted a good month...I'm about a week behind her.
I wish things were simpler...
I could use about a week of sunshine right now.
I'm tired of this list.
I want God to tell me what I'm supposed to do NOW!!!
As always, He has His own timetable. He's still talking to me...but He's not giving anything up.
It's been six months already...time to face my mortality...yet again.
Yes, there will be a post about that.
My blessing of a seven year old hugged me while I cried today...asked me if I was ok...and then emptied her backpack (which she never does) and put everything away.
Yes, I'll be fine...I just don't feel well and I only got two hours of sleep last night.
The major house purge is still going strong. I've spent the last several days in Hope's room. Might I just say her closet was frightening? Not anymore!
And how exactly, does one get almost an entire tall kitchen trash bag full of things from a single medicine cabinet? I actually had two bags full from just our master bath.
Once upon another lifetime I had my own website called "Prayer, Praise & Peace". It was one of the most fulfilling projects I've ever undertaken.
My ex-shrink told me it was perfect for me...I got to help people without ever having to physically deal with them. ")
Why did I give it up? Because God placed my feet and the rest of me on another path. Her name is Hope. ")
I am a very firm believer in the fact that "I love ya", "love ya", "love you", "luv ya", "luv u", "ilu" and any other million variations are NOT the same as "I love you".
And please? Don't use any of them with me unless you really mean it.
It is simply ridiculous how pleased I am that my Flair app is working again...for the most part...on Facebook.
Temo's chocolate covered peanuts are to die for.
I just found out that one of my favorite restaurants in Williamsburg burned down last summer.
I am relieved no one was hurt and that they are rebuilding.
I can hear birds singing outside!!!

So there you are people...three and a half weeks to complete...are your eyes bleeding yet? And no...I'm DEFINITELY not doing this for my 300th post.

Later y'all,

Better Late Than Never...

2010-02-12T17:00:00.003-05:00

I'm thrilled to say that the Christmas decorations are finally ALL put away. That includes the ones that inevitably are found roughly fifteen minutes after I have filled all the tubs, returned them to the closet, and closed the door with a contented sigh. And no, it has not escaped me that I didn't share a Christmas post for 2009. I'm doing it right now! ") For those of you as obsessed with the film "A Christmas Story" as I am, you should have no trouble identifying the shapes of my Christmas cookies this year.

Here are my two incredibly beautiful daughters on Christmas morning digging into their stockings.

And here they are opening the much anticipated Barbie's.

For those of you who don't know the story...

Both girls had asked Santa for "Barbie's" this year. Several weeks before Christmas our church had its annual Christmas play put on by the youth of the church. After the play, The Man With The Bag always drops by for a visit. The kids get to sit on his lap, make last minute corrections to their lists, and receive a goody bag filled with all manner of treats. Well...as soon as Claire got home and opened her goody bag...and until the moment I snapped that picture you just looked at...she bemoaned the fact that Santa did NOT bring her a Barbie. "Santa no bring me a Barbie...why Santa no bring me a Barbie?" One day at lunch she was sitting there at the table telling me this for roughly the 347th time. I, being the ever hopeful Mama, and hoping that if I just say it enough times it will sink in, repeated to her that it wasn't Christmas yet...there was still time. She looked at me, rested her little face in her hands, heaved the most dejected sigh I've ever heard coming from a three year old, and said, "I guess I'll just give up." I had to leave the room...it was one of those "I can't stop myself from laughing and I don't want to ruin my child for life" moments.

And this little beauty? Yep...alllll mine. Oh I know...geez Mel...a sweeper? Yes my friends...a sweeper. I asked for a new sweeper. And then? When I found out that Hoover made a green sweeper? And not just any green...but Mel Green? Even the sweet Fed-Ex guy who carried it into the house for me said, "Is this your Christmas present? From your husband?" Hey! I love my new sweeper!!!

Be still my foolish, foolish heart. The other thing I asked Santa for...besides a new sweeper...was a treadmill. I became infatuated with the treadmill at the hotel we stayed in last July. I spent several pleasant evenings working up a sweat and racking up the miles in air conditioned comfort. And yes...I found one...in Mel Green.

If that in and of itself isn't enough to make me giddy...it has a docking station for my MP3 player...my green MP3 player.(Yeah...that's a 3DD tune I was listening to when I snapped the picture.)I was on that sucker the first night it was set up. I had been spending an hour each night after dinner exercising and exorcising my demons. Mid-January I just started feeling...not well. By the end of the month I barely had enough energy in the evenings to make dinner, let alone spend time with my beloved treadmill. FINALLY last week I started taking baby steps back to my basement nirvana. I did three nights of abbreviated thirty minute sessions...until Friday night when my body just gave up. Whatever it was that had been making me not well, hit with a vengeance. I've been taking it easy this week...yes...even for Mel. I do feel well enough to give it a try tonight. Hey, I've even downloaded some new tunes for the occasion! No, it isn't going to replace my walks, but it is helping me keep my sanity until the weather breaks!

And this? This was my gift from Hope! I can't tell you how many compliments I have received on this necklace. Someone comments on it every single time I wear it. A LOT of my newer shirts have wings on them. She, being the ever observant and highly intelligent genius she is, has taken note of this. When I opened it the first thing I thought of was Aerosmith. As I was trying it on Hope commented, "Mama, I think it kind of looks like Steve Perry!" Well...there you go...my two Steve's all wrapped up into one awesome necklace. Does my kid know me or what?

Until next time y'all...be blessed!

Gotcha Day...Number 6!!!

2010-01-29T15:08:00.000-05:00

Yeah...I know. I can't believe it either. Six years ago today a gorgeous eleven month old bundle of quiet calm was placed in my arms and life has never been the same. And by the way? She's no longer quiet OR calm...gorgeous is a given. ")

As I always have in these matters...and have taken more heat for this than you can imagine...I let my girls dictate what we do and don't do concerning the topic of adoption and Chinese culture. This is not to say that we ignore either of those things. Our home is filled with videos, books, pictures, items etc. that are all things China and/or adoption. Claire is just beginning to show the slightest of interest. This week I started talking to her about where she used to live and what her name used to be. She's beyond engrossed in the story. The more she asks, the more information I will give her. Hope wanted to know much, much earlier and then right around the age of three didn't want any part of it. She even told me she wasn't Chinese. That all went away as soon as she had a baby sister from China. We go with it people. Maybe my girls have or never will give it another thought...or maybe they will still be processing these feelings well into their adult lives. I have no way of knowing. For now? I do what works for us.

On Wednesday evening this week, Hope asked if she could take a treat in to share with her class to celebrate Gotcha Day. I was floored but completely comfortable with it. I emailed her teacher who said that would be wonderful! She also asked if I would send in pictures and they would have a Gotcha Day celebration. So this morning I filled Hope's backpack with some mini Hershey bars (yum), some pictures from her Gotcha Day and her lifebook. (For those of you not familiar with the concept of a lifebook you can read about them here.) Oh...I can hear you screaming already.

First off? Hope's teacher is an adoptive mother. She gets it. Secondly? Hope wanted to take her lifebook and we talked about things that were ok to share. Finally? I told her teacher to use what details she thought were appropriate. And no, this isn't the original. That is safely on the shelf in my office/studio. This is Hope's well loved, dog eared, twice bound copy that she has read at least 347 times. Again, her choice...but with Mama's guidance. Ok?

What else? Well, she asked me if I would bake her some brownies which are now cooling on the island. She wants Daddy to make her some "Pigs In A Spud". These are like twice baked potatoes with a hot dog inside. The kid would eat hot dogs 24/7. We had a minor glitch there when Daddy had to go out of town and it looked like he wasn't going to be home in time to celebrate Gotcha Day, let alone make dinner. Things have been rearranged, he is currently in the air on his way home, and should be home by five. Say a prayer or two please! The only other Gotcha Day he's missed was when he was in China to bring Claire home. Hope informed me at the time, that that was the only acceptable excuse for missing her Gotcha Day.

Just as we did with Claire, she will receive one of her gifts that we purchased for her in China. In years past we have watched the videos or the slideshow I put together from our trip. But again, there isn't a whole lot of interest there yet. She did mention she'd like to go through her treasure box.

Oh, and let me interject that the treasure box/gotcha day gifts/videos etc. ideas aren't mine! They've all been suggested to me by other China BTDT's!!!

Ok...her treasure box. This is simply a Rubbermaid container filled with her treasures from China. Her box contains things like: the bottle the CWI staff gave us to feed her, the clothes she was wearing the day she joined us, the blanket she slept under at the CWI, gifts the shopkeepers gave her in Guangzhou, the "little itty bitty Lilo" she originally bonded with, the clothes (most probably) her birth mother dressed her in and the note (again, most probably) she pinned to her before she told her goodbye. Claire also has a treasure box and if she shows interest in Hope's? We'll get hers out too!

One of my clearest memories of Hope's Gotcha Day was right after Mme. Xu handed her to me. I, no big surprise here, was crying. I remember turning away from everyone...not because I was crying...but simply because it was as if no one else existed at that moment except Hope. I can still smell her hair...which was so coarse...and getting wetter by the minute with my tears. I whispered over and over to her, "I love you Han Tao." This is a part of her story that Hope knows very well. This morning, she was sitting at the table, had finished her breakfast, and had asked to be excused. When I went over to take her dishes from her, I bent down, kissed the top of her head and whispered, "I love you Han Tao." Without missing a beat she whispered back, "I love you too Mama...always." Yeah...she went to school with wet hair.

Be blessed y'all,

Gotcha Day...Number 3!

2010-01-22T15:05:00.003-05:00

Three years ago today, I was awakened by God at 3:31 a.m. At that exact moment, my precious daughter Claire was being held by her father for the first time...halfway around the world. To read my posts for that day click here and here. The trials we had to endure to bring this child of mine home are well documented at this blog...feel free to wander through the entries one day when you are bored out of your mind!

You may remember I used to be a champion wall builder? You know...shoving my feelings...good or bad...behind 50 foot walls surrounded with razor wire...and a moat full of rabid crocodiles...swimming in radioactive muck? I built a doozy of a one around all things Claire while we were waiting for her. For reasons you can find detailed in many posts here, I was not allowed to travel to China to bring Claire home...and I think that was the one...the final act...that not only took the wall to epic proportions...but also put a roof on it.

If you've been following my ramblings since July-August of 2009, you know that all of those walls have been obliterated and I've been dealing with all the emotions sealed behind said walls. A great portion of those emotions are of the curl into a fetal position and cry for a week variety. But on November 4th, of last year, I discovered that not every emotion that was set free was necessarily evil. Some were an absolute gift from God.

You see…I love Claire…I’ve loved her since before she existed…but it was never the way I loved Hope…and I fought that one too. The day they handed Hope to me…well…I hadn’t eaten for 2-3 days…nobody spoke English…everything was like I was on another planet. In the late afternoon I had a meltdown. Here I was...suddenly handed this LIFE I was now responsible for! What did I know about raising a child? You mean the PRC is going to trust ME with one of their babies? A wall went up that afternoon and I was sure I wasn't ever going to love Hope the way she needed and deserved to be loved. Yet, just after a few hours sleep, when she woke up crying in the middle of the night…Mama was the one who jumped out of bed to take care of her. I fell hopelessly in love with her that second day. You know...you look at her and light is emanating from her...and you get all goofy...and you're positive she is the single most beautiful creature God has ever created hopelessly in love?

I’ve never had that with Claire. We had so many setbacks…I built so many walls. Even when she first came home…here was this little stranger who was taking my attention away from Hope.

Sooo…no more walls…they're gone now...right?

November 4, 2009 I'm sitting on the stairs holding Claire after her nap. She wanted me to hold her on the stairs. I don't know why...it's not like we'd ever done it before. And as I was holding her I started getting her hair wet. (This is thinly disguised code for soaking her hair with my tears. Only those I love more than life itself have had the distinct pleasure.) I discovered that day that I had fallen madly in love with my youngest daughter.

That day was the first time I’ve ever cried over her while I was holding her. She got pretty scared…I told her it was just Mama’s happy tears because I love her so much. She kept shaking her head and saying, “NO!" then trying to wipe my tears. I called to Hope and said, “Hopie? Does Mama cry happy tears?” In her own completely exasperated 6 year old way she hollered back, “Yeeeeeessss…all the time!”

So Claire...she's such a clown…does different voices…such a nurturer…even wants to take care of me…she’s got a wicked sense of humor…thinks the words "boogers" and "underpants" are wildly hilarious...yeah…the school is going to be calling me about this one frequently. This morning she told me a ghost story that had me in stitches! It went something like this: "Once upon a time there was a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaary ghost! He was upstairs. He smelled lunch downstairs...at my house! But I couldn't see him...because he was scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaary!" Now mind you the whole time she was doing this she had her little hands at face level wiggling her fingers back and forth for effect.

And just for Carolina? Joepie de poepie!!!!!!!!!! If you don't get that reference check this post and the comments that follow...which I see is dated a year ago yesterday! Yes, the dreaded potty training dragon has been slain! JOEPIE DE POEPIE!!!! She's still wearing "Dora's"...whatever Pampers' version of pull-ups are called. Hey, they're covered with Dora The Explorer...we call them Dora's! She's still wearing Dora's for nap and bedtime. I have purchased my last pack of diapers. Again I cry, "JOEPIE DE POEPIE!!!!"

So what do we do for Gotcha Day? Well, it's different really every year. We follow the girls' leads. This year Claire wants me to make "padiddie" (spaghetti) for dinner. I'm also going to bake a cake as soon as I'm done here. She'll receive one of her Gotcha Day gifts Garry purchased in China using MY LIST (another giggle inducing reference to former posts). She, like Hope at age three, could care less about China. The pictures, videos, etc. can wait until she's ready for them.

And what will we do for Hope's Gotcha Day? Wait and see...it's next Friday. ")

Be blessed y'all...until next time.

P.S. And although I have already thanked my "Live Journal" numerous times for being the catalyst that triggered the destruction of my walls? Again...thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yep...Still Here

2010-01-13T22:31:00.000-05:00

The title says it all. I took a break for the holidays...I'll be back soon. I've got at least four new posts floating around in my frazzled brain at the moment!

Thanks for checking in on me...later y'all!

Buckle Me!

2009-11-26T14:12:00.008-05:00

Let's talk anniversaries...shall we? The first of this month marks my 24th year with the spousal unit...23 of them considered legal in the eyes of God and The State of Ohio. The man went over and above with my gift this year. So perfect...so amazing...so wonderful...I'm getting all tingly again!

You may or may not remember me mentioning a store called Buckle. I discovered this Pandora's Box of wonderment during my road trip this summer. I walked past the store twice, although I had gone to this mall specifically to shop at that store...but at that time the old insecurities were telling me I had no business being in there...I was too old...I was trying too hard. Well, I beat those voices into submission and that's where I ended up purchasing my much beloved eighty dollar hoodie.

Recently, a Buckle opened at our local mall. I broke several land speed records getting there...only to find out it was excruciatingly tiny and had very little compared to the first one I had discovered. I was disappointed but not to the point of despair. I mean, it's the perfect excuse for another road trip? Right?

Fast forward to our anniversary. My gift? The perfect, well thought out, squeal inducing gift? A Buckle gift card! Now...that in and of itself was perfect, well thought out, and squeal inducing. But the amount is what makes it extra special. He purchased the card for ten times every year we've been married. Cool? Yeah...I thought so too.

So this gift card has been burning a hole in my pocket for a good three weeks. We had things we had to do...it was my birthday...he had to go out of town and I did the single parent thing for a week. Finally...FINALLY...last weekend...I made a break for the mall and spent several hours going over every single item in our teeny tiny Buckle. Oh, and the night before? I had thoroughly perused Buckle.com to prepare myself.

I was the only other one in the place besides the four girls who worked there. I managed to grab two of the sweaters I had seen online right away. The other shirts I had wanted were nowhere to be seen. One of the girls came up to me holding this...grey...striped...thing...looked like a sweater my mother would wear. I don't even know where she got it because Buckle doesn't sell things like that...maybe somebody's grandmother dropped it in the changing room? Anyway, this sweet young thing says to me, "I notice you're looking at sweaters. Would this be anything you'd be interested in?" I was nice. I said, "Umm, no...not really." She could tell by my face she had made a huge tactical error, returned the sweater to wherever she found it, and started folding a stack of shirts on a table behind me. After I had examined each and every item on both sides of the rack I was looking at I said to her, "So, do you girls manage to take home anything from your paychecks?" She giggled, looked at me, and said, "Nope! Not a penny!"

Next, I found the Holy Grail of thermals hidden away on a rack of odds and ends. I was buying this sucker whether it fit or not. I am so in love with this shirt it's...well...Sinful! I adore the Sinful line...have I mentioned that my hoodie is also made by Sinful? So yes, I latched onto this one and clutched it to my breast for dear life. Please...enjoy both front AND back views. ")

So now that I had bonded with my personal shopper, and she could see how giddy I was over the Sinful thermal, she calls me over to an entire display of Sinful goodies and points me in the direction of several reversible thermals. I assured her those were much more to my liking by telling her I had checked those out online.

Oh? The sweaters I was carrying? Take a look.

Ok, so now I'm in the back of the store and another girl decides to swoop in on me. Just as I'm about to grab the little number below she says, "You've been in here before haven't you?" I said, "Just once to look around...then my husband bought me a gift card so I could come back." She said, "You look really familiar..."

After that she says, "Would you like me to start a room for you?" What did I say? "Sure!" She takes my armload of tops and arranges them all nicely in a changing room for me. She then reappeared at my side holding the following shirt...only in black.

She says, "Is this something you would consider?" I raised an eyebrow, looked from the shirt then back to her, and said, "Uh...no. No. Nope." She said, "What's turning you off? The open parts?" I said, "Sweetheart? I'm going to be 50 years old. I really don't want to be doing the cougar thing...or giving off the puma vibe. I don't want to be going into my kids' schools and scaring people!" The poor thing didn't know how to take me...although I did hear snickers from the other girls.

They all gathered around a table of shirts that needed to be reorganized...they were complaining about how messy it was. I yelled, "I had NOTHING to do with it!" More giggling...they realized I wasn't going to bite anybody and they started pushing jeans. Buckle jeans are gorgeous...they are also way too expensive. The clearance table is marked down to $60 if that gives you any idea. I was given two pair to try on as I ran for the safety of my changing room. God BLESS that child...she gave me two pair that were too small to start with. I haven't fit into a pair of 27 inch waist pants since before I was married. But hey...what a headrush! She replaced them with two pair of 28 inch numbers which were too big. I'll stick with my Old Navy Flirt Fits that are on sale several times a year for $19.99.

I emerged, triumphant, with my four tops/sweaters and headed for the cash register. The young lady who had offered me the cougar top took my purchases while another young lady helped another customer check out. She gave me my total, I handed her the gift card and she said, "This is for a really odd amount isn't it?" I said, "Why?" She said, "Because I remember your husband coming in here and asking for a very specific amount." I told her yes, it was ten dollars for every year we had been married. She said, "YES! And he had your daughters with him!" Okaaaaayyyy...so I look like I'd be married to a guy who would do that and have two Chinese daughters? I don't know...maybe he showed her my picture? Anyway, the other girl behind the desk says, "Ohhhh! I want someone who'll do that for me!"

We all giggled some more...thanked each other for everything and I walked out into the mall with my Buckle bag overflowing with treasures. I had the most fun I've had in ages...but I haven't told you the best part yet. There's still a decent balance left on the gift card. ROAD TRIP!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving y'all...thanks to all of my bloggin' buddies and my followers for fueling this madness!

Rockin' 47 Out Loud

2009-11-13T23:31:00.014-05:00

OMG! Fess up...who heard me scream when this cake arrived in my kitchen Friday evening?

Earlier in the week Garry had asked me what kind of cake I wanted for my birthday. I told him Buehler's of course. Then I said, "Does Buehler's put pictures on cakes?" He said, "Yes. Why? Do you want a D'Onofrio cake?" Poor man...he still can't get it through his head that the D'Onofrio thing is over. Honestly, I can't either...but I digress...as usual. I scanned a couple of my favorite CD covers and sent him on his way.

I have to admit, I had mixed feelings about it. Yes, I wanted it to be amazingly cool...but I was also secretly wishing it would be wrecktastic. Not familiar with Cake Wrecks? Ohhh...you are in for a treat! Go...look...be appalled...laugh yourself senseless!

I was, however, more than pleasantly surprised...enough to let out at least a dozen or so happy little squeals and then take about 314 pictures of it.

Yes, my birthday was on Friday the 13th. No it doesn't bother me...I look forward to it falling on Friday the 13th. Does this really surprise any of you? ; ) I woke up in such a happy mood. "Landing In London" was playing in my head...the sun was shining...Hope told me that I smell extra good in the mornings...both girls sang Happy Birthday to me...the three of us belted out a mean version of "Don't Stop Believin'" while we were waiting for the bus...I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from my Facebook friends...I got cards! I got presents! I got CAKE!!!!! And not just any cake...a 3 Doors Down cake!

That's right y'all...it's 1...2...3 Doors Down! And lest you forget? Friday night is also Mama's Escape From Reality when I hit the whirlpool tub for a couple of hours. Guess what I ate IN the tub, while I soaked in my black raspberry vanilla bubble bath and listened to my 3 Doors Down CD's? Yep...birthday cake. I think it's the only way I'm going to eat cake from now on. ; )

This tiny Willow Tree box was one of the gifts I received from Garry and the girls. It's titled, "An Embrace of Comfort and Love". That would be me holding my precious Garth on the cover. I've placed his collar, his belled mousie, and his string toy inside. Garth has been gone...wow...has it been five years already? It is amazing to me how there are days when I still miss him so much it hurts. Ok...enough tears...

Hey! Look at THAT would ya! Remember this post? Way back in June I started asking for a new MP3 player for my birthday...green of course. Oh I looooooove this sweet little beauty! She holds almost 200 times more music than what my old coal fired model did. Yes I said TWO HUNDRED times more. Plus she's got more bells and whistles than I know what to do with. I'm starting to get tingly all over just thinking about it.

So yes folks, I had a very good birthday. It's odd...I know...Mel/odd...nothing new. It's interesting...how's that? All through my life I've had different ages that I've looked forward to as holding something extraordinary about them. 27, 30, 33, 41, 47...and that's where it ended. Right off the top of my head? 27; I started my love affair with writing. 30; from what I remember I had one of the best birthdays I've ever had and ended up having one of the best pictures ever taken of me. Yes, I find that monumental...probably because I was by myself and not snuggled up to someone dressed like a very large Disney character...or SpiderMan. Oh...I digressed again...didn't I? 33; the year I gave myself permission to quit teaching. 41; I became a Mama. 47? Well folks, I have no idea. But I do know this is going to be MY year. I am going to rock 47 OUT LOUD.

Oh, and since 47 was the last age I had on my list? I've added another one. 60. Inspired by, of course, Rick Springfield...I look forward to kickin' 60 in the ass.

Nothin' but love for y'all,

50 Things I Want...Errr...Wanted

2009-11-06T13:47:00.009-05:00

This piece was originally published at "The Whinging Hormone" on July 24, 2008. I've been going through my old blog and enjoying some of the madness that I shared there. I found this post to be highly entertaining as well as thought provoking...seeing things I had listed well over a year ago that I thought I wanted. I honestly believe this to be a valid exercise. I know...could you just die? The girl who liked to make her ex-shrink cry? Meh...live and learn. I plan on sitting down this weekend and updating my list for the next year!

Any new bits of wisdom will be shown in italics.

50 Things I Want

Jennifer lifted this idea from someone else's blog...I'm lifting it from hers. Apparently this unknown person was seeing a life coach who had her make a list of fifty things she wanted "ranging from the mundane to the extraordinary." I think my wahine's list is probably better than "someone else's"...and it goes without saying that hers is better than mine...most of her wants are actually attainable.

1. I want to be a good mother to my kids.
2. I want a Pizzeria Uno to be within driving distance of my house. (Ok so within an HOUR'S driving distance of my house)
3. I want to be excited about God...again.
4. I want ice cream to be calorie free.
5. I want my mother to move to another planet where all communication systems are non-functioning. (Yeah...still.)
6. I want my children to be untouched by prejudice.
7. I want to be in a Toby Keith video.
8. I want thirtysomething to come out on DVD. (It finally did! After 20 years! Guess who owns the first season?)
9. I want to start creating again.
10. I want a bigger flair board.
11. I want to be backstage during a Rick Springfield concert.
12. I want life to be simple.
13. I want my hormones to go bother somebody else. (A-freakin'-men sister)
14. I want to reunite all the fractured pieces of my personality. (done)
15. I want to be less needy. (Apparently nobody else sees me as needy so I'll change this to I want to stop seeing myself as needy...how's that?)
16. I want to be NICE. (No I don't. I just want to be Mel...whatever that means at any given moment...I just want to be Mel.)
17. I want my girls to find GOOD men...or women...to spend the rest of their lives with.
18. I want a nap.
19. I want D'Onofrio...now there's a shocker. (Strangely enough...I don't. After 22 years...just..gone.)
20. I want to live in Williamsburg. (not so much...)
21. I want my girls to be everything I'm not.
22. I want to finish my landscaping. (::sigh:: still...)
23. I want to clean out my basement. (I've got that started!)
24. I want to sing. (I do...every single day.)
25. I want my former students to be untouched by my insanity. (Actually I've given this one up too. Now I just EMBRACE insanity WITH my former students.)
26. I want my cholesterol to be perfect...and not have to exercise and eat right.
27. I want to ride The Tower Of Terror...again.
28. I want The Twang CD. (I got it last year for my birthday.)
29. I want MORE of The Lonesome Dove saga.
30. I want a stack of $100's about 7 feet tall.
31. I want my girls to grow into strong, confident, kick ass women.
32. I want to go on vacation.
33. I want to visit Claire's SWI.
34. I want to take Hope back to her CWI and introduce her to Mme. Xu.
35. I want to make Claire's lifebook.
36. I want BBC America to run ALL of Cold Feet in order.
37. I want any channel that I can pick up to carry EastEnders...from the BEGINNING.
38. I want sunscreen and pelvic exams to be optional. (Yep...I'm still hoping for this one.)
39. I want Garry to have a job that makes him happy. (I think we may be getting closer to this one.)
40. I want my perfect eyesight back. (yes please)
41. I want to sit next to Hugh Laurie on a piano bench while he plays, "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve."
42. I want to see Epcot's Illuminations...every night...
43. I want to NOT be petrified about Hope starting school. (We'll see how next year goes.)
44. I want to finish my Christmas shopping early this year. (I did better than usual.)
45. I want to pay off my credit card. (didn't happen)
46. I want to get in my car and just drive... (been there...done that...)
47. I want people to stop asking me stupid questions at the grocery store. (That one has taken care of itself as well. WOOT!)
48. I want to stop being passive aggressive. (That was an easy fix...now I'm just actively aggressive.)
49. I want to take BOTH of my girls to Disney World.
50. I want a new computer. (Got it!)

So there you go...from mundane...to extraordinary...to ridiculous...to sublime.

Until next time y'all,

Words

2009-10-30T13:25:00.004-04:00

Words I'm Tired Of Hearing

breast MRI
CT Scan
mammogram
ultrasound
needle aspiration
MRI guided biopsy
MRI guided needle placement
surgical biopsy
breast surgeon
BSE
vigilance
Tamoxifen
Evista
hospital
atypical hyperplasia
unidentified mass
fibrocystic breast condition
simple cyst
lump
We'll call you with your results.

Words That Hold No Power Unless I Give It To Them

See above list

Words I Owe My Life To

See above list...Numbers 1-14

Words That Break My Heart

Daddy? Is Mama coming home?

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Educate yourself; remember a fighter; hug a survivor; walk for the cure; donate your time, money, and talent; and for the love of God, stop being SCARED of it. Learn how to perform a BSE correctly and frisk 'em once a month. Take back your control and FIGHT!!!

It's YOUR life...don't let WORDS stop you from living it.

The t-shirt at the top of this post is available for purchase HERE along with many other great items. Please drop by and consider supporting this amazing cause!

I Want One Of Those

2009-10-24T15:46:00.004-04:00

Sooo...this week? Special...yeah...that's it...special. I think I may be starting to scale my way out of the abbreviated pit...finally. But honestly folks, this week has been tough...tougher than I expected actually.

One of the reasons, if not The Reason I started building walls so long ago is because I feel things on a ridiculously deep level. My emotions come first followed by logic and common sense lagging at least several weeks behind. I am particularly fond of a comment Earl made about Grace from the show Saving Grace: "I'm sayin', I love the way you love, Grace. It's a fierce, white-hot mighty love." Garry has a saying of his own, "Mama only knows one way to love...too much." This is true, but it is also true for any of my emotions. Now that the walls are down and they are allowed to run free? Gads. Add a few hormones to the mix? My advice to those around me? RUN FORREST!

I scrapped the first draft of this post. It was a hormonal nightmare...frightened even me. I actually did the same thing with an email earlier this week...but I digress.

And before I go any further I want to make something perfectly clear. I take full responsibility for my actions. Dealing with the horrific hormonal intricacies that have manifested themselves in my life for the last few years has not been fun. It ain't no picnic folks and I'm not going to lie...they've gotten exponentially worse in the last year. But to blame all of one's actions on one's hormones is utterly absurd. Oh, don't get me wrong. They are evil little bastards. But you know what? They are no match for me. I'm one strong broad and I'm sick and tired of giving them control over my life. (Wow...that was impressive. I think I really am starting to climb out of the pit.)

So the trick right now is balancing this new "feeling everything and not building walls" with "wallowing in it". You remember balance don't you? I had it tattooed on my back? For at least two days this week I wallowed in it. Sunday and Monday were wretched. I honestly think I cried all day both days and nothing made me feel any better. I went back to my bag of tricks from two months ago...nothing worked. I went for a walk on Sunday...and I cried while I was walking. To make matters even more complicated, the spousal unit left Sunday afternoon for a week of training in Chicago. I have the utmost respect for single parents but I do NOT want to be one. Monday was like one long, depressing trek through oatmeal. It was one of those look at the clock days and say, "In just 12 more hours, I can go back to bed." Tuesday I put on the "normal" face and went about my business but I was still a wreck. Hope threw up at school and I found out about it purely by accident. That one bothered me on about 17 different levels...the most urgent being that she might have been exposed to the tainted formula while she was in China and we need to watch for symptoms of said exposure. She has a very understanding teacher this year and I handled it in my best Mama Bear fashion the next day. Wednesday and Thursday were two of the most delightful Indian Summer days I've ever experienced. I strapped Claire in the stroller and took a walk in the sunshine. Did it help? Nowhere near as much as it should've.

When Garry called Thursday night and said he'd be home late Friday I told him I would be waiting at the door. I was going to a hotel for the weekend. He laughed...nervously...and reminded me that I have to be home early Monday morning for an appointment. I reminded him that my appointment is right down the street from several nice hotels.

No I didn't go to a hotel...I have a sick child to take care of and worry over. But dear LORD I wanted to. I still want to. And no, I don't want a spa day. Manicures, pedicures, facials, and massages require that someone put their hands on you. I do NOT like to be touched. If I have allowed you to touch me in the past...and continue to let you touch me? You are in a very exclusive club my friend...probably less than a dozen members worldwide. So what did/do I want to do at said hotel? I want to take the hottest shower I can stand, crawl into bed, curl around a pillow, and cry until it just doesn't hurt anymore. Away from friends, away from family, away from people...away from responsibilities...just...Mel. If that delightful little activity doesn't take up the entire 48 hours then staring out the window, thinking deep thoughts, sipping some peppermint hot chocolate sounds good. So does firing up my laptop and having a Season 1-2 catch-up marathon of Californication.

Which got me to thinking...well yeah, Californication makes me think other thoughts but that's not what I'm talking about. I could build a chain of Meno-Resorts all over the world. Places where women like me could escape...ride the wild 'mone wave out until they stabilize. The only problem with that is who, in their right mind, would ever want to work at a place like that? Can you imagine? Constant screaming, non-stop tears, room service trays winged at your head for no apparent reason? And that's just from the owner. So my next thought was, "Ok...how about Meno-Cottages?" I could start a company that builds these little retreats in the homeowner's backyard...built to their own specifications! Let's see...mine would have...three rooms...mini kitchen, luxury bathroom, and a multipurpose living/sleeping room. Oh yes...flat panel TV...whirlpool bath...big comfy bed...a wall of books...yeah...I want one of those.

You know what else I want? A mysterious bowling alley owning guru who can by simply looking at me, intuit exactly what it's going to take to put me back on the right path. I want my life to get better with a pair of blue size 8's. I'm more than willing to collect business cards from eight people wearing red in order to make my life not suck quite so much. And no, if you don't get that obscenely vague reference I'm not going to explain it. If you do get it however, I will kiss you the next time I see you.

Let's see...what else? Ah yes, I want to be Hank Moody. No...I don't want Hank Moody...well...ok...maybe there have been moments. Actually I think it would be more fun to BE Hank. Hank is possibly one of the most fascinatingly hilarious characters I've ever come into contact with. Moody is the main character in Showtime's Californication played to delicious perfection by David Duchovny. He's a writer who simply just doesn't give a crap. He says whatever pops into his brain...doesn't care if he offends anyone...no regrets. He just is. And while a grand portion of what he spews forth is complete bullshit? He has also been known to utter some of the most blinding truths I've ever heard. I started watching it this season because, yes, Rick Springfield is making a guest appearance. I'm glad I did.

I don't know where my life is going and frankly, I think that is the underlying cause of ALL of this. I like to have all of my ducks in a row, planned out, for the next 3-4 years...and right now? I can't even get a grip on the next 3-4 hours. As I've progressed in my Journey to New Mel...and with each step I've taken...each task I've completed...it was as if a tiny flame sparked from some long dead ember inside of me...and would grow just the slightest bit stronger with each task I would complete. That flame has been blown out...lost in the last two weeks. I had no idea how I was going to get it back or even if I wanted to get it back. Wouldn't it just be easier to go back to Old Mel? And there are going to be days, like yesterday, when all I feel like doing is "wallowing in it" but can't afford to, that I'm going to have to call on Old Mel for help. She was a champion wall builder...none better. I'm exhausted folks...I can't afford to overthink or over-feel for awhile. I'm not calling it a wall...let's call it a curtain. It's flimsy, but for now, it's giving me the few hours of peace that I desperately need. I have no desire to live through the flood of emotions that come with building walls and tearing them down ever again.

By no means am I looking on this as a defeat. Remember the overly emotional first drafts of this post and an email from earlier this week? I stopped myself from publishing...from hitting send. I walked away from them...let them sit...and didn't share them until I got some control. Two weeks ago I had something happen that would've broken me a short while ago. It hurt, it pissed me off...but it didn't break me. I spent a week with my children by myself and I didn't lose my temper with them until Thursday night. I'm still amazed over that one.

I've decided that I want to go back to school once Claire starts school full time. I have not formally decided on what I will be studying yet, but I will keep you updated. Suggestions are always welcome. Yesterday I received an offer from someone who'd like to promote my work. I'm going to check it out. I haven't thought about continuing my work as an artisan in a long time. We'll see where this leads. I can do this. I WILL do this.

As always, be blessed y'all,

Woot! Another Award!

2009-10-22T15:23:00.001-04:00

Hey! Get me! I've managed to snag another award! Personally I think Carolina just takes pity on me. Either that or she's helping me keep my secret life as a serial killer under wraps.

So, first up, thank you my BBFF. Carolina your encouragement means more to me than you could ever know.

Next? Do take the time to read all the whys and wherefores that go along with this, my latest prize!

Neno's Award

1. As a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging.

2. To seek the reasons why we all love blogging.

3. Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it.

4. Don't forget to mention the person who gives you the award.

5. Answer the award's question by writing the reason why you love blogging.

Why I love blogging? Hmmm...I'm not sure I do love it. I know at this point in my journey I think I may need it...but love...no. Again, if you check my tagline, it's cheaper than therapy. It is the only outlet I have where Mel's voice can be heard. I've said it many times, I'm not a talker. Listener...yes. Thinker...sure. Overthinker? Abso-freakin-lutely. This is a way to create some kind of order inside my head...perhaps make a few people smile...or help someone who thinks he or she might be alone feeling the way that they do.

For some reason, over the years, I've had more than a few people tell me they like my writing. The first one I remember was a college professor. After returning a paper...about what I can't remember, she looked at me and said, "Melissa...you write exactly how you speak. I can actually hear your voice when I read your work. It's remarkable. I love it!" (Melissa...::shudder::) She said this in front of everyone in class. I was mortified. I turned six different shades of red and slid so far down in my chair my chin was resting on the table.

About a year later I was in the library with my friend Mark, working on an assignment for a music class. We were supposed to write new lyrics to a familiar tune. After I finished I gave him my lyrics to read. He said, "Melissa, do you realize that everything you write is absolutely you? These lyrics? Even if your name wasn't on them, I would know they were yours." (Melissa...yeah...another ::shudder::) I blushed again, took my paper back and went about my business.

Many years later I found a separated at birth twin online..whose writing I admire. After corresponding via email for months, she asked me to write a couple of pieces for her now defunct website. Her reason? She said she liked my voice. Seeing how at this point she'd never actually experienced said voice aurally, I took it to mean she liked my writing.

My Live Journal seems to tolerate my ramblings...

Carolina gives me awards...and while they are greatly appreciated? What means more to me is the fact that she tells me time after time after time that she feels I am a great writer...she loves my writing...she wants me to write a book. Who knows...a book might just be somewhere in my future.

My very long and drawn out point is this...it's taken me a LOT of years to internalize this...but maybe...just maybe...y'all have a point. Maybe this is something that Mel is good at. So to everyone who has ever read my work, complimented it, encouraged me to write, indulged me in my rantings, or keeps returning for more...THANK YOU.

6.Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like.

Should you find blogging to be a necessary part of your life, for whatever reason? Please consider yourself tagged and add Neno's award to your collection!

Until next time y'all,

Changes

2009-10-16T16:30:00.002-04:00

Yeah...so...

The last few days have sent me back into the pit. No, not all the way back to the bottom thank God. Let's just say I tumbled over the edge, slammed against a few sharp boulders along the way and landed on my face a good 50 feet from the surface.

What brought about this delightful little detour? I would hazard to guess that it's a combination of a lot of little things. I've been going full throttle for the last couple of weeks. I'd reached that stage in the grief articles where you are looking forward to life again...feel the need to clean out, start over, organize your life. Mel being Mel, I only have one speed...Mach 20. Fueled by the EXTREME high of a clear head for the first time in months I was the very vision of a white tornado. Rooms that hadn't been cleaned in ages sparkled. It was suddenly no longer taking your life in your hands to open the door to the pantry. The magazines being shoved under the couch since 2007 are no more. I cannot tell you how liberating it was to clean out and organize all of my drawers and in the process throw away two garbage bags full of clothes, and donate another two shopping bags full. I am no longer that person. I don't want to wear her clothes.

I had started on the closet when the bottom fell out. I didn't even want to take my bath last Friday. I felt like crap. I spent my entire Saturday in bed. It was torturous. The sun was shining...it was most probably the last nice day we'll see until spring. Well great...now I'm crying...this just sucks. Sunday? Back to my normal (yeah, whatever that is) self. Up, dressed, sorted laundry, took the girls shopping for their Halloween costumes, had lunch with the fam at Rockne's, even managed to sneak in a walk, albeit a chilly one. Right before bed, the blues returned. Folks, I don't get the Sunday night blues. I haven't since I quit my teaching job, but let me tell you, that's what I had.

This week has progressed and my mood has darkened. Yesterday? On three separate occasions I found myself sequestered in an out of the way, quiet room in my house sobbing...projectile tears...body shaking...gut wrenching...sobs.

Besides being sick and exhausted the girls are doing the holiday thing. You know...every year Hope becomes a loon around no matter WHAT holiday it is and Claire has learned by example. Speaking of examples, Hope's picked up some FABULOUS new things at school. I don't know how many times in the last week she's told me I have a big butt. Let's see...I've also heard that I'm the oldest one in the family (the truth hurts), I have a giant belly, and boy I sure am fat. Swell. And no, she has not heard these things from anyone inside this house because if her Daddy said those kinds of things to me or anyone else Mama would already be in prison for teaching Daddy some manners the hard way.

The sorrow of yesterday is today's anger. I woke up on simmer and it boiled over about an hour ago. I am well and truly pissed at everyone and everything. Today? Without exaggerating? The girls haven't listened to a single thing I've told them. Not once. Mama Vesuvius erupted after lunch when she walked into the girls' bathroom and found...puddles...all over the vanity. I asked why there was water all over the vanity...I thought that was a logical question. Claire chimed in with, "I no do it! Hopie do it!" Sooo...I say, "Hopie? Why is water all over the vanity?" No answer and she was closer to me than Claire. I repeated myself for the third time. She said, "What did you say?" At this point there was actual steam coming out of my ears. I repeated myself a fourth time and was told that she did it because she wanted to and just to see what would happen. The top of my head is getting ready to blow off. Then while I'm ranting at her about the mess she's made she puts her hand to her mouth, blows one of those delightful little fart noises, and laughs herself senseless. Yeah...the explosion was felt three states away. I'm not going to win any Parent Of The Year Awards today.

I think something else that is bothering me has to do with the fact that it will soon be my dad's birthday. He would've been 86 this year. Wow. For those of you that don't know the story:

When I was a sophomore in college, my mother and I had gone into town to do some shopping. When we returned home she looked out the window and said, "Why is your dad laying in the backyard?" This really wasn't an unusual question as I have pictures of Dad sleeping just about anywhere...even in an upturned wheelbarrow. I said, "I don't know, he's probably sleeping." She said, "But the ground is so cold..." I ran out the door like a shot, called to him the entire time I ran through the backyard. When I finally reached him he wasn't breathing and his lips were blue. I started CPR. My mother came up behind me and said, "Should I call an ambulance?" I told her yes. She was frozen in shock. I got up, ran back to the house, called for an ambulance, ran back outside and started CPR again until it arrived. He was pronounced dead at the hospital...massive coronary. He was 58...I was 19.

Losing a parent at any age is hard but somehow I think the younger you are the worse it is. You carry that with you every single day for the rest of your life. I can still tell you that his mouth tasted like cigarettes. Want to bet if I took up smoking after that? I could taste what he had eaten for lunch...and I can't even think about eating said item. I won't share it with you. I don't want to ruin something that you might enjoy by attaching it to someone's death. I have a tremendous amount of anger towards my father for basically leaving me in charge. I became the "mother" that day. My mother is NOT helpless, but will portray that role with relish. There were many things she refused to do that she could've done. I want to be able to say that's done and over with. I want the hurt and anger and the just plain I am SO PISSED OFF feelings to go away. I don't want to hate my Dad because he died.

Add to this the ever present, ever fluctuating hormones and OH what a great life I'm having. I have learned through all of this that feelings LIE. And those frickin' little hormones get in there and poke at those lying feelings with sharp pointed sticks. I have become very good at realizing when the hormones are trying to take control. I try very hard NOT to listen to them. I refuse to make any type of important decision until they stabilize, and when they are as bad as they have been this week? I pull back from anyone I care about...WAY back. My life doesn't suck but that's what my feelings are telling me today. They are telling me that:

1. You suck as a parent. You NEVER should've dragged those children 1/2 way around the world to be exposed to you.

2. You suck as a person. You don't have a CLUE as to what you want to do with your life. You're 46 years old for crying out loud! You have no talent and by the way? You're stupid too.

3. You suck as a friend. Seriously. No wonder nobody likes you.

4. You're old...and you look it. You're trying too hard you know.

5. That thing you've been fighting God about for the last 6 months? Yeah, you're going to lose that too.

6. Need I go on?

Again folks, I KNOW this isn't the truth...ok, so today I PRAY it isn't the truth. I KNOW things are going to get better. I know I can get through this...this is nothing compared to what it was just a few months ago. But right now all I can feel is the hurt and the anger and the frustration.

What helps?

1. Being self aware for one. I know what's happening, I know I'll get through it.
2. Being determined to get through it and back on the course I've plotted for New Mel.

3. Dark humor. Honestly, when I'm like this, the darker the better. I took the girls to Target this morning. As we were passing the DVD's I noticed one called, "Drag Me To Hell". The very first thought that popped into my deranged mind? "No need. I'm already there." It made me laugh people. I needed it.

4. Music? Always. I've mentioned 3 Doors Down before and how perfectly their songs fit my life at this point in time. I'll close with one that seems frighteningly appropriate to this psychotic rant.

Until next time y'all,

Changes
Matthew Darrick Roberts; Robert Todd Harrell; Christopher Le Henderson; Brad Arnold

I'm not supposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me 'cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone (and I believe)
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world

I try to hold this under control
They can't help me 'cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm blind and shakin'
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

But I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
And I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

Changes can be found on my playlist at the bottom of the page.

The Whinging Hormone---Bizarre Cravings

2009-10-09T13:01:00.009-04:00

Anybody out there ever read "The Whinging Hormone"? I didn't think so. That was the name of my Super Secret Smack Talkin' blog. I haven't written anything for it in ages. It started out as a place to vent...semi-anonymously. I didn't want to have anything negative on this blog...anything to bother or offend or otherwise tick anybody off. Well y'all, I've worked long and hard to put all of the pieces of Mel together and sometimes? You're just not going to get sweetness and light! ; ) And yes, it's still out there. If you can find it you're a much better stalker than I am and I will give you a reward befitting of your talents. And no, it doesn't count if you already know where it is.

So let's talk perimenopause. Oh stop screaming you bunch of sissies. I've been living with it for more years than I care to count now. It's the never ending pause that doesn't refresh. Have you ever seen the episode of Roseanne called "PMS I Love You"? Oh...mother of pearl...it's on youtube...go watch it. It is so absolutely freakin' PERFECT in its depiction of PMS. I laugh until I cry every single time I see it. Of course, my family cries as well...just not from laughter. It was hysterically funny when I wasn't going through it myself. Now? It's still hysterically funny.

Today I'd like to focus on the strange cravings that have been cropping up for the last few years. And by strange cravings I mean of the FOOD variety. Sheesh people...

Peter Pan peanut butter...yummmm. This isn't that unusual. I've been downing Peter Pan since I was a child. But now? I literally can't get enough of it. One of my favorite combos is spreading it on graham crackers and then sprinkling that with a rather generous handful of semi-sweet chocolate chips. Not so bizarre I admit...but dee-licious. I've also gotten into the habit of eating it by the spoonful straight out of the jar...and no...I don't double dip.

Something else worth trying? Sunchips dipped in Peter Pan. Did I happen to mention that they are the French Onion variety?

While we were on vacation last July, I managed to snag a donut for breakfast one morning. It looked a whole lot better than what it tasted...yellow cake, chocolate frosting, sprinkled with chocolate chips. It was sweet enough to set my teeth on edge. As many of you know, I've never met a donut I couldn't fix. Yep, covered it with peanut butter...ate every bit of it.

How about this one? A peanut butter sandwich dipped in...salsa. While eating lunch one day I had finished my tortilla chips but still had salsa left, so I stuck my peanut butter sandwich into the dish and well...something wondrous was born.

But wait...there's more. Friday's has these wonderfully decadent Green Bean Fries...batter dipped green beans deep fried for your artery clogging pleasure. They serve them up with a delightful Wasabi Ranch dressing. I've been known to dip whatever I may be eating in said dressing...regular fries...chicken...or even spread it on my burger.

Did I mention that for my entire life I've had the world's weakest stomach? Seriously, I couldn't even THINK about eating things like this let alone actually doing it.

Sausage gravy. Yuck. I ordered it once when I went out for breakfast with a friend of mine and her brother when we were in college. I thought it would gross them out. I was right. Fast forward to a year ago. The family was at Bob Evans. The spousal unit was spooning some sausage gravy onto his biscuits. I asked him if I could have some. I started dipping my onion rings in it...ended up finishing it. Oh! Same vacation where I spread the peanut butter on the donut? The next morning I had blueberry pancakes...with sausage gravy smeared all over them. Honestly, that sounds so good right now I'm tempted to get some for dinner...

A recent addition to the hormonal line-up? Cracked Pepper and Olive Oil Triscuits. I literally can't stop eating them. My lips, tongue, and entire mouth will be burning...my nose is running...my eyes are watering...and I'll just keep eating them. Today? The Hormonal Gods are in high control. For lunch I had...are you ready? To begin with, I had the swiss steak leftovers...you know...the bits that are left in the crock pot? Tomatoes, onions, carrots, celery, little pieces of steak...::sigh:: I spread that on the aforementioned Triscuits. I also had a cheese stick...and an apple thrown in just for good measure. After that?

A substantial portion of Smith's Peanut Butter Crunch ice cream covered in Smucker's Hot Fudge. No, I didn't heat it. That would ruin the consistency of the chocolate. I like it thick and gooey...and have been known to eat it by the spoonful allll by itself.

And now I'm having a cup of Typhoo. Yes, I realize some of you are developing an ulcer just reading this. I apologize.

I have been blessed with a high metabolism which I plan on keeping that way by daily exercise. When my body wants some strange combination of foods, I'm going to indulge. I recently had a friend tell me, "Dude...you're like...perpetually pregnant or something."

The Boy Cub, also known as my friend Andrew, shared with me this morning, that he was going to KFC. Considering Andrew lives in another time zone, and is 5-6 hours ahead of me, that made sense for him. However, as of 8:40 this morning all I can think of is KFC. Did I mention he had it for dinner as well? And won't stop talking about it? It's a lucky thing he holds Lifetime Pass 002 of 003...otherwise...grrrrr...

So what's for dinner tonight? I'm thinking leftover pizza! Hey, it's bath night too! I think I'll enjoy some peanut butter M&M's in the tub.

Later y'all,

Calgon...Take Me Away

2009-10-02T15:22:00.002-04:00

Bath night...a derogatory term growing up...not really something I looked forward to as a kid. But hey...times have changed.

We moved into this house in September of 2002. I was thrilled to have a whirlpool tub for the first time in my life! I used it twice in six years. It took too long...I'd rather take a shower...I had to clean the tub...the list was endless. Then...last May...suddenly the thought of spending time in that tub became highly desirable. I'd find myself getting stressed out and proclaiming, "Calgon...take me away..." Ok...fess up...who's old enough to remember that one?

I think I partook of my guilty pleasure once a month...and I felt scandalous. I mean, I had things I was supposed to be doing and here I was just laying around in this bathtub. I took grief from more than one person. My favorite comment came from another Mel who said, "What is WRONG with you? We check into a HOTEL just so we can use those tubs!" So I started taking a soak every Friday...candles...soft lights...music. Ahhh...bliss...

However, as with my music, when the bottom fell out, my soaks didn't help...they hurt. I didn't want to be alone in my tub. If I had to hazard a guess I would say it was because I was forced to be alone with some very dark thoughts and I wasn't ready to face them. During this time I discovered a fabulous smelling body lotion put out by Bath & Body Works. Black Raspberry Vanilla soon became my comfort scent of choice. One evening, after my shower as I was indulging in said deliciously smelling lotion my tub started calling to me again. I believe it's exact words were, "I'll bet that comes in bubble bath too!" It was right.

Friday nights have become the highlight of my week. After I sing to the girls and tuck them in I barricade myself in the master bath with a veritable feast of delights for my weary soul. That truly is my tub at the top of the post...and my candles...and those bubbles? Yep...black raspberry vanilla...oh I can almost smell them now...

What you can't see in that picture is my laptop. Yes, we all know I'm obsessed with my laptop...it goes everywhere with me...even on vacation. Leave me alone...I could have worse vices. Most bath nights I've got one of my playlists from playlist.com cranked as loudly as I think I can get away with without waking the girls.

Lately I find myself taking an inordinate amount of pleasure from 3 Doors Down. These guys are PHENOMENAL. Their lyrics are p-e-r-f-e-c-t-i-o-n. If I didn't know better I'd think they were following Rick Springfield...following me around...making money off of writing about my life. The CD above, Away From The Sun is my current favorite. Just about every song on it has my undivided attention. I'm thinking it may be a good choice for tonight's bath night. However, I just realized...my hot little laptop also plays DVD's. I could watch a movie...or an episode of thirtysomething...or boomtown. But wait...I could go online and watch last night's episode of Fringe while I'm soaking in my own private little heaven! Be still my foolish, foolish heart!

Last Friday's soak was especially gratifying. It was the first I was allowed to take since getting my tattoo. I actually experienced that one without the soft lights...simply by candlelight alone. The only problem was after three weeks away from my haven, I'd lost the rather delicate skill of mixing the perfect water temperature. I ended up getting way too warm and had to cut my quiet time short. Tonight, I'm going to remedy that by taking another comfort with me...a frosty, cold bottle of T42 Peach tea. No...none of these companies are paying me to spotlight their products. But I am open to all offers.

Frankly, I'm at a loss as to what could make these at least an hour long mini-vacations be any better. Oh wait...how about a piece of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory?

Still better? How about a pair of broad shoulders to feed it to me? Ok...I'll stop there. You get the idea. It's my escape into decadence one night a week.

Be blessed y'all...until next time,

Tattoos, Comfort, & Eighty Dollar Hoodies

2009-09-22T13:36:00.007-04:00

Yeah...I know...another post...so soon. I blog without obligation. Remember? So stop swooning and start reading. ; )

The story of actually getting my tattoo is one worth sharing. When I took the PDF of my completed design to the Absolute Tattoo Company to get an estimate on cost and when I could have it done, I went on a Friday afternoon and I took Claire with me. You would've thought I was a regular at this place the way I walked into the door and started talking with these guys. I'm still kind of in shock...but I'm also in awe of myself. It was like "Old Mel" was standing outside the window watching "New Mel" take charge. "New Mel" rocks out loud by the way. ; ) Anyway, this young...shoot, they're ALL young...guy comes up to the counter...multiple piercings...in his face...and I ask him several questions. He takes my design into the back, talks to another young guy covered in ink, comes back out and quotes me a price. I then asked if I could make an appointment. He said, "Yes" then disappeared again. When he returned he said, "How about now?" I looked at him, pointed to the three year old child I had balanced on my hip, and said, "Umm? Dude?" He assured me that it was ok, other people bring their kids in all the time. I assured him that that wasn't going to happen in this case. I wasn't going to try and corral her while needles were buzzing my back. I told him I'd see him the next day at 2.

When I arrived on Saturday they were waiting for me. Everyone there, every single person, employee or client, was extremely kind and welcoming and just generally nice to be around. My artist, Marv, took his time explaining what was going to happen, what it would feel like, what I should do and not do, then asked me if I was ready. I said, "Marv? Should I take my shirt off?" He said, "Oh...yeah." I took my shirt off. Then I said, "Marv? How about the strap? You want that down?" He said, "Oh...yeah." I pushed my bra strap down my arm. Finally I said, "Marv? Would you like me to get my hair out of the way?" You can guess his answer, right? I have NO idea if these guys are used to dealing with women my age...or what. But they were all hilarious. It's like they didn't know how to act. One of them would drop an f-bomb and Marv would apologize. I assured him it was ok...I had heard that word at least once before and may have even used it on occasion.

Marv was very gentle with me, asked me continuously if I was all right. The other two youngsters that I had dealt with the day before each came over separately to check on me as well. What was SO funny to me is once they saw what Marv was doing? The first thing they said, in the same incredulous tone, was, "Oh WOW! This is your FIRST tattoo?" After that it was, "How are you doing? Are you ok?" Followed closely by, "Looks really good!" So what does that mean? I look to the outside world like I'm covered with hidden ink? LOL I mean it folks, I would go back there in a heartbeat. It was a 100% positive experience...one that makes me smile even now as I'm writing about it.

Let's talk some more about comfort...and tattoos...and $80 hoodies...

This summer, much to the surprise of everyone who knows me, I turned off my television. I'm the girl who has it on 24/7. Well...it's gone from 24/7 to zero. Yes, it's on for a couple of hours for Claire and Hope to catch Sesame Street, Max & Ruby, Phineas and Ferb, or any number of the other shows they are allowed to watch. But I haven't watched anything since...June maybe? Wow...even I'm amazed. The only thing I have been watching is Saving Grace...and I've been doing that on my laptop. I get TREMENDOUS peace from curling up in bed with my small screen and catching up with Grace. For those of you not familiar with Saving Grace you can read about it here.

Holly Hunter's portrayal of Grace Hanadarko...this independent, vibrant, take charge, love me as I am or get out of my life, amazing woman is nothing short of mesmerizing. Grace embraces LIFE. Can you see why I am so drawn to her? She has been sent a gift from God...a "last chance" angel named Earl. It seems that God has a plan for Grace, but she needs to clean up her act and fast. That's where Earl comes in. Earl is played to perfection by Leon Rippy. Earl's very presence, let alone his voice bring tears to my eyes...even at this moment. The night before Hope started school I was lying in bed, praying...and crying. I said, "Do you think maybe I could have a last chance angel like Earl?" And then? Peace...yes...like a river...as I imagined Earl not with me, but with Hope...sitting next to her on the bus...standing behind her when she does her work...waiting to catch her if she falls off the monkey bars. Ok...back in a minute...Mama needs a Kleenex...

So what does all this have to do with $80 hoodies? Shortly before I took my road trip, I watched an episode titled, "Am I Going To Lose Her?" In this episode, Grace is kidnapped by a childhood friend who has long stopped taking his meds for his schizophrenia. He ties Grace between two supports, tears her shirt off, drugs her, and tattoos her back. At the end of the episode the tattoo is revealed. He has given her...wings. Without giving away any more of the episode for those who may want to watch it, it had a very powerful affect on me. So several days later, as my demons were threatening to get the best of me I walked into Buckle and saw this exquisite creation staring at me:

And that is the story behind the $80 hoodie! :)

As always, be blessed y'all,

Looking Forward

2009-09-18T14:04:00.019-04:00

One GIANT component of pulling myself up and out of the pit has been not only looking forward to a place where I no longer felt the way I did, but also having things to look forward to, just to get me through each day.

One of the articles I read about grief stated that you should surround yourself with things that comfort you. Again, folks? This is what worked for me. I'm not saying that ANY of what I did will work for you or anyone else you know. Find something that you think will work for you and run with it. If it doesn't work, try something else. Keep trying until you find YOUR peace.

1) Ice Cream---I dropped quite a few pounds during my time in the black hole. Yes, I hit my danger weight and I went below it. But I was also continuing to exercise every day and I wasn't showing any physical signs (or mental for that matter) of the return of my eating disorder. Stress, sadness, depression...yeah...you're gonna lose some weight. One afternoon, during Hope's first week of school I took some Ben and Jerry's out onto the patio with me while Claire was napping. It didn't solve anything. I cried before and after I ate it. But it did taste GOOD and I could stand to push a few extra calories so that went into the plus column.

2) Walking---This one was a big one. I continued walking every single day even at my lowest. Everything I said in my previous post about my walks still rings true. I had days where knowing I was going to be able to go for a walk was the only thing that saved me. The endorphin boost gave me enough energy to simply do the dishes, grab a shower, and go to bed. Again, I still felt miserable...I still wanted to crawl into a dark closet and stay there...I still cried constantly...sometimes even DURING my walks...but I made it THROUGH. I'm still walking...and while I'm walking...I'm SMILING...and singing too!

3) Music---Music has always been a great healer for me, but for some reason this time, it brought more hurt than help. There were some songs that I had grown dependent on that I simply couldn't listen to for a very long time. So, again, one afternoon during naptime, I went out to the patio with my laptop and a couple of brand new Rick Springfield CD's. I figured, if that boy couldn't help I might as well give it up. I was right. I reopened my heart to someone who has been writing perfect lyrics for years...and he's still doing it. Once I let him in, a rush of others followed. My MP3 player is now loaded with, of course, my two Steves, RS and 3 Doors Down just to name a few. And yes, some nights when I'm walking? I am singing...loudly...and no...I DON'T care if the people sitting on their front porches or working on their cars or sweeping their driveways hear. I don't even care if they look at me funny. You know what I do? I wave at them. Oh yeah...and I smile! ; )

4) Bed---Yes folks. There was more than one time during this time period when I would look at the clock and say OUT LOUD, "In just 12 more hours I can go back to bed." Sad, yes, but again, something I was looking forward to. I have started going to bed an hour earlier than I used to. Yes...it helped.

5) Grant---For those of you not familiar with "my Grant" you can read that post here. My subconscious decided that I obviously needed a visit from Grant. I haven't had a dream about him well...the last one I remember was shortly after I got married. And yet, here I was, sharing a park bench with him. It was as with all the others...best friends or best siblings. He was trying to make me laugh, and succeeding as always...shoving my shoulder with his, trying to push me off the bench. Me being me? Doing the same thing back. It was WONDERFUL and it lifted my spirits for that entire day. You know...I wonder if he has dreams about some wild haired redhead he's never met that always makes him laugh? Yeah...I'd still love to meet him in person.

6) Sitting On The Bed and Talking To God---God and I have had our ups and downs over the years. I didn't really know Him personally until, I don't know...the late 90's? There have been a lot of trust issues lately. I'm fairly certain He's glad to have me back learning what I've learned about Him. Once Claire is busy doing her thing downstairs in the mornings I head upstairs, sit on the side of the bed, and talk to God. Praying? I suppose, but not in the "conventional" sense of the word. I don't think conventional prayers use the rather colorful language I do. Again, I'd like to think that He's happy I'm turning TO Him at this point, rather than AWAY. Most mornings I cry...yes...still. Today is a day of all out happiness and peace...and I still cried this morning. Obviously, I needed to. I will continue with these morning talks for as long as He'll have me.

7) Trying Something New---For me? This means getting out of the house...by myself. You've read about the road trip. Well, I also had a girls' night out with two friends from high school that I haven't seen for almost 30 years. Yeah, I laughed myself silly that night. THANK YOU Jane and Sherri! One Sunday I meandered around Barnes & Noble by myself, sipping a peppermint hot chocolate and picking up books I'd never even THINK of reading. I bought two of them. I can't say I'd ever buy anything like that again, but I didn't HATE either one of them! HA! This one is an ongoing deal folks...I'll keep you posted.

8) Yeah...you should probably be sitting down if you aren't. And you might want to read this post if you haven't already. In that post I had said that I was done with piercings. Well...not exactly. I got two more twelve weeks ago. Oh stop it...they're all in my ears...I've got nine now. Piercings people...not ears...keep up will you? Also in that post I asked what y'all thought of tattoos.

I've been thinking long and hard about tattoos for many years...I believe that post was dated 2005? I decided long ago I wanted a saying done in Chinese characters. A couple of years ago I came up with a great idea and then chickened out. Several months ago I found a young lady online who will translate your great idea into Chinese specifically for a tattoo. Again...filed it away.

After the henna tattoo was gone...I missed it...and it had only been around for a week! The more I thought about it, the more I knew I was ready. I contacted Kathy at Chinese-Tattoos.com. After several days of working together, she told me that the idea I had really didn't translate, it was too specific, and to do it justice it would take a ridiculously long string of characters not suitable for a tattoo. She offered to refund my money as she was out of ideas. I told her to give me a few days...let me think about it...let me look around at her site which holds a WEALTH of ideas. I decided to do what I had basically done when I chose Hope and Claire's middle names. I was going to choose three characteristics that I want to display in my life...Mel's life...this Mel that I am becoming. I chose the characters, asked Kathy if I chose the correct ones...I was ok on two of them, she corrected my third. I chose font, size, placement etc. It took about two weeks via email to come up with what I was looking for. And she is an angel...I have NO problems recommending Kathy to ANYONE who would be interested in her services. She is AWESOME! Once it was finished, she emailed me the design in PDF format. I took it downtown, got a price, and an appointment for the next day.

Did it hurt? Not really. Would I do it again. In a heartbeat. These pictures were taken about a week afterwards. The ink has since gotten a lot brighter. Are y'all ok? Do you need to excuse yourselves for a bit? Get a glass of water? Dang...that Mel's gone middle age crazy or something...

So what traits did I choose? Reading vertically from left to right the characters read: courage, passion, balance.
And no...Mel hasn't gone middle age crazy...Mel is just finally learning how to LIVE.
Below is one of my newer theme songs. Yes, if you live in my neighborhood, chances are very good you've heard me belting it out once or twice.

Be blessed y'all...and don't forget to SMILE! %^ ]

Be Good To Yourself by Journey
Runnin' out of self-control
Gettin' close to an overload
Up against a no win situation
Shoulder to shoulder, push and shove
I'm hangin' up my boxin' gloves
I'm ready for a long vacation

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
You're walkin' a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself

When you can't give no more
They want it all but you gotta say no
I'm turnin' off the noise that makes me crazy
Lookin' back with no regrets
To forgive is to forget
I want a little piece of mind to turn to

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
You're walkin' a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself
Be good to yourself when, nobody else will

Breaking The Surface---Part Two

2009-09-11T14:06:00.008-04:00

Ok! So as you might remember I had a wonderful road trip and everything was solved! Not. That road trip was just what I needed at the time but it solved nothing. By the end of that week I had had at least one day where I found myself prostrate on the floor, trying to pray but the only thing that was finding its way out were sobs of the gut wrenching variety. And yes, those still count as prayers...God knows better than I what those sobs mean. My girls do NOT witness these scenes. They are busy downstairs emptying every single toy box, drawer, storage cube, etc. and having a righteous blast. Once they are busy I go upstairs to my room, sit on the side of the bed, and talk to God. That is when the tears appear. I'll talk more about that topic in a future post.

Before I go on, let me clarify something. I LOVE my children, BOTH of them. I do NOT want to LEAVE my children...or send them back to China...or make them disappear...or any one of several other ridiculous ideas. That is NOT what this is about. This is about Mel. I already know Mama. I'm well acquainted with her. "She" is the way I'm wired. I'm an empath...a nurturer...a Mama. If there's something wrong, I want to help you take care of it. I want to make you feel better. So maybe what this is all about, is turning Mama loose on Mel. Mel needs to figure out, discover, create the person she wants and needs to be.

So the aforementioned friend...the one who talks me down from my ledges? This person allows me to ramble at will via email. Did I mention said friend is sooo going to heaven? Whenever something is bothering me...confusing me...making me smile...pissing me off...I ramble...and send it off. Besides having a "Living Journal" to share all of this with, I've also got a treasure trove of blog entries just waiting for me to cut, paste, and edit.

The following is a portion of a ramble written the Thursday before Hope's first full day of school...which coincidentally was the day God had to decipher those sobs of mine:

"My heart is crushing dealing with the thought of my baby being gone from me all day on Monday. The fear isn’t that she’s not going to come back. The fear is losing a huge chunk of her…she’s going to have 8 hours a day that don’t involve me. She’s going to have an entire life apart from me at age 6…where Mama Bear can’t be there to protect her from the hurt and the fear and the evil. I was snuggled up to her, reading her a story this afternoon and it just smacked me right between the eyes. This “thing” that I’ve been doing…this routine…this reading to her in the afternoons since she was 11 months old…will be over tomorrow. And yes, I’ll still read to her...but it’s just the saying goodbye. Like when she lost her first teeth…they were the same two teeth she had when she was handed to me.

When I finished reading to her I told her I’d miss her on Monday. She’s amazingly strong that kid…GOD I love her. She won’t cry unless something is absolutely killing her. She reached up and wiped away a tear, never admitting that she was crying, and asked, “Mama…I’m going to be gone all day. Are you going to be ok?” Then she did something she’s never done…ever. She crawled over and draped herself over me for a hug. The kid isn’t affectionate…never has been. I held onto her for dear life and let my tears flow for both of us. I told her I’d be fine…I’d miss her but I’d be waiting for her at the bus stop with Claire when she got home. We talked about all the fun things she’s going to experience in first grade. She pulled back…ground another tear away with her fist and said, “But Mama…if I’m gone all day…how am I going to remember you?” That one just about tore my heart out by the roots. I have worked very, VERY hard…maybe too hard…to make my girls strong, and confident, and independent. I worry about leaving them without a mother…again. So we talked about what Mama smells like…and looks like…and sounds like…and dresses like…and how she can think of those things when she’s gone. She sat there for the longest time…her face not two inches from mine…staring into my eyes…trying to decide what color they are so she could remember. Again…I LOVE that kid."

The next installation is from Monday, her first day. I just reread it...and yes, it's only been three weeks, but all the feelings just rose to the surface again. The thing is...now? I'm able to let them rise to the surface, deal with them, and move on. No more denying they exist...no more pushing them back down:

"This day has already kicked my butt. I didn’t sleep last night. I think I saw every 40 minutes from 10:45 until 6:15. Had both girls ready with time to spare…took the first day pictures…put the “Mama loves you” notes in Hope’s lunchbox and her school box. Talked to her about a bunch of stuff and tried my hardest NOT to cry in front of her. She asked me several times again if I was going to be ok without her all day. I did just fine until the bus was pulling away. She was waving up a storm at me…and her mouth was smiling…but her eyes weren’t…her eyes showed fear. And I *KNEW* she was going to be fine once she got to school…but that one just about killed me. Made it until, I don’t know…10:30 until the big tears came. Let Claire watch tv…I went up to my bedroom and let them out. Was in Hope’s bedroom twice before noon…just to “smell” her. Got a few things accomplished that didn’t really keep my mind off of anything. Lunch was killer. Opening the fridge and seeing her milk in there from breakfast this morning…only having to get lunch ready for one…her place empty at the table. Claire upset and telling me we had to go wait for the bus (like we did when Hope was in Kindergarten) before we could have lunch. After lunch…same thing…only one to make sure she brushes her teeth…one story to read…one monitor to bring downstairs. More big tears after that."

And that day just got better...yeah...right. I had Claire up from nap and we were waiting for the bus at least 20 minutes before it was due. It was the first day, I knew it was going to be late. I didn't care. When it finally came up the hill I could exhale again...and let loose of the picture in my mind of me running after the bus, ripping the door from its hinges, and grabbing my frightened child from her seat. The bus stopped, four of the five children who were supposed to get off got off. The door closed and the bus started moving...and Hope was nowhere to be seen. I waved at the driver and mouthed, "Hope?" She stopped, looked behind her, smiled, then got on the radio and got Hope's attention. One thing I had neglected to tell her? Only the Kindergarten bus drops you off at your own house. NOW you have to get on AND off at the bus stop. I breathed another huge sigh of relief, squeezed the breath out of my oldest child, and walked home.

Things went progressively downhill that week. I had at least two days worth of wordless prayer. I don't think I can say it any better than I already have:

"This week bit. Flat out blew…dare I say sucked ass. Fear and anger and depression the likes I’ve never seen…nor do I want to again. At least earlier this month I’d have a moderately up day or just a stasis day in between. Not so this week…one black hole after the other. Hope comes home insane or exhausted or both. The school/teacher sends home things that need to be done immediately with no instructions. I read through everything…look at her website…look at the school’s website. Nothing. So finally I email her and ask her. Nope…nothing is published anywhere…but what a good idea! She gave me the info I needed and then also added, “I don’t know why they don’t send that information out to the first grade parents.” Yeah…me either. This morning Hope was in tears…SHE’S deconstructing now. She was clinging to me…and remember…this is the kid who is NOT affectionate…and crying, “Mama I miss you too much! I’m at school more than I’m at home!” ::sigh::"

After three weeks she still tells me every day that she misses me too much. I miss her too. So does Claire. But we're adjusting. She loves school and all of her teachers. She thinks being able to buy her lunch is beyond awesome. Recess is still tops on her list followed closely by Gym...although she's talked a lot about Music lately too.

Right now I'm working on a winning streak. I've had at least 12 days that I consider GOOD in a row. Not just baseline days either...there have been a lot of them in there that were downright wonderful...filled with sunshine, giggles, and utter silliness. Today I am feeling blue. But that's all it is...just blue. I'm not sad...nor depressed...nor angry. I think it has a great deal to do with the fact that today is the anniversary of 9/11.

Will I plunge again? I don't know. Do any of us know, really, what our emotions are going to do from second to second, let alone day to day? I fully expect to drop, yes. But I'd like to think it won't be as far, or last as long. But again, how can I know? I will continue to deal with each day as it comes. Some go in the win column, some don't. But so far? He's still letting me get up and try it again the next day.

Blessings y'all,

Breaking The Surface---Part One

2009-09-02T14:10:00.012-04:00

I've been sitting here for the last fifteen minutes going back and forth on the title for this post. It started out as "Surviving" then changed to "Breaking The Surface". I fear it may be too early to declare that I've broken the surface of this thing, but I think I'm doing a little better than surviving. So let's call it "Breaking The Surface---Part One".

How am I doing? Well, I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you I'm fine. And yes...I did just say "ass". I swear. Frequently. It's one of the many millions of facets to Mel. As with the rest of them, love me or not...just don't bust my chops over it. So, I'm not fine...this isn't easy...it's not just going to go away...but I am learning to deal with it.

I thank everyone who has offered prayers, support, encouragement, and suggestions on how to "c'mon get happy". Seriously...how many of you now have the theme from The Partridge Family stuck in your head? Evil. Just one of the services I offer...just one of the things that I find makes me smile.

While everyone's support is much appreciated let me just share with you the sentiments that have helped me the most. Again, these won't work for everyone, but for me they were priceless.

The day after I wrote the "Becoming" post I received an email from someone who means a lot to me. It said, "You know what? YOU CAN DO THIS." This person is the strongest human I know. Ok...I can do this. A friend from high school reminded me that this situation isn't like the common cold. It's not going to be done and over with in 7-10 days. A friend from college sent me a card. The front said something like "The things people say to make you feel better: 1. This too shall pass. 2. Things could always get worse. 3. Smile!" The inside listed the responses that you feel like giving, "1. Shut up 2. Shut up 3. Shut up" That made me laugh out loud.

Something else that doesn't ring true with me? "Each day will get easier." No...no it won't. When I first started crawling out of this pit I would have one or two days where I could barely function. Then I would have an "up" day. That doesn't mean I was giggling and frolicking about and tossing flower petals in the air. What it was, was a day I could BREATHE, relax...perhaps a period of stasis describes it better. I would look forward to the next day and it getting "easier". Wrong...back down into the pit. It felt like one step forward and at least 47 back.

Figuring...what the hell...it can't get any worse...I threw caution to the wind and scheduled a road trip. All right...pick yourselves up off the floor. Yes, it's been ages since I've been the driver on a road trip...and I've never taken one by myself. But let me tell you, it was something that absolutely appealed to me at that moment. I got a sitter for August 17th, informed the family I was taking off for that day, and that was that. The closer the date came the more "up" my mood became. I got everything ready for the sitter, cleaned out the Jeep, printed out maps, made a list of what I'd like to look for, chose what CD's I was going to take. Hey, that in and of itself? Getting to listen to my own music in the car? That was enough to make me positively giddy!

So...the morning of the 17th arrives, the sitter is here, the car is packed and I...am...outta...here! Flying down the highway at speeds we won't discuss...that I haven't hit in a verrrry long time...my two Steves blasting from my stereo...the sun shining...blue skies...no car seats in the back seat...I felt positively SCANDALOUS for close to two hours. Not only scandalous...but one might say blissful. I reached my destination, jumped out of the Jeep...and the minute I got inside felt the very distinct rumblings of a panic attack. HOARDS of negative feelings..."you're too old for this"..."you should be at home with your kids"..."who are you fooling"..."you're in a strange city"..."you don't know anyone here"..."go home!" Yeah...they were all swirling around in my head. I got them under control as best as I could...walked around for about an hour like I was in a daze. Went into a couple of stores...wasn't really feelin' it. I passed a place that did henna tattoos...hmmm...I was interested.

I forced myself to go into another store and was down on my hands and knees looking at a bunch of thumb rings (I have a MAJOR weakness for those) when my phone rang. Thinking there was something wrong with the girls I clawed my phone out of my front pocket and made a break for the exit. God is good y'all. On the other end of that phone was a voice that never fails to calm me...center me...talk me down from my ledges. Thank you my friend...I owe you YET another one. Not only did that sweet, strong voice talk me down from my freak-out ledge, it also told me, "Go into a store and BUY something!" So I did. I went into Buckle, a store I had walked past twice before when the voices were telling me I was too old to go in there...and I bought a hoodie...for $80. I know...I'm still in shock too. So I guess I won't tell you that I went back to the same store later and bought a shirt and two pairs of earrings. After that? I went to the henna tattoo place and got the little ditty on my hand that you can see in the picture at the top. Did a little more shopping...had some chocolate peanut butter cookie dough cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory that was to DIE for...back to shopping...and an idea hit. This was a pretty major event in my life. I needed something special to commemorate it. I headed to Things Remembered and chose a bracelet...again...see the picture. One side of the heart has "Mel" engraved on it. The other side has a favorite song lyric. That lyric can mean how I have been living...a negative connotation...but it can also mean how I am now trying my damndest to live...a positive connotation. The girl who did the engraving wanted me to explain it to her. She thought it was the perfect sentiment...congratulated me on getting out and doing something just for me. She also told me that as long as I spent $80 on a hoodie for myself, it was ok! After that? Another two hours in the car with my two Steves and home in time for my walk. Thoughts of that special day still make me smile!

My bracelet? It's rarely off. I'm going to have to take it to a jeweler and have it put on a sturdier base...the leather cord and clasps are already falling apart. It has become my talisman. I am constantly looking at it...touching the heart...reminding myself what is to come. I plan on adding a new lyric bracelet for each new major challenge I meet and overcome.

So all was well after that? Oh you silly, silly people! I wish. But no. Remember...I still had to send Hope off to school. We'll save that for Part Two.

While I was shopping I came upon a huge play area filled to capacity with screaming children and their mothers of all ages and races. I stood there looking at them for the longest time...and sadly saw myself reflecting back at me. Every...single...woman...was simply staring off into space...beaten...the same God-awful look of emptiness, despair, and utter exhaustion. It was beyond surreal. These feelings my friends...they are universal...at epidemic proportions.

If I had a dollar for everyone who has told me in the last six months that "all I want to do is get in the car and leave...and never come back"...well...I'd have a huge smile on my face and I'd never have to worry about money again. I've been there friends. I've BEEN in the car...with $80 in my wallet...and an hour from home...with absolutely no intention of ever coming back. No plans, brain on autopilot, just gonna drive until the car is out of gas because THAT'S how down and out and empty I was. There's probably a couple of you reading this that can give me the exact date of that trip too. Yes...I turned around. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, I have too much common sense to just run away without having everything planned out down to the minutest of details.

I'm here...I'm surviving...I CAN DO THIS.

Catch y'all later in Part Two...

One Passenger

2009-08-28T19:46:00.007-04:00

Yes...I'm still here...still climbing...still going through. I fully plan on writing a proper post next week. Until then, here's another song that's been playing non-stop in my head. The man is a poet...MY poet...and has been following me around for the last 35 years and writing songs about my life. I can only hope I can be as cool as he is when I hit 60.

You can hear a snippet of it here along with the rest of his new album "Venus In Overdrive". The man is stalking me I tell you...STALKING me. Hello? Have you heard "Oblivious"...or the ENTIRE "Karma" CD? Rick, honey, just come on in next time you're lurking. Let's collaborate.

One Passenger
Rick Springfield, Matt Bissonette

Undecided over destiny or fate
Undivided under sentimental ways
Undelighted with the thought of happiness
Unrequited, love will lead to loneliness
And I'd like to meet you all alone to ask you why
Why you'd change a worm into a butterfly

When I ride, falling forward on the way
I'm just one passenger aboard this train
When I find the silver lining turns to gray
I'm just one passenger aboard this train

I'm recognizing all that's true and all that's fake
Wrecking bodies, put a flower in its place
Soul surviving, in a pool of emptiness
All this trying, couldn't fill me any less

And I'd love to see you tell me as I wonder why
How you'd change this worm into a butterfly
When I fly, flying faster all the way
I'm just one passenger aboard this train

When I find the silver lining breaks away
I'm just one passenger aboard this train

When I die falling through a somber rain
I'm just one passenger aboard this train

Will I try holding on to yesterday
I'm just one passenger aboard this train
Will I find the silver lining fades away
I'm just one passenger aboard this train
We're all just passengers aboard this train

Undecided, Undivided
I'm just one passenger aboard this train.

Becoming...

2009-08-11T10:30:00.009-04:00

Sooo...if you read my last post, you know I'm going THROUGH. One of my favorite Joyce Meyer messages is "the only way OUT is THROUGH". And believe me friends...I want out...I want faarrrrr out...I want shot from a cannon out.

I suppose I've come to that point in my life, that so many women before me have. I have absolutely not one single clue as to who Mel is. Strip away the titles...Mama...friend...wife and what do you have? I have no idea. What happened to her? Did she ever exist? Most days I feel like I am screaming into a vacuum. I am completely invisible.

I have been beyond blessed with someone who reentered my life several months ago. This amazing person opened my eyes to a lot of things. Possibly the most important is that it's time for Mel to live...and feel...and see Mel the way OTHERS see her. Very simply, put a mirror up in front of my face...my life...and made me take a good long look.

The Mel I know has lived behind walls of her own making for decades. Those walls were built for survival...if you don't feel...you don't hurt. Oh sure, the feelings were always there, but they were always controlled...metered...monitored. She is extremely weak...avoids people, and conflict, and relationships of all kind because those all, eventually, bring pain. Think beige...think wallpaper paste.

Lately I hear people describing me as intelligent, amazing, beautiful, strong, classy, sassy, creative. It boggles my mind. As the months have progressed the walls have not just been torn down, they have been obliterated. Which, I'm sure, in time I'll be able to see as a good thing. However, right now? I LONG for those walls...to run behind...and take a breather from the feelings...from this...living thing I'm supposed to be doing. Those walls held a virtual torrent of feelings...feelings that have been repressed for longer than I care to think about right now. And while I allowed the good ones to filter through during the years, and couldn't help but let some of the negative ones escape? Now? Now it is almost beyond overwhelming. It is a mind numbing, heart breaking, soul crushing flood of never ending grief. I am literally completely exhausted by 4:00 every single day. Accomplishing the simplest of tasks is like trying to reach the summit of Everest in an hour. I collapse in bed every night...and this morning I can safely say that when I got up, I couldn't even tell I had been asleep for the last 8 hours. And the depression that sets in at that time of day is horrendous.

I pulled up an article on Elizabeth Kubler Ross's stages of grief today. Wow...I hit that nail squarely on the head when I described what I was feeling as grief. I was assured that what I was feeling was ok...normal...and that it's ok to flip between said stages at will. Of course I also felt like I was smacked in the face with an ironing board when I read that this could last for months. And yet I have to keep fighting. I want to KNOW this Mel that others seem to see...to know...to embrace.

Which brings us to this time of year...my VERY favorite...please do read with heavy sarcasm.

August has always brought about it's own set of challenges...and irrational fears. August has always meant "Back To School". When I was a student I dreaded it. When I was a teacher I could barely function. And now that my girls are heading off to school? I find it almost crippling. I spoke about it last year...when Hope started Kindergarten. It is worse if that's possible this year, now that she'll be away from me all day long...and facing the distinct possibility that Claire will be in preschool two mornings a week. What I left out last year at this time was the why I feel this way. Very simply, and going with this Mel that other people see...the one who is strong enough to deal...for several years I was what would be called "inappropriately touched" by a male member of the faculty of the school I attended. I did what I had been told...reported it to my mother...my best friend. I was told by my mother that he wouldn't do something like that...he was a teacher. I was told by my best friend that she couldn't understand why he'd want to do that to me...it wasn't exactly like I was attractive or anything. He continued until *I* told him to stop. Explains a lot...doesn't it? So yeah...there it is...out for the world...or at least the few people who stumble in here to see.

My fear increases as Hope's enthusiasm for school to begin increases. She can't WAIT. And yes, I've taught her accordingly...she knows about what to do if someone touches her and she doesn't like it...she knows I will do something about it. This morning her excitement has reached fever pitch. She not only isn't listening to me anymore, she simply doesn't hear me. Claire is following her lead. I find myself repeating things over...and over...and over...with no results...ever. See? More invisiblity.

I'm afraid I've let my demons touch the lives of those I care the most about lately. I find myself repeating the same things over and over to adults now as well and I fear I am hurting you by making you think I don't trust you...or making you think I doubt what you have told me. I don't mean to push you away. I don't WANT to push you away. What I've done is gone back into survival mode. In the past that meant dealing with everything by myself...and it meant pushing people away before they could push me away. I pray that I can embrace this change and stop hurting those that mean the most to me before I lose y'all.

So what am I grieving? I suppose everything that I've ever lost...relationships...dreams...people. It's all in there. Some days it's just a dull ache that I can push through. Others, like today? My mind won't stop...and neither will the tears.

Again, I don't tell you this for kudos, or pats on the back. I do it because I have to get it OUT before it destroys me. Check the tagline...Because Blogging Is Cheaper Than Therapy. The aforementioned friend also shared a song with me that has been playing in my head just about non-stop for the last two weeks. I've spent many a very early morning lying in bed "listening" to it in my head. The lyrics can be found below...and the song can be found on my playlist at the bottom of the page.

Another pretty special friend recently compared me to a chrysalis...likening "New Mel" to the caterpillar who thought her life was over...when in fact...it was only changing into something more unbelievable, more intense, more beautiful than she could ever imagine. I am holding fast to that my friends. I am holding fast to becoming...Mel.

Be blessed y'all,

If Today Was Your Last Day

Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad

My best friend gave me the best advice

He said each day's a gift and not a given right

Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind

And try to take the path less traveled by

That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?

What if, what if, if today was your last day?

Against the grain should be a way of life

What's worth the price is always worth the fight

Every second counts 'cause there's no second try

So live like you're never living twice

Don't take the free ride in your own life

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories?

Would you forgive your enemies?

And would you find that one you're dreaming of?

Swear up and down to God above

That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

If today was your last day

Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?

You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars

Regardless of who you are

So do whatever it takes

'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life

Let nothing stand in your way

'Cause the hands of time are never on your side

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had?

And would you call those friends you never see?

Reminisce old memories?

Would you forgive your enemies?

And would you find that one you're dreaming of

Swear up and down to God above

That you'd finally fall in love if today was your last day?

The Climb

2009-08-02T18:43:00.006-04:00

Soooo...anybody who's known me for longer than oh, say six minutes knows that I take my music pretty seriously. I am a woman whose emotions run deeper than most. I don't communicate well with other people...I let very few in...even fewer know whom I consider to be the real Mel. Perhaps this is why music and more specifically, the lyrics of some songs seem to affect...move...change me so deeply. I've found a lot of good ones lately, but none have smacked me in the face quite as hard as this little ditty.

I can scarcely remember a time when I've felt more conflicted. There are a lot of things going on inside of me lately. I'm getting older...physical changes...I need to adjust my mindset in a lot of areas...mental changes...I'm questioning a lot of things that I've always taken for granted...spritual changes. You get the idea. I am for these and many other reasons completely exhausted. I have literally nothing left.

My family had been asked to be greeters at church for the month of August. I REALLY didn't want to do it...and the way I felt this morning I REALLY didn't want to go. But we did...and I pasted on one of my best smiles and shook hands and tossed back a lot of "good morning!" 's and "how are you?!" 's...even though the only thing I WANTED to do was go sit in the corner and be invisible.

The special music today was a solo, sung by a pretty amazing young lady. I've known her parents since we were kids...I remember when she was born...and now...here she was...standing in front of everyone...this tall, confident teen with an awesome voice...singing a song that God had to have put directly into her heart just for me. I sat there awestruck...listening to the lyrics...each one more perfect than the next for my situtation. I found my mood lifting...and for once? I didn't CRY! Can you believe it!? I know...I can't either. By the time she was finished I was ready to give her a standing ovation. I plan on sending her a major THANK YOU note. I made sure I asked what the name of the song was...and who sang it. Yeah...I was floored. How I could've missed a Miley Cyrus song living in THIS house I have no idea.

Yes...you can say it's teen drivel and crap...go ahead...just don't expect to ever have me trust you with anything ever again! %^ ]

And just in case you ever doubted He works in mysterious ways? About a month ago I took one of those silly facebook quizzes...something about what my theme song should be? Well...it was "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. I didn't even bother posting it...I'd never heard it...didn't WANT to hear it. I think, just maybe? I was SUPPOSED to hear it...today.

Be blessed y'all...

The Climb
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on'

Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

"The Climb" can be found on my playlist at the bottom of the page. Give it a listen!

ABC Wednesday---Z Is For Zhu Han Tao

2009-07-15T15:14:00.005-04:00

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

And there *she* is! Zhu Han Tao. One of three tiny referral pictures we had waited what seems like a lifetime for. Do you not LOVE the hair? I've always wanted a buzz cut...only red of course...instead I got a daughter with one. And oh, skipping ahead several months from receiving this picture...that hair was so rough...so coarse...smelled so good...gave me and continues to give me such peace.

I don't have any real memory of opening Zhu Han Tao's referral packet...nor seeing her pictures for the first time. I do remember going into shock and blanking out for at least 24 hours. I remember making copies of her pictures and delivering them to our friends Carol and Tom, my brother, and my mother. The next day I remember going out and buying a frame for this shot and putting it on our coffee table. Later that night? I couldn't look at that picture without crying...finally...FINALLY...my baby had a face...my baby was real...my baby was alive, and breathing, and eating, and sleeping, and thriving not just inside my heart...but somewhere in the world...in Anqing.

And still...to this day...Hope, the former Zhu Han Tao is now six years old...Claire, the former Qian Li Lu is three...I look at them and cannot believe that they are really here...that they are mine. That an amazing series of events involving parents, a set of birth parents half way around the world, an adoption agency, two governments, more paperwork than you could ever imagine, several dozen government agencies both state and federal, a loving orphanage staff, and literally hundreds of other people from all over the world...brought these two precious souls...home.

Be blessed y'all

It has been an absolute pleasure being a part of ABC Wednesday Round 4!

ABC Wednesday---Y Is For You've Got To Be Kidding?!

2009-07-08T15:06:00.000-04:00

ABC Wednesday is hosted by Mrs. Nesbitt's Place.

I can't believe that Round 4 is only two posts away from being finished! I remember deciding sometime last fall that I was going to join the next round of ABC Wednesday. In December I sat down and made a list of ideas for most of the letters. P, R, S, T, U and today's Y were all blank...yet honestly? I think at least two of those were some of my best work during my time with the meme!

I'm sitting here looking at my list and find it interesting that most all of the other letters have between three and seven ideas written beside each of them. Yet I used only SEVEN of those ideas! D, H, L, Q, V, X, and finally next week's Z post. In every other instance, some other, newer...better idea popped into my head at the last minute...most of the time inspired by something that was going on in my life at the time. My W post still amazes me. I had decided I didn't like any of the ideas I had on my list but could NOT think of another one. I decided I'd think about it on my WALK...hello? ; )

I have thoroughly enjoyed my ABC Wednesdays. Having one small deadline every week...to keep my mind sharp...exercising a little creativity...doing something I want to do...and love to do. Will I be participating in Round 5? I'd say it's a distinct possibility! Every week? Probably not. There are so many other memes I'd like to look into...and so little time in my day! Besides...I have to pop in every now and then. I have to check on Carolina...and Jay!

As always, be blessed y'all!